I have been caring for my father for the past year since he had a stroke, on set dementia and now incontinence. He is also an alcoholic.
I work 12 hour days and spend the weekends when I want to be relaxing and doing nice things shopping for him, sorting his medications, domestic tasks and making his bed.
He has always been controlling and even admits he likes to see me do things for him. He is able to make his way to the pub twice a day but states he struggles to walk and when I am not there eating out o date food - all for attention and guilt
I find my energy is sucked out of me as soon as I step in to his house - the conversation just revolves around how often he is up through the night needing to pass urine.
I spent mother’s day changing wet soiled bedding - when I mentioned it was mother’s day he replied "so what"
He has caregivers in the mornings but cancelled them at the weekend as he feels it is my duty to care for him at the weekends.
I am tired and it is affecting my mental health
I used all of my annual leave last year taking him to appointments - and when that ran out I had to use unpaid leave which has impacted me financially.
I just do not see an end to it all
He has now asked that I sell my home I share with my 18-year-old daughter and for us to move in with him to care for him full-time.
If you can't just stop cold turkey, fake the flu. Stop coming around for a week. Cut back on the things you do and only do the things he CAN'T. I will repeat...things he CAN'T...not things he doesn't want to do. My father was famous for this. I had no issue doing things he couldn't, but I drew the line doing things he couldn't be bothered doing.
You are an adult and do not have to take orders from him. Remember he needs you more than you need him. You might want to remind him of that fact.
Reminds me of every old novel I ever read. First son inherits, second son to the military, third to the clergy. All spinsters (by age 25) will be in service to their own or other families! Hee! The times they are a-changin.
But it has been constant. Nacy will do it! I think is what the world was saying for years. Oh don't forget to put dog sitting on that list too
Well Nacy is done doing it all!
Please don't let yourself get roped into that total BS about doing your father's caregiving because you don't have a partner. Not having a romantic partner does not mean you have to go into service.
Many people tend to think that if a woman is on her own or she isn't going to a job that for these facts it makes her available for everyone's childcare or elder care needs. It does not yet so many women get forced into this type of servitude.
Some years ago I got into a car accident. I had some injuries, but recovered. I was in no hurry to go back to work. I was married, lived in a lovely home, and we were well off financially. So I took some time off because I could. Once I recovered, the family (on both sides) just assumed I was available for babysitting for the family's kids and elders. Think again.
My husband's cousin figured I'd babysit her incontinent mother-in-law with dementia during the day while her household was at work and school because I was "home". Fat chance.
I told everyone that until I hang a shingle outside our door that reads: Free Care Service For Your Kids And Old People - don't even ask me.
Please don't let your sister bring your self-esteem down about you becoming the caregiver because you don't have a partner.
Stop going.
He can't take advantage of you if you don't allow it.
"You'll have to make other arrangements" is a useful phrase.
If he can get himself to the pub 2x a day, he can do for himself. Here in the US we have Home Health Aides. They can bathe and toilet but they also clean and make beds and shop. Have him pay for a service like that. I would not put it passed him to wet the bed just to have you need to make it. Tell him time for incontinence briefs at night. Maybe a commode by the bed. We have Office of Aging who can evaluate his situation. Maybe ask his Doctor for a PT/OT evaluation to see what he is capable of now and where there could be improvement. Get a list of resourses in your village and give it to him.
Tell Dad no more weekends. You need them to get your own stuff done. Working 12 hours a day, you really have no time for him. I am sure one of his aides can shop for him. You got him thru the first year of his stroke, he is on his own now. If he needs anything, he can call your sister. And you tell sister you have done enough. You are getting back to life. We have Senior bussing which takes people to appts and shopping. He now has to hire that help, because you are done. As you told him, he can eat his main meal at the pub. Breakfast should be no problem or making himself a sandwich at night. Tell him if he wants a wife, thats not you. You are done, he is on his own. Make him aware to, that if another stroke means 24/7 care, he will need to go in a care home. You will not be given up ur life for him. I would also tell him that what goes around comes around. Because of the way he treated your mother, this ishis come around. Make Sis very aware to, that you will never take care of Dad longterm. If she won't, his future is a care home.
Don't move in with him. Never. Even temporarily. Don't allow him to move in with you. Ever. Even temporarily.
That way madness lies.
I have suggested he eats at the pub seeing as he is there twice a day and have a sandwich in the evenings. It is nothing but guilt about the spoilt food - and a fixation about making his bed. He complained I did not make his bed right or spend long enough time on making it... so I have stopped - don't even offer to do it now. Again it made me feel like a house maid - a bed is a personal space where he sleeps and I didn't feel comfortable making it - more so now that he wets the bed at night.
I would never consider selling our home - I have a really close relationship with my daughter and could never put her through living him. She is at university and having been a single mum since she was 3 I was looking forward to some time to myself - maybe join a gym or find a partner but have been thrown into this role as his carer literally a month before my daughter left to go to university - can't help thinking he was rubbing his hands together thinking I would have extra time on my hands for him.
So you stop going over on weekends to work. If he has hired help during the week, he can have hired help on the weekends too.
You can go and visit if you want to, or even meet him for a drink at the pub on a weekend. Stop being an unpaid, weekend servant though.
It also sounds to me like he's playing the same kind of attention-seeking games my mother likes to play. The eating spoiled food as a way to guilt-trip you and the self-pity because they want to be "babied". To that I say, I don't think so. You DO NOT "baby" an adult. If an adult's brain is so riddled by dementia that they've regressed back into being an infant, they belong in a nursing home. A guy who can get himself to the pub on his own to drink twice a day, knows better than to eat spoiled food.
You admit that your mental health is being affected. That being said, you need to stop. Your job is not to listen his complaining or negativity. You do not have to be his caregiver. His caregivers are the ones who have to listen to him complain. Not you.
Also, and I cannot put enough emphasis on this in fact I wish I could scream it in your ear:
DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM FOR ANY REASON!!!!! DO NOT DO THAT TO YOURSELF OR YOUR DAUGHTER!!!! IF YOU HAVE LOVE YOUR CHILD AND CARE FOR HER WELFARE YOU WILL NOT EVEN CONSIDER MOVING IN WITH YOUR FATHER TO BECOME A CAREGIVER!!!
I hope my message was plain enough and you pay it some mind.
The end is by saying no and stop going over there to care for him, it is NOT your duty to care for him.
If he can go to the pub and get drunk he can take care of himself or hire someone.
The ball is in your court time to stand up for yourself and just say "No".
You do not sell your house and there is no way you subject your daughter to this abuse. Yup I said abuse.
He is using you.
If he can manage to get to the pub 2 times a day he can manage to make his own bed and sort his meds.
Eating "expired" food will not kill you. Eating spoiled food will probably make you sick but except in rare cases even that will not kill you...you may wish you were dead though.
BOUNDARIES
Establish ground rules and stick to them.
Do not give up more of your work time, do not endanger your eventual retirement by compromising your savings.
Do not move in with Dad .
Tell him he is to hire caregivers for the weekend again.
Personally since he can get himself to the pub twice a day , I would be totally out of this situation and be calling APS and letting them handle his caregiving needs .
He wants you to be his slave.
You have your daughter and your own life to live .
As I live in the same village as my dad she thinks I should be popping in daily which is impossible wit my hours at work and feels care costs too much.
I have reached the point that I really do not care about inheritance I just cant be his carer.
There is no way I will be selling my house - it was a ridiculous suggestion he continues with the emotional blackmail saying it would be "his dream" - more like a nightmare.
He was sending me to the local shop for ridiculous things like a lemon or a sandwich when the shop is next to the pub where he goes twice a day?! I have told him I will help with heavy shopping items/weekly shop but to pick up little things on his way back from the pub - again he was taking advantage.
He was awful to mother when she was at the end of her life - verbally abusive to the point that safeguarding had to step in and place her in a nursing home. The hardest thing is caring for someone you don't really like.
You DO NOT have to be his caregiver even for one day if you choose not to.
You owe him nothing, so why are you feeling obligated to do any care for him?
If he is able to make his way to the pub twice a day, he is more than capable to arrange any other care he may need for himself.
You are not his slave but are his daughter, and your only responsibilities are for yourself and for your daughter.
So let your father know that as of today you are taking your life back and that he will have to hire any additional care he feels he needs, as you're not playing his sick twisted game anymore.
You need to put your big girl panties on start setting some much needed boundaries starting today.
Best wishes in doing just that.
First of all DON'T move!! in you could be stuck caregiving for years, the older they get the more and more care they need.
Then figured out , what and how much you are willing to do that won't effect your, life and health.
Then figure out a plan to implement it.
There are lots of options for him
Then and VERY most importantly you get yourself to Alon!!!!
And find a good therapist. This is a hard road we need all the help we can get
If he can go out and drink twice a day at the pub he can do for himself.
You have to chose yourself and your daughter and leave your dad to take care of himself.