Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Thank you for all of your answers. This "sibling rivalry" goes back many years, but has gotten worse since my brother has dated his current girlfriend. My mother would not make me her POA because "I would not be fair to my brother". I do not speak to my father-when she got cancer he was also abusive to her and we lived for years in a hoard. She divorced him and bought a condo. I am Moms secondary POA (in case my uncle dies first) and her healthcare POA (I am good at talking to docs).
My boyfriend plans to propose this winter so we can move in together in July. We are really both "sole caregivers" (his brother will require long term care as will his parents) so he gets the fact that I am also alone. When my mother was sicker I regularly rearranged my work schedule to help her because my brother was absent.
I have also arranged to see a counselor because I am very upset that my brother will not help me with my mother and I am upset over the way she has treated me in regards to my brother over the years. I have also arranged for a cleaning lady to come in every two weeks to clean her condo (my brother will regularly use the toilet and not flush and leaves things everywhere).
Thank you all for your kind words. I am terrified of having no help when things get worse. I am resentful of my brother not having to work, pay bills, or have an ounce of responsibility. I always thought it would be a 50/50 care taking responsibility ;(
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mother also asked me to be a cosigner on brothers bank account....I laughed and said get real!!! She put HERSELF on his account...l explained to her that when he goes negative the money would be taken out of her account! She didn't care. Her assets are not substantial (teachers retirement and the house/car). My boyfriend wants me to cut my losses and move on (he is well off).
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Mother feels guilty for how brother turned out/still thinks she can fix brother, and does not realize that giving him more money or more anything will make him worse not better.

You can't fix this for her while she is still competent. You don't cosign for anything you can't afford to pay for yourself, and you knew better though Mom didn't. Adults should rarely if ever need other adults to cosign anything for them.

Save up some money for an eldercare attorney to step in and remove a neglectful financial POA and/or get guardianship in the future, and watch as well as you can; and/or keep Adult Protective contacts handy. I'm just glad brother is not POA or she'd have been wiped out already.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Pipruby, one problem is that if there is evidence of gifting to brother, she will not be able to get support from Medicaid, there will be a penalty period. That's why she's worried she could end up stuck with bills for care unless brother is stopped from taking more than trivial amounts of money.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Don't forget to have your mom resend her medical POA and reassign it to your brother. My mom is very similar to yours, so I know how painful this is. We can't change the past, but we can avoid repeating it. You deserve a loving life and mom just can't provide the love or respect you should be receiving. ((HIGS))
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If you hang around...YOU will get the blame...for everything...! Either Get a Lawyer..and fight like h*ll..get a POA on her..and just Make her do what you and the lawyer think is best...or CUT OUT ...and when your brother has drained her of everything and she is out on the street...she will then want you...after it is all over and done...and your brother will prob need a place to live too...THERE IS NEVER A WIN WIN
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I've just reread almost the entire thread and think there may be another reason why Mom is tolerating financial abuse by your brother.

He's still her son, regardless of what he's doing or not doing. She's got Stage IV cancer; it's a terminal stage or close to it. She knows her time is limited. And she'd like to see her son and daughter get along, hopefully before she dies. Who would want to leave this world knowing that the two children she bore and raised are feuding with each other?

She may also feel that she can win his affection, which she doesn't seem to have, by indulging him financially.

Doesn't change the situation, but perhaps it helps to explain the complex dynamics of this family.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

GA I agree. Also, this little sh*t is 23, which in today's terms all too often means still a child. One might think it wrong, and a bad idea, but in the mother's eyes he remains a dependent child and that is how she wants him treated.

He's in for a shock when he finds out how the world actually works.

But Flash, while your mother's treatment of you is unkind and unfair, your brother's failings do not have to add to your burden of responsibility. Decide what you are prepared to do for your mother regardless of your brother's input or lack of it. Set those boundaries and stick to them. And what happens beyond them - well, let your mother take the consequences of her own decisions. Your boyfriend is right: don't let this small part of it invade your whole life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter