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My dad moved in and we set up an apt for him 4 years ago when my mom passed. My brother lives in another state and refuses to let him stay there or setup a space for him.


Fast forward untill a few months ago my dad had a UTI now has foley and catheter he can’t go into a home because of the 60 month look back so we brought him home for a 3 month look back until Medicaid until approved.


The thing is my brother refuses to come and help or bring my dad back to my brother's and my dad won’t go.


Since my brother got his inheritance he says he spent it all and has no money, no job and is mentally ill, but he can physically do things. He won’t come to me and give me and my family a reprieve.


Can I sue my brother or put lien on his house for not contributing? I spent most of time helping my dad causing me to not able to work since my brother will not contribute?

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I posted earlier about Council on Aging in your community. They will schedule an interview with you to discuss your dad’s health needs. This service is free to those in need. They help with bathing, housekeeping in his room only and preparing a meal for him. There is a wait list. Call ASAP.

I cared for my mom for many years so I truly know how difficult it becomes to care for others at home as their needs increase.

As far as siblings go, every family member has their own individual circumstances in their lives. I don’t even think that I would consider asking your brother for help if he doesn’t want to. He will be resentful if he does help and that’s not good for your dad.

Sometimes none of the adult children have any desire, nor the time due to working at their jobs, or maybe they realize that they don’t have the temperament to do caregiving for a parent that is difficult to care for.

They choose to hire additional help with an agency or private care. Those who need 24/7 care should be placed in a facility and be cared for by a full time staff.

I understand that you are exhausted being the sole caregiver but I do not understand why you would want to sue your brother. It’s nice to have help from family members but it’s rare to see siblings sharing the responsibility.

This situation was brought on by the decision to acquire your dad’s money instead of keeping it reserved for his care.

We can’t predict how fast a health situation will progress, so I suppose that you now realize it is best to be cautious with spending and it isn’t wise to divide up money when a person is most vulnerable as they are approaching their later years in life.

This forum will give you honest advice. Some advice you may appreciate and other advice you might disagree with. The advice given generally comes from loads of experience.

Banish the idea of suing your brother. Concentrate on your father receiving proper care. After reading his health issues that you list on your profile I would say that he requires care from a facility.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Countrymouse Dec 2022
"...I do not understand why you would want to sue your brother."

To bully him into coming over and staying so that the OP can get a break.

We can all see that it's never going to happen, and in any case it's never going to work because the mindset of a person who had been forced that hard into doing it would not make that person a safe and compassionate caregiver. But when you're sitting there seething with resentment about the injustice of your situation you aren't necessarily any too rational when it comes to seeking solutions.

By the way, the OP is still sitting on her share of her father's money. It's only the profligate ne'er-do-well brother who's already spent his share. So what should she do? Follow suit and spend it as fast as she can? Or recognize that the the "inheritance" she has stashed is actually not her inheritance but her father's cash reserve, and give it back? That's the truth of it, but it's another bitter pill for her to swallow.
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"The arrangement was that dad will be taken care of by all parties if something happened. It’s that simple. The other party never stood by the agreement".

I can see how it happened (I think).

Like when my in-laws gave my DH a little towards out kids schooling. DH spent it on whatever bill came in & it was gone by the school fee due date.

The facts were: The money was given. The intention for it's use was not honoured.
What was done with it was outside the givers control.

It was not gambled away (or he'd be an EX now) but my DH did not think or use money the same as I did. (I'd have that locked away for it's intended purpose.

I think despite this being a much much bigger & serious issue, it is similar in a way. You cannot make the brother unspend that money now. You also cannot get him to do hands-on help or change.

Like I did, use it for experience. Stepping in a hole happens. It's life. Life teaches us to avoid that hole next time.

(Did I make sure any $ was locked away next time? You bet!!)

Brother has shown you how he is. Don't enter any financial or other agreements with him again.

Be thankful it is only 3 months.
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It is not an inheritance if it is from your living Dad, it is a gift. You decided to bring him home so you can hold your brother financially accountable for paying, unless it is documented and is legally binding.
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In the State of Virginia there is a law requiring children to support indigent parents IF they can afford to help. I doubt your brother would be required to help. Talk to a lawyer if this is a burden for you. I learned quickly my brother would do little to help. I stopped feeling angry …. counseling helped me. Good luck. PS Medicaid has a financial look back of 5-7 yrs before they will give you medicaid support..they will want to know where his money went!
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harrisb Dec 2022
It’s only 3 months look back if they move back to the house for Medicaid that’s why he’s back with me. Still waiting for approval almost there but peeps say that Medicaid only gives what they need for help.
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R u saying , your Dad only has 3 months to go before he can apply to Medicaid? Does your dad receive SS… Your dad should be contributing to household expenses.. KEEP RECEIPTS AND GOOD RECORDS…

If your having difficulty caregiving , do something about it. Find a care advisor, google it , find someone local, they will help find a place for your dad. They are like realtors. Paid by the facility. Know all the in and outs, what is available, your needs . I used a franchise called care patrol. Or get care coming in… things changed.. do something to help yourself.

my SIL and BIL tried to force me into caregiving for my in laws .. hard no. My aunts and uncle tried the same in regards to my mom… another hard No.

it sounds like your asking your brother for more than a reprieve…. And if he has no money , how is he suppose to travel for your reprieve? Logistics are an issue..your dad doesn’t want to go there..
Financially, you cannot squeeze blood out of a turnip.. and I doubt you can place a lien on your brothers house as there are no broken contacts.
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harrisb Dec 2022
It was my brother idea for this arrangement and he offered when times were good. We all have downs in life but we power through unfortunately my brother cannot. I’m asking for a reprieve just in case I get sick, die or want a vacation that’s the minimum and still it’s a problem for him.
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One very important aspect that seems to be forgotten here; Dad's assets become inheritance upon Dad's death. Dad has not passed (maybe that was the hope) Dad is still ALIVE!

inheritance
noun [ C usually singular, U ]US  /ɪnˈher.ɪ.təns/ UK  /ɪnˈher.ɪ.təns/
inheritance noun [C usually singular, U] (FROM DEAD PERSON)
 

C2
money or objects that someone gives you when they die:
The large inheritance from his aunt meant that he could buy his own boat.
At 21 she came into her inheritance (= it was given to her).
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harrisb Dec 2022
There was no hope that he would die. Who wants that that’s crazy. We could have put the money in a trust instead but we just gifted. The arrangement was that dad will be taken care of by all parties if something happened. It’s that simple. The other party never stood by the agreement.
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One very important aspect that seems to be forgotten here; Dad's assets become inheritance upon Dad's death, not before. Dad has not passed (maybe that was the hope) Dad is still ALIVE!
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Joann29, I didn't word that correctly. Dads 'inheritance'$$ should be used for his expenses.
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harrisb Dec 2022
Yes. expense are expensive when paying for private care $600 a day or $140,000 a year. That’s why many gift and wait 5 years before they spend for the 5 year look back or put it in a trust. But my brother didn’t wait.
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Daddy’s money. Everyone in the family taking advantage of one another. This would be a great Netflix documentary.
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harrisb Dec 2022
This happens more than you think. But there are loopholes to get help.
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Idiocy! If it's ok for them it's ok for me?! That is one of the biggest problems with this society we live in. Too many in for what is in it for me instead of taking responsibility for themselves!
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sp19690 Dec 2022
Welcome to the world where one person thrives only because another is not thriving. For example cheap clothing is made in sweatshops in 3rd world countries. The materials being mined for electric cars is done by children and many times this work is toxic but as long as people in 1st world countries can play pretend that they are helping the environment it's all good.
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New law should be passed to say anyone giving away their life savings that would/could be used to pay for their care in their later years is not entitled to taxpayers' money, and the gift recipients will be held liable for the amount of the gifts. No 5 years limit look back.

All tax preparers are required to warn their clients of this law and SSA should inform everyone of this annually.
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sp19690 Dec 2022
Why? The government wastes plenty of taxpayer money on corporate welfare, billions to Ukraine, recent bailouts of private pension funds and more. Why should people have to lose everything for nursing home care?

Conversely why should taxpayers have to pay to warehouse old people in facilities?
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I suppose another way to view this.. Dad is up the creek without a paddle.

He gave his paddles away 4 years ago... (Or were they taken from him?)

So what's Dad's plan now? Return to his apartment (if he can) or sell it & move (if not).

Is Dad still legally in charge of his own affairs?
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harrisb Dec 2022
No. I’m in charge. He lives with me in an apt in my house. He’s just fine. Lives better than most.
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Can the taxpayer's hold you all liable for stealing from your dad and expecting us to pay for his care?

This is what happens when you practice fraud, it bites you.
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sp19690 Dec 2022
They didnt steal from dad he gave it to them.
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Dad shouldn't have to pay a dime for anything. It's good you're caring for him and haven't spent the $.
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JoAnn29 Dec 2022
Why shouldn't Dad pay a dime. If his being cared for is causing financial hardship then he should contribute to the household. He should be paying for his own toiletries, depends, bills, special foods, medical, etc at least.
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Nursing homes are not all horrible to live in. Some of the kindest and most caring people I've met provide care in nursing homes. Believe what you find out for yourself, not what ignorant people tell you. Jeez. Us.
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You have chosen to become your Father's nurse.

You brother has chosen not to be.

Imagine the flip side - where you live to the best of your abilities, unable to work, miles away & your sister expects you to come do what she says.

How would that be? How dare she! Right?

Having family is a blessing. A wonderful great family tree we can taken comfort & shelter beneath the branches at times.

Siblings are separate people. Not extra branches attached to one trunk that grow how & where the tree directs.

Stop wasting time resenting your brother for his choices.
You choose to bring Dad to live with you for the moment. You choose for YOU. You don't get to choose for your brother. I have a SIL like this who had to learnt this too. She took on too much because she said she 'thought' others would step in. She expected they would - but did not ask. There was no conversation beforehand to what she needed, whether that was possible for others or not. Nope. She just wanted everyone else to make HER plan work for HER. Please don't be like that!

When the communication was opened up - it revealed a clearer view. What people could offer etc. If she had known this previously then rehab would have been chosen intead of home.

Learn from this. Communicate clearly. Telling siblings what to do is bossy. Climb down from your high moral horse. Ask. Listen. Accept.

You have choices too. Choose how much is reasonable for you to do. Look for resources to fill the rest.

Your Dad is very lucky to have you. You don't need to be his nurse if you don't want to be though. You can advocate for him to receive nursing care.
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harrisb Dec 2022
It was my brothers idea. I don’t want him to jump but a little help would be nice for a reprieve.
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I'm a little bit confused by these two contradictory statements, which one is correct?


1/ "he can’t go into a home because of the 60 month look back so we brought him home for a 3 month look back until Medicaid until approved."

2/ "I don’t need a written agreement with my dad he can stay as long as he likes.

Who wants to be in a nursing home they are horrible to live in that’s why he’s here with me."
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If dad is paying you anything for rent, household expenses you need an agreement. Are you saying dad is not pitching in for household expenses? His social security, pensions whatever he may have is saved every month?
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You may not be able to undo what was done in the past but you can make sure you are compensated for what you are doing today and any care you give in the future by setting up a caregiving contract and receiving fair compensation for room and board - I recommend setting this up with an attorney well versed in elder law medicaid (because even if you have no plans of ever needing a nursing home you never know what the future may bring)
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I so hope you paid taxes on the money Dad gave you if it was over the 15k (or whatever it is now) that the government allows yearly as gifting. For Dad is "what yours in mine " in the Will. He inherited, you didn't. What a tangled web we weave...

Your brother owes you and Dad nothing. You cannot make a person care for another parent or not. You may just want to let that go. And really, do you want a mentally ill person taking care of Dad. Be aware too, its 5 years and 1 day (something like that) before you can file. In my State the process has to be done within 90 days. Applying, spend down, info needed given and find a place for Dad.

Really, I am sorry you got into this. If Dad had that money, you could have placed him easily under private pay and applied for Medicaid 90 days before the money was gone. It would have been a smooth transition. Feel lucky that you only have 3 months to go.
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No, you won't get anywhere suing, I doubt any lawyer would even think you have a case here. Also, you likely don't want your brother being involved with father's care anyway. It sounds like he would do more harm than good. If you are truly overwhelmed right now, ask for help from your local VNA or nurses from the hospital.
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My experience: I have 4 brothers and one was bipolar. My bipolar brother lived with me and Daddy. When things did not go his way he would be out in the yard yelling at the top of his lungs. Finally I threatened him with the sheriffs and he moved out. I cared for my Daddy and my other siblings visited but never assisted with the care. My eldest sibling came at the last to help, which was greatly appreciated. I didn't care that my siblings did not come to help this way I knew what was going on and I could do for my Daddy what he needed.
As someone said in an earlier comment do you really want your mentally ill brother around? Your inheritance has already been divided. Care for your dad, love him and know that even though he doesn't say it he appreciates all you do. Three more months to care for him... is not that much longer.
Love him, care for him.
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harrisb Dec 2022
Thanks for this nice thoughtful answer. Yes you are correct my brother messed lot of things up and interfered.

I was only hoping that he will help is if I got sick or I went on vacation. I gave up all other hope.

what bugs me the most is that he calls my dad after 3 months in the hospital and they talk like they are buddies.

I tell my dad ask him why he doesn’t help out or visit. Everyone dummy’s up.

The stuff I been through with the UTI physically and mentally my brother has no idea I really don’t get how a family can do this. Like you said it’s the mental illness.
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You have spent all of your share too? Pot calling the kettle black?

No you can't sue your brother or put a lien on his house. Going to have to patiently wait is out. I sure hope you have a written agreement with dad for rent/household expenses or you will experience new problems with medicaid that IMHO should not be an expense taken on by myself and other taxpayers because you and brother planned poorly for dad and got greedy.
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harrisb Dec 2022
I didn’t say I spent my share. Don’t come off and assume anything. BTW I still have mine. I know the process I have an elder attorney handling it to get my dad the care he needs.

I don’t need a written agreement with my dad he can stay as long as he likes.

Who wants to be in a nursing home they are horrible to live in that’s why he’s here with me.

when a family member says they will help and doesn’t that’s messed up. I’m left holding the bag for time and money.
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You collectively decided on the "inheritance" gift because you felt it was more "fair" for dad to get whatever he needs for free (paid for my taxpayers). Now you want to sue your mentally ill brother for getting money for free. Somewhat ironic.
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harrisb Dec 2022
Newsflash…Loopholes.
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I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You’re trying to help your dad out and it’s tough doing it alone. It’s a shame that money was distributed early because your dad needs help.

Unfortunately, I don’t think you can do anything about this situation other than hiring additional help for you to have a break when needed.

Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? They provide assistance to those qualify.
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harrisb Dec 2022
i read about that once. Thanks for the information. I should give that a try.
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Do you really want your brother to come. If he really is unemployed and broke he might be more trouble then it is worth. I agree it is an unfair situation but sounds like a 3 month problem. If you still have some of the inheritance consider bringing in some help.
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This is a very sad situation, and I'm sorry you're in it. What I understand is that your dad brilliantly gave away his assets to you, his family who willingly accepted the windfall, rather than save his money to pay for his own health care in old age. You were all gaming the system, and you've spent the money.

And now "the state," Medicaid, which is funded by taxpayers like me, is supposed to pay for your dad's health care as he ages and dies. I have a moral problem with this. "The state" is me. I scrimped and saved and worked hard all of my life so that I'd be able to pay MY OWN bills for care, and now I'm supposed to pay for your dad's care also.

If you want to sue your brother, be advised that a lawyer costs between $350 and $500 per hour. Good luck.
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Hothouseflower Dec 2022
Legally you can set up irrevocable trusts and there is the 5 year Medicaid look back so the system is set up to encourage everyone to game it.

Sadly, I’m watching my parents’ money fly out of their savings account right now because they have to spend A LOT of money in cash to get decent caregivers. My parents’ chose not to protect their assets or home so my siblings and I will not see anything. But we all worked hard and saved for our retirements so none of us need an inheritanc to live our day to day lives. It would have been nice to be able to help out my grandkids a bit for their college years but that is not meant to be. So not to worry, we are not taking anything from the taxpayers.
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This is a sad situation. You 'took' your inheritance before the person gifting it to you had even passed. And now you know that's a situation that's fraught with problems.

Your brother has made it clear he won't help. Believe him when he says he won't.

I just hope the waiting game goes quickly. Does dad have some other form of income? To tide him over?

I don't mean to be rude, you already know you made a bad decision--maybe your choice to take money now will serve as a warning to others.
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harrisb Dec 2022
its not totally miserable he has some income coming in and still have mine.

and he’s living in a separate apt in the house. When he was recently in the hospital for 3 months my brother didn’t even call or come to visit when I needed help setting up paperwork and to take him back home. That’s not a brother but I see my dad and him are similar in personalities.
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No.
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You cannot make your brother do anything to assist you or your dad. If he doesn't want to help he won't and you can't force him to assist. And you can't put a lien on his house or sue him to make him pay. Your dad is not his responsibility.
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funkygrandma59 Dec 2022
Nor is your dad your responsibility. You chose to take on his care and the way it looks to me, your brother was smart to not get involved.
Sounds like you're living to regret that decision huh? Hopefully you can get him placed sooner than later.
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