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I would encourage you to get some respite care and also find a support group!
Caring for someone 24/7 is hard... Many "health care agencies" offer respite care and that will give you the opportunity to do something for yourself. Call your local Area Agency on Aging there should be someone who could help you. I facilitate a support group for caregivers and feel it is VERY helpful to everyone. We share information we listen we encourage and we often hug one another! Caregiving is not easy I have done it personally and professionally. Please take care of YOU too...
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I know how you feel although situation a bit different I do understand and feel your frustration. I've been caring for mom in my home along with my husband for 3 years and seriously feels like a lifetime ago. Mom is sweet and pretty cooperative most times. The biggest issue is the sense there is no outlet outside my house and so confining like your a hostage at home. These past months I find myself at the brink of tears all the time. It's impossible to not feel resentment and then of course guilty for feeling that way. However, we are only human. I do deep breathing exercises throughout day so I don't meltdown at every little thing I have to do for mom. Love her to pieces and she certainly didn't sign up for this either. It's the toughest journey I've ever been on and I've raised children and have grandchildren too. I feel for you as this job sucks everything out of you and all of the sudden we are at the bottom of the list. I know in my heart of hearts God has placed me here and this is the best place for her quality of life so we just keep going and do our best. Although many days the attitude could use some adjusting. Hang in there and at least there really are many of us in same shoes.
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Thanks for posting your thoughts & feelings. I feel the same way today! It is what it is! ;-)
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Musiclover1, I know just how you feel. I am an only child, and have been caring for Mom in varying degrees for most of my life. There have always been just the 2 of us, no local family, and we are very close. To make a long story short, she has been living with me for 5 years now. Fortunately she qualifies for a caregiver for the hours I work, but as you said the minute you get home from your first job, the second one immediately begins. Yes, it starts the second I walk in and the caregiver leaves, and continues until I leave the next morning. Just like you, this is by choice as there is no nursing home locally I would even consider, and more importantly than that, I want her to be in her (our) own home. My Mom also tries to stay positive and involved in life, but try as I might I cannot get my resentment and short temper under control. Like yours, my Mom never took care of a parent, and I'm sorry but I just don't think raising a child is the same thing. Generally that is something that is done on purpose, and also generally children grow up and become independent. There is a reason I never wanted children, and I do resent that I have sort of ended up with one anyway. The thing is, I love my Mom more than I ever have or will anyone else, and I know that I'm blessed to have her with me this long and have the ability to see that she is well-cared-for. But I am just so tired in every way, and I hate that I am so impatient and resentful and short tempered with her because she certainly doesn't deserve it; I know she never expected this either and wishes she could still take care of herself. Again, like you, I have tried therapy, and people tell me all the time what a good daughter I am, how I'm only human and it's normal to feel frustrated and resentful sometimes, but I can't seem to be as patient and loving as I used to be, and believe me when I say I spend every waking hour going round and round on the guilt trip endless loop. It sounds easy to say, "Well, you know you should be kinder and more patient, so just do it and quit being so hateful. Also quit beating yourself up over everything, you're only human and doing the best you can." But I feel that I definitely AM NOT doing the best I can, and even though I am well aware of it I just can't seem to be better. I struggle with it every waking hour. I feel that I am a bad daughter and I could be better if I wanted to. So I guess that's true, I am a bad daughter for being resentful of how our life has become. I
(half jokingly) say that I will probably go to Hell for not being a cheerful giver.
Obviously I have made a long story even longer (sorry) but I sure do know how you feel, and if you come up with a way to improve my attitude I will be forever indebted. And if not, just thank you for sharing that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hope things improve for all of us. Like Tiny Tim said, "God bless us every one".
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I agree with what everyone else has posted and don't have much to add. I am a single caregiver to my dad who has mid stage Alzheimer's and live with him. I am 51, never married and have not had a date in 6 years. I have a sister who lives close by who helps out but not enough. I feel like my life is just passing me by and eventually I am going to get to a point where my dad will have to be put in a nursing home for my own sanity. No one has a clue how stressful being a caregiver is unless they themselves do it!
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I didnt mean to stumble on this site, but I think I was brought here by angels today. You all have the same life as I do. Isn't it ironic?

My mom is 85, and has AML. I have been her caretaker 99% of the time since her diagnosis, but have been her caretaker for 5 years. We share her house.

She has started to go downhill fast these past few months. She tried chemo, but we stopped it after 3 rounds.

She is almost total care, and is miserable and I guess in denial.

I work full time and because I must be some sort of masochist, I work as an RN in a very busy city hospital and then come home to take care of my mom. I have family in town, but their contribution is to stop by and watch tv for an hour and leave. I have tried everything to beg for some respite, but short of having a total nervous breakdown its not happening. My paying job is very stressful, but it has become my outlet from my mom. I have a caretaker who is truly an angel, but if my mom doesn't die in the next few months, she'll be broke.
So now I am going to have to do the medicaid thing, but hate to tell the facts to my mom that she is going to be out of money soon, doesn't own her house (its reversed mortgaged), and we need to her to get serious about the hospice route -- she is not going to get better.

The worst part is no one in my family loses sleep over this, or misses out on one of their social engagements. Things came to a head this am when I realized it really really hurts not to even be able to go to the midnight showing of the last Twilight movie. Everything else has been taken from me, but to not even let me indulge one more time, when my entire family knows I'm the original Twihard....it has shattered my heart. I had my meltdown in the grocery store, where I picked out a wee turkey breast to cook for myself, knowing no one will probably even think of us on Thanksgiving. So it will be my mom and me on Thanksgiving, someone might stop by for a moment -- but I'll cook something for myself (my mom doesn't eat much anymore) and I'll resent things more and more.

I am so sad, and hate to admit that I resent this situation. I never wanted to be her caregiver. I'm venting and I'm frustrated.
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These responses were so helpful to me. I often feel bewildered at the resentments that have risen in me since caring for my Mother. I feel ashamed of some of my thoughts and did not know I had that side to my personality until I was faced with this responsibility. It has totally changed my husband and my life. It has challenged me in ways that I would have never suspected it would. It is almost 3 years, and my mother lives down the street from me in assisted living. I am so blessed that she has the financial resources to be cared for in a very nice place....but the daily visits and emotional pulls on me are wearing me down. I try to shake it off but can't seem to get a grip on myself. I feel selfish for even having these feelings as I love my mother and have always felt close to her. She is basically an invalid and unable to do anything for herself so even though she is in assisted living it requires demands on me of daily duties, visits and management of all her affairs. My husband is burned out as well as he spends hours managing her affairs. I have two siblings who live out of state and unable to give us any relief. The few times we have tried to get away I cannot relax as I worry constantly. This post helped relieve me of some guilt to hear that others struggle with these same feelings. Thank you to all of you who have had the courage to honestly admit your feelings and experiences. Until you walk in the shoes of a caregiver you have no idea of the constant pressure it puts on you.
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As many others have said in the previous comments...most of us know exactly how you feel and some (like myself) are still going through the same thing. I have gone through periods of depression and anger - particularly at my family/siblings who have totally abdicated their responsibilities and left pretty much 99% of the caring for our Mother to me. The anger will eventually pass though it is awful while you are feeling like that. Ii find it builds and builds and then I have a blowout, bawl my eyes out with anger and then start to calm down. I work part time thank God because it's the only thing that keeps me sane - it's my vacation from taking care of Mom. I've worked all my life too - never married, no kids, so of course my siblings kinda think - what the hell, sure I have nothing else to do but care for Mom. I do try to take a day out for myself at least once every 2 weeks where I just go away for the day, meet friends for lunch/dinner, go to see a movie and usually end up in a bookstore because I love books. I wonder if getting a pet would help you. I have two dogs that were the best presents I ever gave myself. They have seen me through some sad sad times and are always so glad and excited to see me when I get home from work I don't know what I'd do without them. There have been moments when they were the reason I kept going. I don't know but maybe think about getting a pet - you might be pleasanty suprised. Good look on your journey. I've been caring for my 92yr old Mom for 13yrs now - she has dementia and hasn't recognized me in a very very long time. I keep thinking that it cannot go on for long more and I know I will be able to sleep well and look at myself in the mirror and know I've done the best I could for my beloved Mom. Whenever it happens I will be sad but relieved too. Take care of yourself and take comfort in the fact that you are most definitely not alone.
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I think I am ready for that padded cell.LOL I know you are right, if you don't laugh you will cry. God Bless your heart. You are too young to have to take on this burden. Are there any other options for you? You really need to think things through. This could be a very long journey and she may out live you.
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I joke here, maybe we can all share a padded cell someday! This is a wonderful website, a place where we can all be empathetic. I hide in my laundry room so I have a quiet place to relate with you. I am 34 caring for a grandmother that her other family members are fed up with her. I just smile, keep telling myself day by day, groundhog day, over and over.
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I am another caregiver that can relate to your angry feelings. I too am a caregiver for my 80 year old mother who had a stroke 3 years ago. She also has alzheimer's and is totally bedridden. I have to feed her because she no longer can do anything. She can't roll on her side, move her legs or anything. I am 50 years old, married 31 years have 3 grown children and 6 beautiful grandchildren. I gave up my career to care for my mother. This was not my plans for my life. I am at home caring for her 24/7. I have gone through deep depressions, anger as to why this has happened. This has put a toll on my marriage. I have now made the decision to put her in a nursing home. My health is failing, I have been down with my back barely able to take care of myself, but I still have to push myself to care for her. I have to go back to work or me and my husband are going to lose our home. This has been a financial burden. I love my mother dearly but she does'nt know anyone anymore and to tell you the truth I would never expect my children to give up their lives and marriage to take care of me. I feel that at that time I have lived my life and I want my children to have their lives and not be burden with the things that I have gone through. My sister and I do not speak anymore, because her and her children stole everything of my mother's and sold it for drugs. They are still living in her home. Funny though, I am power of attorney and executive of her estate and they took everything. But, she had a reverse mortgage on her home and I have pushed the issue and now the house is in foreclosure. Now my sister and her sons will be homeless. Not my problem anymore. They have taken everything from my mother, would not even let her have her purse. But, now their day is coming. They need not even come to me for help because I have washed my hands of them. Drugs were more important to them so now they can face the consequences.
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I hear the pain and frustration of what your going through. First of all take a deep breath, and give your self a pat on the back!! You deserve it!! You are an amazing daughter who has made many sacrifices to make sure your mom was cared for correctly, and her needs met. With that being said however I truly feel that you must give your self some extra time just for you. Is their a way to set aside a day each week just for you? Drop in to say hi to mom and all, but you really need to make sure you get the time you need to relieve some of the stress. Are their any one who would be willing to help you? I'd even look into local community services that have low prices. To take good care of her you must care for your self first, and I am sure she'd even agree, and want you to have time to live your own life. I know how you feel just in different ways, but a couple months ago I came in close contact with the "caregiver burnout" that I had only heard of up to that point. Not a good place. You must find ways to get back to you, and your likes in life. Maybe meditate? Spend time with friends. Even join a caregivers group in your area so stories can be shared, and you don't forget that your not all alone in this, and people do care. If you reach out I'm sure you may be able to get extra in-home care for mom so you can relax, and catch up with your life, and things you need to tend to. Glad you came to this site as people really try to help others with whats going on. Best wishes, and hope something I said or suggested may have helped or gave you a fresh idea on the matter. Remember take care of you as well!!!:))
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Hi b59, I'm thinking about you and sending you Hugs. (without having to vent for it) :)
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Bless your heart dnnstpierre... You are not alone... A caregiver support group would be great for you. Check with your Area Agency on Aging or Alzheimer's Association. I have cared for my parents for years. My Father went to heaven on July 25th 2010... My Mother then had a heart attack... She also has some dementia and refuses to take her medication... There are days I would love to just place her in a nursing home and throw my hands up in the air. take care, and God Bless...
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Your story sounds so much like mine. I care for my 92 yr. old mother-in-law, who lives with us, and has for the last 18 years. I don't work, but do have part-time, in home care for her. . She now has alzheimers and can't do a thing for herself outside of drink a cup of tea or spoon a little food into her mouth. You begin to wonder when will I have my life back. She is a sweet lady and absolutely loves her boy. The worst part is just watching her body shut down in very slow stages. Very depressing to watch someone die over the course of months... and then years. It's been beneficial to read my bible, exercise everyday (keeps some good mood endorphins going) and have outings with good friends. To get away from my anger and frustration I make it a point not to talk about the situation when with my friends. Sure, there's one or two that I confide in, but there is a group I lunch with that keeps it lighthearted. It makes things feel normal for a little while. Just remember, this too shall pass and when it does you will be well blessed for being such a wonderful person.
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Your right ,it is lonely. My husband and sons are here but the 3 of them work long hours and I'm here all day with my mother in law. She also is very critical and snappy. I know she is sick, but she was even like this before. . She takes it all out on me. When they get home she doesn't act like that. I don't know why she is like that with me.All her friends and family even avoid her because of it. They tell me I have the patience of a saint with her and I get treated the worse.Even if she doesn't agree with something about any one else, I'm the one who hears about it. She wants me to say something to them so she isn't the bad guy. She wants me to do her dirty work. I tell her, "you say something yourself" \, but she doesn't. I'm so tired of it. Her mind misteriously can work then. Hang in there. I guess we don't have a choice!!
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God do I feel for you. I care for my Dad who is 90 with dementia. There are days when I want to pull my hair out. He can be very angry and degrading to me. He complains about everything. In the 2 years I have cared for him I can't think of one day everything went well. But I hand in there and remind myself each day he has no control over who he has become. Sometimes I cry and ask God to take him home. What ever God has put before me I will handle and go on for the sake of my Dad. I get no help from family members. I work full time and have someone come in during the week but nights are lonely. He thinks everyone should be in bed at 5:30 pm...My son who is 18 and is a Marine helps me out here and there. I am currently looking for therapy or a group to join so I know I am not alone. And this is the point...YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Big hugs.
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kilanchoe, I know what you mean about feeling housebound. It's funny that before we become caregivers, people would say, "Let's go get something to eat." Then after they say, "You ought to get out more." I have been surprised at the lack of support that caregivers get from the outside world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seen as a freak or something contagious. It may be worse in my case because I moved to my parents' home from Texas, so didn't know anyone to begin with. Since I've been here no one visits. My SIL drops by every few months, but that has been the extent of it. In everyone's defense, I do have to mention that my parents are hermits who can be difficult to be with.

Still, I often think of how much better it would be if there was family and community involved. But everyone is too busy, and it's not really their job, so here we are. If you are like me, it's not the caregiving so much as the not having any company or fun. It can get mighty lonely going through a routine that is not much fun.
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As I read your "vent" I could totally relate to your burnout. I, too, am the only caretaker for my sister who has a dibilitating illness that only gets worse as the months go by. Some days I feel like I can't do this another hour and then, once again, I take the plunge and just keep going because there is no other option. My sister has a twin who lives in another state as does her only child and I would love the opportunity for them to care for her even one month a year. But they make every excuse why they are unable to have her come even for a visit so you can guess where that leaves me. Because I'm unmarried, and they have husbands and family, they think that it is a cakewalk for myself.
I try to cope by working on little projects which take my mind off the fact that I am so housebound. I recently started teaching myself to learn to play the piano on an electric keyboard and I cannot tell you what enjoyment I derive from this. I also am trying to learn to use a serger which has been sitting in a closet for years. These things keep me busy in another way and "up" so to speak. I have never been a housebound person and love the outdoors and fresh air so as often as possible I load her up in the car and although we can't get out and walk or ride a bicycle like days of old, we can enjoy the drive and the beautiful scenery as the seasons change where we live.

I hope these few ideas give you some insight to some of the things that you, too, can perhaps take advantage. I often think if the shoe were on the other foot, would my sister care for me as I do her. I would hope this to be true and she often tells me how she appreciates my help and that in itself is payment enough.

I am fortunate in that I do not work outside the home as I am retired (I am six years older than my sister) and the job of taking care of my sister is a full time one for me.

I do hope you can find some "hugs" for you in my comment and are able to see tomorrow as a better day. Hang in there and keep on truckin' Angel of Mercy.
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I can totally relate. I am 33 years old and my mom suffered a massive stroke at the age of 56 about a year ago. I lost my dad at a young age, so it is just my brother and I. My brother lives 30 minutes away and does not help at all either. I work full time, I have two kids (one being a teenager), and a newlywed husband that I married just before all of this happened. I live 2 miles from my mom. I am her primary caregiver and I too have had to give up a lot of my life. I rarely see my kids, I am not with my family until about 10:00 at night. It gets very frustrating, but I know it's not her fault and she is just as frustrated as I am. She didn't want it to be this way for either of us, but it is what it is and we just have to adjust. You can't be happy about it 100% of the time, but you have to try your best. A wise person once told me that God only gives you what you can handle. When I start getting frustrated, I just try to keep that in mind and do the best that I can for everyone. I have accepted that I am only one person and I do that best that I can. When you do good for others, good will come back for you. It just takes time. Good luck! I hope it works out for you!
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Bonnie, I so understand. Certain advice like "get out more" or "see a therapist" don't mean anything to me. I do get out a lot and I don't need therapy. When I get out, though, I come home and the situation remains. Sometimes I do feel like I need to go out in the yard and scream. I think that is part of being normal and under stress.

I also vent, then wake up the next day thinking that it really isn't all that bad. There are good days and bad. Then there are the days from hell that make me wish I could crawl under a rock. I have a feeling that the boomer generation got caught in a period of change. People live longer now, but many did not prepare financially or mentally for problems that come with old age. Many want to remain in their homes, instead of going to senior communities.

Your words about your mother not being a caregiver at your age reminded me of a conversation I had with my mother. She was complaining about how my brothers never visit. I asked her if she had visited her parents when they were old. I knew she had gone down for a week every year or two. I hoped that it made her realize that she was asking more from her children than she had been willing to give to her parents.

Bonnie, you seem incredibly strong to me. Having a job and caregiving for such an ill mother is quite a demanding life. I don't have any answers on what to do, since I haven't been able to figure it out myself. I have many thoughts about how it would be better -- like what if there were a lot of people around, making it a happy environment. I don't know if it is my imagination, but often it feels like others avoid contact with old people or sick people. They talk about how wonderful the caregiver is, but then disappear. Sometimes I want to say, "We're not contagious." However, I know many people are not comfortable with the situations we face every day.

Pardon the rambling. I know there wasn't any advice here. I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel.
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I take my mother in law to the foot and ankle dr. Every 3 months. they remove calouses and clip her nails Insurance pays it Just call and see what foot Dr. in your area that will do this and be covered on her health insurance.. It should be as easy as a few phone calls! GOOD LUCK. Let me know what happens
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Medicare will pay for nail clipping by a podiatrist, I would check into that. Most hospitals or clinics have a podiatrist.
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vent all you want then some more, sounds like you need it . vent here then look her in a loving way and tell her what she means to you. Cause she did it for you. I'm sure she vented with her friend.We can't give up. they did not give up on us i can tells there alot of love, you're just tried. I had to give familiy no choice on helping. I USED guilt,anything But she deserive my best,and my best best was no good if i was going to get sick too.
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Hey Bonnie~ just wanted to say hello. I have had you on my mind several times since I last posted. Just wondering how things are with you... How are you doing today? Hugs...Bobbi Henderson
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Hello b59, I've tried several times to start typing this note to you and am not sure exactly why my heart and mind can't find the words. Maybe it's because your situation reminds me so much of my own. I have it so much better than most (it seems like it anyway), so why should I feel so angry and then so guilty about feeling angry. My Mom is a great lady with a wonderful sense of humor and a positive attitude about things almost all of the time. I feel so selfish even thinking that I'd like to travel more or see my friends more, or whatever. We do the best we can do and that's the best we can do! I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I'm reaching out to you with hugs.
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jim - balto. md. - i need to know about getting someone to care for my mothers toe nails on a regular basis (clipping.)
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I just did my profile. I absolutly DO NOT want where i live on this for all to see. i really like this site but please take my city off. I DID NOT give any permission. please reply asap or i need to cancell this all . I do not think thats right . ts no ones business where we live and quite scary that you do this.Especially without consent. this should be illegal
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I just did my profile. I absolutly DO NOT want where i live on this for all to see. i really like this site but please take my city off. I DID NOT give any permission. please reply asap or i need to cancell this all . I do not think thats right . ts no ones business where we live and quite scary that you do this.Especially without consent. this should be illegal
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Sorry I just signed my name and it should have read burnedout2
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