I'm so upset right now that I almost don't have the energy to type out my thoughts. I have so much to say. So much to write. I have been up for 2 hours crying in bed, sick.
I gave up my job to go to my parent's house to spend time with my mom and help while she is on hospice. I have 2 small children who are with me.
I feel taken advantage of at times. I feel like a slave. I feel disappointed at how I'm treated and how my children are treated. My mother is always crabby, and quite frankly..... Right now... The way I feel is that I like it when she's passed out sleeping because she's not so negative, so critical, so crabby. I used to feel guilty for those feelings, but right now.... I don't..
My dad has treated me like a child and has underminded my parenting at times.
I just don't have the energy to type a whole lot or explain. Maybe I'll feel more up to it later.
My mom has stage IV cancer and is on hospice. I feel so disappointed at the time spent here with her. So very disheartening....
Anyone else have these feelings?
Your mother has two functioning adults in the house with her. She can - and believe me, I am prepared to allow almost *any* latitude to people who are living with cancer - snap her fingers at them.
Just go home. God willing, once you've got your breath back and circumstances have eased up on every front, there will be time for you to reset your approach to your mother, and to the rest of the family too.
Go home. Have a think about where the boundaries should be, and return with them in place.
I want you to consider your nursing skills. What skill is it at the end of life that you have that the other members of your family lack? Can they not change diapers? Not wipe lips with swabs? Not pull drops out of a bottle? I think they are fine doing those things.
It may be that you are hoping to get some kind of affirmation from your mom that she's never given you. She sounds like she and your dad are unappreciative. You have given enough for now. You don't have to knock yourself silly to work towards a goal that may never come.
Your children are being affected. I remember when mthr took me on a long trip to my grandfather's house to clean it out. I remember being told to play on the walkway of the townhouse in a city, and to never talk to strangers. I remember vividly a very tall woman coming up to me and asking where my mother was, and freezing in fear because a stranger was talking to me and would surely kidnap me.
I remember nothing else. I was about 4 or 5. What vivid memories will your children keep? Control what they are exposed to!
My father died in January, my mom has dementia (?) and cannot live alone. My husband and I moved in with her and I left my job temporarily. She is sweet as pie and very grateful and obedient. That may sound harsh, but with her I have found over these past months that I cannot trust her judgement in any area. Back to you:
When my dad was dying and I was taking care of him, the prominent thought was: How am I going to feel at the end? Did I want my last words to him to be harsh? Did I want him to not have the care he deserved? For the last 5 years I have done so much for my parents and that is why they lived so long. Having said that, I was not going to have one regret! When he passed, I had said everything in the years, days prior that needed to be said and my last words to him were kind and loving. I know that you have gotten a lot of advice here, but I just wanted to add that ONLY you know the situation. Please think about how it will feel once your parents are gone.
”How will you feel after they’re gone?” places all the guilt and responsibility on the OP. That is the last thing she needs.
A grown child can be kind to a parent without sacrificing every last of herself and her sanity (and her kids too). It’s not her fault her mother is crabby and unappreciative. She couldn’t earn her mom’s love before and she isn’t going to earn it now. That is mom’s fault, not hers.
I think most of us have certain hopes and expectations going into caregiving. We want to make an emotional connection. We want to give and receive love. We want to be a source of comfort, not just a resource for getting needs met.
I totally relate to your sadness and disappointment. The first 7 years of taking care of my mother were like that. The crabbiness. The finger-snapping. The lack of gratitude. The expectation that I was simply there to do her bidding.
For me, this changed when my mother went into hospice care at home, during the final weeks of her life. I posted this about it back in July 2018: "It turns out Mom and I are both full of surprises in the last few weeks of her life. She is oddly peaceful, openly grateful, even wryly humorous at times. It seems she's finding something soothing and comforting about being cared for like a baby, and about having me be the one doing it. ….I told her last night: "This is what I moved to Florida for, all those years ago. This time when we can be this close and really love each other."'
In the end, I had the experience I wanted, which is probably the experience you wanted too. I'm so sorry your mother isn't able to give you that, and I do understand your pain and your grief. That's all.
Quite often, things we think will be the right thing, like helping your dying mother, end up to be sooooo, and worse, than we imagined. That's OK. It's hard to know what things will be like, etc.
If/when things really decline to a more fatal level, you can always return. For a couple of days at a time perhaps.
And that stopping and doing some deep breathing is a great idea. It worked for me when I went through a very stressful time. I would feel myself all stressed out and would relax my shoulders, breath in and out until I felt more relaxed and back under control.
Sorry, I just read your updates - there is no need for you to subject your children to this when there are other people available, for goodness sake go home and limit your help to the days and hours your husband can be there with the kids!
Respite care - Up to 5 consecutive days at the hospice facility to give caregivers a break! I need to remind my dad and sister of this.
My mom woke me up at 06:30am by snapping her fingers VERY hard, VERY long for a long time. She wanted a glass of orange juice and 2 pieces of buttered toast with cinnamon sugar. Why snap fingers? I guess because she didn't want to exert herself speaking (?) Nor wake the kids (?). We sleep on the sofa bed in the TV room next to her room (former dining room). I was up for 3 hours straight last night, and then when I did sleep I woke every 30 minutes to an hour partly because my kids are all over the bed and partly due to my stomach being upset and thinking about everything.
Thank you for reminding me of this!
It's a depressing situation that comes with seeing someone in decline and illness. You can't always help or fix what is unfolding. My mother is on hospice but we're not at the end it seems and this may go on for sometime.
This is sad for you but there's also a scaffolding of how to treat others who are ill. That you are present and counted, I certainly would be appreciative in your mother's place and you are demonstrating compassion to your children albeit frustration as well. Kudos for stepping in to help your father. Family members are needed for hospice care. Abled bodied family members aren't forthcoming in my situation and hence my resentment which I have to move past.
Keep things in perspective for yourself and your children especially who depend on you. Treasure your small children despite all that is going on. They will remember this and you will. I don't remember if I said this in front of my young child, but I had to tell my mother long ago to not undermine my parenting. There's enough of that which goes on implicitly and in the world at large. Surprisingly she listened. She remains crabby but at least not on this issue. I think it's ok to walk away at these times if all else is safe.
Planning for what comes after will put you in a better place to achieve your family goals, while one chapter is coming to an end.
With COVID-19, I'm homeschooling my kindergartener from my parents' house. So, yesterday I worked with my son from 07:30am until 12:30pm (with many breaks) and then we left. We stayed gone and didn't return to my parents' house until 08:00pm. Once we arrived, we went to the backyard, in the dark, sat in chairs, snuggled, and watched a cartoon on DianeyPlus. I was dreading going back in, and I was trying to wait it out outside as long as I could, and then I decided how ridiculous it was, and we went inside at 08:40pm. I spoke to my husband on the phone who said that he thought we should go back home for a while and let EVERYONE have a break. He said that he thought there were too many bodies living in close quarters (my older sister lives here too). So there are 7 people under this roof ( which is including a newly 4 year old and almost 6 year old).
We had a nice day yesterday (just me and my two sweet little ones.) We went to two beautiful parks. They rode their bikes. We played catch. We played kickball. We played frisbee. We blew bubbles. We played with silly string. We played hide and go seek. We played "good guys and bad guys and jail" as my daughter calls it. We treated ourselves to Happy meals for them and a fantastic meal from a deli for me (curbside of course with the virus). We stayed gone for 8 hours! At the very end of our fun day, my almost 6 year old son was READY to get back, and I had the LONGEST talk with him about behaving and not being too loud, how we have to respect space and time and pick up (toys) after ourselves, etc. etc. etc. He was sweet and promised to make it easy on me, him, his little sister, his grandma, everyone tomorrow.
Even though, we had a nice day yesterday......I know...... That that one break, even though it was nice..., Was just not enough. We're going back to our home Monday. We will be at our own home from Monday to Friday morning. Then we'll go back toy Mom's for a little while longer.
Well, as I write, I'm feeling more relaxed and sleepy.... Thank you for your kind words and listening (well reading) .....
Which means it's time for you to get out of there and go back to work. Visit once a week (or whatever you pre determine to be best) and take your life back. If it were me, I'd leave the children home for most of the visits, too, because they're young and may feel traumatized by the atmosphere in their grandparents' home. Unless you feel that SOMETHING positive is gained for them by the experience, then don't expose them to it. Childhood is so fragile and so short lived; allow them to remember grandma in a positive and loving light. That's my suggestion.
And finally, hospice can drag on for quite a long time. My mother has a friend who had a TON of serious health issues and wound up being on hospice for nearly 3 YEARS. Nobody can say how long a terminal person will live; only God has that information and we're not privy to it.
You've done enough, methinks. Time to step back now & rethink your next steps in this troublesome situation. Wishing you the very best of luck moving forward.
Can you get your job back? Can you go back to your own place? This is not working. You need to get out. You are in their house so hard to set boundries.
I agree with you now. I wish now more times than not that I did NOT quit my job for MANY reasons. My bills are taken care of. So, that's not a concern at this particular moment in time (thankfully).
Can I get my job back? Sure I can always start back. I started babysitting from home a few months before mom was rushed to the ER, admitted, and then sent home on hospice. I quit my job then.. I was a stay-at-home mama so that I could spend more time with my children. I was a stay-aat-home mama for 3 years (10 years of nursing prior,). My children and I can always return back to our home, and I could always pick up babysitting from home again truth be told. Financially I don't have too but I like too for extra spending money for my babies.
Yes, boundaries are VERY hard to set in THEIR house. Yes ma'am they are!
Thank you for your response..
Your current situation is clearly not working and must change.
Definitely agree!
What brought you to move in with her? How long have you been there? Is this a large multigenerational house?
If you're sitting down and reading this, do this.
Straighten your back and sit comfortably.
Breathe in through your nose, slowly and steadily.
Purse your lips and blow your breath out gently, steadily and completely.
Do that up to five times.
Now. What's happened? And to begin with, how long have you and your little ones been staying at your parents' house?
I feel relaxed. Thank you for reminding me to STOP......just STOP.....relax and breath......
Mom went to the emergency department the 1st week in March, was at the ED all day, transferred to a different hospital to an oncology unit, and then 3 days later she was sent home and admitted to Hospice. The doctor thought she would die before the summer was up. He was surprised that she lasted this long (diagnosed Sept 2018). He said that we have "Bonus time right now. Go home and enjoy it." So, we have been with her since the beginning of March.
The hospice nurse comes once a week ever Monday.
I appreciate your response.
My bills are thankfully taken care of (what a blessing that is).
Thank you for your response and for taking the time to read.