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I am a little surprised that your husband expects sex in any form if he is in such poor health and frankly he could handle this one situation by himself unless he thinks you are getting gratification too in some way. Just tell him that you just don’t have the drive for any sexual interaction now and you are just tired and leave it there. It is just not fair for you to have to do this if you don’t want to considering what all else you are having to do. You need some joy in your life even if it is a hobby of some kind. Do what is medically necessary and if you want to spend time with him watching a movie on tv or playing cards, fine. If not, you do something you want to do. This can’t be a life sentence for you. Go somewhere to eat with gal pals and hire somebody to sit with your husband. Preferably a male. He has too much down time laying around and his mind is going straight to “the gutter”. He is not working like you are. Good luck. Be strong.
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maybe he wants to know that he is loved, unconditional love. and sometimes guys feel they need to be bossy...as wrong as that looks and sounds..
maybe he just needs to know you are there for him.. yikes... I am not good on this subject...
for better or worse. . the wedding vows... (?)
spin the situation around in your brain... maybe you can find your true answer there.
perhaps he still sees you long before this came up... (there I go again)
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Hey Educ8r
You already have a number of very good, supportive answers, so whether my 2 cents will help, only you can tell. I would suggest you consider what your times of intimacy were like before his disability. I remember, when having some marriage counseling before we tied the knot, that there are 3 pimary areas where most couples have trouble: substance abuse, money and sex. So, sexual relationships can be complex, even for people who do not have the added responsibility of care giving. Years later, I talked about this with a counselor before my husband's stroke and she asked a question?
"If he were hungry in the morning and wanted you to make him breakfast, would you do it?" I said, "Yes, but it might be a peanut butter & Jelly sandwich! I would rather have steak and eggs once a week than PBJ, 3 times." I got her point, tho, sexual appetites vary and it does not mean that is wrong!
I know that sex was one of the things my spouse still enjoyed, and after losing so much, I appeased him when I could. Yes, sometimes, resentfully, but then I reminded my self that after 45 years together, all the crises we faced, changes to us physically and mentally, he still wanted me!!
More recently, he has been unable to finish, and for the last 9 years or so, it was simply me taking care of him, meaning without a lot of penetration. I did not even want him to reciprocate because it was mentally tiring.
I know that I feel degraded sometimes. He still ogles me when changing or after a shower, He will reach out and smack my butt when I go by, but again, it is ME he is interested in. I am not disappointed that his performance is slowing down, I'm actually thankful, but I keep in mind that, even though the physical act was not what it once was, it still had the same meaning. I love you, and I am the only one who can satisfy this need.
We no longer share a bed either, but I do not mind. Many of you have given great advice. I see the caring between the lines and benefited from each of your comments, as well.
Wishing you all the best.
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NobodyGetsIt Sep 2020
Dear "bondoe,"

I think you are new to the forum and I just wanted to encourage you when it comes to responding to someone's question.

First of all, I'm glad you gave your comment in spite of what you said "You already have a number of very good, supportive answers..." I've been on the forum for two months now. There have been times when I'll look at a question and see they have plenty of responses so I won't have anything to contribute that would be helpful and move on. But, other times I will go ahead and put my "2 cents" in anyway. There have been many, many times when the person who asked the question didn't find it helpful but, obviously that person isn't the only one reading the responses. We may not help them specifically but, someone else will find something in our responses that is a "take away" for them.

So I hope you will continue to share your thoughts, experiences, advice and suggestions because you just never know when you will reach someone who will really need it even if the original poster doesn't.

I for one, enjoyed reading your thoughtful and considerate comments!
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Based on your post it sounds like your husband doesn't have Dementia or Alzheimer's, by another debilitating disease. Which means, he still has his normal desires and hopes within the marriage. Whew! Caregiving is hard and emotional. I would be crushed if my spouse lost interest in me. This is personal. Many times overactive sexual desire (your spouse) or underactive sexual desire (you) can be caused by a variety of problems. Some can be medications, part of the illness or pure exhaustion as caregiver.
You married for better or worse and unfortunately you are in a healthcare worst. I would first talk to the doctor about medications for both of you. As we age, women lose estrogen, which can cause lack of interest in sex. Get tested and see if this is part of your issue. The other is time away from caregiving to give you a break, where you can go back refreshed as a spouse, not just a caregiver. If you have maintained good communication throughout your marriage talk it out. Give guidelines, once a week or only after a shower where everyone is clean and fresh smelling.
Doesn't hurt to try these things to see if it improves both of your outlooks and so you can end with a happy and satisfying marriage.
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I wouldn't say its taboo..........and I am guessing he is experiencing some dementia.  The stages of that are so different for each person.  My father when he was 90 would ask my mother (86) to hold his private part but mom just couldn't do it because of how dad would lie in bed and moms arm would hurt.  He went thru this phase for a couple weeks, but she never gave in because she just couldn't.  There is no way someone/anyone can "feel sexy" when you have been working/caring for someone all day because all the "caregiver" wants to do is sit down and relax without any interruptions.  Maybe tell him to wait a little bit or wait until later (and hopefully he will forget)............its tough especially when its your partner.  I guess we all change over the years and then when/IF dementia hits........its a whole new world.  I am wishing you luck and rest.
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I’d hire a caregiver and keep your previous role as his partner rather then mother. I understand how that happens I was married and my husband became one of my kids and we were still in our 20s.
If he still functions as a man that’s preferable to any thing else for men :)
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Educ8r
Thank you for bringing this subject to light!!
It's a tough one!!
It's not unusual for men with dementia or Alzheimer's to become hypersexual.
As others have suggested, it's important for you to distinguish between caregiving and wife.
As uncomfortable as it is for me to admit, being a caregiver has completely drained my sex drive!
I am caregiver for two people not in my home.
I know that's totally different than your situation.
However, even knowing what I am going through, my hubby, even on my worst days, still wants to have his "needs" met.
In those moments, I dig deep and remember that I love this man!
I take his needs into consideration.
I do this for balance and peace!
I truly understand that this may be offensive to some, but intimacy is a vital part of marriage regardless of mental status.
I pray that you can find peace and balance!
Praying that you can still find intimacy in your marriage!
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