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I think they all need Assisted Living and you can help them get settled INTO an ALF and then let the staff care for all these relatives, as you're doing with your aunt.

Your biological father's father did not WANT him to be in the room when he passed away, which is why he chose that specific 10 minute period to do so while your dad was outside smoking. It was not a 'coincidence' it happened that way. Trying to convince your father of such a thing may be another story entirely, however.

Your biological father will not 'kill himself and his wife' if he has to place his wife in AL, in fact, he can go WITH her into AL and they can live together there in a nice apartment and forget about all the stress they're currently dealing with in a house. You can get him some brochures to look over and make up his mind about, otherwise, you don't have time to listen to negativity all the time and/or to drive him to endless dentist appointments, either. You have a job that's physically killing you and you're already spread too thin as it is, so please dad, give me a break already. Assisted Living is NOT the hellhole these elders seem to think it is, and we 'children' don't have to listen to the nonsensical threats and guilt they heap on us if faced with such a fate. There is no other choice, dad, I can't do this anymore. Period.

Your biological mother is suffering from dementia if she wants to play a card game for 6-8 hrs a day and asks you gibberish-like questions. She'll need an ALF with a Memory Care wing which she can segue into eventually, when the time comes.

When any of them call you, you have exactly 5 minutes to spend on the phone b/c you have an Urgent Meeting to attend in exactly 5 minutes from whatever time it is they called, and that's that. Let the rest of the calls, if not ALL of them, go directly to voice mail. Pick & choose the ones you want to return, and apply the 5 minute rule to each.

You have to set down boundaries with all of these people or YOU will wind up in the hospital from stress related disease. You can wind up dying before any one of them, in reality, b/c dementia can last an awfully long time before it kills an elder.

As far as your b/f goes, why exactly does he not want to hear about YOUR problems? What kind of 'relationship' is it that he only wants to deal with happy times and not help his loved one through bad times and stressful times? As if you wouldn't be there for HIM should one of his family members need him? It may be time to have a Come to Jesus Meeting with this b/f who needs to take YOUR needs into consideration here! You deserve that, my friend. You're worth it.

Sit down & decide how you're going to handle each one of these elders, and how much time & effort you're willing to devote to their issues. There comes a time when elders need more help than is humanly possible for ONE person *YOU* to give to them. That's when the decision is made to go into managed care, or fend for themselves. It's not that you don't care.....it's that you only have two hands and 24 hours in each day, and neither is enough.

Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan for YOUR sanity!
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SeniorStruggles Mar 2021
I didn't realize how lonely I felt in this process until I read your incredibly beautiful, kind and thoughtful email, LeaLonnie1. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I am immobilized by this process and had become unable to see any logic for myself. I know you are so right: the party is nearly over for them and my exhaustive efforts to help any one of them get through 24 hours without a disaster. Thank you so much. Much love to you.
(9)
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Thats definitely very difficult. Sounds ike a group home, but even they have professional caregivers.

They either need a professional helping them, or placement. This is too much for one person.
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SeniorStruggles Mar 2021
Thank you so much. I am completely, utterly, overwhelmed. You are right.
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My heart aches for you. I suppose you have no personal life whatsoever, right?

WHY are you paying for their care? They ALL must have some amount of income, SS, pensions, something. THAT should be paying for them.

Medicaid for them if they don't have Medicare. Look into NH's where you maybe can get a group rate! (Kind of kidding, but not really).....

No one person can maintain this level of care w/o going bonkers. You're starting to see this. Even with all of these folks in some kind of care, you will still be hopping like a bunny trying to get all their care coordinated and organized.

An entire NH staff couldn't effectively do what you're doing.

If you don't downsize, and do it soon--YOU will be the one needing help and who will step up to help you?
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SeniorStruggles Mar 2021
Thank you. One set of parents (bio mom and step dad) are relatively independent. I HATE playing cards, always have, so I avoid them as much as possible, but that puts additional stress on my poor dear stepdad who raised me. They have money.

Auntie recognizes me, but is unwilling/unable to communicate anymore, and doesn't seem to give a d***. Her brain seems COMPLETELY gone, so she'll soon be in Assisted Living and I will visit...when/if I can.

Biological dad and his wife are in DIRE need of additional care. The county is already giving them a home aide 6 hours/week but they make her do stupid things and don't get her to do what they need. For example, she rearranges furniture weekly, even though that means she doesn't get to cook or do laundry. In June, it will be one year since I took over their miserable lives and moved them to my state. They've declined enormously since then. I am preparing to take actions to put them in a government-funded assisted living, since they are indigent. It's tragic, but all that they can do. They squandered all their money with terrible, reckless financial decisions all their lives, right up until I stepped in.

I am so overwhelmed, sad and stressed out. My instinct is to run away to my real home (in California) and leave them all here in Illinois to rot. That's terrible, but I think about running away from them all, including the boyfriend, every day!
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So the profile says you are responsible for 5 seniors, all with severe limitations.
I'm sorry. I can't imagine such a thing being in any way possible.
Is there some limit in your mind. Would seven be OK? Would 9?
It is time for placement for these seniors who cannot manage on their own unless you want to manage your own private nursing home and move them all in. At least then the State would pay you for their care.
I really don't have an answer at all for you. You will have to set some limits or you will eventually buckle under all this, become very ill and totally non-functioning to by then you will likely also be alone. Then what for these FIVE people?
Sorry, but there is no answer but to downsize all of this. It isn't doable.
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SeniorStruggles Mar 2021
Sadly, I'm starting to think you are correct. I am at my wit's end. Thank you.
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