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Given the state of your moms dementia there’s no point in trying to explain a move to memory care. Find a reality that suits her in the moment: Plumbing has to be fixed. Roof problem. Find a nice place, get her room fixed up and make the move.

My dad thought he was in a hospital on some days or a hotel on other days. He was always trying to pay his bill and tip the staff at meals. I don’t want to mislead anyone that this was easy, it was tough but there was no other way at this point as I was dealing with both failing parents on my own.

Keep in mind that if our elderly parents were in their right minds and still had good executive reasoning they would not expect their children to sacrifice their lives to care for them at home. But old folks don’t understand what they are putting kids through by expecting care to the grave. My folks were good people but didn’t have the slightest clue what it took to keep them cared for in their 80s.

Your mom will adjust in time. Best of luck to you.
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I’m glad you’re open to AL. So many folks feel guilt, no matter which situation. Think of AL as relief, as you know she is being cared for 24/7. Mom would want you to live your life. We moved MIL into AL 2 years ago, and have been very happy. Hubby thought he would feel guilty, but we’re 2000 miles away, and neither wanted to move closer. Her friends can visit her, etc. we also hired a geriatric care manager who is worth her weight in gold. She can take her to doc appts, shopping for shoes (we order most stuff in,one). Best part is, she can have harder conversations with MIL, without the emotions attached. We haven’t looked back, and everyone is happy.
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Hello dlachia:

I remember only too well when Mom became that "shell and not my Mom". We love them, but as their "caregiver" we must also be somewhat detached. That is extremely hard to do. It is our love for them that produces the "guilt" when we think about moving them into Assisted Living. I did it for Mom because I found that my ANGER over all the demands, not remembering, and her anger when I would do the necessary help (bathing, feeding, dressing, fetching her whatever -- and a whole lot more). I knew that I would not be able to stay her loving Daughter if I had to shoulder all the care.

I wanted to show Mom these places and have her visit, but it did not work out that way. It is not easy to do this, I guess I would say I was lucky when she was hospitalized and they said they would not release her to any form of Independent Living. While she was living with me that would mean I would have to give up my life as I had known it, my recreation time, etc. She could not be alone at all.

I found, with help of an agency, a wonderful place with caregivers that were outstanding. The totally understood Mom, Me and what what happening. While I still maintained POA and Medical POA, I was able to handle all that and remain the loving daughter. When I first moved her into Assisted Living I stayed away for a couple week (she needed time to adjust and it was recommended). After that I would visit a minimum of twice a week. All her Grand children, great grand children and more could visit on their own schedule and not worry about anything, but spending some time with her. And yes I had to do coaxing to get them there, but in the end they all now have memories. Mother passed just over a year ago and was 98.

It was not an easy choice, but saved me from being angry all the time, and not being able to give her the love she deserved. Even though in the last few years she was not the "Mother" I had known, she was still MOM. I then put myself into Therapy so I could deal with that quilt, anger and confusion over her care and who she had become. It has helped a lot.

It does really sound to me, if you are getting frustrated, hurting, depressed, then this may be the best answer for all of you.

Good luck and God speed.
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Krisargent Dec 2020
Thank you, I needed to hear this as well. Father's time is coming soon and I need all the help I can get.
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My husband had dementia and then Alzheimers. When it came time that I knew, as he was wandering outside and crossed a 6 lane boulevard, it wasn't his choice. Besides, he was at stage he didn't know anything anyway, still able to walk out the door though, and tell me what he wanted to do. When the time came, It wasn't "I'm going to take you to...." it was silence on my part. I made all the arrangements, got in home medical examination and x-ray, made arrangements for mover to take his things to the asssisted living. I brought him to the facility, but I wasn't allowed to go with him to his room. They didn't allow it. They told me almost all facilities require 2-3 weeks no visits for the patient to get used to their room and not be at their home, and I was not allowed to return for visit for 3 weeks.

It wasn't my husband's choice, he was at stage he didn't know what was going on, but he knew when it was time to eat, then he wouldn't eat much, and where his favorite chair was. The 3 weeks were hard on ME, not him, and after the time was up, I walked into the place, he was in a lounge with other people who were in wheel chairs and no one talking to each other, probably mostly unable to know what to say. He really didn't know me anyway by this time.
When I did visit, 4-5 times a week, I would often find him sleeping--not in his room, but on a sofa in one of the 4 adjacent living rooms. Try to wake him, no, leave him alone he wants to sleep. He didn't know he wasn't in his own home.
To me, the procedure used by my husband's facility was better and their demand was logical to me. He was safe there from wandering. Did he try to open doors, You betcha. But the alarm sounded as well as door being locked. He adapted.


Don't worry your family member with your feelings, just do it, make the decision, and go on from there. I visited after the 3 weeks and he still didn't know me, as he didn't before he entered the facility. He talked to me, but didn't complain on where he was.
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I have a 96 yr old Dad that I had promised would get to stay in his own home and not be put in a Senior Home. He has Dementia and can't remember a conversation after 5 minutes either. He knows me and maybe one or two other relatives that visit often but he forgets names but you can tell he recognizes you.
I can have a conversation with him about things way in the past as he can remember he use to be a Fireman and he use to ride a motorcycle he just has very short term memory loss.
I can visit him and he is happy I came by but 5 minutes after I leave, my sister can call him and he won't remember I came by. But I look at it this way, he's happy, feels loved, safe ect for the time I'm there.

I've hired 24 7 Caregivers for him.

I've also installed cameras so I can check on my dad and see how he's being treated 24 7 from my Cell or laptop.

I know that even tho Memory Homes make the appearance of being an awesome place but sadly they are not. They only tell you and show you what makes the sell of getting you to put your loved one there. Most people there are lonely, sad, depressed, scared, ect and they do not last long, especially with the Covid outbreak.
Most don't have enough Caregivers for all the patients and sadly since most of the patients can't report what's going on, they get left alone and can end up staying in wet or mess diapers for hours. They will lose weight because they either won't or can't feed themsekf or take too long to do it or they can't remember exactly what to do. My 96 yr old Dad only eats soft food, he thinks he can't chew and swallow stuff he use to like like meat, ect. Sbout a year ago I furst noticed that anything he would put in his mouth if he would feel texture to it, he would spit out, he first started with still wanting the food he use to eat and he would chew it but instead of swallowing it,, he would spit it out, So I stopped with the meat ect He would find everything...if he ate a blueberry waffle, he would spit the blueberries out, he would spit the outer skin out of any Vienna sausage, anyway, I changed his diet to just things he would eat and the most textured things he will eat is an egg scrambled or boiled and cut up and a pancake or waffle with syrup. Little Debbie mini muffins where chocolate is his favorite. He will eat mash potatoes and gravy, Oatmeal. Applesauce, Yougurt tho I tell him it's yougurt Pudding and yes I found it in chocolate and he loves it.
He eats anything that can be mashed like cooked carrots. Sweet Potatoes. Ect.
He gets his protein from milk & yogurt. And he loves ice cream.

He gets his fruit from juices.

And , he wants to eat every 3 hrs or so like a Baby. He doesn't eat a lot at one time but eats several times a day, even at night.

That wouldn't hsppen at a home. If you don't eat,, you don't eat and they'll just tell you the lived one is not eating.

If your loved one is acting up or giving them trouble they just have the Dr prescribe Rx's. They end up on so much med's, they're just taking up space but quietly until they die.
I've checked out places and know people that have worked in them and it's a sad situation.

If you have no other choice but to put your mom in a home, at least find one that will allow a camera installed in her room. I use Nest Cameras znd they're easy enough to install.

You mention you have several Siblings?

What about figuring how much it would cost to hire 24 7 Caregivers and have them all split the cost. If you do your research, you can find them at all prices from $10 an hr up. Don't go thru an Agency that charges you $20 an hr but only gives them minimum wage.

You can also hire a Live In which is cheaper.

My point is, if you mom can stay out of a Senior Memory Care Home, it would be the Best Choice for her quality and lingtivity.

If your mom has any money saved or a house, sale it and use the money for her care at home where she'll be the happiest.

Prayers during this stressful time of decision making.
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GrandmaC Dec 2020
Not sure where you live, but in my area ( west coast) private pay care givers ( if you can find any) are $20 per hour and agencies over $30. If you do that math, full time caregiving comes to $20,000 a month. My Mom is in an excellent memory care place, and is near the maximum level of assistance including feeding her, and everything else. She has been on hospice for 18 months which is paid for by Medicare ( that bill is about $4,000 monthly). The nurse visits weekly ( I have not been allowed inside since March) and reports to me. I just received notice that the facility cost of living adjustment for her in Jan. will take her monthly bill over $10,000. In our state it is illegal to hide cameras in facilities. When Mom first went into MC, she also went between being in a hotel and at college, and sometimes she was at work conducting staff meetings etc. The entire situation is tragic, I no longer have my Mother, but her body is still here. We are all living her worst fear. For 30 years she has said" give me a heart attack, stroke, cancer, anything but dementia, I do not want to live like that". Many nights I pray the Lord to take her, His will not mine.
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You are obviously a very caring, compassionate and loving daughter. I so understand your sadness, and you said it correctly, she is NOT the same person you’ve known and loved all your life. She is however, still your mom whom you love and want the very best for. Unfortunately, life for you mom will only become more difficult over time, and you are being realistic to understand your own limitations. Moving your mom into a facility that can better meet her needs IS an act of love on your part. What my sister and I told my mom when we moved her to assisted living, was that we wanted to be her daughters, and leave the caretaking to professional care givers that we would monitor. We found a wonderful place. We took our mom to visit a couple of places we had picked out, and fortunately the decision was unanimous. It’s wonderful that you have such a loving and supportive husband, as we do. They give us a safe and soft place to land in our sorrow. I wish you peace in coming to this decision, and in finding a great match for your mom.
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((( dlachica )))
The woulda/shoulda/couldas really take their toll but they will hound you no matter which way you go with this so please take that out of the decision. It isn't about what you think you "should" be able to do or even what you can do, its about what is the right thing to do. It takes years of experience and/or training to cope with dementia unless you have endless energy, a lot of good help, and dead on instincts.
If you have a good facility within a reasonable distance and the cost isn't a factor, this move will allow you to be her daughter again instead of her caregiver. Your "job" won't be over, as her daughter you still will be making decisions and keeping a watchful eye on it all.
Keeping her home with you as her primary caregiver is like reinventing the wheel. Each day bring a new challenge and you have to struggle to learn how to deal with it. Within a week you will never need that skill again and will be struggling to learn something else. The staff at the facility should have the background to react appropriately to the mood swings and other issues.
Your family's concerns about this affecting your health are not overblown. A little soul searching is due. Often its love, but as often it is stubbornness or pride that keeps us on the job...a job we are poorly equipped and trained to do. Other times it is finances. A good place is expensive but the cost of doing it yourself can be extremely high.
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I don't know why you feel so guilty. It is in the best interest of your mother and you marriage to place her in a facility. It is no longer safe for her to remain in your home.

This is how I handled the situation with my own father, who had dementia.

One day, I pointed out to my father that his health was declining, that he was no longer able to take care of himself, do his medications, etc., and that he would be safer in a facility. I informed him that we were going to "check out" a few facilities "for future reference when the time came." So, we made it a day trip and paid a visit, and I paid for a nice lunch together.

So, after the visits, in a casual conversation, I asked him which place he liked best of the three - because I wanted him to "feel" that it was his choice. (Not sure how much he actually remembered about each place.) He said it was the first one. (In truth, it was actually the best facility - and it had different "levels" of care available.) So, I put him on the waiting list.

When a space opened up a few months later, I made arrangements to move him there and my husband helped. It alleviated my stress to know that he was in a good facility where he would be taken care of well.
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My dad is 95. I moved him to memory care about 6 weeks ago. I did not tell him because he would not remember the conversation. I had arranged to go at lunchtime so we could eat together. I am able to visit 2 hours a day. I installed a Blink camera in his room so I can see him on my phone. It is a hard decision to make. I visited 4 facilities close to my house. My dad’s room is close to nurse station.
I bought a wireless bed monitor to put in his bed that will notify for help if he gets up from the bed. If you know a nurse that works at the hospital find out which facility has the least ER admits from a facility. I took my dad to the doctor and had him checked out. All immunizations, ears cleaned out. TB test. Memory test. Got all reports ahead of time. He fell 4 times the first month. He was falling at home too. The last time he broke his arm up at the shoulder. He is just starting to use it again. You will have MAJOR GUILT. I cried. I prayed. But now he is safe and clean and I can visit every day if I want. Get to know the staff and each shift. After moving her check if she can get on hospice. She will have her own CNA for care. Think on this. If you hurt your back or get sick, who will take care of her. We don’t like it because no one will care for our loved ones like we would. But this is as close as it can get. Let someone else do the hard work so you can enjoy your mom. And she can enjoy you.
Work out your own visitation schedule to allow time for yourself. And also time for your husband and family.
It will not be easy. But once she is settled it will be better for all. Pray and trust God.
God loves you both.
God’s blessings to you.
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Krisargent Dec 2020
You are saying the things I need to hear, too. I love this place!
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While Covid has changed everything, there are some basic steps you can take. First, Assisted Living and Memory Care are not a “failure” on your part, simply a recognition that your loved one needs more care than you can provide. Second, consult experts. We had excellent luck with a qualified elder attorney and with a rep from “A Place for Mom.” The elder attorney gave us the legal requirements. A Place for Mom, helped us find her good alternatives (within our budget and with excellent ratings) near us. I also double checked with the Medicare website on the ratings assigned to local facilities. Armed with that information, I toured three facilities myself. Then my husband and I took his mom to lunch at each of the facilities. This gave the facilities a chance to assess her a bit and let us see how the staff interacted with other residents. The facilities we chose had a medical form so, I wrote a letter to her physician, outlining our concerns about her health, giving very specific examples, and sent him the forms.

At each step we told our siblings and loved one what we were doing. We knew our loved one would not remember but we told her just the same. After the tours, she insisted she was not leaving her home. That we simply ignored and didn’t argue.

Finally we arranged the move. Using the need to replace her carpet as an excuse, husband took her out for the day. I packed everything she would need and identified all the furniture that would move with her, the movers did their thing, and when she arrived at the facility, her apartment was furnished and ready for her. Over the next few days we hung pictures and put out all the little things she loved. By the end of the week, she announced she had lived their for a long time and the place was home. In that, we were lucky, as many continue to complain.

The whole process took us about six months, including getting guardianship. Now we visit, in person if possible or by phone, if not, several times a week. We chose a “continuum of care” facility so her needs could always be met and are very satisfied with the results.
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Krisargent Dec 2020
I feel like you are talking to me, too! Thank you.
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First your mom should be in Memory Care not Assisted Living.
If mom has the funds for it Memory Care is a great option unless you want to use her funds to hire caregivers that will help you care for her in your home. This also can be difficult.
Put "guilt" aside and determine what is the best option for the best care.
I was lucky and I was able to keep my Husband at home but I always had in the back of my mind that one day I would have to make that decision. I based it on 1 thing. SAFETY.
If it was not safe for HIM for me to care for him at home, I would have to place him in MC.
If it became unsafe for ME for me to care for him at home I would have to place him in MC.
I also equate safety as not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety as well.
I had an AWESOME Hospice team that helped me. I got the equipment I needed, the supplies I needed and a Nurse that came 1 time a week, more if necessary, a CNA that would come 2 or 3 times a week to help. I got education and support. If this is an option for you it might be one to consider.
Another GREAT benefit of Hospice is that Medicare will cover 1 week of Respite each year. (my Husband was on Hospice for almost 3 years so forget about the "rule" of 6 months or less. As long as there is a documented decline the patient will be recertified for Hospice)
With all that said you have another priority. You and your husband as well as your health. If caring for mom is not allowing you to me the wife, mom, grandma that you want to be then placing her in Memory Care is what you need to do to maintain your health. There should be no guilt.
If mom does not have enough funds begin the process of applying for Medicaid and when you look for a facility look for one that will keep her when Medicaid has to "kick in".
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I, too, am the sole caregiver with 4 sibs who are also out of state. The earlier replies about the decline of care in facilities now during covid are truly scary.
About 6 weeks ago, I felt myself "losing it" and simply unable to go on. It pushed me to call the geographically closest sib and say extremely directly that I needed him. Now. Shockingly he came - although only for 3 days. However, it gave me a feeling of some (minimal as it was) feeling of support and it got the attention of the rest of the sibs. They didn't do anything, but it somehow helped me to know at some level how extrememly difficult this is. I hired an in home agency for about 2 weeks during an especially bad spell but it was very, very expensive.
My reaction is, as far, far away as next summer sounds to us, get help from your family NOW to help you make it through the covid epidemic, and make a plan with your husband to get her into a facility as soon as visitors will be allowed again.
Best wishes.
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Please don't think of it as letting go. You're giving her a safe place to go where she will happy and taken care of. You will be in charge of the happy part - visit her often, decorate her room, surround her with comfort and things that make her happy. Keep close watch on her care. Know the names of the nurses and aides, ask lots of questions, know her routines so you will know when it's not being followed so u can ask why. I'm in Ohio and I've learned that my Mom gets good care because make it my business to see that she does. I have the Director and the head nurse cell phone number and I use it when I need to. My Mom has good nursing care, gets and takes her meds on a routine, has 3 good hot meals a day, has Activities with people her own age. The most important thing is I get to be her DAUGHTER. Not her nurse, her pill police, her aide. I get to spoil her with her favorite treats and see joy in her face when she sees me. Call and talk to the social worker at the place you're looking at. They can give u advice on how to tell her you found her a great place to live.
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Krisargent Dec 2020
Thank you for the insight you bring to me! Having a hard time with this one also. I want to be my father's son, not his etcetera. So it is only natural that I can let go of what I cannot do, in order to be the best me I can be with him.
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You’re in a tough spot and moving a LO into a facility is never easy. My father was in MC ( the nicest here: $7K/mo.) for almost a year and as long as I and other tenants’ family members were allowed in at most any time, really, things were good. The staff was on their A game. I got to stay with Dad 2 additional weeks after the first lockdown, then wasn’t allowed in anymore. Dad on hospice, but not EOL actively dying. I watched the quality of care fall off dramatically during those first two weeks when others couldn’t enter. The tenants requiring feeding were left at tables or in their rooms and pretty much forgotten about. People crying or calling for help were ignored, and it broke my heart. I spoke up while I was still there. After I could no longer go in and would call and get canned answers with little or no details, and as I watched my dad begin to give up to the loneliness and
isolation, we pulled him out. If you can afford 24/7 help in your home or an apt. I highly encourage you to do so. My dad has a reason to get up again and I can see him anytime I want. We set the standards, plan his meals, activities and provide real companionship. Even in your mother’s state she knows if she’s loved and cared for. You can’t pay someone to care and if you can’t get in to check on her it’s awful. Hate to be so negative, but it’s what we experienced. My dad is 90 with AZ and is wheelchair bound.
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ny mom is 92 with Dementia. I have begun to notice that they don’t feel the depth of feelings we do.
like “ why is my child doing this to me ?
Doesn’t she get it?
it’s us that has those complex feelings.
Its all so tedious and painful .
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My experience with assisted living has been very negative especial in NY. My wife got the virus in a very upscale assisted living facility on in Long Island which now advertises on radio . It was not their fault it was the governor which I blame when he sent in positve patients with covid 19 from hospitals into nursing home in effect exposing the poor seniors like my wife over 6'000 patients died, the most upsetting thing he had javiate center, navy medical ship but did not use them and they had no PPE and very little staff.
Please don't do what I did keep her in you home your let her leave only until these nursing home can prove they are keeping their facilities in compliance with the federal guide lines. Which wright now is very questionable.
dealing with her facilities before she got the virus was almost impossible and to this day it has not really changed that much for the better.
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If she will not remember, I cannot see the reason to needlessly upset her now. When the arrangements are made, explain it to her. I am so sorry and I so understand. You have given your Mom more time at home than so many have, and she may adjust better than you think after a bit of time. You have a right to your own lives. I understand how hard this is, but you are not abandoning her. After a time of adjustment you will be visiting her and giving her care that way. We lose those we love while their recognizable bodies remain. They are lost even to themselves. It is a dreadful thing to have to see.
I would wait if I were you, until she can have vaccination, and those she will be with are vaccinated. We are within 6 months of that now, likely, and you will not then suffer needless guilt were she to get covid. I suggest that only if you feel you can make it that far. So sorry you are all having to go through this.
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It's a heartbreaking place to be in I'm sure, but you at this point have to do what is best for you and your mom. And if that is placing her in a Memory Care facility, then so be it. There you know she will receive 24/7 care and she will be safe. And you will get your life back, and be able to go and do as you like(after Covid anyway). Because your mom was your best friend, you have to know that she would never want to put you in the position of doing the hands on care that her mental decline requires. So after you find the right MC for her, sit her down and explain to her where she will be going and why. She may not remember 5 minutes later, but it will make you feel better that you were upfront and honest with your mom. Wishing you the very best.
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I suggest you go visit places first on your own and talk to the people who run those facilities about the best way to approach this with your mother. They're very helpful and have been through it a thousand times. There are ways to put it in a good light, plus it frees you up to just love on her rather than stress out about her day-to-day care.

If you're in Southern California, I highly recommend ActivCare for memory care. My mother had to move to a nursing home after my dad died, because I simply could not care for her at the level she needed. (Neither could my dad, but that's a whole other story.) I first put her in a place where my dad had been on the board, but it was skilled nursing and not really what she needed. She was declining rapidly, but not in their eyes because she didn't really have skilled nursing needs -- her memory issues were the bigger problem that wasn't being addressed.

I found ActivCare through APlaceforMom.com, and it was a perfect fit. They can handle memory care all the way through end-of-life, and they were so helpful to me when it came time to tell Mom she was moving again.
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Krisargent Dec 2020
Thank you, I needed to hear this, too.
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