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I can imagine what your husband is imagining when he thinks about "putting her in a facility," can't you? "Shades of the prison house begin to close..."

Whereas what you have in mind is a different thing altogether. You have in mind a community that will provide your MIL with the care, daily support and social interaction that she has already shown she needs.

So, the thing to do first is to find your facility, then get your husband to visit it and talk to the people who live in it. If you can get rid of his fears, you might change his point of view.
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This sounds like a recipe for disaster. Ensuring the proper care of your mother-in-law and the survival of your marriage are not mutually exclusive. I’ve been through this and barely survived with a somewhat narcissistic, demanding mother and a father in decline with Alzheimer’s disease. They’re now in assisted living in a lovely facility nearby and I’ve been able to put my house, home, and marriage back together. Establish your boundaries, communicate clearly with your spouse, and don’t waver. AL facilities are painted with a broad brush, which is unfair. My parents are in a lovely place that is full of activity, delicious meals, and a caring staff. It’s only fair to you and your husband to place her somewhere convenient to your home.
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My daughter is an RN and has worked in rehabs/NHs/ALs for over 20 yrs. Nursing in LTC is the most stressful I think. So I see where you just want to come home and crash.

I feel for your husband. His Mom has probably been able to guilt trip him since he was a child. Maybe approaching the problem that he can retire and care for her, in all ways. You will continue to work. You are willing to cook, clean do laundry (whatever you agree to) but you need your time when all is said and done. You also need him. So, you have a date once or twice a week hiring someone to sit with Mom. If she asks why she can't go, tell her you need time alone. Set boundries. Its ur home. If it were hers you would have to do things her way.

I would keep her in her condo as long as you can. Be watchful. Maybe start talking ALs. She will have a studio apt of her own. 3 meals a day and snacks. Activities and outings. New friends. Maybe talk about someone that has entered one.

If she has to move in, make sure you and husband are on the same page. You have been thru this before so no illusions.
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Invisible Dec 2018
I was pleased to find out you can get even a 2BR apartment in assisted living these days. Most opt for 1BR+den if they can afford it. Many people I talked to were relieved not to have so much stuff to take care of. Activities are often trips to grocery, doctors appts, and some things that are more fun in a group that would be hard for an individual to organize.
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He needs to realize at a very deep level that he is married to you, not his mother! She does not sound like a nice Christian to me.
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My husband is hospice nurse of 25+ years and I’m a LTC nurse amongst other roles if 20+ years. He’s been in and out my areas Independent Livings and AL’s and LTC facilities for many years now and we’re very divided on our opinions on them. I see no issues with them and the thought makes him cry. He has valid points about what happens there it’s just that I don’t see his points as something intolerable as he does.
My real question is when is she no longer safe to live alone? What are the signs that you see that make it clear that must have additional help over what we are providing now?
Should she have to live with us again I know I will not have the patience to continue being so kind as I had maintained. Her daughter used to raise her voice and get angry with her all the time. Towards the end of her living with us my DH did the same thing. I never have. I’ve really wanted to but it’s not in my character and it’s made me bitter and resentful. She probably senses how I feel but I’ve never verbalized anything unkind in any way to her.
I hate the person I’ve become when it comes to her. So much so that I literally stopped reading my bible because of my extremely negative feelings about her.
I 100% agree that an IL or Al is the way to go here but he won’t entertain the idea.
He knows exactly how I feel and he did move her back out despite her wishes.
If anyone says the least little thing to her she goes off crying. It infuriates me yet it’s extremely effective in guilting you simultaneously.
I don’t do guilt well! She wants you to feel sorry for her and constantly do for her. You can never do enough for her anyway. She is sickeningly sweet and pitiful acting at the same time.
I rarely visit since she’s moved because this is my break from her until once again she’s in my face everyday.
I really cherish my alone time which she constantly interrupts, despite gently saying things like , I cherish my alone time! Lol
We have looked for a two home attached dwelling but those are difficult to find with our budgets. She doesn’t own much and her income is very low. She literally cannot afford to pay her part and we can’t afford the additional amount to cover her either. I’m not willing to live in an impoverished crime ridden neighborhood to accommodate her needs. Those are the only places we’ve found that we can afford a home like that in that’s large enough to accommodate the 3 of us.
It’s a really bad situation to be in but I read here so many have it worse.
Thank you all for your time and kind words!! Much appreciated!!
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kdcm1011 Dec 2018
all valid reasons why she should not move back in with you. Your quality of life DOES matter. Perhaps seeing a therapist alone & then with him will help you both. I know I would personally feel very betrayed if after all my misgivings by husband moved his mother in with us. In fact, I told him so & let him know he would be on his own because then our 32-yr marriage would be over. Our only fights during our marriage have been about his family.
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As a nurse myself, I understand your husband's concerns regarding LTC's, but ALF's are a totally different type of facility. Perhaps you could suggest that you and DH tour a couple that are closer to you than where MIL lives now. If your husband has never been inside and ALF, I'm sure he will be pleasantly surprised. If I were you, I would take the virtual on-line tours before you actually go to the ALF's so you don't waste your time. Then, when you find one you both agree is an option, take MIL for a tour, letting her know that moving in with you is not an option and playing up the advantages of an ALF (eg: socialization, activities, housekeeping, etc). Then SELL the condo to fund her stay, and so she knows that going back is not an option. Many ALF's accept Medicaid these days, so when her funds are depleted she can remain in the same environment. Good luck to all of you!!
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When they won't accept that there are boundaries and theories lives will NOT be the 1st and only consideration.

I would let her be upset. Here are the boundaries, get used to it MIL because they will be enforced if you don't want to go to a facility.

If she won't talk about it and agree, she will be hell on wheels because she won that very 1st go around. Your marriage will probably not survive if she won't work with you both on how it has to be.

I wouldn't cave on this. Your husband needs to get over his guilt and quite frankly man up. He is a husband 1st and a son 2nd, to expect you to be tormented in your own home is asking to much.
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BlackHole Dec 2018
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There are too many negatives understandably. If a facility is an affordable option I think that should be considered. Is it not worth your sanity and general health and well being? Otherwise she should get some help in her home. She doesn't get to call all the shots. The tears you have shed will start to feel as though they could fill an ocean. Her behavior resembles that of so many who have shared their experiences and ensuing misery. You can work towards a solution and still be part of her life but there has to be some compromise. Hope you find a resolution soon.
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