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TG, welcome back.

You seem to think that you are financially responsible for dad's care.

You are not.

Dad needs to apply for Medicaid (your household income is not what counts--HIS income is what counts).

Dad should have a "Needs Assessment" by the local Area Agency on Aging and ask them how to get dad qualified for assistance.

You are going to need to sit down with dad and say "this isn't working out anymore. You will need to be in other living quarters by Jan 1".

Can you do that?

If I recall, your wife has already had one stroke. Please don't put this off any longer

(((((Hugs))))))
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tgengine Oct 2021
Thanks, working on that.
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Having no money actually means he CAN get in to NH (if a doctor documents medical necessity for 24 hour care). He can't live alone because of falls, but he can do local car trips with his lady friend. You can drop him off at a lodge meeting. Are you really sure he needs 24 hr care? Could his lady friend come and spend a few nights at your house so you can take a trip? Talk to your kids about a specific number of days/dates that you want to get away. They may surprise you if you ask directly with dates in mind. Sometimes as caregiver we expect others to 'see' what we need and the anger builds when they don't. Ask. You may be surprised. If they kids can't step up to help YOU, then I'd leave my wallet zipped tight. All you're doing is aggravating yourself by handing over the money and then being resentful that they couldn't help out.
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You are suffering major caregiver burnout. The most telling part was your own words, "in the last 10 years we have become caregivers for too many and we have not had time for ourselves if we do," Those words also point out what you need:
Others to join your caregiving efforts - ask family, friends, members of your faith community, and/or paid help. You will know you have enough help when these symptoms/situations are addressed:
the cleanliness of your home to your standards,
time alone with your other loved ones.
helpers to entertain or keep him when you entertain or want to go away for a weekend,
uninterrupted time at work.
Better house rules or "boundaries". Everybody that lives in the home should contribute in some way and there should be agreement on how life works in living together. If you are the owner of the home, you get to decide
cleanliness,
finances - who pays what,
amount of time all together,
work (no bother) times,
rest (no bother) times...
Since you do not like therapy sessions, may I suggest reading any of the boundary books be Townsend and Cloud for dealing with problem behaviors. It might be helpful to have another family member or close friend who can be your encourager while you implement changes. Usually, I recommend that anything needed for caretaking should be paid for by the one cared for - their resources until they do not have resources.
Might I also suggest moving your work office to an area of the house that makes work more pleasant.
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tgengine Oct 2021
Thanks, I did move my office when he moved in. From my nice bright spacious first-floor formal living room with a view of the creek and deer running by to the dark basement with a small window for light. It's not terrible, finished basement but not professional. I don't have $100K to add on or $15K a year to move to a rental office.
I've been reading up trying to put my mind in a better place, not easy. Both my wife and I are the youngest and she just buried her last family member on her side so in that regard she is alone.
I to set boundaries and for the most part, he accepts them but still lives to be catered to.
The only thing he does is his laundry. Cleaning, take the trash to the garage, vacuum or dust does not happen, even if it was just his rooms, yes I said rooms, bed, living and bath. yup, not a bad gig he has.
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What a horrible situation and what a fool you were to ever allow him into your home. I would be furious beyond belief and probably by now would have done something terrible to stop this harmful situation. No human being ever should allow themselves or their lives to be destroyed by what someone does to them - it is just not right and I don't care why they do what they do - no abuse should ever be tolerated, especially when you are helping the other person - never. What I would do first as a starting point for right now is to sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel and what he is doing is not going to be tolerated or accepted any longer. Set definite boundaries as to what he is/is not allowed to do, that he must be fully responsible to clean up after himself, everything - it has to sink in. And stand by your ground and stop looking after him and doing it all for him. Second, talk with an eldercare attorney for advice given the fact there is no money. I think he needs to go into a senior apartment and they are there at low cost or placed into a facility - medicaid specialists can help you. I don't know all the answers but for now you must take control of him and his behavior and don't hold back with your new rules. And as to going on vacations, etc., you must think of YOU first and figure out a way to make it happen. Don't let him destroy you further. Take time for yourself while you can and seek help to get him out of your home. HE CANNOT STAY THERE....DON'T GIVE UP UNTIL YOU FIND A SOLUTION. I probably would have "killed" him by now - I could never live like this and you don't have to either. Good luck.
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jemfleming Oct 2021
“No abuse should ever be tolerated” ???
Don’t you think it is a little abusive to tell the poster that he is a “fool” for the caretaking he has done and that you would consider “killing” the person receiving the care?
Yes. The poster needs to make some sensible changes to stop the burnout spiral he is in but sheesh, he is not a “fool”!
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You really do not mention any health problem dad has other than a fall risk.
You moved him in because he was lonely after your mom died.
Start by contacting your local agency on aging and find out if he would qualify for any services.
If there is an Adult Day Care try getting him to go. If you have to make that a condition of him staying, or you will begin to look for Assisted Living for him or a Senior Apartment. Oh...if he does not move out the free ride should end. If there are 3 of you living in the house she should be paying 1/3 of ALL household expenses. Mortgage, utilities, food...and he should be paying you for transporting him to doctor appointments and any other transportation directly related to him.

If dad is a Veteran check with the local Veterans Assistance Commission and see if there are any services he would qualify for through the VA. Depending on where and when he served he might be eligible for a little help or a LOT.
Trust me on this...
Plan you vacations with your wife. Go on that trip you planned. You never know what might happen to her or you and you don't want to be sitting by a hospital bed holding her hand saying..."I wish we had done...."
Shouldacouldawoulda is a great name for a race horse it should not be what you say to each other when you have regrets.
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tgengine Oct 2021
Fall risk, diabetes, other issues. Mobility is slow unsteady with a cane. I have had to clean him up multiple times due to blowouts, had his knees replaced, and dealt with 3 surgeries in 8 years with hospital and rehab runs. Manage his meds every week, dr visits, manage his medical and everything else. Be sure he eats properly, otherwise, it's ice cream chips, cookies, and fried everything. Has trigeminal neuralgia that is managed with seizure meds and pain management.
I can't leave as the house is a disaster after a couple of days and that is when he falls. I took driving away from him.
He's not at the point he needs an NH it is just getting on my nerves. Mostly it is how things are said vs what is said or how it is delivered. he has this everyone will take care of me attitude. I think it was the way he was brought up, his mom died when he was young and the large extended family help to look after him. mom did a lot of everything for him (I take after my mom). Don't get me wrong we had a good upbringing financially wise, nice house, cars didn't want for much of anything. We weren't rich but it didn't matter. He did work hard I get that and he instilled that in me. But now it's the time I want to travel like he and mom did (although they couldn't afford it but did anyway another story). Again, just venting.....
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What you're feeling is resentment. You have a right to feel that way because of what your life has become because of your father. Sounds like your wife is not much involved. Did you ask him to live with you without her consent? Working in a cold basement is depressing in itself. I feel the same way sometimes because I take care of everything, too. I just want to open the front door and take off running and never come back! But, I made a commitment to care for my mother. I asked her to live with me, but that doesn't mean it's all butterflies and fairy tales. Lol! If your father is out of money, he will be able to qualify for Medicaid. You should move him into assisted living. Medicaid will pay for it. It would be a perfect fit for all of you. Sounds like your father is a playboy. He would love the attention. I bet your meanness and bitterness would disappear... I feel your pain!
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Riley2166 Oct 2021
I am not l00% certain - may depend on the state one lives in - but I have always heard Medicaid will pay for a nursing home but not assisted living. Check it out so you know what you are up against.
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tgengine Many of us can relate to burnout, and the guilt that comes along with feeling the way you do.

Funkygrandma59 said,  "So get the ball rolling today for him to apply for Medicaid, and start looking for the appropriate facility for him. You will be so glad you did, and can get back to just being his son and advocate, instead of his caregiver." I agree wholeheartedly.

Sounds like he does not need a nursing home, but could really benefit from the company of other people in assisted living, and there are various levels of care offered in some facilities.

Check into the Medicaid thing. One thing I have learned is: If my mom ever goes to the hospital for ANY reason, she will not come home with us. If you refuse to bring them home, the state has to take over care for them. My aunt was in assisted living for years in Oregon. For many years it was an assisted living group home, then later a NH. In the group home, they plan activities and everything is planned around the clients living there. It would give your dad a captive audience for his stories. Win/win for all of you.

In the meantime, maybe get him one of those screens (Echo Show) that he could use for himself to watch the people on the security cameras. It might be good entertainment.

I wish you the best. This is SO hard to deal with.
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You need to change your intolerable situation as soon as possible. You deserve to have a life, and you need to care for youself so that you can oversee your family's and father's care. Some good advice below about applying for Medicaid, etc. Get connected with a social worker in your area who can explain all of his options. Make sure that all of his paperwork is in order. He'll need to set up power of attorneys for medical and financial matters, a living will with his medical directives, a will if there are assets. Most financial institutions also have their own POA forms (banks, credit cards, etc.) You need to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on his behalf. Have a discussion with your father about taking over his financial affairs. Sometimes it's easier just to do this yourself, you can set up automatic payments, online accounts, etc. If he is experiencing early signs of dementia, it may not be possible to ask him not to bother you while you're working. He may not rememer requests or instructions. Make a plan B for moving him to assisted living if he gets to the point where he becomes a danger to himself or others (like in the kitchen, if he leaves the stove on, or if he wanders and could get lost). He'll need a safe environment and 24/7 care at that point.
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You are feeling mean and petty because you are tolerating (barely) an unpleasant and unfair situation. Your Dad sounds fairly able, self-centered, and happily oblivious of his effect on your lives. It is your job to change that. If you didn't like counseling, and as a former therapist I suggest that people shop around until they find someone with whom they click, consider a support group. Believe me, some of them will have been through similar situations and have suggestions. Your Dad should definitely step up financially, but I think inconsideration is what is driving you bats. It is only fair to be honest with someone who is important in your life and bugging the heck out of you. You can't cherish a miserable situation. He knows you are annoyed but either doesn't care or doesn't know what exactly he can change. Spell it out for him. Do look into government help of some sort or him. You may not be able to continue to care for him for a variety of reasons. Having gone nuts with frustration may be one of them.
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I completely understand your frustration and you need to do something ASAP to help yourself. What about an adult Daycare center during the daytime so he can socialize? You say there's no money for NH? Then he should qualify for Medicaid and that would allow him to move to a NH where they will take all but 50.00 of his SS check per month but it covers everything he needs. (Room, food, laundry, toilet paper, etc) Good Luck! I feel for you & will pray God helps you with this issue
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Tell your dad you need him to contribute to the food and utility bills. I would think he'd understand that. My 90 year old dad moved in with us 2 months ago. We've made sacrifices to move here. He appreciates it and is happy to pay for his food and maybe the heat bill some if needed. I can relate to the "center of attention storries" repeatedly. Sometimes I just tell him "I've heard this 50 times Dad" not unkindly but sometimes enough is enough. Thankfully he makes himself scarce when we have company but if he does join us he's polite. Who knows what he'll be like as his memory gets more sketchy. Set some boundries. No ones likes to be taken advantage of. Resentment will continue to build. Is there a senior citizen org there? They might provide some good brain stimulation, exercise, and socialization with his peers and give you a much needed break.

Your siblings absolutely need to step up. Make some noise. Maybe he can go to each of them for a month at a time, spaced out so you get a couple long breaks every year.
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tgengine Oct 2021
Noise to a sibling? Funny, I have begged for help, nothing. Now the oldest has cancer. The second is helping him with that because I said no way. Burnt that bridge a long time ago with him. The middle pays his cell phone that is it. Sends him some gift cards at Christmas and birthday that I am not supposed to know about. The rest of the family like his sisters and his friends send him gift cards during the holiday, somehow he must play the pauper because the kindness doesn't get returned to them. He is a nice guy no doubt but I have turned into this person I don't like. He gets enough to cover his health insurance and life insurance. Somehow he spends like he has a job when he goes out with this friends. he is active per sea in his church and lodge. They pick him up and take him home (after they go out for lunch or dinner). I get it he needs to get out but dam he goes out more than me!
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tgengine,

You certainly are entitled to live your own life. I am not sure how old your dad is but he is not likely to change. It sounds to me he is pretty mobile and goes out and about when he wants to.

If you cannot afford help or caregivers at home to give you more peace, check into applying for Medicaid. If he is eligible then maybe assisted living or a nursing home is the solution.

Also HUD housing in a senior community is a good option.

Contact the Aging Well Center in your city or Elder Source to see what benefits he is eligible for. The effort will be well worth it.

Is dad military? VA has supportive benefits called Aid & Attendance for caregiver use.

The best of luck.
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When my husband became ill, I was advised to put him in a nursing home. When I said I did not have the funds, I was advised that I could apply for medicaid for him, which would pay most of the cost of his care. I consulted an attorney who specializes in elder care. He told me he could work with me and make it happen. I did not go through with it because I decided to bring my husband home on hospice, but I know the option is always there.

You need to take control of your life! It does not seem your father needs a nursing home, but medicaid also pays for assisted living. Check into this. Or contact an agency who will walk you through how to find assistance for him. As it is going now, you may go before he does! Take care of you.
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First, give yourself a break. You had no way of knowing how it would turn out when you took your father in. Having gone through (and still) a similar situation, don't hold your breath waiting for a "thank you." I have never understood why relatives ignore basic courtesy and appreciation. It fosters resentment that grows over time, destroying the relationship.
Start with determining total of his assets, Social Security, bank accounts or other retirement income. If less than $2,000 he could qualify for Medicaid. Contact your sibling and arrange a meeting either in person or via zoom to discuss their expected involvement in the care of your father. Fully explain your situation, asking what they can offer. There are assisted living facilities that have apartments. Do you have any church sponsored facilities in your area that provide some supervision? It sounds as though your father is active when he chooses, going to lodge, seeing lady friend. Would she have a room she would be willing to rent to him? Would he qualify for a Veteran's housing center? Your father can fall at the lodge or anywhere. Don't restrict your possibilities on his physical or visual impairments. Contact your local Council on Aging for guidance. You've given a large portion of your life (and your wife's!) to provide his care. Your father may feel insecure outside of your environment with his excessive involvement in your life. Its not going to be easy. If you don't take action, it will sacrifice the future you intended for you and your wife. Your father will eventually pass, but the resentment will overshadow any pleasant memories. God bless.
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There are some missing pieces here. How old is your Dad and what are his medical needs? From your description, your Dad is ambulatory and doesn't seem to have mental decline - why is he living with you? You say he is a fall risk, yet he goes out with his lady friend, to church, to lodge meetings, and up and down stairs. I sense a co-dependency here. From the picture you present, it seems your Dad needs company and dreads being alone. That could be why he "falls" when he's alone or wants to be in the spotlight (even if it's disruptive) when you have company.
You and your wife have been perpetual caregivers and it's time you both retire from that. First, get your Dad's financials in order with a good elder care attorney, who can set him up for Medicaid in-home or NH care if needed in the future. Next, it's time your siblings get involved, even if it's just for one week or a long weekend or two each year. Have a chat with them and let it be known you and your wife need a break. Make your vacation plans. Drive Dad to the airport and have sibling pick him up. Period. This is not impossible unless your fear of loss of control make it so.
Your father seems "with it" enough to have a serious conversation that he can understand. Make it clear that you and wife need some alone time now. Have his girlfriend come over and go out and have fun with your wife, while she stays with him. You can also hire someone to be there with him for errands, doctors appointments, church.
What I am saying is that there are things you can do to make life better. Believe me, I realize how frustrating and life sucking care taking is - but don't do more than you need to because the more you take on, the faster that becomes the norm. Take steps to reclaim your life or it will pass you by. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your family.
Just think hard about what I am saying before you resist or say it can't be done. You are not a bad son because you resent the time your Dad takes away from you. but you have done too much more than your share. As your Dad ages, he will require more attention and much more care so set yourself up with supports NOW. I really and truly wish you comfort and resolution.
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Countrymouse Oct 2021
For missing pieces, see many years of earlier posts. TG actually joined AgingCare just *before* his father moved in, seeking suggestions for how to adapt smoothly to caregiving and shared living.
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I wonder if there is an option for "couples therapy" with you and your Dad? That would not relieve the work and sacrifice that you are doing but maybe a 3rd party professional could aid in reducing the relationship stress and thereby improve everyone's quality of life. Best wishes, we are all in this together.
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You're not petty. You're worn out. Ten years of being other peoples caregivers it enough. In fact, it's too much.
Move your father out. If he's at the point where he cannot be left alone, then an independent senior community is not possible for him unless there will be a live-in caregiver/companion. He will have to go into an assisted living facility or a nursing home.
Your sibling will be doing absolutely nothing to help and never will. Welcome to the club. This how it is in most families even when there's multiple siblings. Only one becomes mom and dad's old age care plan while the others get off free and clear and never have to take a bit of the responsibility.
Please find a different living situation for your father. For the sake of you and your spouse, and for him as well.
Your life has value. The things you want to do and the places you want to visit are important. Don't spend anymore of your life stuck in the miserable drudgery of caregiving for elderly people because it will ruin your life. It's one thing to do it for work like I have and that's hard enough, but having your home turned into an assisted living or nursing home for years at a time is intolerable.
Take back your life and relocate your father into an appropriate care facility and if people don't like it or have something to say, they can take him to live with them. Good luck.
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He has friends and hoea out? You have friends and go out? You're lucky!
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You're not being petty. You're lucky to have siblings. They really need to step up and help to give you a break. It sounds like you're getting burned out. If you're siblings aren't willing to step up, have you considered hiring someone for respite care to give you time for a break?
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It's good to rant.

You're certainly not being petty. What's going on is likely to embitter even the sweetest-tempered and most relaxed soul. But TG if I do have one home truth to suggest it's that you don't *listen.*

How much have these years cost you? Cherish my foot! - you will never get the time back and your father does not have exclusive rights to it. If Dad can't pay for residential care he is entitled to financial support with it. FIND OUT.
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You say you have siblings. Why aren't they coming to take care of Dad so your wife and you can vacation?
We gave my hubby's 2 brothers our vacation we have scheduled so far for next year. We have her 45 weeks and they need to split the 6 weeks so we can catch a break. One sibling is retired so there's no reason for him to not.
Don't let them make you a patsy. Have them chip in something -time or the money to get a caretaker.
You need some TLC as well.
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It doesn’t matter if you, or anyone else, think you are being petty. The point is you say you are now bitter and mean and that is significant. It is not good for your father, nor your wife and children, aside from what it means to you.

Start with your wife and discuss what you said here and see if she can think of ways to start to change the way you are all living. Then bring your father into it. It is his life, too, and being given the silent treatment, and being around seething resentment, isn’t good for him even if you think he is unaware.
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You are experiencing what many caregivers on this forum have and that is burnout. It's quite normal(sadly)when the one(s) doing the caregiving aren't doing enough to care for themselves. So no, you are not being petty, you are being honest.
And what that is telling you is that it is now time for a change. Your father needs to be placed in an assisted living facility, where he will be around other folks his own age, and you and your wife can get your lives back, and start enjoying whatever time you both have left, before it's too late. Life is short and you don't want to get to the end of it with any regrets of what you wished you would have, could have or should have done.
Your father will have to apply for Medicaid to pay for his care, as you and your wife are not responsible in any way to pay for it. You will need your own money for your own care when the time comes, so get that thought of having to pay for his care out of your head now.
You and your wife are at the point now where you not only have to do what is best for your father, but also what is best for you both, and I think you already know what exactly that means. So get the ball rolling today for him to apply for Medicaid, and start looking for the appropriate facility for him. You will be so glad you did, and can get back to just being his son and advocate, instead of his caregiver.
I wish you all the very best.
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tgengine Oct 2021
Thanks, been through medicare with my BIL, I understand what is needed there. He is not ready for a NH yet. I am pretty sure he will never talk to me again or the family for that fact if I did that. When it is time I will for sure.
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