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I feel the same way I take care of my mom and step father she is 94 and he is 91 my mom lost her legs 10years ago and they have lived with me since .And he also has Copd. I do it all this group has help just by reading your stories makes me feel like I'm not alone .
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Hello FullCircle,

I was just reading an article and I will never say to you
"just be glad to have your mother still on this earth" That feels very cruel to tell you and I am sorry that was said. You are reaching out to us for help. I saw a great article, and am rarely a person that responds but would like to:
The Atlantic.com Business Section THE CRISIS FACING AMERICA'S WORKING DAUGHTERS: Women with aging parents are unseen and widely ignored. They can read all day and all night about the many stresses of working motherhood including pregnancy discrimination, the wage gap, the mommy wars, leaning in, and opting out, but there is very little out there to assist between their careers and the needs of their aging parents. 44 million unpaid eldercare/full time working men and women (over 90% are women) Women lose an average of $324,004 in compensation due to caregiving.

What I want to tell you is this. I am a professional caregiver, once volunteered to be my mothers unpaid Alzheimer's Caregiver, quit my Banking Position of 25 years to do the selfless act, and do my best to care for and learn about Alzheimer's Disease, through to the end, when my mother quietly faded in February 20, 2014.

At the end of 10 years, I was very burned out, and did only wish at that time, I had stopped to take some phone numbers down to help myself. I don't know with a full time job and children, really how you can give 100% to anything. The person you need to focus on is you. You have given your all to your mother, your children, what about you? I can only imagine how you feel! We never know fully what one is going through. Remember, you are only one person. OUR CARGIVING FOR FAMILIES, AND OTHERS IS AT A CRISIS LEVEL BECAUSE THERE WILL ONLY BE MORE PEOPLE THAT NEED ASSISTANCE AROUND. This includes Caregivers to people that they reach out to as well as loving family members.

Woman are the main caregivers to people. Yes, men I have the utmost respect for all of you out there, but this is for her.
Give yourself permission to relax. Allow yourself to not go one or two times a week. Say mom, I need to do this, I will be there xyz date and time. If she is in assisted living, I realize the positives and negatives, but you need to take time for you. Where do you live? Meaning what city and state?
Long-term day in and out stress of any kind, including caregiver stress can lead to light to severe health problems. For me, I almost died, and that was my wake up call in October of 2014, month's after her death. I am not trying to scare you, but when I started this loving venture, I was healthy as a horse. Now, after I have taken 5 years, to focus on being mindful, self focused, and that does not mean selfish, I am selfless, I have chosen with great success to do this again, and with the tools I learned, as a professional, it is going very well. Every day is different. YOU ARE LOVED!

Find Caregiving resources in your community to help you.
Senior Center's have a list of volunteers that can do the shopping.
Ask for and accept help - Make a list of ways others can help you. Let helpers choose what they would like to do. Someone might sit with her, or run an errand, and another might do the groceries.
Join a support group for caregivers. - pick up caregiving tips, and get support from others who face the same challenges as you do.

For more information about caregiver stress, call the OWH Helpline at 1-800-994-9662 or contact the following organizations:
Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS), HHS
Phone Number: 800-633-4227
Eldercare Locator, Administration on Aging, HHS
Phone Number: 800-677-1116
National Institute on Aging (NIA), NIH, HHS
Phone Number: 800-222-2225
Family Caregiver Alliance(link is external)

God Bless, and let me know how you are doing and what State you live in.
I have alot of resources to assist.
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Daughter33 May 2019
thank you so very much for posting all the help numbers. I never knew there were so many women who are going thru what I am. Thanks to ALL the people who are posting their stress, burnout, help, and journey in taking care of elderly parents. Reading these post since I joined last week has given me permission to have feelings of guilt and selfishness. I know I'm ok and need to take care of myself in order to take care of my family. I dont have to carry the guilt baggage around any more. I still love my mom as much as ever. Stress doesn't mean I don't love her, but I also need help. Im reading a lot that many of the elderly, with or without dementia, seem to be very manipulating and angry. I guess when you have a deteriorating body and a mind that remembers being healthy and 40, it is very frustrating. I have a good mind and fairly healthy body, but no life. Im looking for that BALANCE of caring for her and my family. Thanx to all of you again.
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I totally get what you are saying. And friends who say that don’t understand quality of life of your mom or of your's. They just don’t get it! So brush off those comments.
if your mom's COPD is that severe your doctor should order hospice for her. And perhaps it’s time to consider a long term care as opposed to AL. That way she may not need hospital quite so frequently.
I'm sure others have said it, but with her in a facility, you don’t need to visit so often. I cut my visits to my dad down so I could keep my sanity and I’m retired without kids!! You work and have kids too. So you need to reorder priorities. You can’t enjoy your mom if you are feeling resentful. And you feel resentful because you are on overload. Cut back to once a week and fit it in on your timetable. And make the visits short if need be. But remember, she is getting care and has eyes on her.
And by the way, you are a GOOD daughter so lose the judgement. Your brother could visit at least once a month. His drive isn’t that far away. And can he do some of the financial aspect of care?
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Lostinva May 2019
The word “resentful” just flew off the page & hit me straight on! I realized this is what I feel the most! The guilt that family put me through with my decision, I’ve gotten over. Now mom is laying on the guilt & I resent her!!!
Repeats “you just can’t wait to get rid of me”!! And, I never thought my 2 kids would abandon me!! Oh stop it Mom, no one is abandoning!! My mom is miserable, she can be with others her age & partake in activities daily when she moves out of my home. To “punish” me she spends all day in her room, comes out to eat & doesn’t speak. When I speak to her & ask her to answer me she says “no I’m not & I don’t intend to”!! Oh my goodness, I’m tired of it!!!
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I am in a similar situation. If your mom has resources to pay, use them and put yourself first. Burnout is real. Talk to an elder lawyer if you haven’t about the finances and a geriatric care manager to manage. It is well worth it.
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Can't your children help out too? Otherwise nursing home if assisted living can't fulfill her needs.
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FullCircle May 2019
Lol- younger two are 9 and 13 years old so they help out by doing some chores at home to help ME. Oldest is 23 and a nurse who lives 3 hours away so again, not really able.

no family in the area so aside from my brother - it’s just me.
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Put her Somewhere she can Get Good Care...It will Wear You Out......God Bless you.
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You need to make some time for you and your family. You are giving a lot of time to your mother in an assisted living facility, probably far more that you actually need to. Because you make so many visits you may possibly be stopping her from getting to know other people because she doesn't need to, one never knows. If you added up the people in your life, SO, Children, Mother and divided the 7 days of the week between them how many days would each get? Its not really fair to give mother far more than your children you have responsibilities toward them as the parent, not the other way. Get her to make list of things she wants you to do when you see her, but cut the visits down to twice a week and have the carers in the ALF get her doing some social activities.
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My father died 16 years ago in a freak accident and while I was completely devastated I thank god all the time for taking him the way HE wanted to go - active and busy till the second he left this earth. I hate that he has missed so much of my life but he lived every day he had to the fullest.

interestingly enough, my mother is following the path she wants to go down - slow and steady Decline. This is just so much harder.
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Others have said it. Can you cut the 4-5 times a week to 1-2? Or 2-3? That would be several hours per week you'd get back when you can do self-care things. Your mom is safe and being well cared for. Unless I missed something in your post, she shouldn't require you to be there almost every day. She might WANT you, but it's not a requirement. Mints and pens are not an emergency.

If you're worried she'll get bored if you're not there so much, see if the facility she's in has activities or volunteers who will visit with her.

Of course you're exhausted. Give yourself a break; you and your family will be healthier for it.
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Fullcircle, my heart breaks for you. You have WAYYY too much on your plate. I did not hear anything that you do for yourself to refocus and give yourself time to emotionally recharge. This is physically, emotionally draining caring for a parent + full time work + kids sporting events = burnout BIG TIME!
Take a day off for YOU. I hope you are doing that. Your Mom seems to be cared for at the facility maybe cut back on some things from weekly to every two weeks. You are an AMAZING Mom, Daughter and employee for juggling all of this, you are a warrior!! God Bless and sending you hugs for some peace and calm in your life since you need that for you :)
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Well Full Circle,

In your growing up, I hope you had a loving mother. One that stayed up with you through all your sickness, trials and tribulations. And how many of you were there for her to raise?

The one thing I know about a loving mother is they would never say "I'm tired of
taking care of this child".

Care for your mother by pouring all the love she gave you back into her.
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FullCircle May 2019
Well I don’t really a mother who has not been exhausted taking care of her children - because parenting IS exhausting and hard and frustrating but also wonderful and joyful and my littles are my greatest joy in life. But pouring endless love into my mom since my dad died 16 years ago when I also have 3 children that depend on me is just hard.

At the end of the day, I am 100% responsible for my children. My mother is financially comfortable and can finance the support she needs - she just prefers me.
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Maybe its time for LTC. All Moms needs will be met. They supply everything, diapers, toothpaste, shampoo, soap. They will do laundry. If Mom is private pay then you will need to continue with her finances. When money is running out, you can switch over to Medicaid. Then make the LTC payee to SS and any pension. At the time Medicaid takes over, you will not be able to pay bills because there will be no money.

While she is in rehab, have her evaluated for LTC. This would be the time to change her over. There comes a time when an AL is not enough.
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FullCircle May 2019
We have a team meeting tomorrow to review her goals to go back to AL. I suspect she will be in rehab for another week or so. She wants to go back to AL and even if we had someone visit and help her for a few hours every day - I think it would be better for her. The rehab is tiny and there is very little interaction and all she does is sit and watch tv all day and leave me messages of thugs she needs. Today it was more pens and life saver mints that she needs urgently.

she has sizable investments so could self pay at the nursing home for a number of years - I’m just not sure that’s the way to go but will defer to what they recommend.
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You work full time and have 3 kids, so that is your priority. You and your life are number one. Let the ALF care for your mother and do what they are getting paid to do. I totally get where you are coming from. Being sad, tired, and feeling like your parent's long slow decline will kill you emotionally and physically might be a warning sign. Step back. If you see your mother needs things, make notes and visit once per week and address all items at that time. If something else pops up, address it at the next week's visit. Your energy and time should be spent on your life and if you have a spouse or significant other, you deserve to nourish that relationship. Caring for an elderly parent can suck the life force out of you, but you can put a boundary around it to preserve your life and sanity.
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Suppose you were to visit her and drop things off once or twice a week, instead of the four to five times? Plus, of course, be available for genuine emergencies, phone consultations, thinking, planning, booking appointments, noting reminders, communicating with everyone, all of the other things that go into being your mother's primary support system...

Would it *really* be evil of you not to run yourself ragged getting over there virtually every day?

While I was caring for my mother at home, my cousin was caring for her mother who had advanced Parkinson's and was (after many years' resistance) in a good nursing home. I never felt that my cousin worked less hard, worried less or did less for her mother than I did. Surely you're entitled to judge what is reasonable and feasible for you?
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guiltridden64 May 2019
You are a rarity. To be able to see your cousin's situation as you did is wonderful. I know your cousin loved you for it. If more people could see it this way and be less judgmental, we would all be a little better off.
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Hi there and thank you for you for sharing. One cannot simply put a person into a skilled bed...they are meant to be temporary for various reasons. Anyway....stop visiting her so much. Your guilt is killing you and putting a great strain on your famly. I would set 2 days a month to go visit. I'm sure the facility has a computer whre skype or face time is permitted...start this say once a week on the same day and time. Other than that you can call her or the staff to find out what's going on. Your brother is an ass. He absolutley could visit but chooses not to. I'm sure you're aware that in most cases, it is only one sibling that takes on the burden of duties related to such a situaion. Also, join a local group in your area if there is one for caregivers or a walking group. Take time for you. She is by no means alone. Those places are suppose to have activities and plans for thier residents. Good luck to you and stop feeling guilty. Meditate or prayer is great for the mind. You eating right, exercsing and geting enough sleep is wihtout question key for your mental health. She is going to pass on one day as all of us are. :etting her live her life out is by no means mean...if she's in a good facility she should be well taken care of.
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All I can tell you is to hang in there. I am dealing with (somewhat) the same issue. My mom was diagnosed with dementia several years ago. I am her primary caregiver and the only girl out of six children with 2 siblings dealing with major health issues themselves. I'm at mom's house 7 days a week at least 6 hours out of each day. One brother comes in once every 7 weeks or so and is not heard from for at least another 7 weeks once he returns home. They (brothers) rarely ask about or even call mom anymore. They talk about all the things they do (ie, the walks they take each day, yoga) without thinking about the fact that I don't have that leisure (neither do they really care).

I retired 1 year ago and I now work much harder than I've ever worked in my life. No one was willing to give up their lives or lifestyle in order to take on this challenge. And I stress, "CHALLENGE."
We have a couple of ladies who comes in a few times per week but when they decide not to work I'm with mom as long as 15 hours. This is a fluid situation and sounds like yours is as well. I

If you don't get respite your anguish (from tiredness) will be placed on something or someone else.

I will say that you must have time away from your situation. There may programs in your area to give you respite, or if you have friends who are willing to step in and give you a break allow them to do so. One thing for sure is you need time away.
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Everyone is right. Why are you visiting so often? My father ends up in rehab 2-3 times a year. I bring him clothing once then I let rehab do what they are there to do. No more visits. At assisted living I visit once every three weeks. His bills are sent directly to my house. They supply most everything so I don’t need to be running weekly errands. What could you mother possibly need that you have to make more than one weekly visit? You don’t need to be doing her laundry they will do that. If you are visiting all the time your mother will not try to meet others as you are her source of entertainment. If she chooses not to that is on her. You can’t be responsible for her happiness only she can.
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Thank you! So wonderful to hear from others who ‘get it’. I was only going to visit once every week or so when she was at the assisted living place because I had to step back and take a break. But she’s been really sick these past few weeks and was in the hospital and then at rehab it was getting the cable set up, bring her clothes and toiletries she needs but kept remembering more things each day, doing her laundry, checking in on her rehab progress, trying to catch the Dr, meeting either the team for a care plan. She’s sad and lonely in this place and I just feel bad. But at the same time resentful because I’m tired and have a million things on my plate.
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Ahmijoy May 2019
This comment is very telling. You feel guilty. Mom is not happy and you’re blaming yourself. This is why you visit so much. . You have a need to be involved in everything. When my mom went into a skilled nursing facility, her cable was set up within a day of her arrival. I did not have to be there. All was accomplished via one phone call. They did her laundry and it was fine. Probably done better than I could have. It was brought to her room and hung in her closet. If yiur mom is not feeling well, she doesn’t need s lot of “things”.

I kept track of my mom via phone and had a care conference about once every three months. I didn’t feel at all out of the loop. She wasn’t happy either, but she needed to be there. I had some feelings of guilt as well, but when I saw how needy she was and I knew I couldn’t possibly take care of her myself,

Try to accept that Mom is where she needs to be. It’s not your fault. You are a good daughter and you want the best for her. She’s in a place where they can do the best for her.
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I agree with you totally about being burned out and not wanting to hear friends and relatives tell you to be glad you still have her with you! They obviously have never been in your shoes and don't know what the heck they are talking about! It's the most challenging job I can think of as I take care of my 93 year old mother 24/7 in a small shared apartment and I feel your pain and resentment. My brother is a real son of a you know what as he has abandoned both me and my mother. He has left me here to watch her slowly pass away and is so selfish of him and as you mentioned your brother, it sounds like you and I are rowing a similar boat! You will find some great advice here on this forum and most caregivers here understand and will help you muster up the strength to find resources and great support and encouragement. I have wanted to just run away and call my brother and tell him to come and get her because I cannot do this another day. (have been doing this for almost 10 years now and have hit rock bottom twice). Please don't allow yourself to get to that point. Do you have the means to hire someone who could do some of those things for you? In my city, Senior Services provides free rides for seniors to medical appointments, companion care, and meals on wheels. I just hired 2 wonderful caregivers from Catholic Charities who will watch over my mother for $8.00 an hour which is extremely inexpensive compared to an agency where you will pay three times as much for both caregiver and a fee to the company. Good luck and I hope you find what you need here.
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TropicalLady May 2019
I am so glad I am not the only one who wanted to just leave her mother with her non-helping brother! My brother - although he has a health background and is retired now and fully capable of helping - will not help me for an hour or take her (or my father who passed five years ago from alzheimer's complications) - for an hour let alone a day or a week - even when I told him I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. So I felt like I lost a brother besides my parents. There should be a law that siblings have to take the parent for at least awhile and then at least they might have a little more sympathy and empathy for what we're dealing with!

On another topic, my just-turned 100 mother will cry and whine constantly and ask me what she should be doing - keeps asking me and when I tell her either nothing or just eating and drinking - gets really angry at me the next minute because I didn't tell her what to do. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

Tonight is my first night on this forum and am thankful I am already getting some great advice like the Catholic Charities helpers - thank you for sharing!
Blessings and luck to all!
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Know the feeling. It’s extremely frustrating and exhausting! Hugs!

I stopped talking to a friend that constantly made that same remark to me, saying how lucky I was! How about them saying how lucky our moms are to have us, right?
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I would consider if she is somewhere that can meet her needs. If so, then there would be no need for so many visits. I might figure out what is reasonable and works into your schedule. You can get automatic draft to pay her bills and have things she needs ordered online and shipped to the facility. That way your time can be focused on pleasant visits with her and not manual work. If I were doing so much to help my LO, I'd be proud and happy about it, not feeling bad.
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First of all, stop letting those people who tell you how “lucky“ you are get to you. Just fix them with a sympathetic look that says how sorry you are that they are so clueless.

Consider skilled nursing for your mother. With her chronic and severe health problems, she is beyond assisted living. She needs supervised medical care. This should cut down on her hospital visits. If she is in skilled nursing, you will not have to do so much for her.

Do you you really need to run there 4-5 times a week to drop things off and visit? Can you just collect these things and drop them off once or twice a week? What needs does she have that you need to shop for weekly? What bills does she have that you have to manage? You can ask her to cut down on the Amazon orders too, or have them sent directly to the facility. If she has a small room, chances are she will not have space for these things. Take a good look at what you need to do for her versus what she expects you to do. There may be things you can let go. Since she is in AL, there shouldn’t be that much you need to do. Rely on what they provide for her rather than what she might expect you to provide.

You can always call a Care Conference and speak with the staff at the AL for their suggestions.
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DILKimba May 2019
Excellent advice!
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