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My Mom is now a long term resident at the nursing home she began rehab at. Her physical therapy didn’t go so well because she was not cooperating so she is now a full time resident. Since she was living alone at 90 years old and I live in another state it was best that she became a resident at the nursing home. She refused to move to where I live and possibly be placed at a full time facility here where I live. Since she was having trouble with her mobility and now because of her being put into a nursing home I found out she has a laundry list of medical issues. She never told me about these medical issues because she didn’t really take good care of herself and relied on faith more then medical attention. Now since she began as a rehab patient but like I said she wasn’t cooperating and kept saying she was going home it has come to medically being absolutely necessary to be a full time resident at the nursing home. Since she became a resident her personality has changed to a certain degree. My Mom has always been as stubborn as they come and trust me from what her facility medical care team tells me that has not changed. By the same token from phone conversations I’ve had with my Mom she is changing as far as her personality. She rarely wants to talk to me on the phone when I call to check on her. Sometimes she’s not even understandable. It’s like talking to a drunk person. Her speech is slightly slurred and she’s quick to get off the phone and brushes me off. When I tell the nurses my concern they tell me it’s probably the cause of a UTI. I can take that excuse but so many times. Obviously because of the COVID situation no visitors are allowed so checking on her in person is impossible. Like I said I live in a different state from my Mom but I would have a family friend or designate someone to go check up on my Mom. Any advise for me? Thank you.

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"She loved me the way she could."

You are doing what your mom allows you to do. You can do no more than that.

(((((hugs)))))) to you and know that you will get through this.
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anonymous999770 Jul 2020
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Some days I’m fine and can deal with the situation. Other days I feel so helpless and it drains me.
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Rosie, big (((((((hugs))))))).

My MIL was something like your mom; refused to follow what doctor's told her, marched to her own drummer and denied any and all diagnoses. Refused help from all of us.

One night she had terrible pain and called youngest son who called 911; she was having complications from an aortic aneurysm. Had surgery; had a stroke, refused rehab and starved herself to death. She was determined to be competent by the psychiatrist who examined her, so there was no "forcing" care on her.

Folks like this get poor care. I think the best you can do, as you certainly love your mom, is to make sure that Hospice gets involved if she will allow that.

I so feel your pain.
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anonymous999770 Jul 2020
Thank you very much Barb. I sincerely appreciate your comments. To be frank, things are the same as they always were. My Mom does what she wants when she wants. Even being a resident in the nursing home she pretty much calls the shots and the staff have to redirect her focus to get her to do things. Her physical therapist literally said to me that when my Mom wants she has a great therapy session. The days she doesn’t feel like cooperating the physical therapist can’t do anything. Thank God for these amazing people. I couldn’t do it. I have patience by the boat load but in a situation like this I’d definitely loose it. I’ve lost patience with my Mom many a time during the years and have literally had to walk away. Right now I feel like things are the same except the obvious fact that Mom is in a nursing home and needs 24/7 supervision because of her medical situation. So as before I call to check in on her. If she answers the phone it’s a miracle. The conversation is pretty much the same. I’m too tired I don’t feel like talking. Call me later. *dial tone* When ever I call the nursing home to speak to the assisted nurse I get a knot in the pit of my stomach because I fear what I’m going to be told. I fear that I’m going to be told of my Mom’s behavior and what she did today. During one FaceTime call my Mom seem to be agitated and she went on and on about how was it possible that “those people” (the staff) if they had a Mom why they would treat her so badly. It was complaint and after complaint. Then when the nurse spoke to me, mind you with my Mom still aware it was FaceTime and right there with her present, the nurse was apologetic to me for my own Mom’s behavior. I wanted to crawl under a rock. As the FaceTime call went on and my Mom calmed down the next thing she is saying is “you have to bless these people because they are so wonderful.” What set my Mom off was that she was put in the day room to get her out of her bed to socialize. She didn’t want that so she went off the deep end. It seems all she has the urge to do is be in bed in her room and left alone. Childish behavior is what my Mom’s closest friend called it. I’m at a loss and I become so anxious at times that I need to find my calm. My Mom’s closet friend who is a home healthcare nurse told me not to take it personally because they go through stages like this. Rebellious because they don’t want to be there and want to be left alone to do what they want. I just hurts my very core unfortunately. My husband and I have paid for all my Mom’s funeral arrangements because nobody else will and my Mom has nothing. She chose to live the way she did and all she had was her possessions which were in her apartment. I had her apartment emptied because I was paying for her utilities, phone and a few other things. The rent she paid but now being a resident her SS goes to the facility. My story is an ugly story with my Mom but I always hoped for some bit of change. She loved me the way she could. I think I become so worried when I speak to my Mom because she sometimes isn’t understandable and she just wants to get me off the phone so I feel like she’s being abused at the facility. Then I speak to several of my Mom’s who are home healthcare nurses and who have been and worked at that facility and they all have good thing to say about it. I don’t know maybe I’m just overthinking everything.
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Rosie, I went back and read your other posts about how stubborn your mom is. Insisting on living alone even as her health failed. Not disclosing any health information to you. Not being forthcoming during conversations. Not cooperating during rehab.

This is a life-long pattern, yes?

Maybe this is beyond stubbornness. Maybe this is a personality disorder or some other form of mental illness that makes her so rigid and unable to form a meaningful relationship with you, her loving daughter.

Have you spoken to the psychiatrist who did the evaluation? What kinds of meds is she on?
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anonymous999770 Jul 2020
My Mom has always been a “it’s my way or the highway” personality. Even when I became an adult it was always a when she wanted and the way she wanted thing. She was dependent on me for certain things but she would also make it known it was because she needed it not because she allowed the help. It was an odd relationship but I lived in Florida and she lived in NJ so it was ok because I was living my own life. When I first bought my house I bought a home with an extra bedroom hoping she’d move in with me and my family and wouldn’t need to worry about being alone as she was getting older in years. She refused. She said she despised the heat in Florida. Mind you she had 2 grandkids (my kids) who adored her and she had a great reason to move. She never did so as she got older and older and began having more medical issues she kept it all from me. She felt she would be fine and she could take care of herself. It was her response to everything. Like it was some sort of taboo to speak of certain things. So I began trying to get her to have a home healthcare worker come out and help her from time to time. When I’d visit every year I’d see her home wasn’t up kept like it used to be. I’d see she was living less of a productive life then she did before. She was always impeccably dressed and never went out without make up and looked good. Little by little I’d see less activity, less caring for her apartment and less of the person she was. Any bit of help I offered even from letting me get her a home healthcare worker come out to clean up, or cook, or do laundry or just come by and keep her company she said “No” with a capital N. I began thinking it was a sense of pride or a feeling of entitlement to a certain degree. Truth be told I love my Mom and all I wanted was to know is that she was ok and taken care of. Her way of being is she can take care of herself. The last time she fell in her apartment I had called her and she didn’t answer so I knew something was wrong. I sent her neighbor to check on her. That’s when the whole fiasco began. She argued with the neighbor not to call an ambulance. She told the neighbor to just help her up and she’s be fine. The neighbor was actually a home healthcare worker and called an ambulance. The paramedics had to call the police because my Mom didn’t want to be taken to the hospital. So from the hospital my Mom had to go to a rehab facility which was also a nursing home. Because she wasn’t cooperating with the physical therapist it was determined that she needed to be a LTC. Now she’s a resident and things are getting worse in her behavior. The days she cooperating she has a great day. She does the physical therapy and it wonderful. The days she’s not cooperating it’s leave me alone. I try calling regularly to check on her and the times she does answer she’s too busy to talk to me. Or she’s too tired. Or she’s not understandable at all. Slurred speech. I’m on a roller coaster here trying to find out over the phone any bit of information because of the COVID situation. I’ve done several FaceTime with my Mom and it’s just more confusing to me because of her hot and cold behavior. I’m honestly in a loop of uncertainty from every avenue.
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I read two different issues into this. The worrying one is why your mother sounds ‘drunk’, and everything Barb says is good advice. Finding someone you trust who can visit her is also a good strategy, if you can fix it.

The general lack of interest in you is not enjoyable, but I do know that many people in nursing homes develop personal relationships with staff - they see so much more of them that they become their new ‘family’. Your mother wasn’t lovey-dovey when she didn’t want to move closer to you earlier, so you have a long time of her not wanting to be close.

We have posters who are going around the bend because their parents are too dependent and won’t accept help from anyone else, but some go more in the other direction. It’s all very hard to understand!
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anonymous999770 Jul 2020
Everything I’m being told I’m hearing and understanding. I appreciate it. Things were kind of distant with the relationship because I live in Florida and my Mom lives in NJ. Still we chat on the phone to say hello and check on the other even if it was pleasantries. My Mom’s husband passed away 8 years ago from heart failure. He didn’t tell anyone he had a heart condition because he felt he didn’t want to burden anyone with it. He would have been treated medically and probably still be alive but he didn’t. He passed away on the couch in his sleep. My Mom found him dead thinking he was just napping. My older brother passed of cancer 3 years ago. He battled cancer for 6 years. In my eyes, if you see your loved ones dying from medical issues you would take care of yourself and let your loved ones know so they’re a support system. My Mom lived with blinders on and relied more on faith to get through what ever she never told me. I gave up being bitter and angry at her. I’m at peace and can look in the mirror knowing I was a good daughter because I genuinely love her. She doesn’t make it easy but I love her.
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When was the last time you had a Care conference with mom's team?

You want to ask for an official Care Meeting to happen in the next 10 days.

Before the meeting tell them that you want to be faxed or emailed a list of ALL of mom's meds, including those that are "PRN" listed along with dosages, who prescribed them and when.

You want a list of the medical findings since she has been there.

Atnthe meeting, you want to ask the DON (director of nursing) why your mother sounds the way she does when you call.

You want to ask who is overseeing her medical care and how to best get in touch with that person.
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anonymous999770 Jul 2020
Thank you for your advise. I’ve expressed my concerns with the social worker, the head nurse and her physical therapists. They all tell me it’s her adjusting to being a resident at the nursing home, adjustments of her medications and a few other excuses. I have done several FaceTime calls with my Mom and she was relatively coherent but the minute she became agitated she was not herself. I’ve been told of the medications she’s being given and the reasons for them. I’m finding it difficult to trust anyone completely unfortunately. There have been some nurses I’ve spoken to who have been so very kind and gone above and beyond to explain and be transparent in what my Mom may be experiencing given her medications, her by nature temperament (my Mom can be rude and nasty when things don’t go her way or the way she wants them to go). Then on one occasion when I called my Mom and she happened to answer the phone she told me she went out and was too tired to talk to me and hung up. Truth be told, I feel like she never wants to talk to me and brushes me off every time I call and she does answer her phone. I’m at a loss. The nurses tell me that my Mom sometimes tells them tall tales and when I hear of them I know they’re not true. I had an official psychiatric evaluation requested because of this and the only findings was that she suffers from anxiety. She has full power of making decisions as well because I tried getting a POA but she was found fully competent.
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