Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
You say the house is way too big but, “that’s not the issue I am fighting today.” What are the other issues you are fighting? If mother expects you to do the yard work, what else is she expecting you to do? If you have MS and she has plenty of money, you shouldn’t be taking responsibility for cleaning, cooking, laundry – actually for much caregiving at all.

This sounds like a classic case of you ‘enabling’ mother to believe that she is independent, when she isn’t. The right answer might be to put it all together, and then tell mother that you have also stopped being the ‘chore monkey’. Some time when she tries to prove how independent she is, and fails, might be the quickest way to solve a lot of current and future problems. It’s better than waiting until it would be genuinely unsafe.

Check it out with your brother – it helps a lot to present a united front. At least it’s something to think about that doesn’t involve lawyers or a fight with bureaucracy!
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Using the POA might work fine. We never got a Dx and there's really nothing in ours that says we need medical documentation to activate it. It all depends on how it was written up.

If that handyman assistance is $100/month, she'd be getting a good deal! You probably know that. So, perhaps as someone else suggested, get some quotes from landscaping companies who do this kind of work. Once you have 2 or 3 of these, show her how much it *REALLY* costs to get this done (don't show the handyman, he might up his cost!) Once she sees it is more of a bargain, maybe, but don't hold your breath yet!

Next is to say exactly what you did here:
You're not a spring chicken.
You're not in the best of health.
You're not the right size to tackle these chores.
Your brother is 7 hours away, has his own obligations AND is NOT her chore monkey (love that expression too!)

At that point, you give her 3 options:
*She hires someone else to do this work.
*She pays the handyman.
*She lives with it all not done.

IF you find the POA allows you to pay him (perhaps best to run it by the atty who wrote it up), you could try having the handyman do the work and pay him, at least once. Perhaps if she sees he does a good job she will relent.

As for this:
"If I tell her I am paying, presumably with my own money, she will get angry and then end up paying him herself and resent me for it."

If she pays up and resents you for it, so what? The work gets done. She pays for it. YOU don't have to do it! Sounds like a winning combination to me! So she gripes moans and complains - she's probably doing that already, so go for it!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Let it go. She will eventually get a notice of violation from the City or County. Usually a first notice will not come with a fine but if it is ignored she my have to appear in court where she will be fined.
I understand, I dislike paying to have things done but that is part of homeownership. I pay to have the grass mowed but I still shovel snow...with each snow, I begin to rethink that idea though!
Tell her she has 2 options.
Pay to have done what need to be done.
Move to Independent or Assisted Living or other community where yard work is covered by HOA fees.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Beatty May 2021
Another great answer!

Pay to stay (keeping home maintained) or Pay to move (downsize, IL or AL).
(2)
Report
I'm with gdaughter; I'd let your mother know that the more things she refuses to deal with in this big house & yard, the sooner she'll be forced to sell it and move into senior living of some type ie: Assisted Living or Memory Care. Her choice. THEN she'll be spending a REAL fortune every single month for her care and maintenance instead of a comparative pittance for the maintenance of her home.

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Does moms city / county do blight fines on property?
if it’s not obvious on city / co website, if you’re on Next Door you can post a question on it and you’ll get more answers than you’ll need.
If so, I’d make a print out of that factoid with the fine amount (& interest) highlighted.
Then contact 3 lawn maintenance companies to do an estimate of annual care.
Then be clear & firm with mom that she has 3 choices:
yard goes back to nature & she gets fined;
sign an annual maintenance contract ;
or handyman will add on chores as needed by your request & paid for out of moms banking.

Btw absolutely love your term “Chore Monkey”
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Beatty May 2021
Love the choices you gave -
ignore, pay (lump sum) or pay (as required).

So simple yet genius!

I love 'Chore Monkey' too 😅
(1)
Report
Well, one option is to let it be neglected, go to hell, and let her city cite her so she is motivated. Because around here if the city intervenes, you WILL be billed. You might want to check and see if her city offers any services for seniors such as this. Sometimes you have to apply for once or twice a year yard clean ups. Your mom would push my buttons! I'd be telling her the elves don't work for nothing! I'd tell it HAS to be done and SHE is going to pay for it one way or another. HEck, you could probably report it at some point yourself and the city will send a notice....We also sometimes have some juvenile offenders who are supervised to do diversionary work (as opposed to jail/harsher sentence....maybe that exists. Good luck....
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

If this is because of just the backyard, I hate to think of what will happen when the roof starts leaking or the pipes get clogged! I'm sure you and your brother are not up for those jobs, or for cleaning the gutters. Does she have all the safety devices in her home to help her? Bars, higher toilet etc? Does she have stairs? How will she react to updating her house for safety? Even a handyman cannot do major work. It gets expensive. It might make the difference between her ability to stay vs move. To heck with the lawn, this is about her safety. Just a thought.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I wouldn’t do her yard work, nor should your brother. You have your own health to consider, not to mention how time consuming it is. Your brother lives very far and has a busy life.

Of course, you care about her but you aren’t responsible for these issues. She has money to pay for them, better still, she could downsize as you suggested.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Having POA means nothing if she hasn't willingly turned over her affairs to you or she hasn't been deemed incompetent.

She doesn't need to see a geriatrician to be diagnosed with dementia. You could tell her she needs a physical and have her regular doctor test her. Give his office the heads up in advance as to your concerns and ask that she be tested.

The other option is to pay for the help yourself, keep records, and pay yourself back when it's time to inherit or when you take over her finances. It'd probably be a good idea to bounce this off your brother so he knows what you have in mind before you start writing checks to yourself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
disgustedtoo May 2021
Paying up front and then expecting it back later could backfire spectacularly.

I didn't take payment for all the managing, running around, the 2.75 years of clearing, cleaning and organizing repairs on mom's condo. Six years and counting now that I've been the one shouldering it all. When we split up the trust, I had asked the company to do X amount each and put the remainder into the checking account associated with it. They didn't. They split it all. Thankfully I was wise enough to move 10k before mom's second stroke. I also couldn't stop the distribution for January 2021, which I had just increased due to MC cost increase. So, there were funds that could be used to pay the cap gains and tax preparation. I had hoped to get brothers to agree to let me have the remainder, but the taxes were a killer on the trust this year. Each tax return has whittled this away and we will have to do one more for the trust (distr happened in March this year, so there will be one more return to do.) There's also a similar amount in an estate account (would have avoided that but for the MC deposit refund, and 2 of the stimulus payments.) That's still pending as I'm waiting for the tax refund which is most of that first stimulus they reduced because they used an old tax return.

Anyway, my point is that we don't know what the future holds. Should mom need facility care or a lot of in home care, that could wipe out any "inheritance." There's also no guarantee the courts would approve back payment for things you covered. I'm not holding my breath. If I get some agreed to by bros and/or the court, great, but it likely won't be nearly enough to cover those 6 years and counting! Even if there's 9k left, that comes to less than $5/day for all that I've done. Whoopee.
(4)
Report
See 2 more replies
Please don’t sacrifice your own health trying to keep up her yard, or on any other household or caregiving job you’re not up for. Tell her it’s not happening by you or your sibling and then let her figure it out. She’ll either become willing to pay or it’ll become clear that she can’t handle a house and yard any longer
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Unfortunately at this point there really is not much you can do, but let her yard go. If she has not been officially diagnosed with any kind of mental decline, depending on how your POA paperwork is worded, you may not be able to act on her behalf until she is diagnosed. That's how the majority of POA's work. So if she wants her yard to look a hot mess, well that's on her. With your health concerns, I wouldn't be doing any more than you absolutely feel you can physically handle, as it's certainly not worth risking your health over.
Perhaps in time, she will see how bad her yard looks and decide to take action. But until then, it's her house and her yard, so she can do or not do whatever she darn well pleases. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself in the meantime. Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter