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Hi Scarlett, do *not* allow MIL to move in with you -- even with the best intentions and in a separate addition. DH and I had a similar idea. MIL had been divorced almost 20 years, living alone, suffering lots of health issues and surviving on a small SS income with no assets. One day DH announced MIL was about to become homeless after her lease ended, and the only option was for her to move in with us. I wasn’t involved in MIL’s affairs, and suddenly MIL was in CRISIS mode. Apparently I agreed to her moving in while DS was 2 months old, and we even packed up our house and MIL’s house, then and moved to a larger house complete with an “in-law” basement apartment. Having MIL apply for public housing and other benefits (food stamps, etc.) was beneath her and apparently also DH, and MIL even refused to discuss this. Besides, she convinced us  that she had 1 year left to live and wanted to live out her final months in peace (there was a grain of truth here, but twisted by MIL into narc guilt which I didn’t see at the time).  In the beginning I got along well enough with MIL, but it took a year to figure out that she had no interest in helping with anything, and she also isn’t interested in her 2 young grandkids (this is the saddest part). Fast forward 6 years later, and MIL is finally packing up to move out, only after I told DH that MIL needs to go or I will leave.  DH reluctantly told MIL she needs to go (a big deal for DH after decades of narc abuse), and I anxiously waited for MIL’s narcissistic rage to hit the “fan”. DH didn’t speak to me for 2 months and has started to emerge again. I’ll gladly be labeled as an evil scapegoat if it gives me a shot at saving my marriage and creates more happiness around our kids. You see, this entire situation has deeply affected the kids, too. 

So even if MIL moves into your house and you don’t see her most of the time or not even at all, a NOXIOUS KARMIC CLOUD will hang over your entire house. I’m not trying to sound unkind or extreme here, but there is a certain indescribable feeling when a ‘persona non grata’ lives in your house and there is no escape from the toxic cloud they ooze (maybe this is what imprisoned torture victims feel?). You already think it’s a terrible idea *now*, before MIL has actually moved in. I can’t emphasize enough how much more stressful your life will be after MIL moves in, not to mention a broken marriage later on while you try to figure out the best way to untangle your beautiful blended family so you can escape the awful situation. Everyone will lose, not just you, DH and children, but also MIL. Please put your foot down ASAP and do not let this happen!! It’s not worth DH finding out the hard way that you were right. In the meantime, you/DH need to set boundaries with MIL so she understands (whether she pretends to or not) that she is welcome to visit on special occasions or whatever timeline you want, and you/DH can help her find an assisted living place though your local senior housing authority. If she owns her house, you/DH can help her sell it so she can pay for a nice place. Other posts might have advice on how to apply for Medicaid once she has spent down any assets she may have.

Bottom line is that DH is not responsible for MIL’s happiness and comfort, and MIL’s outlook on her situation will not change whether she (1) moves in with you (NOT happening), (2) moves into the nice retirement community with cottages (probably won’t happen), or (3) grows up and looks at other options that will work (fingers crossed for this one).
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
Totally agree with you, Teak Magnolia. I've known many elders who wouldn't never dream of applying for things like food stamps and heating assistance because it was "beneath" them. Some in my own family.
My response is enjoy living hungry and cold then. Or get a tin cup and panhandle. People find the strength to swallow their pride when no one jumps to their rescue.
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I don’t see any mention of dementia. From my experience, your MIL may be in the early stages. My mother changed from a social butterfly to refusing to leave the house and declining visitors, all while complaining daily about loneliness. She latched onto me and my family, constantly in our house, constantly complaining that we didn’t pay her enough attention. (angry that the kids would leave for school, etc) Then she added attention seeking behaviours. Lost items, broken things that weren’t, etc. She’d always been difficult so it was impossible for me to determine when she crossed into dementia territory, but these behaviours I describe took place within the past 10 years and she is now straddling late mid-stage to advanced. Incidentally, she now “recalls” how we held her hostage when she wanted to go to church, social events, etc., which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Now, about a few of the posts I’ve read, and I’m not even through them all...

karenchaya, you owe a LOT of people an apology - NOW. ‘Selfish, even, and not empathetic.’? Lucky you, to have never had to deal with a LO’s extreme attention seeking behaviours.. However, your lack of experience doesn’t negate the experiences of others.

And mapont2, the dynamic between a parent and young child is not the same as that between an adult child and and parent. If her MIL is indeed in the early stages of dementia, boundaries is not a concept to be learned by a broken brain. Nor is it likely to be accepted by an elder who still views herself as the ruling matriarch.

If some of you want to give up your relationships with your partner, children and friends, and give up your careers, hobbies and leisure, do it. But you’re not entitled to tell others to do the same.

Explain please, what makes her MIL’s wants and needs so much more valuable than her own?

People post here, seeking the experiences of others, not their judgement.
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Octogenarian Apr 2022
Anabanana,
Are you a doctor? Daughter of a pediatric psychiatrist and psychologist??
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Protect your sanctuary! No matter what - protect your sanctuary!

As caretaking becomes more intensive, he (and the rest of y'all) will need your home as a place to retreat and decompress from the constant unrelenting challenges of caring for her. I believe this is so even in the best of circumstances, but I KNOW it is so in less than optimal. My mother moved from her own home in a town an hour away to our town to an Assisted Living facility. I didn't realize it at move time, but her idea was that we could then spend all our time together. Never mind I have a job, regular other commitments and grown kids (and we are building our own house). When she discovered that she still didn't see me "all the time", she felt like I betrayed her - and I understand why she feels that way, but it simply never occurred to me that she would have such an expectation. I tried incorporating her into my extra activities, but she hated them all and wanted me to spend that time with her INSTEAD. Well - I enjoy things like my Tuesday evening ladies' dinners. And I enjoy hibernating at home sometimes. I can tell you that when I drive through the gate onto our property, I literally FEEL the stress fall away both physically and mentally for me after a long day of dealing with all my other stuff then doing whatever she needed me to do that day. And it's not just that my mom is difficult to deal with (because she is), but that it is frustrating and wearisome and disheartening to see the effects of old age setting in on her and causing her to have to deal with her impending mortality and you just need to be able to step away to catch a breath and get a little perspective. Dealing with end-of-life issues alongside your parent is much easier when you have that kind of time.

When we first began discussing moving her to our town, we briefly flirted with the idea of building her her own little cabin on our property. It would have been so convenient to not have to drive to see/help her. And we really want to have a small guest house on the property eventually and she had the money to make it happen. From the outside looking in, there just didn't seem to be a reason not to do it. My husband was like you - adamantly opposed to the idea. He said "are you going to feel like you have to stop and check on your mom every time you pass her house to get to ours, or when you leave our house?", "are you going to answer sweetly every time she sees you pass and calls you to see where you are going?", "are you going to feel obliged to include her whenever we have company?", "how will you feel when she comes down here uninvited?". "You love all our windows that look out over the land. How will you feel knowing she can see into them?", "do you really want to include her in dinner planning at every meal?", "on Saturdays when you want to sleep in a little, do you want her to knock on the door to get your help?" By the time he finished painting a very accurate picture of what our life with her as a neighbor would be, he didn't have to convince me that building her a house on our property was a bad idea - I KNEW it!

Consider also that your kids need to know and love their grandmother, but they don't need her to be an extra parent or adult telling them what to do. It can be hard enough for two parents to stand in agreement without another adult participating in the raising and that tends to be what happens when grandparents move in (or on the same property).

Protect your sanctuary!
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RudeAwake Apr 2022
Everyone, ANYONE, who considers moving their elderly family member next door or on their property MUST read what you have written on that! It seems like a good idea on paper, but what you have said is EXACTLY how it actually ends up playing out! Thank you so much for this!
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Stand your ground. You are still newlyweds and need your time alone to develop your personal relationship.

I'm sure you can find living arrangement for MIL that will not require you to pay a small fortune and yet be a place she can call home.

My DH called me selfish, a brat, unkind, all the lovely names to try to get me to move his mom in with us. I finally had to get downright mean and tell him he could have mommy move in with him, I would leave. And I would have. Having her live with us would have fallen 100% on me.

As time has passed and she has become more and more impossible to deal with, he has understood my staunch approach to keeping her in her home and he provides what little care she'll allow.

He has a sister who does EVERYTHING for MIL and I told him that his mom is happy with that, and living with us would be hell on earth.

He does agree, but still thinks I am not very nice for not 'wanting' his mom here.

If he can afford $100K to add on to your home, he can afford to help out with an ALF, if mom's funds don't cover one.
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DeckApe Apr 2022
The $100k to build an addition is an investment. It has the potential to increase property sale value, may be borrowed back with home equity loan or line of credit, may help with taxes with MIL as a dependent, permits the MIL’s income to “blend” with their income… you get the idea.

Putting MIL in an ALF or SNH is just like putting that $100k into a barrel and setting it on fire. (Not that I’d ever question the motivations of all the self-righteous mom-belongs-at-home-with-us crowd…)

Cheers!!
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Don't be emotional when you talk with your husband...be factual. Tell him you need to have a heart to heart with him and his undivided attention. That way there is no mistaking what this is about. Explain that you would never expect him to make life changes so that you could move one of your parents into your home, and you expect the same curtesy and consideration from him. Tell him if he values your marriage he will hear you on this. Your marriage is too new to take this on.

Tell him that the best thing he can do for his mom is find her a great assisted living facility where she can socialize with others her age and have round the clock assistance should she need it. Adding on to your home doesn't give her that interaction with other folks in her same stage of life. She needs that. Your husband can visit her as often as he likes, bring her to your home for holiday meals, etc. Tell him that you are proud of him that he loves his mom and wants to take care of her, but there are other ways to do it besides moving her into your home.
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You have my sympathies. We moved my mom in with us for financial reasons…23 years ago. We bought a condo, with separate bedroom/bath/living room for mom, sharing the laundry/kitchen facilities. As she ages, life has become difficult. She is 98 now, still walks on her own, and just in the last few months has started to display signs of dementia. She became scared, refuses to sleep in her room, sleeps in a recliner. I sleep on a couch next to her. If she wakes and can’t see me she panics. My poor husband sleeps in our bedroom. He would love to retire(72), but knows he & mom would clash too much, which of course adds pressure to me.

I do not want to paint a completely negative picture. We all love each other and get along pretty well. But you have to consider you will seldom get alone time. Even going to the grocery can be an ordeal. My time is consumed with mom. She is actually jealous of my relationship with my husband & our kids. She often brags about how well she raised my children…she didn’t. Then I have to console her convincing her she isn’t a burden. I guess what I’m trying to say in this lengthy post is all might start off well, but the situation will deteriorate. After 53 years of marriage we are having issues handling this new chapter in our life. If this was a young marriage, blending family, I’m not sure we could have stood up under the pressure. My best wishes & prayers are with you!
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
Helpformom,

You should not have to live like you do and certainly your husband should not have to still work at his age because retirement would mean having to be home with your mother.
Break her out of the habit of going to sleep with you right next to her on the couch. That is ridiculous. Medicate her at night if necessary. She's developed a "shadowing" habit and you have to break that habit.
Whenever I would start a new caregiving position an elderly person so many times their adult child or spouse would say they can't leave them alone for a second otherwise they completely freak out. The spouses or adult children cannot even leave the room without the elder with them. What I always did with the family members or spouses is explain to them what "shadowing" is and how that habit can never be allowed to establish. If it has then the elder must be broken out of it.
Shadowing is when an elderly person almost always with some kind of dementia has to have their spouse or family member with them at all times.
I'd tell the 'shadowed' family member that when I come to work my hours, they leave. They're always against it at first but it's the only way to break the shadowing habit. Do not allow them to go to bed anywhere other than their room, and do not sleep in their room with them.
It's like with a baby. Sometimes you have to let the baby squawk a little bit in his crib. If mother goes running in every time he makes a sound, he will never be able to be alone. Same with a shadowing elder.
I know you love your mother and want what's best for her. Breaking her out of the shadowing habit is what's best for her.
Leaving her with hired caregivers for a few hours at a time is what's best for her. Giving her anti-anxiety medication and making her sleep by herself is what's best for her and for you.
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How on earth is it possible that your "no - I don't want that" doesn't stop the MIL moving in scenario? Do you not have an equal voice as to what happens in your house?

No does not mean abandoning MIL to an ice floe and giving it a shove. It removes one option of the available options for MIL next level of care. Research those, with MIL input.

Good luck.
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After reading all of these very emotionally charged answers, I decided to keep my advice practical. Keep on looking for alternate living places but in order to keep MIL (fall risk) in her own house - at least for the short term - you must go through it and make safety changes and updates. Install wifi cameras so you can monitor her from your cell phone at any time. Install safety rails in the bathrooms, brighter led lights in the lamps and motion lights in low outlets throughout the home. Remove scatter rugs, threshold saddles and all clutter since they are all tripping hazards. If she meets the requirements, sign her up for SNAP, the free meal delivery. Check with a local Senior Center for other free services she may be entitled to, which sometimes includes Social Worker visits.
Have your husband make sure his Mom has all legal, health and financial documents in order and if she doesn't - waste no time in getting to a good elder care and estate attorney to set her up while she's mentally competent. This is a MUST. A good lawyer will also advise on the steps needed to be eligible and apply for Medicaid to help with in-home or nursing home care. Currently there is a 5 year look-back so be prepared now.
Keep searching for alternate living solutions that are safe and appealing to everyone. Does MIL have money for private, local care? Consider shopping around for someone who would be a good fit for her. While she will most likely resist at first, having the company of another person who cares for her can be invaluable physically, mentally and emotionally. If she simply cannot afford it, the 100K hubby wants to invest can be used for part-time care for his Mom instead, to help with doctor appts, cleaning, laundry, meals, companionship, and peace of mind for all of you.
Keep in mind that your husband loves his mother & despite her annoyances it's a natural instinct to want to care for her. That said, he surely is unaware of how consuming this will eventually be in the long term. It would be hard even with the best of personalities and intentions. However, both of you need to be open to compromise and alternate solutions and to be more understanding of your MIL's physical and emotional needs and put personal bias aside.
Please look at your MIL with new eyes. Try to be sympathetic to this woman whose life has changed drastically since her husband passed. It's not easy for everyone to "connect" outside her home and no doubt, she is very, very lonely and feeling isolated. Perhaps you can help her with this.
Encourage calls/visits with your children, include her regularly in some family activities and create a dialogue and atmosphere where she feels loved and valued. I wish you the best.
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First, you have to admire your husband for not abandoning his mother.

Second, your husband admits he can’t handle being around her long term. He should move in with his mom for a month and experience 24/7 living. If he says it’s not the same because she’ll have the addition, counter with “true, but this only a 1 month test and you propose the rest of her life with us… even though her health and attitudes will only worsen.”

Third, additions take time to build and MIL needs a safe environment now so, God bless your husband, his emotions are overruling his logic. She needs assisted living NOW. You might look for a local facility that offers weekly or monthly stays.

My SIL’s husband had the same mentality as yours. MIL did not keep to her space and was demanding to where SIL and her husband avoided being home. In less than 6 months, everyone was miserable, everyone agreed assisted care was better and MIL is happy in assisted living.

If your MIL mobility issues don’t improve, does husband expect you to help her toilet, get in and out of shower, etc? Or will he?? Either way, logic suggests there won’t be a separation of space; the addition will be more square footage for you to clean as you care for MIL in her space. Or are you affluent enough to afford $100,000 addition and $40-50,000 per year for a caregiver?

Please advise your husband, caregiving is a slippery slope and even the best circumstances include How do we limit exposure to viruses? How do we leave for the weekend? How independent is mom when she can’t manage the can opener or a jar and gave up driving (our roads are a nightmare) so we’re her driver (just call Uber is a joke or $$$ luxury) and she needs help managing the house? AND this doesn’t include any personal care. What happens if you get sick or injured? Who schleps MIL to hair salon or dr appointment?

Even if you and your MiL all get along, including political ideology these days, and your MIL is independent, you’ll find little quirks of aging crop up.

Finally, your husband believes that isolating his mom with the tv for company is a viable solution and it’s not. He and you will become her only source of human contact, so buckle up….
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Anabanana Apr 2022
Yes! I was going to suggest the same, because they live in close proximity, a month together might give him a clearer picture.

As I mentioned in my earlier rant, self-isolation and constant complaining were the red flags as my mother developed dementia. She’d visit me daily and rage about things that happened 50+ years ago, with people long dead. I have the luxury of being a stay-at-home mother so I was there for her. I’d actually leave kitchen chores so I’d wash dishes or mix dough as she talked. I’d book her appts during school hours. She became my full time job. Which, in the past few years, became 24/7. (she is now in care)

Not all elderly mothers knit, watch tv, bake cookies with the grandkids, coo and dish out smooches.
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Hi Scarlett,
First thing that jumped out at me is that husband gets frustrated dealing with his mom which makes home life difficult. Yet he’s planning to move her on to your property? At least now you and he have the buffer of distance.

Having been through it all (an elderly, difficult depressed Mom living on same property, then living in her own place, then in a IL apartment, and now AL), the best thing you can do for MIL is get her somewhere where she is safe and will have the help she needs. This will allow husband to be a son again, not her caregiver. It’s unlikely that MIL would be content living on your property and her presence will overshadow your lives. As my wise husband likes to say, “A house can only have one Queen.” And in my case, my mother wasn’t able to abide by that b/c in her eyes the position of mom trumps child.

Keeping in mind the intrinsic value of distance, you might consider helping with the cottage community entrance fee/deposit. Those fees are typically paid up front as a deposit and if she leaves the community before 8-10 years are up, you get a pro-rated amount back. Yes, the $100k could be spent on an addition to your home, but the cost to your marriage would be incalculable.

One last thing, the journey with my now 91 y/o mom is in its 18th year and will probably last several more. It’s been expensive to say the least, requiring all of her assets and some of mine too, but where she is now, her depression and anxiety is being treated, and she is actually content and at peace. First time in my lifetime to see her in that state, and it’s priceless.

Best wishes for a peaceful resolution.
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I totally agree with you! Even if your MIL were an "angel," I'd agree with you. You and your husband are still newlyweds and cohabitating with any third person is a recipe for disaster. DON'T DO IT!
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If your husband needs convincing, get him to read similar threads on this group. From my own experience I would say Don't do it!! It will take over your life and your relationship. My mum moved in with me over 5 years ago and it has ruined my health, physically and mentally and I have given up my life for her. I had to give up work and my relationship ended. I would advise anybody not to take in a relative as once they are in your home your life will never be your own again. In Home care is a much better option and if she protests then stand your ground. Older people can be very selfish but you need to be firm. Good Luck.
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I hope you can work out in-home or live-in care in her own home for your MIL. Regardless of whether or not her behavior or personality "justify" your not wanting her in your home, if you are not willingly taking on the job of care taking, do not move her in. A "separate" addition to your home will not insulate you from more and more care-taking responsibility as your MIL's needs increase.
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Lawyer up.
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Since your husband seems motivated by some sort of guilt, why not ask him what you two will do with the new, costly addition after MIL is gone? Must you go deeply into debt for it, and can you even afford it? Sometimes, if reason doesn't work in such situations, it can help to play along and see if there are very real obstacles to achieving the supposed "improvements" suggested. (Also, if you are a Christian couple, you may want to find the passage in the Bible that says a man shall leave his mother and father and cling only to his (wife.) That may re-set his priorities.
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"Always complaining and always about her."

So, in other words, you're not willing to learn how to deal, treat, encourage, or set boundaries with his mom? If you are a parent, then you know that kids complain constantly and it's always about them. Didn't you learn how to set boundaries with them and teach them that the world is not going to expect them to constantly complain and that it won't always be about them?

This is how you treat, teach and encourage your husband's mom to live with you. Now, you and your husband have become sort of her parents.

My brother and me placed our mom into an expensive nursing home. We believed that because it was an expensive nursing home, she would be safe. The experience for our mom was horrible. She lost a lot of weight and she developed a skin infection. These are clear signs of negligence. She now lives with me, and at days it does become difficult, but I will NEVER do that to my mother again. Now I have nurse that comes into my home several days a week to help with her meals, bath time and helps her to exercise.

With regards to your MIL, this is his mom, and when you said for 'better or for worse' that includes learning and gaining ways to help him as well. Now, if it becomes medically necessary, then you get her into a medical facility that might treat a special situation. THERE ARE other alternatives as well. Look for a medical insurance that covers home health. This way, you have have a nurse that comes in several times a week to help with your MIL. It is far less expensive than a nursing home. She is HIS mom. Let me type this again, she is HIS mom.

Or, are you constantly complaining and making it about you?
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Myownlife Apr 2022
Horrible answer. You are supposed to be supportive on this forum.
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Why don't you hire caregivers or live in help for her ?
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Why not take that $100,00 that an addition would cost and move her into the retirement community. Subsidizing her living expenses might solve all your problems because she would then be in an environment where she could not only socialize but have easy access to balance classes and health care.
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With a blended family, you have many responsibilties. You may not have the skills or bandwidth to also take on care of an aging MIL. Even if she wanted to stay in her own apartment, as she ages her health may decline and she may need more care. You have to plan for this possibility. I'd say look into a nice assisted living facility near your home, so you can visit often to oversee her care and also take her out for lunch or shopping, doctor visits, etc.. She'll be with people her own age and have skilled staff assisting her.
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To the original poster: The BEST THING you can do for your mother in law is to get out of the marriage.
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mapont2 Apr 2022
Yep.
Because it sounds like that MIL doesn't have the family support she will need as her health declines and her needs will not be address nor cared for by this spouse!
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Before I was recently widowed I had an entirely different outlook on life, I grew up in a household where granny lived with us. It was mostly a very positive thing. I had my husbands parents living in a little granny flat in our house and because it was seperate I also found it a mostly positive experience. Eventually they needed more care than we could give and went into a care home which they actually suggested. I am 80 and finding being alone a very frightening experience. I try to go out and join groups but the loneliness overwhelms me. On the other hand I do not want to be a burden to the family yet am physically active and relatively healthly. What I want to say is please be aware of the intense fear and anxiety that comes with the bereavement of your spouse. It is crippling. So while you may not want them to share your home, please discuss it with them in a loving and caring way. Be kind and help them reach the decision that will be best for all of them.
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InFamilyService Apr 2022
Thank you for your perceptive insite about being widowed. I have never considered my mom's difficult personality now as part of fear and loneliness. She lost my dad not quite two years ago. Yes, now she complains even more and creates bogus health issues to get even more attention. My sister and I are as attentive as we can be plus mom has regular private caregivers that she adores. Mom is now 85 but sister and I are well into our 60's with serious issues of our own. Both our spouses have health issues as well. Its a one day at a time life. situation for sure.
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I am 75 years old with numerous deadly health conditions. I know I can die at any moment without warning. However, I take pride in WANTING to be independent. When I have to ask for help, I feel GUILTY for bothering my son.He has mentioned at some point, he would like for me to live with him and his family. Let me be frank . I would RATHER DIE. I don't know if his mom wants to live so close to her daughter in law. I do not get along with my daughter in law. Yes, I would choose to stop taking meds and just die.
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karenchaya Apr 2022
I think it is HORRIBLE that you and your husband think his mom DELIBERATELY breaks thing so she can get attention and help. That is DISGUSTING to even entertain that thought. Selfish, even, and not empathetic.
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I worked and had family members in skilled nursing units. Often the residents have trouble socializing but need social contact, they would constantly sit around the place on the unit where people congregated. They did not stay in their rooms if they had a choice. Place her some where where she can join that group. It is possible you could contract with her to spend her days at a senior center (assuming there is one near you). I doubt she will do it since your husband seems to be an easy mark. Almost certainly, you will be handling most of the interaction. Is there a senior agency in your county or state? They may have suggestions for support in her home or a facility. It is sad for everyone if people build an addition expecting limited aged ones to entertain themselves. They probably can't do it, or they wouldn't need to move in with you.
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I've seen this dynamic so often that I'm convinced that some men and sometimes wives too are more emotionally married to their moms than they are their spouses.
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Then, say what u feel. and stick to it. she will wind up there at some point. believe me, save your self all the heart ache Now!!
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No No No.
My husband still talks about building on and having his mom live with us, we already moved her out of state into a MC facility to be closer. Absolutely NOT! He can talk and dream all he wants but it is not happening while we are married.
I remind him:
who is going to clean her after toileting or accidents?
who is going to help her bathe? Get dressed?
who is going to take her to all of her appointments?
who is going to sit in the ER 3 times a week because she pulls out her catheter?
who is going to make meals for her?( he doesn’t eat properly when Intravel to help take care of my mom)

He has tried multiple times….sometimes he gets it sometimes he doesn’t. What he sees is his mom in a facility. He has even tried reverse psychology on me by suggesting my mom come live with us….NO.

my suggestion is….if she has a home, sell it. Rent a place closer to you. Hire caregivers for 4-6 hrs a day and THEN when hubby is off of work he gets to relieve the caregivers.

under no circumstances do you pitch in. Do not make it easier for him. So if you have to stop now doing anything then do that. Men have no idea(well some men don’t)
good luck!!
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Who will be paying for the addition?
Maybe your husband has his eye on the proceeds of the sale of her house?

If Mil ever needs more care and does not have the funds, she may need Medicaid. If that happens, she may not qualify because the $100,000 addition to your home will be considered gifting. Medicaid has a look back period, some are 5 years.
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It seems to me that if you don't want her to live with you, even in an addition, then that's the end of that idea and you, your husband and his mom need to continue looking for another solution. 20 minutes is a good distance because it isn't a rush over in a minute distance, so if she has home care for awhile, then transitions to assisted living when she needs still more help, that would be better for you. Even if she is not living with you, there will be plenty of needs to be met. I think Country Mouse's suggestion to ask her where she wants to live is good, but it has to be something other than what it is right now because of the falls and constant demands to fix things. Assistance is needed. How does she wish to have that assistance? Give her the choices you come up with that are okay with you too.
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As a man, I can pretty much say with expert certainty that men are stubborn pigs. When was the last time you convinced him of anything???

Men are also pretty slow at learning new things... this may take more than a minute, so big, deep breath and let him figure it out for you!!! Take him on a journey into the future:

Start to ask him questions like:
"What do you think it will REALLY be like to have mom in the house with us?"
"What do you think it will do to our: Marriage? Free time? Family life?"
"What's going to happen when she needs care beyond what you can provide?
"How is mom going to make friends and socialize if she's living with us?

Ask him questions like:
"What he will do if mom has poopy pants and I'm not around to clean her?"
"Will you be able to take time off work to drive her to her doctor's appointments?"
"Are you okay with her having dinner with us every night or will you help her make her own dinner?"

All I am saying is, Yes, build the $100,000 in-law apartment, but instead of moving her in, rent it out as an Airbnb and use the profits to pay for mom's care!

Maybe he'll catch on.... he's a man, take it slow! Be kind! Don't argue! Give him a few sleepless nights... then call a quality home healthcare agency and get mom REALLY taken care of!
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DrBenshir Apr 2022
Thank you! Not only a great response to the question she asked, but you made my day!
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When my niece's husband wanted his parents to move in, my niece, who is a very giving but very busy woman, didn't want to say no, but she was neutral about the prospect.

I told her that no one knows all the details of something like that unless they've done it. So I gave her some discussion points. One included bodily functions that inevitably have to be dealt with (urine, feces, vomit, etc.)

(She said, "Ohhh, I never thought of that....)

My niece avoids direct combat at all costs so I had to laugh when she relayed the following:

Her: Who's gonna clean 'em up if they poop?
Him: (vacant stare)
Her: IT AIN'T GONNA BE ME.

I didn't know she had it in her. I was such a proud aunt.

List all the details of care required (enlist the help of someone who would know if you don't) as well as what can be expected in the future for the care of aging person, especially with existing conditions.

This should take pages. Pages, I say.

Put it under his darling, little nose---maybe even with a "sign up" part (this will be the fun part for you, if not illuminating for both of you.)

Aside from showing him the reality of it, remain objective. You don't want to appear selfish. It's those who don't imagine themselves taking an active role (like a husband who thinks everything will be accomplished by your magic wand) don't have a clue what it takes to care for someone--I guarantee it.

Reality vs. the magic kingdom. Objectivity vs. emotional or personal pleas/motives.
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CTTN55 Apr 2022
I'm proud of your niece, too!
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