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If your mom can comprehend and retain conversations then your conversation with her should be like this.
"Mom, I love you but I can no longer care for you the way you need to be cared for. If changes are not made I am afraid something bad is going to happen and you will not be able to recover. I do not have an option but to look for a facility that can care for you better than I can."
I am guessing that she says she will change but if you know her history change will not happen. So the best thing is to find a facility that can care for her. Assisted Living if she has no cognitive problems, Memory Care if she does, or a facility that has both so when the time ever comes she can transition from one to the other more easily.
You are doing the right thing for her as well as yourself.
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Bebbaloo, you have a huge heart to be providing the help that you are. It's not that you can't continue to provide her care, you are no longer the appropriate person to provide her care, as you have realized. She needs medical attention and counseling. You can try to "reason" her out of the basement but sounds like that hasn't worked, so don't even go down that bunny trail anymore. Are you her durable PoA? If you are, then you can legally make decisions on her behalf. If you aren't I strongly suggest you get this in place (in fact, you can inform her this now a condition of you continuing to help her), if she refuses to give you or anyone durable PoA you can have a discussion about what happens to people like that: they become wards of the county and then the county will make all her care decisions, not family. For immediate help and support, you could contact your county's social services for guidance. I realize she has you in a bind and it is emotionally distressing. I encourage you to find the energy to deal with it a little every day. Your attitude should be that she *will* be moving out. She will put up all sorts of roadblocks but you must ignore this. Also it is very important that you inform your siblings that you can no longer provide her care and that she will be leaving, voluntarily or not. Transparency with them will help. If any sibling doesn't like that plan, tell them they can come and get her immediately. I wish you peace in your heart that moving her out is in her best interest and that you have success in doing so! (Your hubby and family come first).
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Bebbaloo74 May 2020
This was SO helpful. I appreciate your response so much. I do not have power of attorney and she has no intention of giving it. Her doctor today was very clear on the call with her that she is steps away from a care center and making it impossible for her family to care for her. I will continue to repeat that I cannot be her caregiver. It’s an uncomfortable conversation every time. She gets upset. I will take it a day at a time! Thank you!
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