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Might want to try putting her stuff away with much less at her disposal. Give her mini toiletries - and keep refilling them from a larger container. Keep less clothes in her closet. Screw the artwork into the wall so they don't come down. When she has packed, say OK and take her for a road trip - without the stuff of course. Maybe go thrift shopping, out for a treat, and let her put everything back when she gets home. Let her keep nice shopping bags from department stores to "pack" and "unpack" her things. It won't stop the packing habit but it may put a happier spin on it.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
My suggestion is also going to be keeping less at her disposal to pack. But, I would hesitate screwing anything to the wall. Although she has dementia, strength may still be a factor and she might damage the walls, the artwork or hurt herself trying to take them down!
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Tell her the movers are on strike or their truck broke down and she won't be able to move today. If she is well enough to pack, then she is well enough to help you unpack. Find a way to make a game out of the unpacking.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
Can't hurt to try, but this would have to be repeated at least daily, if not more often. She won't likely retain what's been said, any more than understanding the sign that says she lives here, this is her home!

Although she may be "well enough" to unpack, her mind is set on returning to some previous home, so she most likely won't be agreeable to unpacking. Again, it can't hurt to try, but doing this daily or multiple times a day will be no better than OP doing it herself.
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Even tho she's been there a year, sounds to me she's ready to go home.

Is there a possibility that she could Move In to a room at your house, where she would feel Safer and Loved?

Regarding her packing all her stuff, Next time this happens, Don't unpack anything and leave everything on the couch, where she put it and see whst happens.

If nothing else it gives her something to do and she's getting exercise doing it snd not hurting anyone.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
According to OP's profile, the MIL LIVES in their house already:

"She's come to live with me and my husband (her son) since Jan 2019."

Methinks you are assuming OP is another one of us inhuman types who resort to a facility.

This isn't about feeling safe or loved, it is where, or rather WHEN they are living, in their mind. 9 months after moving to MC, from a condo where she lived alone, she forgot about the condo and started asking about HER mother AND the house we lived in over 25 years ago. The first 9 months she pestered my YB about going back to the condo. Nothing about feeling unloved or unsafe, just wanted back to what was familiar in her mind at that time. Since she's already drifted back in time (~40 years, based on certain things she says, I can peg it), she will drift further back as more and more memories are lost. What "home" comes next, who knows. We lived in an apt for a year before that house, then about 7-8 years in upstate NY, then MA before that, including her parents' home. THIS is normal for someone with dementia.

(BTW, my mother, shortly after moving to MC, packed up some items too - these were placed in a cubby in her room and haven't moved since. Also, living with either of my brothers, esp the older one, would be a disaster waiting to happen, or potentially abuse/neglect and I can't physically support her weight, my bathrooms are too small to set up handicap and the only way in/out is full stairs, which she can't do, so I did the best I could in finding her a VERY nice place, near enough to me that I would visit often until the lock down, which continues.)
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OMG this is so annoying my mother did the same, when she could get around telling me I hate it here, I want to go home but her home is with her Mom & Dad sister & brother in the 1930’s. Sad thing is my grandmother died in her arms while she was giving her a bath. But now she can’t walk so she doesn’t pack anymore but still tells me I want to go home.
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Deep inside, she doesn’t feel that she belongs and she is trying to fix the problem herself. Despite your generous hospitality, she may feel inside like a burden or unwelcome. She may feel useless, like the fabled “Bremen Town Musicians” (children’s story about elderly animals who ran away and saved the day for an innkeeper — in so doing regained their reputation and worth). Her brain just isn’t working correctly. Even though you are frustrated and want to correct this misbehavior, anything perceived as criticism may feel condescending, scolding and more confusing - it may cause her to “shut down” even more.

Be as positive as you can. Play along with the plan. “Oh, you’re moving, well that will be exciting!” I like what you’ve done with the place. Or you must be tired after all that packing, would you like to —(insert some activity that makes her calm or happy)— (bake cookies, relax for a while, take a walk, enjoy television or music, a hot bath, help me cook dinner, have some tea —before you go?)

Since she may feel trapped, give her choices- let her plan what you will have for dinner, or manage the TV remote, or even pick an activity for the whole group if she is able.

If she likes the activities related to moving, maybe folding laundry will be enjoyable. Maybe you could say, could you help me pack these things into the laundry basket? Or if you are donating some items, have her fold them for you first. Remind her that her contribution was needed and appreciated.

Take her shopping at a discount store like TJ Maxx and let her pick out a new comforter. decorative pillows or wall art, curtains, or some kind of small furniture to accessorize her new place (her same room). It may feel less strange and more like home if she participates in the transformation.

Change and loss is hard. She may sense her thoughts are becoming increasingly unclear. She has lost control, independence and freedom - principles that people go to war for.
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ArtistDaughter Sep 2020
I like the giving her choices part of your answer. My mom hates being told what to do, but if she has a few choices, even if all end up in doing the very same activity, she feels a little in control.
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Maybe tell her she has to put all the stuff away since she is moving back in now.
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I agree with others who have already suggested that you stop unpacking what she has packed onto the couch. Let go and let that part of things be.

However, I would suggest doing something else with the photos, newspaper articles, papers. Is it possible to put the photos into a photo album? Or digitize the photos and buy one of those photo frames that display digital photos? I would also put the newspaper clippings into a photo album or scrapbook. Or maybe just take home whatever doesn’t really have to be at her place.

Also, in my humble opinion, please take down the sign as it doesn’t seem to be doing any good anyway and may only be upsetting.
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Omobowale, I rather doubt that this is available now b/c of the pandemic, but the Alzheimer's Assn. in conjunction with a local university created a Creating Confident Caregivers program.  Led by a social worker, it offers valuable insights into identifying, interpreting, responding to, and interacting with older folks.  

I see it in fact is still being offered, at least in some area:

https://www.tehachapinews.com/lifestyle/confident-caregiver-series-to-include-living-with-alzheimers-for-middle-stage-caregivers/article_c3bdd6cc-3d61-11ea-a9a1-034c4ebad073.html

This is the one I attended several years ago:
https://www.michigan.gov/osa/1,4635,7-234-64083_87430---,00.html

In addition to studying (no tests though!), interacting with other caregivers, there are problem solving activities which really challenge your mind for solutions.   But finding those solutions allows caregivers to apply them to everyday situations.

I would take it again if I were still in a caregiving situation.
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Omobowale Sep 2020
Thank you! I hope this Caregivers’ Retreat offers some encouragement...and good have finally found a counselor. I believe many of my issues are more related to “moving home” more so than the caregiving. I cared for my husband post kidney transplant and after two below the knee amputations (2 different years) Not to mention the months prior doing wound care trying to save the legs. All while working full time.

But this is so much different. I’ve actually given up much more to do this caregiving ...and I moved into the home I grew up in...and they are my parents. So I’m sure the counselor and I will have much to discuss!

I will surely look up your suggestion. I appreciate you taking the time to respond with some good actionable steps!!
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I agree with others who recommend adapting to, and trying to find a valid use, for the packing.   MIL is doing this for a reason, albeit it not necessarily one that's cognizantly identifiable.

So learn to work with her, find reason to support and validate her concerns instead of challenging them (although that I think is a typical response).  

Is she mobile enough to go for a car ride?    How cognizant is she?   My thoughts are to mollify her by taking a few bags, going for a car ride (different place every time), which if you're in a state that's already segueing into autumn could be a respite from staying inside.   Perhaps stop at a reasonably priced restaurant (for us it was the Dairy Queen!) to get something to take home. 

When you return, you could either leave the bags in the car or bring them inside to the "new" residence.   Create a welcoming environment, play her favorite music, sit and relax, and she may not realize she's back home.   (That really depends on her level of cognizance.)

If there's anyone else at home who could move a few things around to make the environment appear differently, that might help her interpret that she's in a new home.

Alternately, instead of unpacking, set up a system for her to save her treasures and pack them in an organized storage.    Limit the toiletries, etc.   Let her keep her pictures; they probably mean a lot to her.
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Lindajc2 Sep 2020
I’ve just been leaving the bag at the door. Eventually she’ll need something that’s in there And I will remind her that it’s in the bag, then she will go through it
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I am the caregiver...a daughter who moved in with parents to provide care. When I first read the title, I thought it was about the caregiver packing to leave!! LOL. Mentally, I have done that often!! This weekend I will be attending a retreat for Caregivers.. I have begun to take small steps to deal with how caregiving has impacted me. But honestly...packing up and returning to my life I had previously is something I contemplate often! 😊
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GardenArtist Sep 2020
See my answer to your comments in the main section; I posted there as it's easier to find!
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Start removing her things so there is less to re-organize. Dementia loves routine and your MIL has found hers.
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Not sure how otherwise active she is, but maybe another way to look at it is that's keeping her moving and giving her some exercise.
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Lindajc2 Sep 2020
I actually thought that... at least she’s able to concentrate the task of packing & getting exercise LOL
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If you continue doing the same actions (unpacking), why are you expecting different results?
Maybe it's time to STOP.
Don't unpack anything. Leave everything packed, slowly each item will be placed back into accessible places.
She is stuck on remembering her previous home, is there a way to help create positive experiences in her current location?
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Lindajc2 Sep 2020
her packing things up creates a walking hazard for her. But I never thought if just leaving it there for her to unpack I’ll try that, just will have to make a walkway for her. Thanks, linda
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Reduce the number of items she has to pack. Give her back appropriate containers for the photos and paper items and toiletries. That will make it easier for you to find what’s needed on a daily basis. If packing keeps her occupied, let her be happy packing. Allow her space to belong to her.
She will not understand what you are telling her about where she lives but she will stop this activity eventually and start another.
Help her pack if you have time and then you will know where everything is when needed. If you have the funds, find her cute bags. Meet her where she is.

Here is a thread from an Alzheimer site that discusses this issue.

https://www.helpforalzheimersfamilies.com/community-voices/your-questions-answered/why-mother-constantly-packs/
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Lindajc2 Sep 2020
Thank you for the link!, Linda
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