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My mom has dementia. Just a word to the wise. She will continue saying she wants to go home and probably won’t remember why she can’t. When my mom goes into the hospital, she also continually says she wants to “go home” but she means where she currently lives. She fell down and broke two ribs but doesn’t remember falling. I say this because it really doesn’t matter what you tell her in terms of why she can’t go home. She probably won’t remember. Being comfortable in their space is really important for those with dementia. She will consider her new surroundings “home” in time. It is tough now because you can’t visit, but call her and ask if there’s anything she needs. Assuming she says she wants to go home, just tell her she is in her new home now. Send her flowers and whatever will help her feel “homey”. Let go of your guilt. Dementia is tough and it’s not your fault.
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You sure do need a break! Your mother is fine where she is, be very logical and understand she has lived her life and you have helped her for 10 years. It is time for you to let go of the guilt (I know easier said than done, but please try) and start living your life. You were so fortunate to get all of this in place and have her safely placed before the lock downs. Take that as a sign - she's meant to be there and it is your turn! You deserve a life too!
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Yes, just keep on with the house not being ready. At some point she'll likely forget where she lived. When she says she wants to go home, she'll probably mean where she grew up.

You can't help her about feeling alone. She would feel that way even if you called her 3x a day.

You're important! Take care of YOU right now. You deserve and need this time to heal mentally and physically.
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SoVeryExhausted Apr 2020
Its funny when I took her to the neurologist she pointed out a church and said that is where she went with her grandmother when she was little. We live in the southwest she grew up in Arkansas. Most of her memories seem to refer to when she was young and growing up.
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My mother lived with my husband and I for ten years, and, we were at our wits end. Mom is also a narcissist------she was always a very difficult person, and since she had moved in with us, our entire existence rotated around her! We had never even thought about what "narcissistic personality disorder" is until I found this website. She will be 98 yrs old in July, is profoundly deaf, but other than the deafness is quite healthy. Most of the time she gets around without a walker, or cane! She does have some age-related dementia. I was totally burned out-----and at 70 years old I couldn't take anymore. The yelling, screaming, and accusing me of lying to her and stealing from her had become unbearable. And, by the way, she has NEVER apologized to anyone for anything---and will tell you that she never says, or does, anything that she doesn't mean! All my life she made me feel responsible for her. FINALLY, after all this time we had to take charge. We got her into an A.L. facility a couple weeks before the lock down. Now she hates us. I'm told that she stays in bed most of the time. And, yes I feel bad about what had to take place, but, after a lifetime of being her puppet I had to make changes for myself, and my husband (who is nearly 80 yrs old). Mother has had a hard life, but I now realize that a lot of it was because of her own choices. At this point Mom is focusing most of her anger on my husband, who has always treated her good, and had more patience with her than she ever deserved! All this being said----I do feel bad that she's is in this new environment, and so isolated. But she is being well taken care of, and although she doesn't understand, or accept, because, in her mind she is always right, why she is where she is. At this stage of her life, and ours, it is the best place for her to be. I think if we could visit with her, that things would be better by now.
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SoVeryExhausted Apr 2020
Thank you for your reply. It helps to know I'm not the only one to be going through this. Its funny my life has been on hold for so long for things she would never do for anyone else. Her dementia is so strange at this stage. She has moments of clarity that make me think she can stay in her home. Then she claims the newscasters on TV are talking directly to her and are coming to visit and I realize she can't be home.
Good luck to you too xo
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No guilt. You have done all you can and she is in a safe place. Let your brother tell her. Get some rest. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Well done.
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First of all, I am so sorry that your son was murdered. Nothing could be worse than that. I am a mother of two children and I can’t imagine the pain that you went through and the emptiness that you will always feel.

It’s so hard to be a caregiver. Especially dealing with the loss of your son. Be a caregiver to yourself right now.

My oldest daughter had UC which turned into full blown Chron’s disease. I feel for you. The flare ups are miserable. My daughter is always in and out of the hospital with complications.

You have had the worst of times and you need time just for you however you want to spend your time. It’s your turn to breathe. Please do not feel guilty about not going to see your mom.

You can’t visit right now due to coronavirus. Your mom can wait. You can’t run on empty. This is your time to refuel. You are grieving. Mourn the loss of your son.

Take care 💗. Be safe. We care.
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You do not have to lie right now, you have the perfect excuse not to go see her, almost the whole world is on lock down and visitors are limited or not allowed at all at nursing homes.

Use the next few weeks to look after yourself, try to get your own health under control, support your step son and try to relax.
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You should take a break and get your strength back up before you do anything else. Take care of yourself!
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Take a break and take care of you.

No guilt, let her talk to your brother for a few weeks.

I hope you feel better soon.

Great big warm hug!
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