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Remembering what Beatty said--“Resentment is a normal reaction to giving too much".

It sounds like MIL needs to hire some help. Surely there are aides or CNAs at her facility who'd love to accompany her in a cab to doc visits?

Perhaps if all these visits came with a tangible "cost" she might think twice about how many times a year she needs a check-in.

And yes, when she needs to go to AL, it needs to be in Sissy's neck of the woods.
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Yes.

I took mom to every doctor and specialist under the sun for a year. She had cataract surgery, brain scans, spinal taps, skin cancer surgery, you name it. Despite all that she is pretty healthy. Actually, she is very healthy for her age except for the dementia and high blood pressure.

Once we established a baseline, though, I stopped. Like you, I got tired of dragging her around and neglecting my own health. Enough was enough. The doctors always want to schedule follow ups every 6 months or even more often. Forget it.

When she asks to go to the doctor now for trivial things like a burn on her leg I tell her she can have her caregiver take her to urgent care if it looks bad. Otherwise, we will be on a never ending hamster wheel of doctors.

Like others have said, it is fun for them or at least reduced anxiety. We get lunch on the way to or from so it is an outing. However, it is not fun for me and doesn’t reduce my anxiety.

I haven’t been to the doctor in I don’t know how long. She is probably going to outlive me at this rate.
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WearyJanie Sep 2023
i haven’t been to the doctor either—I feel like I have a kind of PTSD from the endless doctors with her and her husband when he was alive, always waiting for the next emergency, my own parents far away and in horrible health... just want to be FAR AWAY from anything medical related.
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I can remember when my mother was living with me for 15 months and also addicted to doctor's visits how resentful and anxious I would become having to drive her to an appt. On our way to the appointment, my mother would sense I was upset and then start in on me. Asking what's wrong. Are you mad? I would say yes. I am mad. I didn't ask for this life. I don't want to take care of you. I have a life. I already raised 5 kids and I don't want to raise you for the next 20 years. Every singe time we would get in the car for a doctor's visit we would get into a huge fight. I would begin to dread an upcoming appt. and started cancelling them and telling her they had to reschedule.

She is in AL now. Doctor's office arranges transportation to their office because I said I am not her caregiver anymore and AL does not have transportation so you all need to figure it out. Best thing that ever happened. I have my life back. I am free.

Please don't sacrafice your own happiness and well being for your MIL. Let her IL handle it all or it is time to transition her to AL. Her needs will be taken care of without you if you just say - I am not her caregiver.
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WearyJanie Sep 2023
This is good info for the future. If I cannot arrange another driver, I may push it off on the doctors as well after she goes to assisted living. It might actually be time for AL. She is well to do and can afford a good place.
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Rant away it’s good to get things out I have a similar MIL and completely understand . The doctor apts are relentless I like you had burned out and let her son handle it . Obviously nobody wants to see another person suffer in pain BUT these older people forget that in fact they are old and a sore from laying in bed all day is just a sore and you 87 ! We would have to rush to the emergency room only to be sent home many hours later there comes a time when you have to say well not much can be done it’s old age
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ElizabethAR37 Sep 2023
Yep, that's the truth! Lots of doctor visits contribute to the "medical income stream" so there's not much incentive to reduce the frequency, especially if there is good supplemental insurance. Ka-ching$! Of course, some of them may be necessary, but it sounds like many could probably be eliminated with little risk to MIL's basic health. Her PCP may be able to help determine which visits are essential.

I'll be 87 soon and have a back that looks like a pretzel. I have accepted that there's likely no resolution at my age. Trips to various doctors aren't going to change that fact. Sometimes we just "outlive the warranty" on our body parts.
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I know exactly how you feel. I live in Australia. Once my father turned 75 and found out nearly all medical services were free (to him, not the tax payer) his life was one continuous merry go round of various GP’s specialists and auxiliary services. Having National healthcare is great but a goldmine for lots of GPs where the elderly are concerned You visit the doctor who orders blood tests bone density tests blood pressure monitoring, scans (just to be sure ) on and on. Being so closely and continuously monitored meant something was always being found in the early stages which meant more appointments. All the meds free or very cheap It became his way of passing the time and once he stopped driving I arranged for a patient transfer service which was run by church charities and cost little. There was no way I was turning over my life to this My father got older ( he died at 88) and sicker. It’s unavoidable but when there is a never ending goldmine of govt money you get put on the medical merry go round. The older he got the more he searched for ways to stay above the ground. His last years were miserable and when his lungs started collapsing they put him in hospital, punctured a hole thru his back and artificially inflated them to try to get them to stick. This is when I said. No More and he was moved into care where he lasted another six mths. Just basic good daily care and made comfortable with no pain. It’s shit
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At 90 I would stick to the very basics. With my mom and now aunt @ 94 we got many mobile services done st their homes. Primary care visits, labs, ultrasounds & x-rays. I found a good patient transport company for my dad when he was alive. I could ride with him at no charge & it was so easy having help. Reasonable prices and worth every penny.
Limits the appointments and commit to one a week. You need to take care of yourself.
You could hire a caregiver to go with her to the less detailed appointments.
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