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Doctor said mom with mid stage dementia isn’t safe to drive anymore. We gave her time to give up car and after endless refusal we took the car to sibling’s house. She lives alone and is so angry with us. She cannot understand and even said if I kill someone then I’m probably dead too so what. We’ve offered to drive her anywhere. When I called tonight she started yelling again and hung up after telling me how much she hates me. We do have an agency coming in to evaluate her living situation. I know we did the right thing but I’m tired of taking the brunt of her anger and wonder when it’s ok to just say see you and good luck?

No one has to tolerate abuse even if it comes from a person with dementia. I get it about your mother being angry about losing her driving privileges, but you did the right thing. I want to thank you for potentially saving many lives by taking her car away.

I was a homecare provider for 25 years and now operate my own. I can't tell you how many times a senior needed their family to take the keys away. The senior gets angry and belligerent so the family backs down and lets them keep driving. They'd rather run the risk of them killing someone then deal with the tantrums and verbal abuse. You did the right thing.

You also did the right thing bringing in a homecare agency to evaluate her living situation. If it's a good and reputable company they'll tell you straight.

Now, your mother may be resistant to homecare. So you tell her what I have told countless resistant seniors who refused to let me in and who were uncooperative with their own care.

~Nothing will get a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.~

This usually gets a person onboard with accepting homecare.

As for your mother's hatred and verbal abuse towards you. If she's still going to be living alone, she must have enough faculties left to understand that she's intentionally behaving abusively and you don't have to take that from her. Give it right back. Tell her plainly that you understand she's angry about the care but she will not speak to you in such a manner and if she continues she will be out of your life. If she's being abusive on the phone, you hang up. If it's in person, you leave. Enough is enough.

Years ago I was a supervisor at a high-end AL facility. It was not a nursing home or memory care facility. Many residents still had their own cars and were very independent. Mostly it was seniors who couldn't keep up a home anymore and all that comes with being a property owner. When a resident needed a higher level of care, they had to go somewhere else.

We had one resident where every time I went by if she saw me she'd say to anyone around, "There goes that fat b***h". She did this countless times. Until one day I stopped dead in my tracks, started backing her towards the wall, and got about an inch away from her face and belligerently said, "What did you call me?" She got all flustered and panicky and said "Nothing (my first name)". I told her that's what I thought and walked away.

She never said a word to me again. In fact she did her best to avoid me until I left that job almost two years later.

Don't allow verbal abuse and never give in because of a tantrum. There's going to be a lot of both coming. Don't allow either.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Tashi5 Sep 6, 2024
I am impressed by your strength and determination. You have continually
stood up for yourself and refused to participate in the abuse.
Your advice is invaluable.
I 'm imagining a gold medal designed for you to wear with pride. On it is carved a beautiful design of flames circled by the words "BURNT CAREGIVER"
Thank you.
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Oh I've been there; Twice!! First with my mom who was not angry, just confused. I told her the car needed parts and they couldn't fix the car without those parts. My Dad had two near-death car crashes before he thank jesus realized on his own that he couldn't drive any longer. He was angry. If your Mom is choosing to take it out on you, be firm as in grounding a teenager and refusing to put up with abusive language. You can try and change the subject when she starts to escalate, then tell her that you're going to need to get off the phone this conversation is not going well and you're getting a headache. You'll call her back in three days. Follow through and if she digs in again, repeat that you are not finding this conversation pleasant at all. You'll need to end the conversation; would she like to speak about anything else? No? Alright, Mom; have a great afternoon and I'll check in with you in three days. You did the Right Thing and thank you for possibly saving lives; this role-reversal stuff is painful yet increasingly necessary for the physical, emotional, and financial health of all involved parties.
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Reply to gemswinner12
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Your mother is likely no longer safe to be living alone, as well.
What did the doctor say about THAT?

You are a free human being, not a slave, and it is your choice when to say "Goodbye and goodluck; here are the emergency numbers to call". BUT if she is unsafe alone and you know that you need to also notify the authorities, police or APS for wellness check on her.

The management of someone in this condition who is not cooperative is almost impossible.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Mid stage dementia can be very difficult .
Your mother doesn’t recognize there is anything wrong with her and you won’t be able to get her to understand or reason with her .

I hope the person coming to mom’s house is going to do a needs assessment to determine level of care .

In mid stage dementia , typically 24/7 supervision is required and she won’t be able to live alone . That leaves either round the clock care at home which is super expensive , or assisted living or memory care.

Leave her alone . A wise social worker told me
“ Let her fail , stop helping “.
Sometimes this is needed to force a change .
She will call when she needs food .
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Reply to waytomisery
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I am so very proud of you and your siblings that you had the guts and courage to do what you knew was the right thing by taking your moms car despite her volatile responses.
So many people know they need to do something but are so afraid to upset the apple cart, so they just keep hoping and praying that their loved one won't get hurt or worse yet kill someone while they're driving with a demented brain.
I am involved with a caregiver support group for folks caring for a loved one with dementia, and nothing gets me fired up quicker than learning that they're still letting their loved one with dementia drive.
I do usually go off on them, as someone has to speak up for all the innocent drivers that haven't a clue that there is someone on the roadways with a broken brain. It is no different than someone driving drunk or high on drugs.
So I say THANK YOU for having the courage to do what's right. And I'm sure all the people on the roadways where your mom lives thank you as well.

Now unfortunately the time is near when your mom should no longer be living by herself, and that too will be another hurdle to get over.
But for now, I would just limit your calls and visits, and if and when she gets hateful about her car or anything else, just tell her you have to go and will call/be back when she's in a better mood.
I wish you the very best, as this journey will get much harder before it gets better.

P.S. Oh Lord! I just read below that your mom is an alcoholic on top of everything else, and that you are enabling her instead of trying to get her help.
That's a whole other issue(though I'm sure her dementia is related to her alcoholism)that needs to be addressed as well. Drug rehab facilities accept folks of all ages.
You have got one hot mess on your hands and I honestly wouldn't blame you if you just threw up your hands and walked away.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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ElizabethAR37 Aug 29, 2024
Yup, sounds like she may have been drinking AND driving for some time. Good thing that's no longer happening.
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I think what many of us here wrestle with is not upsetting them which can fall under the category of denial. Letting them drive while under the influence is a form of denial and enabling. You did the right thing by taking the car. Her attitude alone is displaying a form of narcissistic thinking about killing someone on the road and killing herself. This is the rantings of someone who has problems with judgment. The drinking alone is a problem.

I'm at a point now when I deal with yelling and screaming, I hang up or leave. These people are no longer in charge. They don't make rational decisions because that part of the brain is damaged. Don't let her run you ragged with errands.
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Reply to Scampie1
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When you were 3 or 4 and you were at the store with mom and you wanted the candy bar or later on you wanted to stay out late and mom said NO! I bet you did some of the same things mom is doing now. Yell, cry, stomp your feet and probably said "I hate you" or "Why don't you let me do...."
These are normal reactions to not getting what we want even if it is not for out own good. As a young child you did not understand that this is part of trying to keep you healthy, or when you were a bit older a way to make sure you were safe.
The catch here is mom is not going to learn that what you are doing is for her own good (as well as the rest of the community) so you are going to have to put up with the temper tantrum.
Try to redirect her. But while doing so validate her point and tell her you understand.
Maybe if you have the doctor write out instructions that she can not drive until he clears her again. You can read her the paper from the doctor, tell her the next time you see the doctor she can ask if she can drive.
Eventually she will forget about driving.
In the meantime if she begins yelling, screaming say "Mom, I can't talk to you when you yell like that I am going to hang up." then hang up.

I do have another concern...
Is she safe living alone?
Is there a possibility she would decide to walk to the store...at 2 or 3 AM? Or leave the water on in the sink? Or let someone in to the house to "fix the gas leak"? I am of the belief that a person with dementia should not be living alone. You never know when that moment will come that something could happen.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Anxietynacy Aug 28, 2024
That was so enlightening!!!
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Great job taking the car! You’ll never know what disaster you may have prevented, for mom or another family. Don’t listen to her rants, get off the phone the minute she starts, no one deserves to be berated, no matter if it’s the dementia talking. Please heavily consider if mom will start to wander on her own now as it’s common with dementia patients, she may not be safe on her own at all now. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Thank you for taking the car. Good that you have an agency coming to evaluate her needs.

If she calls you and starts yelling just hang up. If you are visiting her, just leave.

My mother was like this my whole life. I called rarely and when she started being a b***h I’d pick up and leave. She once confided to the caregiver that I was afraid of her. She was absolutely right, I was. But I handled it in my own way.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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When she throws a fit about having the in home help she's determined to need, call APS and report a demented, alcoholic senior living alone. Then you can walk away knowing you've done all you could.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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waytomisery Aug 28, 2024
This may be the best way . After I posted my answer below, I thought about how the mother will be driving OP crazy to bring her alcohol , which may be a problem depending on the facility she is in , or if the mother will cause behavioral problems because she’s dry or drunk .

OP you don’t want to be stuck with Mom if they kick her out of a facility . Think about if you would rather let APS take over and Mom become a ward of the state . It may be best .
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