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ET, ((((((hugs))))))))))!

Your mom is safe, cared for and IN A BED.

Her current facility can only send her somewhere that they seem a "safe discharge".

Home is no longer safe. One person cannot care for a bed ridden patient.

This does not come down to your "choice". It comes down to incontrovertible fact.

Please call your doctor and get a referral to a social worker or therapist. Talk to your doctor about your anxiety and panic. You need help in negotiating this transition from being your moms permanent caregiver.

And as CM says, sit down and have a talk with mom's worker. Make it clear that mom cannot safely come home.
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Here’s what we tell the families of patients at our hospital: when your mom has a serious medical problem do you rely on yourself to know how to fix it? Do you drive the ambulance, provide emergency room services, write prescriptions, give IV medications? No. You don’t. Trained professionals do. Your mother is still in a situation that requires professionals. If she cannot get out of bed, you CANNOT care for her alone. Especially if you have physical limitations. Let a facility help you. They can be the professional care she needs and you can be her child. Guilt will not make you suddenly be able to care for her. While she’s in the rehab center you have social workers to help find her a place. If you take her home, it’ll be much harder to get this help. It’s all availability to you right now. They can find her a facility, they can aid in the conversation with her. If it’s taking a “team” of nurses to get her up, you’ll never be able to do it alone. She may not like the idea, but this is just the way it really is. Just be honest with the social worker and let them set it all up. I understand why you feel the way you do, but it doesn’t change the facts. From your post, it seems that you already know she needs placement, you’re just struggling with actually saying it. Stop. It’s ok. You’re not doing anything wrong. And if she makes you feel like you are, she’s the one doing the wrong thing, not you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. God bless you.
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BarbBrooklyn Jan 2019
NCNurse; Totally on point!!!! Thank you.
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PLEASE, LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE!!!! If they didn't care, I can't imagine they would spend their time on this site. It's incredibly confusing and difficult to deal with these situations. But sometimes, the people that have been through this have 'hindsight' that you don't have as yet. Which is ok, you'll get there. None of this is easy, but if you lose yourself, you're no good to anyone else-don't mean to be harsh, but I had to learn that the hard way. Don't take the hard way. It's not worth the price you'll pay. Easier said than done, but look at the facts. Sometimes people need professional care. And it's ok. Let the professionals do what they are trained to do.
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One more thing. Sorry. But when we make decisions based on guilt then rarely is it a good outcome. No, never a good outcome. And p.s. If you turn to drinking-the problem is still there after, just now you feel even worse trying to deal with the situation.
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Riverdale Jan 2019
Or your head is pounding and the idea of making a decision becomes obsolete.
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Your situation is so much like my Mom's. I won't go through the whole scenario but suffice it to say that after leaving rehab early cause she wouldn't cooperate we got her home again and home health care came four times a day. Mom didn't cooperate with them either. Wouldn't let them do anything for her. I too felt guilty about this. I know my mom thought why are they coming when my daughter can do it. But I couldn't lift my mom. She would ying and I would yang and I think it was more dangerous for her when I did try to help her.

Eventually my mom figured it out herself that she needed nursing care. Which made it a little easier. She still wasn't happy about it and it was devastating to me to have to see her in a nursing home. And to be honest, if my siblings had helped more we may have been able to give it a go with mom at home. But that fantasy never played out. So, screw the guilt. It's unfounded. You sound like you are at your breaking point and as others have said so adroitly you need to save you before you can save someone else and it was never supposed to be your responsibility totally. You just made it so. Give yourself a break.
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ExtremelyTired--"I went to see a Dr for my chronic, daily back pain where I wake up in excruciating pain every morning (had it about 3 years now, finally had the time to go with her currently in PT) and I haven't gone to see any specialist to confirm but it doesn't sound good, including no lifting over 20lbs while this all gets sorted as to not risk further damage."

You've pretty much answered this question with your description. You are physically unable to continue caring for her at this new level of need. Frankly, with your back issues you weren't really able to do it before and appear to have caused
yourself some serious damage.

If you need a "note from the doctor" then get that and take this burden of guilt
off your shoulders. Not being able to physically care for a bed ridden parent
should not be a source of shame, but rather an impetus to find her the best
care situation that she can afford.

Good luck!!!
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Hi Extremely Tired,
Have you tried to get some counceling? Are their senior services in your area? You may want to consider retaining a lawyer who practices senior law and show him all this post and response. What you are going through is, what I would say, typical of a caregiver having to make life altering decisions while having siblings who sit back and watch. My situation is my brother's children, all adults, live within a few miles from the nursing home I had to place my brother, they never visit him or try to help me. He has been there 3 years and tells me they visit all the time. Breaks my heart completely. Our sister lives in Hawaii. So, her help is extremely limited.
I had to make the decision to place him and where. He was in and out of the hospitial more than not - which is why the decision had to be made. He was in a unit in Assisted Living and I paid the rent. In one year he was actually in his unit for 5 weeks. I was ripped apart with guilt, but knew I could not give him the care he required. My life is and has been for 7 years, on hold - I am not a spring chicken and do feel resentful that I am the "chosen one" - especially where his kids live so close.
I found, through Senior Services, a class that helped me understand his condition and what he was going through with the dementia. Maybe there is a school or hospital that can give you knowledge to help you understand this isn't your soul responsibility and how to obtain the help you need.
One last thing, is there a social worker involved? If there isn't there should be - I would advise to get one immediately. He/She will guide you and support you on how to rid yourself of this guilt and how to deal with her moving into a Nursing Home.
God Bless you. Stay strong. I will pray you get your life back. I would be interested to know how this all plays out for you.
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Hi, I'm here next to you in the boat. My mother is in a skilled facility currently and discharging is coming and, like your situation, it's home or a facility. Reading your post has snapped me back into a bit of rational that may help us:
we committed to caring for our LO which includes their best interest; if we are not physically able to 'lift' or 'support' them (and as their abilities decline, not many can fly solo), then aren't we increasing the potential for injuries to be much worse if they occur? They stumble we cannot properly catch, they're confused and tend to wander and we don't hear the front door open because we were in the other room cleaning up urine,? I have noticed that staff in facilities usually work in teams of two when moving, adjusting etc patients... plus in facilities, the entrance and exits are limited to one or two and monitored and/or auto lock to activate them. I'm starting to realize that if mom goes into a facility instead of home, I will still be caring for her, just not in her home. And as in any point in life, plans do change to no fault of our own per se. Plus, as a caregiver, if you reach burn out, it is not possible to care for them properly because mentally you sorta "check out". Hang in there my friend.
xoxo
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