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Caregiving is stressing us to death. I cared for my husband for 8 years till he passed away in 2009 from early onset dementia at age 61. I then transitioned to caring for my parents, Mom in a nursing home and Dad suffering from cancer- needing treatment and multiple dr appts. Mom passed in 2014. I took Dad into my home full time after he fell the same year. At the time, my 2 sisters were living with me and the 3 of us shared responsibilities for Dad. My younger sister has multiple medical conditions and my older sister had grand parenting obligations as well. During the last 5 years I also suffered with a second diagnosis of breast cancer. To say this has all added up on us is an understatement. In the meantime, my nephew (younger sisters son) was struggling financially and I bought him a pickup so he could work, etc. he does construction work- carpentry, tiling, plumbing, etc. When I wanted to redo a bathroom, I offered him the work. I paid him every day $2-300=trying to be very generous. After halfway through the project, he “blew up”-suffers from ADHD that he refuses to treat. He screamed at me, called me a mother f...Er and I threw him out. He was screaming at his mother and everyone in the house. My now 94 year old father was horrified. I told him to take all of his belongings and never set foot on my property again. I must add, he has had difficulties with many members of our family, creating major rifts between them but I always thought it would be different with us. I helped him pay his child support and kept in touch with him when he was in prison. My sister knows her son and his problems. She knew he was never to come on my property. Last week, she got a call (she now lives elsewhere) while she was here caring for my Dad and I heard her say” well good, now you can come see Poppy”. Next thing, she was asking me if her son could come in because he missed “his Grandfather”! This incident happened 2 plus years ago!! She knew I would not create a problem in front of my Dad so I walked by her and said “three minutes”. As I left the room, I saw he was already in my house and she handed him money!! That was the real reason for the visit. I sat in Dads room waiting. After 12 minutes, I went out and caught my sisters eye. She knew why I was standing there and got up so her son did too. As he walked by me he called me a b*tch and a dozen other horrible words. I told my sister that he was not welcome in my home and that she created the problem. I further said that if he came again, I’d call the police. We have not spoken since. Each of us has assigned days to be at my house to care for Dad. I have twin grandbabies and I watch them 3 days a week at their home. My older sister travels away for 4 days a week to care for her grandchildren. Not speaking to my sister is uncomfortable because we have always been close but her life is full of drama and I do not want it in my life. She has now texted to my older sister and me that she is having major surgery soon and will be unavailable to help for 6 weeks. We will figure out my Dad but I feel very bad for her going through this situation but, I am not willing to re-ad her drama to my life. We had stopped talking a few years ago because of her daughter and finally when this happened with her son I told her I did not want to hear either of their names in my home, let alone them. How do I deal with this estrangement especially because she is at my house from 9 am to 10 pm every time shes here with Dad? I am not comfortable in my own home. I really believe we are all suffering because of this obligation with my Dad. Moving him out is not an option. She has forced me to treat her like I never thought I would. But, the elimination of the stress is very welcome. Help! I need ideas.

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Moving him into a care facility IS indeed an option, just one you are not yet willing to consider. Once you do, you will realize several things: it is not isolating to be in an environment with other elderly people whom he can interact with. There are daily activities geared towards what they can do, arts and crafts, ice cream socials, etc. The entire family can visit him daily, on different schedules, which would accomplish 2 things. 1. No interactions between fighting siblings and nephews anymore, and 2. Keeping dad from being lonely, but without all the Italian histrionics we're so well known for. Snicker. You can be in charge of bringing him treats and your sibling can be in charge of bringing him magazines or books. He'll think every day is Christmas. He'll stop falling so much thereby cutting down on everyone's anxiety, and the general stress you've all been under will significantly decrease,
It's a win-win situation. Change your thinking and change everyone's life in the process.
Best of luck!
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Katmar Jul 2019
Thank you for your very correct solution. Taking emotions out of it would certainly make it easier. I know Dad is not the problem. I am because I know he is so against being in a facility. He promised my mind m he would never put her in one and when it became necessary,, it broke his heart. Maybe I can talk to the social worker and get some guidance. I don’t know how Medicare/Medicaid would pay for it and he/we certainly could not afford
it. Thank you for your very smart answer.
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Katmar,

I am sorry for this situation. Sibling stress is one of those things that makes caregiving harder. I mean no disrespect but the fact that she will be out of the picture for 6 weeks will be a respite for you.

Maybe you can use that time to find a caregiver who can come in the times your sister isn't there and then when she is better you can tell her you're good, you don't need her to come.

I know with sisters the hurt is so deep and so profound but you have to take care of yourself and I don't mean that in a finger pointing way. You really do. You are just as important as anyone else, you don't need to sacrifice yourself for others. Good luck and hang in there.
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Katmar Jul 2019
Thanks. I have always put everyone ahead of me but have been working hard on setting boundaries. It’s so hard when you care so much about the person who wronged you. It goes against everything I feel to live like this. I really need to get this resolved for me. It’s causing so much stress and I have worked so hard to try to keep it away from me. Thanks
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This is one mess, all happening because you do not want to place your father in a home, you are killing yourself and nothing will change until you put yourself first and end all this drama by moving your father to a home. You cannot save everyone, you are not that powerful, none of us are! I wish you the best, take care of you.
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Katmar Jul 2019
Thank you. My father is a dear and fairly independent. It’s just that he’s a huge fall risk. He uses a walker and is not demanding in any way. He is compliant with his care and has a fairly good mind. He delights in having his great grandchildren visit and really interacts well with everyone. I just don’t want to isolate him. I have power of attorney so it would be my call but, I can’t remove him from family. We are a close Italian family with lots of wonderful family members. I’m afraid if I move him, it will be his demise. loneliness is a major factor in the demise of the elderly. We have good care from the local visiting nurses and aides. His doctor comes to the house to see him and his blood is drawn from here. Other than my sister and her drama, things are good. I think I feel guilty because we were the closest in age growing up and shared a bedroom and are have a lot of similar interests. It’s her children and their lack of respect for me and ultimately her lack of respect forcing her son on me that put me over the edge. But, I can’t help but love her and I’ve always been there for her. Hard not to wish her the best now
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Katmar, who has your dad's durable power of attorney? Why is moving him out "not an option"? More info will enable the community to give you better ideas.
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Katmar Jul 2019
Please read my response to Dollyme. Maybe it fills in some of the blanks. Thank you
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I believe that the last person you are caring for now needs to go into extended care facility. If you can manage a hospitalization first then set the social workers on it and tell them he cannot return home, that you are ill and unable to care for him. They will find you the placement without funds that you will not be able to find on months of searching on your own.
Your life is absolutely FILLED with stress. I am a 31 year old survivor of breast cancer myself. Stress becomes a drug, and we become junkies to it. I do not honestly believe in anything as a cure EXCEPT relieving stress and understanding your limitations. If you read about the level of cortisol in the blood with stress and blowups you will see how negative it is for any system of the body, and for those with cancers especially. You are playing with your life. Who do you think will care for you? Why are you doing this to yourself. The sister and son should be living together wherever they like, and to me the son sounds dangerous, and has been enabled, is still being enabled. This is the kind of person who breaks and causes things that are not pretty.
This is now YOUR CHOICE. No one will give you the Martyr's picture complete with halo. No one will give you so much as a thank you. It is your choice for your life. I hope you make a wise one that will afford you some years of peace and happiness. So sorry for all you are going through. But the tough love part of me needs you to hear that this is your choice.
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Katmar Jul 2019
I agree that only I can take care of me. This was my second bout with breast cancer and I’ve had a melanoma. I try very hard to live a positive life and enjoy every moment with my family that I can. The rest of my family is very supportive and we’ve always helped each other throughout our lives. When we were young my mom always impressed on us to take care of each other because there would be lots of people outside our family looking to make life hard. I’ve lived my life with this. Until recently, it has served us well. My sister wants to be here for my Dad. I want her to be here but she just doesn’t get it that her children have created major problems with the entire family-not just me. I think if she wasn’t facing major surgery, I would be ok but this has thrown me for a loop. I do not want to return to talking to her and reopen that door. I’m so torn
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