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Dad has dementia and has lived in LTC facility for a year and a half. I am his only child and the closest person to him. About 2 weeks ago, his facility started allowing indoor visits (daily) for an hour. I’ve tried to make the most of the hour, and for the most part our visits have been pleasant. Today, dad seemed sad and a little irritated. I tried talking to try and keep things upbeat, but I knew something was wrong - so I finally just asked.
Dad said, “I’m upset because I haven't heard from my daughter” (thats me) He said, “I don’t know if I did something wrong or if she’s mad at me, but she’s not answering my calls and I haven’t heard from her (again, me).
I literally sat there and felt like I was hit with a Mack truck. I know it may not be the right thing say, but I looked him square in the eye and said “dad I AM your daughter. It’s me and I’m here with you”
He definitely didn’t believe me and said - let’s just drop it. He was distant and sad during the entire visit. Yes I’m sad that he doesn’t recognize me, but what makes it worse is that he’s genially saddened that I would desert him (which couldn’t be farther from the truth). Is there anything I can say or do to help him feel comfort and realize it’s really me? Side note: he calls me by my name, and even introduces me by name, but on the same day, he look ME straight in the eye, and asks me - have you seen Ann (yea, that’s me). Ugh

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I would tell him any of the following.
If you can get the facility to "prep" him just before your visit. Have them say.."George" you are getting a visit from your daughter Ann today, that must be exciting.
When you enter the room say.."Hi dad, it's Ann, how are you? When you start the conversation be right in front of him and get down to his eye level if he is sitting.
Part of the problem may be the mask if you are wearing one. (and you should)
If you can find a Clear Face Shield that would enable him to see your face it might make it easier for him to recognize you.

If he insists that you are not his daughter then as hard as it is go with it.
Tell him that you are there to visit him. You could say you are a very good friend of Ann and tell him some of the things only you and he would know. Ann is at the store and she asked me to stop by and say hi.

Do not push it. No need to stress him and it may just upset him.
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MargaretMcKen Nov 2020
Getting the staff to prep sounds like a good idea. It might also help to make yourself a name tag, with letters big enough for him to read, that says your first name, Ann. Perhaps you could put your maiden last name on it too. If you introduce yourself as you come in, he is getting a lot of reinforcement. It might help, with luck.

Talk about Ann in the third person, and go through old memories. Finding that he loves his memories of you will make you feel a bit better.
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This happens. And it is the hardest part. Husbands sometimes get new "loves" in care who they think are their wives, and the wives have to live through that.
Just one idea, one of those scrap books that you can paste pictures of yourself in, with him. Long term memory is sometimes easily triggered, and he would see the little girl grow and see his own changes. I am so very sorry; I know how this hurts. Going to recommend a book. It is called "Still Time" by Jean Hegland. She worked as a volunteer in memory care for years. It is about a professor and his daughter, he in memory care, she visiting, about their relationship, and it is told from inside HIS mind, so you can see all the memory loss and confused things as they happen. I found it a comforting and beautiful book. I am glad you are getting to see him again.My heart goes out to you.
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How heartbreaking for you and your father. I’m so sorry.

My godmother with Alzheimer’s started doing this to me when I visited her in the nursing home.

I told my godmother who I was. She knew me all my life.

It’s devastating not to be recognized. It’s especially hard for you because it’s regarding your father.

I would read the book that Alva suggests and try to educate myself on this situation as much as I could.

I would speak to his caregivers at the facility for feedback. Stick around on this forum because there are many others that will chime in.

Best wishes to you and your dad.
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Can you call him and talk over the phone? Perhaps he is thinking of how you used to be. My father had a picture of me 30 years ago on his desk. I visited him every day and he asked me why the woman in the picture never came to see him. When he couldn't reconcile the current me with old picture, I put the picture away.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
What a great idea? Marvelous suggestion. I hope this works for the OP.

You know, when I would visit mom at the nursing home when mom was there for rehab there was an older woman with ALZ sitting in her wheelchair in the foyer area.

She always wanted to talk to me so I would chat with her before or after seeing my mother.

This woman was convinced that she was only 32 years old. She kept asking me to tell her where her car was parked. She wanted to drive home.

Then she asked me to call her son because she needed to speak to him and explain that she was being held against her will.

This old woman actually told me her son’s name. I looked up his name out of curiosity. I found his name on my phone. Her son was around my age.

I asked her the age of her son. She said that he was a young boy, four years old. It is very sad.
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There are great ideas around here. It’s difficult when our LO’s no longer recognize us. Even when you expect it, it’s still hard to accept. I would still try to be upbeat and act like I always did...loving....cheerful, etc. She would tell others that I was a good friend. But, she forgot I was her cousin. Still....sometimes in her eyes, she seemed to still know me.

I’d just greet him as normal. Some days, he may know you. It’s difficult to say. You might consider sending a card that says you were out of town on business and were thinking of him, will see him soon, etc.
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The first time this happens is the worst. Be ready when you make your next visit, or your next, for him to recognize you or not. If he does, enjoy his company as you always do.
If he doesn’t, and you feel comfortable doing so, try telling him that you know his daughter very well, and that she always says that she loves her dad very much and hopes to see him soon.
What you’ll be doing is speaking of your own feelings for him, but in the third person. At some point he may say “I know you Ann. You’re my daughter”. Just continue as Ann. Ultimately your goal is to confirm his hope to hear from his daughter and know that she cares for him and dearly loves him as she always has.

I hear your “ugh”, and I second that. This is SO PAINFUL. If you can share your own feelings it may help you feel a little less uncomfortable that he’s missing you and is unable to realize that you are actually you.

There’s no question that you miss him and love him still. For at least the time being, if you can let yourself become part of what he’s believing in his present, you can help him find his way to looking forward to your visits and enjoying the time he spends with you. That’s a gift that you can give him that you’ll never regret.
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Beatty Nov 2020
Beautifully said.
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Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. It’s never easy when this happens. My mom goes back and forth, sometimes she knows us,sometimes not. She has been asking when Dad, who died 3 years ago, is coming to pick her up.

When that happens I suggest telling him that his daughter will be over tomorrow. It’s more important to make him happy than expect him to do more than his brain can really do now.

I recall a story about a woman with AZ who kept asking where her husband was. Each time she was told that her husband had died which caused her grief. Over and over her family kept telling her he was dead. Why? Why not allow her the fantasy that he was in the next room and would soon be in to see her? You cannot force someone with dementia to conform to what they were.
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Mom's caregivers always prep her for our visits. She always looks surprised when she sees us, we are in our 60’s. Perhaps she is remembering us as much younger with more hair and fewer wrinkles!
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Mrsrubee Nov 2020
I bet that’s exactly what’s happening to poor Anna. Years ago we were all at my Grandma’s LTC for her birthday. My Dad and I were sitting at her table when she leaned in and, with all the excitement of a child anticipating a visit from Santa, said “I hear Bobby and Russ are coming!” Bobby was my Dad. The look on his face was tragic. She was waiting for two little boys, not the two grandfathers sitting across from her. Not knowing any better back then, I said, “Grandma, Bobby’s right here.” She looked at me like I was the demented one - LOL.

My husband is now now having difficulty remembering his children-in-law and grandkids. With the grandkids, he’s confused because they grow up when, in his mind, they stay very young. Two years ago we took a granddaughter to dinner for her 18th birthday. I talked about her on the ride over so he’d be prepped. He was very quiet all thru dinner, but livened up considerably at dessert and told her how amazing she was and how proud of her he was. Brought tears to her eyes. After we dropped her off he told me that he had a devil of a time figuring out who this young woman was and why the heck we were taking her to dinner. Said he knew we were taking granddaughter out, but was expecting an 8-year-old. Said he finally figured out who she was toward the end of the meal. As sad as that was, I was happy he figured it out and said those beautiful words to her. Just wish I knew of his struggle as I could have easily fixed it. At family gatherings now, I don’t think he’s able to keep track of who’s who and who belongs to which family, but - like my grandma way back when - he knows they’re his people. Now I always say who people are and their relationship to help him out.
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I'm sure the covid situation has made this worse. I know this is so hard. Perhaps he will start to remember with continued visits. Maybe you can get a nice 8x10 picture of yourself to hang on the wall of his room. If the staff reminds him that the person in the photo is his daughter, it may help. My mom started thinking I was her mother. I just went with it.
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disgustedtoo Nov 2020
I was going to suggest having a good size recent picture of yourself with your name on it, so he sees it every day. All too often the slip back in time for them does this - if you can figure out "where" in time he is, perhaps it can shed some light. If he thinks you're a child, that will be hard to reconcile.

My mother has been in MC almost 4 years now. She slipped back in time after 9 months, asking about her mother (gone 40+ years now.) At that same time she also forgot about her condo, where she had lived for about 25 years, and was asking about the house we lived in before that. One brother isn't local, so he only saw her a few times when up to help a bit with getting her condo ready for sale. The other initially came a few times, but it became rare for him to show up and other than a couple of appts he had to take her to, she really doesn't see him.

She used to ask about them more often, but over time she asked less and less. I don't recall the last time she asked. Out of sight, out of mind is likely. My mother always knew me when I visited, even from across the room. Even though she's gone back over 40 years, I was an adult by then, so she still knows me, despite being locked out for so long. She can't hear, so no phone and never did computer stuff, so no visual either. No window to access from outside. However a staff member recently asked about us and her comment about me was "Oh her and all those cats!"

I did a brief belated birthday visit outside in August, but combination of the heat (it was under a canopy), the distancing and the mask, it isn't clear she even knew I was there.

We (daughter and I) stopped by yesterday before picking up her bed (hospice brought a hospital bed.) They have been allowing short indoor visits in their cafe, so I set it up. She recently had a stroke, but again, the lack of hearing, dementia and distancing with masks, I'm not all sure she knew who we were. I used an LCD Boogie Board when I was able to visit before. It would be too small at 6', so I bought a bigger white board, but she kept losing focus and going back to her sale catalog. The stroke hasn't helped this either.

FWIW, even before we had to move her, in the early stages, she thought my daughter was her cousin. I wish I had a pic of her! Not much I could do to change her mind. I'd heard the name many times, but have no idea what she looked like - must resemble my daughter a lot! We just laughed it off.

If you've been unable to visit for a while because of the virus, it's likely your recent "self" may have gotten lost. Try having a recent picture he can see each day, maybe several hung up in different parts of this room, so no matter where he looks he will see it, perhaps he will remember you. If he has a small album or wallet he can keep pics in, have some that size in those too.

If not, well, enjoy the visits as best you can. You KNOW it isn't deliberate, so don't let it hurt you. Just the fact that he longs for the "real" you tells you he loves you very much!! Others suggested you could be Ann's "friend", who she sent because she can't get time off work or something similar, and was worried about him. Fibs can help deflect his queries (she's working, under the weather, something that reassures him.) Send cards and letters often, so he knows you are out there and care! Promise in those to see him soon can reassure him, gives him hope, but his dementia will impact his sense of time and what he remembers. Some people get a call right after they visit asking when they're going to visit, they haven't seen you in a long time! Once you get past the intro and or excuses for Ann, then change the subject. Perhaps ask him about his "Ann", so you can hear all the stories he has about you!

It's tough, but again, you KNOW he certainly loves you!
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Sounds like his brain is catching up to all the months you couldn’t see him and he is still processing his feelings. Give him time and don’t take it personally. I’m sure there are thousands of folks in care who who never received an explanation about the loss of visits from relatives in a way that they could understand and process. Some homes took a perverse delight in being able to carry on without the scrutiny of visitors. You have no idea how much the residents have suffered with the belief that they were abandoned by their loved ones. Many residents would need to be told anew every day; some every hour. I doubt anyone took the trouble. Just be thankful your dad didn’t get the virus.

No longer being recognized is just part of cognitive decline. When my mother was in a nursing home, she never failed to recognize all of her kids, even at the last, but she told me herself that she could not remember her deceased husband of 55 years and thought she was still living in the home of her parents and remembered the address. Cognitive decline causes a “Swiss cheese” type of fluid memory loss that often changes from day to day. Other strange things happened. If my brother and I took Mama to a restaurant in the community, she would forget that she was in a nursing home and be upset that we had placed her there when we returned her to the facility. We would have to explain the whole thing again and then walk away. When we would return a day or two later, she would know where she was again.
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I was the lady who took care of him. This was the reality of my dads Alzheimer’s. One day after over a year of him not knowing who I was I got the gift of him calling me by my name, the remembrance didn’t last long but I treasured it. Try telling your dad that his daughter couldn’t come but sent you instead to make sure he was doing well. You can tell him that you have the same name as her. You could try writing a letter to read or you read to him if he has lost his ability to read. This way you can tell him that you love him and about things in your life. Just wait and be patient, one day a glimmer of you in his mind will make an appearance.
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Harpcat Nov 2020
Actually this is a good idea. One of the hardest things to make yourself do is to live in their reality and not yours. Yes you know your his daughter but you can't convince him of that. So I like what glendj wrote about saying his daughter loves him and couldn't come today. Or that she will be here next visit. It is not lying...its called a therapeutic fib. I used to write letters to my dad during lockdown.
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Keep telling him that his daughter loves him and will always be there for him. My mother no longer recognizes me as her daughter. I think she still recognizes me as someone she is familiar with. It was very difficult at first until I learned to accept her for the way she is. People with dementia eventually live in their own world and they can have good and bad days. I visit my mother as much for me as for her. I want to know that she is well cared for and even in her declining state I am happy to see her.
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My dad continues to think I’m his niece and now guardian??? I’m very sad also and don’t know what to do I can’t get any advice from anyone ? I will follow you and I hope we can get advice? My dad had a heart issue was fine in AUGUST now is stuck 40 years ago happened over night really! No LT homes available so he has been stuck in hospital settings since then ? I feel your pain
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wolflover451 Nov 2020
it sounds like some of the anesthesia has messed with his mind, it takes awhile for that to get out of your system, at any age.  Without knowing your fathers age, he might have the beginning stages of dementia.  If it continues you could ask to have someone check him to make sure nothing else going on that might have affected his brain function (heart issues? was it a blood clot, etc) might have had something to do with it, but I don't know for sure.  I hope you can find some answers, ask his doctor about it.  wishing you luck
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This happens to me now, on a regular basis. My mom thinks that I am "the other Andrea" or a nurse (she stays at my house), or some man. She thinks that other people are staying in the house (it's just me and her). Every time she does not recognize me, it feels like I am being stabbed.

When she does barely recognize me, she gets insulted and says, "Of course I know who you are."

I can't understand why she can remember the doctor that she just met only twice, why she can recognize relatives that she hasn't seen in years, why she can remember my sister, but she can't remember me.

I know that it is part of the disease, but it sucks.
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Broke my heart reading your post. I’d feel the same. Have you thought of taking some photos of you both together from over the year’s, and maybe it will help to jog his memories. Wish you all the best.
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sorry to hear how that upset you.  It's their mind and in one minute they are okay and the next is like they are in another world.  You might just say (even though hard), "well she has been really busy and I am sure she will get in touch with you real soon, so she sent me to keep you company today"......it may or may not work.  maybe you can ask him some things about way back in his time or when you were growing up (their long term is better than short term).  It doesn't work to argue or upset them because they will shut down.  So just "go with the flow" and tell him that you are visiting today and his daughter will come another day.  I hope the next time you visit he will recognize you.  wishing you luck
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Yes. Take on your next visit a photograph or two that has both of you, preferably fairly recent. Tell him when and where it/they were taken. If you still have what you wore in one, wear it. Let us know if this works
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This is hard, I know. Although my dad did know who I was he didn't understand why I "deserted" him during the lockdown. The last time I was able to visit was an outdoor visit and the ONLY words he would say to me were "I almost hate you". This from a dad who always said he loved me and appreciated all I'd done for him. So I knew it wasn't true but it still hurt to hear it. And then those being his last words before he took to the bed and died 2 weeks later.
You can't change what is going on in your dad's brain. It is a horrible disease that robs them of the joy of knowing family and thinking we are terrible. I'm sorry you have to hear that but it is nothing many haven't already heard.
Have you tried calling the local Alzheimer's Assn. and see if you can get involved in their support group?
Take care and cling to those good memories. Tell yourself..."this is not my dad" who knows and loves me.
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That has to be really hard. Remember, this is his dementia speaking to you that way. My guess is he remembers his daughter (you) a certain way, probably when you were lots younger. I like the idea of looking through photo albums with him, especially showing pictures of you and him together over the years. It sounds like your relationship with him has been very good over your life. Goid luck to you!
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My advice is to hang on to a special memory and relive it over and over again.

During the shutdown while visiting thru the window, my mother was obviously distraught because she thought my dad was having an affair with a younger woman. That woman was ME!!!! We never could get her to understand that I was her daughter and it was extremely upsetting for my father that he would be in tears. After visits were allowed, she recognized both my two sisters but never me. I am the only child that lives in town and that visits several times a week. I believe she looks at me as a nurse etc. However, just last week while feeding her between her semi consciousness, she opened her eyes while I was spooning food in her mouth and suddenly blurt out “Why it’s JANET!!!” ( That’s me). Later when my dad and I prepared to leave, we prayed over her and both kissed her goodbye on each cheek simultaneously. In that moment in her sleep she burst into the biggest most beautiful “Grinch” smile one had ever seen!! It was obvious that mom finally felt (at least at that moment) that she was not abandoned and she was pain free, comfortable, being taken care of, and most importantly, LOVED. That moment was a gift from God and THAT is what Dad and I cherish over and over again.

Focus on a wonderful memory and let the bad ones roll away. ❤️
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Oh my I am so sorry to hear that. I can imagine that happening with my father. It is heartbreaking. I too will look forward to more informative responses from others. I hope there is a way to help him see it is YOU. I have read that music reaches into dementia in a way other senses do not. Are there any songs that you sang together, or both loved and listened to together? You might try playing them and singing them when you are with him. Sending a virtual hug. -Rachel
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Juse keep reminding him that it is you and you love him and why you couldn't visit before.

Show him pictures of ya'll together.

Reminese about things ya'll use to do together.

Play music he use to like.

Let him smell familiar things.

Tall about things you remember growing up.
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Ann - Sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your Dad. I am going through the exact same thing with my wife who has Parkinson's dementia and was recently diagnosed with Capgras syndrome, which may be what your Dad has. Everything example you you stated has happened to me. I not only help my wife with her physical needs, but I have to deal with her thinking I'm a "friend" with the same name as her husband. She's told me that her husband lives in another city and rarely comes to visit her. It's heart breaking - we've been married over 46 years and for her to thinks I would abandon her just breaks my heart. I've been told that I have to go along with her delusions because arguing with her creates more stress and makes thing worse. The advice I have been getting is to make her feel safe and loved and that's the advice I have for you. I know it's hard and heartbreaking but there isn't anything else we can do. Med's might help a little, but once this thing has started, it won't be reversed. You may still get flashes from you dad where he knows who you are, but they don't last, and to be honest it can be even more painful. When my wife has these flashes of reality, she spends the time crying and asking me where I've been and why don't I stay with her. It's easier when she stays in her delusion, but I say that because I've been living with this for almost 3 years and I'm getting used to it. Hang in there and let your Dad know he's loved and safe.
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SeniorStruggles Nov 2020
Oh gosh, Jbird! Sending you a hug too. That sounds so difficult.
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Perhaps making a photo of yourself with audio can help him. Also your pictures if you and your family can help him recall past memories of you all and quell his fears/anxieties. Calling him so he can hear your voice and visit him regularly can aid his recall memory center better. Above all you Pray for strength wisdom courage and endurance to help you during this time. K.R. May Peace be with you!!
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disgustedtoo Nov 2020
Even better, make a phone video of "Ann", speaking directly to dad and show it to him on your phone. Ann's "friend" can tell dad that she has a special message from Ann. Ann can say "Hi dad, it's me, Ann! Sorry I can't be there today, but my friend is visiting you and bringing my greetings and love to you for me!!! Sorry I can't be there today with you but I will see you soon! Love You Dad!" Add to that whatever you want or feel might help him. If it works, make a new one for each time you visit, so he can see and hear from "Ann".
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Years ago,when I was taking care of my Grandma, I read a book by a nurse who was caring for her own Mom. In it, she described her method to "lead Mom's mind back to the present". She would start by asking her about childhood memories, since they seem to be strongest, even singing familiar nursery rhymes and the "Abc Song", then progress through " And where did you go to High School? Did you go to college? What was your school theme song? Did you date anyone special?" play the wedding march, then showed photos of Mom and new baby, more singing of lullabys and nursery rhymes, all the way up thru her own wedding, more photos, etc. It can take quite a while, but you can lead them back into their own head. A later recommendation that I saw was to actually make a computer slide show, with music and photos, to do the same thing, rather like the video that the girl watches daily at the end of " 50 first dates", to bring her up to speed on the reality that she is married, a mom with two kids, etc. It does not hurt to try...
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I would not fight it. Simply say "She is coming to visit you tomorrow." And then when you arrive say "Here I am. I heard you were asking about me. I'm your daughter (name.) I'm glad that you miss me. I miss you dad. Happy to be here now. How is your day? I did this today...(fill in info.)" Sometimes he may recognize you and sometimes not and other times, he will name you but not recognize. I'm sorry. It's not easy. But he cannot help it with a brain disorder such as dementia or alzheimer's. Arguing or insisting he understand will just heighten his anxiety and distress.
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Bring a small photo book of Dad's life with you in pictures with him from the time you were a baby through school, marriage and up to now. Happily go through these memories with him everytime you visit to reorient him. Maybe leave a copy in his room for when he is alone.
Words like, " I might have changed a bit since I was a little girl, but you haven't dad! Remember when... (something you and he did together... funny times..)
Repeat at beginning of each visit - a pleasant trip down memory lane.
All the best,
C
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Near the end of mom's life, it was clear that she was struggling to remember us (who visited her frequently). Sometimes, she would forget that dad had passed about 8 months previously. I found myself in a quandary as to how to deal with this. Go along with the delusion or set her straight. I tried to "go along with" only to get caught in the lie, when she asked me if I would visit dad before I went home, I said I might not have the time today, and asked why not, "He's right across the hall in the nursing home?" Yes, three years before, they had both been in the nursing home across the hall from one another. The jig was up! Those days when it seemed she didn't remember me but was happy all the same to visit, I would just reminisce and mention things, places and events that we shared. Often, she would eventually seem clearer and more comfortable. I would just aim for that. This chit chat would be while I gave her a manicure of some other enjoyable thing like sharing a piece of fudge or playing dominos. Try to find a way for your dad to enjoy your visit whether he remembers you or not, because those moments that are good are still a connection. I suspect the interruption in your visits due to Covid have complicated his memory issues. He must have missed your visits and that feeling still resides within him. As much as it hurts to hear him think this out loud, just try reframing it. I know it must have hurt to not seen your daughter for so long (affirmation), but I'm here now (loving assurance). Those reaffirming and loving words will over time help you as well as him. I also like Alva's idea of the memory book, or photos that you can reminisce over. The visual reminders are great. With mom, we had some favorite songs we would sing together to help underscore the familiar. I also provided prompts for mom and dad to share memories from their childhood or early adult life. Short-term retrieval may not work, but memories from long ago last longer. And write them down. Those memories they shared are precious to me now and provided a unique and previously not known part of their life which I will treasure always.
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So sorry you are experiencing this. Maybe create a memory book that logs your visits and your relationship. Then, you can "show" your dad how much you care for him and connect with him.
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CantDance Nov 2020
Taarna, I made a memory book for my mom. I document my visits (and enlist the cooperation of others for pictures), print out the pics and put them in an album with simple captions and dates, making sure to identify each occasion. Proof that she's not forgotten but loved.

Truthfully, I believe it helped her some. When I used to visit in her Memory Care unit, I would drag out the album and go over the pics with her. I think it helped me too. Good idea.
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My heart broke reading this 😔.

It made me remember a lady I met when volunteering in a NH. She had Alz & her son had come to visit. She called to me that "this man said he was her son & he was not!!" She had two photos in frames on her dresser. The sweet little blond boy with curls & a grown man. Only a small resemblemence to the (older) man now in the room.

I asked what her son looked like & she pointed to the sweet boy. Her son just laughed & told me some days that's him, some days the adult photo, some days she knew him instantly. He just went with whatever. So that day, he asked about her memories of that sweet boy & I left them to it.

My heart certainly goes out to you ❤️.
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