Follow
Share

People talke about putting parents in assistive living or nursing homes. How do they do it if parents do not want to go. My mother is still capable of making decissions. She has dementia which has caused aphasia. She has lost most of her capability to talk and writes notes but so far pays her own bills and such. The doctors are now saying she should not live alone but they say they cannot force her and want us to move her but how do we do this. I am her power of attorney but she is not imcompident. plus complication. One of my sister lived with her for awhile and verbably abused her. Mom made me promise she would not move back in. Now Mom is panicing and says my sister has changed (three month sense last fit) and wants her to move back in. I just do not know how to force her to go into the assistive Living apartment she put her name to get.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I am the Direstor of Admissions for a Retirement/Assisted Living/Memory Care community called Lake Forest Park in Ft. Pierce Florida. I have to work with this issue every day. For those of you wrestling with this serious issue, a few thoughts that may help: When our parents were young, there was no such thing as assisted living. Our elders stayed at home until the situation was a panic then were sent to a nursing home (SNF) where people were degraded, treated poorly and often abused. Is it any wonder they have this immage about assisted living? Also consider the shrinking world of our elders. First they lose a spouse, then the dog dies, then they are told that the home they have lived in for 20 years is no longer safe for them, then you take the car away, then the checkbook. Is it any wonder they fight so hard to maintain what they feel is their independance? You and I know this is wrong but it does not change what they believe. Please understand that they are quite literely afraid.

Make sure they visit the community and dine with and talk to the residents there; it will go a long way for their comfort level and you will learn quite a lot about the real story on the community you are considering.
The doctor idea is a GREAT one and can be very successful. Use it whenever possible.

When you speak to your parents about the concept of the move, try not to present it to them as something they must do for themselves. Telling Mom she has to move because she is incapable of self care will only get you a ton of push back. Instead, present it more like: "Mom, you and Dad have been making sacrafices and doing things for us kids your whole lives, and we love you and admire you for it. But, WE need to ask you to do one more thing for US, please make this move so we can stop worring.

I hope this is some small help to some of you.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

There are all kinds of assisted living places available. She could have her own room or share a room or there are even apartments available.
Our mother was diagnosed and then about six years into the disease I really had problems getting her to take her meds, bathe and she was dangerous. She would leave things on and walk around town whenever she had the chance. We wouldn't know where she was. Other people then saw that she was at a disadvantage and started taking advantage of her. She would walk to her bank and she withdrew over $6,000 in cash that she never knew what she did with the money.
Your loved one will never "want" to go to a facility. And it takes them a while to get accustomed to somewhere other than home. I started about a year before Mom got really bad and we would go and look at "Open Houses" and would attend activities that the different homes would open to the public.
She never, ever wanted to go. It was very difficult for a year. She accused me of stealing from her (but she accused everyone else also). She told me she hated me and when she looked at me, she really did hate me.
But the truth is, now she thinks as the nursing home as her home. She is not alone or isolated. The nurses know how to handle her when she doesn't want to take her meds or take a bath.
She rolled out of bed last year and fractured her back. This year she went into a comatose state because her heart was over worked because her thyroid was out of whack.
I always feel guilty that she is in the home and she has a way of even making me feel worse. But I know I can live with that guilt...I couldn't live with the guilt if she would die in my care because I didn't handle a situation correctly.
God Bless and write again soon....Sherri
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Sherri, you gave a very good answer, based on your own experience. You didn't ask for advice, but I feel compelled to offer some anyway: Lose the guilt. Guilt serves a very useful purpose and it should kick in when someone intentionally does something bad. People who cheat on their taxes should feel guilty. People who cheat on their spouses should feel guilty. People who push little old ladies down and steal their purses should feel guilty. People who make the best decisions they can out of love are not entitled to feel guilty. They didn't earn it and they don't deserve it. Please give yours up! :)
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Has her doctor told her what he told you about not needing to live alone? In my state, NC, I have heard of a doctor writing an order for a person to go to such a home and they went.

My mother was able to write checks for several years before her stroke which along with a broken hip forced her into a nursing home. However, the ability to write checks does not mean competency to handle one's business which she did not do for since all of this exploded I've been working with a CPA to file 6 years of past due taxes.

It will be much better for you and your relationship with your mother if someone else can help her see her need to go to assisted living. Otherwise, you will have to wait until she is willing or some crisis takes place like with my own mother.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hi - I totally agree with Crowmagnum...the fact that she is compitent right now, one does not know what will happen down the line, also inasmuch as the doctors think AL would be good for her, I am in agreement. Also you DO NOT want to wait for a crisis and then you will have not much choice, if any, in finding a facility for Mom....
I would check the different facilities, and get her on a waiting list...you can tell her that this is what the doctor has ordered, and ultimately it will be a sound move for everyone involved.

My own Mom was told by her doctor to make such a move, and coming from a person with a medical background-I was fortunate she went along with it.

AL is not the end of the world-and she will still be able to maintain some/ or most of her independance. She may even thrive with all the activities many of the AL facilities have to offer.

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It sounds like the doctor diagnosed your mom's dementia as being more than a caregiver for 5 hours a day is adequate for.

Now when you say you and your brother were summoned by the doctor, what was the reason for him summoning you. I've never heard of a doctor summoning someone. However, "He informed us that in the event we did not take care of this and place her in a facility, that he would report us for elder neglect." sounds very serious.

Does she qualify for Medicaid?

Has the doctor diagnosed her as incompetent?

Your POA alone will not give you the legal authority to place her like the doctors says she needs to be. To override her state of mind which sounds very demented, you or your brother will need to become her guardian. It sounds like her safety and care needs must be viewed as primary over what she wants.

She's at home alone for 19 hours of the 24 day in a deteriorating neighborhood with mobility problems, paranoid about her money yet spends more than she has. Her doctor sounds like she needs 24 hour care and your mother can't afford that. Your next step is apply for your mother to get Medicaid, search for a nursing home that takes medicaid, let the doctor know you are in the process of making plans and ask him to evaluate her for being competent or not for you will need that medical diagnosis and backing in going for guardianship.

BTW, what does your husband think about all of this?

Is padding your mother's bank account putting your own finances and retirement in jeopardy? I have heard of adult children spending all of their savings and retirement funds on their parents which means they are left with none.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I love the idea of having the doctor tell your mother and her learning that AL are far different that a nursing home. It's not the "Poor House" that so many are afraid of.

My overall approach in trying to influence people in a good direction is to find someone whom they respect greatly and discuss the concern with them. If they agree with me, I encourage them to discuss this with ___ in generalities or ask them if I have their permission to quote them to ___. For example, my mother greatly respects the opinion of the family lawyer. Her trust level of me is high enough that often I would share what ___ thought of ____ and she'd go alone because the lawyer thought it was a good idea. My mom's neurologist was so tactful that she never really grasped what he was saying to her about assisted living. So, quoting him never got us anywhere.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Norajune: It is your mother who has rights. Is she still legally competent to make her own decisions? (Dementia covers a large range of cognitive changes and not every one with that diagnosis would automatically be considered incompetent.) If she can legally make her own decisions, she can decide where she wants to live. She can also change her mind about who has POA. So, assuming she is still capable of deciding, what does Mother want?

You live too far away to take care of your mother where she is, but obviously you wouldn't be too far away if she lives with you! I don't understand your sisters' point. You live too far away from them?

It sounds like you also want to do this without causing divisions within the familly. Good for you! I wonder if a family meeting, perhaps conducted by an impartial outsider, would be a good idea. Including the brothers, and your mother, as well as you girls, in a discussion about what is the best long-term solution for Mother. This is not about which child is right, of what the children's rights are, it is about what is right for Mother.

One question -- the critical one right now -- is Where should Mother live? Close behind it is How will this be paid for? If she goes into AL, that comes out of her assets/income. If she goes to live with one of her children, there are also expenses that need to come out of her funds. For example, the primary caregiver absolutely needs some respite. Don't get into a position where you are the primary caregiver but you have to beg a POA sister to spend money for Mother's care while you take occasional time off.

My best wishes to you are you work this out. Please keep us informed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Be careful about forcing an elderly person to do something against their wishes. Coercion on an elderly can be deemed as a form of Elder Abuse especially if they have not been declared incompetent. My mother should have in home care or be in assisted living due to her declining physical health. She chooses not to so my hands are tied at the moment.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

have we as americans totally got lost along the way? both my parents got their final wishes to be at home to die , we had to alter our life styles but didnt think twice. they did it when we were born now we do it for them,
i'm going to get my friends mom home so she can be at peace and i'll change everything to do so. SHAME ON ANYONE WHO WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENT ESPECIALLY THEIR OWN CHILDREN.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter