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I have a mother who is 69 and able bodied, very healthy and was planning to work full time at least until her mid seventies. During Covid she lost her job and decided to go ahead and retire. We own the house she lives in and charge her way under market value. Even at what we charge her, it is still a stretch for her on a fixed income. We have decided to sell the home since we are moving. She is very upset, understandably. She could go back to work and afford to possibly buy the house herself. But she refuses to work, other than a few hours a week for a neighbor she helps with Alzheimer’s. Her family pays her cash. She is very healthy and now even helps aging neighbors who actually need it.
She is very upset with me and calling me ‘selfish’ because I am ‘kicking her out’ of her home. I have given her more than a year warning, this is not something imminent, giving her plenty of time to find other arrangements, decide if she wants to work or not etc.. We bought this home when my now deceased step father was terminally ill to move them closer to us so I could take care of him and she could continue to work. He was self employed most of his life and didn’t manage for his retirement very well, so there is little to no savings. She has gone through quite a bit of what she has just to stay in the home we own.
She wants to make absolutely no concessions in her lifestyle. We considered having her move in with us, but I don’t think that would be good for any of us. It would just be enabling her and pre-aging her and legitimizing her ‘old’ mindset and view of herself.
I have been her enabler, ‘rock’ and co-dependent for years. I have been doing a lot of healing, therapy and inner work and realizing this is not a healthy dynamic for either of us. She is not going to go willingly though, in fact kicking and screaming almost childlike. She seems to feel entitled to be treated like one of my actual children.
She has worked herself into a negative spiral of emotions and I think might be depressed now, but refusing to speak to anyone or go to any counseling. I have offered to help pay etc… Feeling conflicted, the people pleaser in me just wants to give in just to make peace again and or back track on my word. My sisters are both supportive and happy that I have finally taken a stand and asked our mom to be more independent and not rely on me so much. They feel she has manipulated me for years.
In just a few short weeks of conversations I have gone from being her ‘rock’ to self centered and uncaring in her eyes. I am very sad and worried, hoping we can get past this. At times I am believing her thoughts about me and doubting myself…
Any advice welcomed…

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Your mom is young and healthy and more than capable of moving forward in her life in what ever way she sees fit. I'm guessing that because she is 69 though that she like a lot of us as we age, doesn't like change, as it can be quite scary. And that's what you're seeing in her reactions to what is going on.
But in reality change is always good and is a constant in all of our lives, whether we like it or not.
So keep on with your plans of selling the house and DO NOT under any circumstances allow her to move in with you. You will certainly live to regret it if you do.
Your mom will be just fine once she gets used to the new changes in her life, so continue to stand your ground.
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Give her two options --

You're selling the house no matter what, so she can

1. Sign a lease at market rent that the new owner will have to honor (and she will, too), so she can stay in the house until the lease runs out, or

2. Move

It's always helpful to give people choices, so they feel more in control of their destiny.
(It also works with toddlers and keeps their tantrums to a minimum, too!😉)
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So your mother and stepfather lived somewhere else, she was working, he became ill, you bought a house nearer you and they moved into it so that she could continue to work while you looked after him (???), and they paid you an agreed amount of rent. When? How long has she lived in this house? When did he die?

What was her job?
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I think you need to do the looking for another place for her. There must be low income housing where u live. Check them out. In my area HUD offers apartments and the rent is on scale. So if her SS is $1000 a month, her rent is about $300. She can try for Medicaid Health as her suppliment. In my State it covers medical, prescriptions, dental and vision. My Mom was under a State prescription plan. There's food stamps if she qualifies.

So, if you charge her, then you are responsible for the taxes and upkeep? Right there is a good reason to sell, her rent is not covering your out of pocket. Your actually supporting her. Mom has to realize that it won't be long that you will be looking at retirement and Medicare. As middle aged people, you need to seriously look at your retirement. You need to put away as much as possible because of inflation.

I just ran into a friend whose Mom is going to be 90. She just stopped working and hates it.
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Mj,

The problem here may be is there is a written rental agreement. She did tell Mom a year ago she needed to find a place to live. Its one thing if the person is buying the property as a rental, then yes they have to honor the lease in place. But if buying to live in it? maybe a different scenario. I would not buy a home with a renter in it. There is no guarantee the renter will move out when the lease is up.

Maybe that is what OP will need to do, give Mom written notice that the house is being sold and she has a certain number of days to vacate. A house will sell better when no one is living there. If no lease, its usually 30 day notice, I think.
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Have her look for section 202 housing. Thee are a lot of nice places. (and some "just ok" ones so you kinda need to visit them - "just ok" might have the benfit of things in walking distance etc so best to look around). My mom sold her house to a sibling but stayed in it, regrets that now cause yeah, he sold it... It's like okay now years later we're all over that, but you're going to end up dealing with this one way or another while its happening. After that she rented a place and money was super-tight, then went to sec202. You need to apply now and there can be waiting lists for them. But once you're in one, you'll have neighbors inyour age range, sometimes they have small shops or whatever around, the rent scales based on expenses so if mom has a bad medical year one year where she has to pay out a lot of co-pays they will scale the rest for the next year etc to not pauper her. Also they organize stuff for ppl. Eventually it gets hard to keep track of yourself and they can help (witin the limits of "independent living" and some places will give a lot of asistance to keep ppl as independent as posible).

Also try to appeal to mom's helper side. Section 202 housing is full of a lot of ppl who can use a hand up. my mom dcid respite care during her pre-retirement life, and continued doing that sort of thing for neighbors into independent living housing. She would cook for ppl who were having serious health issues and had no close family that assisted, she'd keep an eye on people (she directly saved at least two people's lives), etc.

She might also be expecting back what she gives out. Shje needs "help" now and you're not giving it in her eyes which would make you seem uncaring. But she might not realize what she's currently asking is too much for your family to bear.

These situations are usually kind of rough. Good luck.
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Your mother enjoyed living a nice lifestyle because of the reduced rent you've charged her for the house. You can sell the property and don't owe her anything.
She's a senior brat and is really acting like one. As I see it, she has two choices:

1) Go back to work and buy the house herself (which would probably be a mistake at her age).

Or

2) Don't go back to work and move to a nice, affordable senior condo community. Enjoy retirement in good health. Maybe work a few easy care gigs paying in cash and take up a hobby with the money earned. Or join a 'silver' senior travel group. Go to Paris. Eat nice food. Drink good wine. Enjoy beautiful artwork.

Your mother is 69 years old, very healthy, and is retired.
The world is her oyster. She should be enjoying it, instead of spiting you with her co-dependent and gaslighting nonsense.
Her problems are not your responsibility. She is the cause of them, not you. At some point she is going to have to find a new place to live. Don't let it be with you. DO NOT move her in with you because you'll regret it.
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I feel your pain on dealing with our mom's being upset when we make decisions that are good for our future but make big changes in their world. My mom is adjusting to assisted living but is NOT happy about it. So, your mom is going to be upset. BUT you are doing what you need to do for your future and your retirement. Sorry mom but that's the way it's going to be.

Just curious - where are you moving? Locally or far away?

I agree with others that if mom has limited resources, she should go into government assisted over 55 housing. My MIL was in such an apartment and her only income was her meager SS check so she only paid $200/month in rent cuz that was literally all she could afford.

Not sure why you're waiting a year to put the house on the market? I'd pull the band-aid off and get her move sooner rather than later. Do some leg work and look at a couple of the apartments that could be feasible for her, take her to look at the top 2 and get her on the waiting list.

Good luck.
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Not going to be a popular answer, but everyone voting for mom to take a job: What do you think the actual prospects for employment for a 69-year old are? While it's possible she can find a job, it's also as likely that she may not find a job. How long do you think her good health will hold out? For 10 years? 20 years? It's unfortunate that she lost her job during Covid, but that's no one's fault. I know that there is thought on this board that we're not responsible for parents, but on a humane level, what about planning with her for a future? Her life has been turned upside down. She had to move, her spouse died, she lost her job and now as she turns "older" she's losing the roof over her head. While I don't believe that mom moving in with you is the way to go, there has to be a way to work on making her feel less "abandoned."
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NYDaughterInLaw Jan 2023
Yes, the prospects for a 69-year-old in the job market are extremely limited. For the last few years, as the economic downturn gained steam, I saw lots of old people working at my grocery store as cashiers. One old man is barely able to do the job but I will go on his line knowing that he needs to feel valued. Sometimes he has a bagger and, when he doesn't, I bag my own groceries because he can't do both like seasoned cashiers. I wonder what happened to him financially that brought him back into the workplace at his age (80-ish).
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When I was in my early 60s, I applied for quite a few jobs I was qualified for; I got call-backs for NONE of them. It was my age that was prohibitive, in reality. Your mother lost her job during Covid, so while she was 'planning to work until her mid-seventies', that opportunity flew the coop with the job she lost. The post Covid world is something entirely different now, so how exactly do you expect her to 'go get a job' at nearly SEVENTY YEARS OLD? Not likely to happen. I came here to write what Tynagh wrote, basically. While mom is 'able bodied and very healthy', she's also pushing 70 and not a young girl with endless energy & pep who can get up at 5:30 am to start a full time job & drive across town in the traffic to get to by 7 am every day. Let's face it. She's likely tired. And scared right now, as well.

You're calling your mother 'entitled' when she's now being expected to find a place to live AND a job to support some inflated rental price that she cannot afford. You're basically telling her she's on her own now, irritated that she's refused 'counseling' when, in reality, what is a counselor going to tell her? Go out and get a job? Or find HUD housing? Or do meditative breathing for an hour a day to calm down the fears you have at 69 years old that your life has been thrown a curve ball you have no idea how to overcome??? Of course she's depressed.......she has no idea what her default future looks like!

That's not to say you should move her in with you, or that you shouldn't move, just that you should see HER point of view and where she's at emotionally and realistically, so you can help her with this dilemma she's in.

Help your mother find suitable housing she can afford now, on her current income w/o having to find a job. Or, if she MUST find a job to stay afloat, help her find an at home desk job she can do while staying seated, where her age won't come into play. Help her get set up in said housing and/or a job before you move so that you know she's okay & not about to become homeless one day soon.

You are entitled to live the life you envision for yourself, and your mother is entitled to live a life she envisions for herself. Not one of 'luxury' and 'entitlement' where she sits on the sofa eating bon-bon's all day long, but one where she's not working until she's 80 years old just to pay rent & put food on the table. That's reasonable on BOTH of your parts. Sit down together and figure out how you can accomplish your goals and keep your relationship intact, without her calling you 'self-centered & uncaring' and you calling her 'entitled'. You can do it b/c there's love at the core of that relationship.

Best of luck.
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Fawnby Dec 2022
OP says mom is fit. There are some in my retirement community who do this for money. I'd say they are in their late sixties and seventies. Also my neighbors walk their own dogs, and I don't think any of them is under 70. One regularly walks past my house with her Grand Pyrenees. She has to drag him, he's pretty slow. Also plenty of petsitting elders who take care of cats and keep an eye on the house when the people are on vacation.
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I agree that finding a job is difficult for a 69-year-old. However, there are things she could do to earn money, such as driving elderly to appointments ($25 per hour), sitting with dementia patients ($25 per hour), dog-walking for those who are unable to get out anymore ($ no idea). I live in a retirement community and people here employ such assistants. One in particular has a nice little business going and it makes her happy to help those who need it. Remind mom that there's no free lunch, and it's up to her to buy the dessert.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2022
A nearly 70 year old 'walking dogs' to make $$? Yeah, I don't think so, sorry. When she falls & breaks a hip from dogs pulling on the leash, then the DD will be flying home to get her set up in rehab after the hospital.
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I had two things come to mind.

First, are you certain she is as healthy as you believe that she is such that working is truly realistic? Some people don't always tell their family everything and they are not obligated to disclose. Along that line, would you want her to be looking at re-joining her previous profession, and is it a physical job (i.e. bedside nursing, cleaning/maintenance, etc).

Second, I'd like to underscore what others mentioned about looking for work as an older person. I recently saw the resume online of someone from my past. She's got to be 80-ish years old and actively looking for work. She married DH #1 when she was practically a child herself and stayed home to raise the family. She was desperately unhappy if not also somewhat traumatized by her life with him. She went straight to DH #2 who lavished her with the care and understanding she had never had before. She didn't work during the 2nd marriage either, but I'd hesitate to call her entitled exactly... more like she was recovering from DH#1. She's on her own now... no money of her own, little to no SS, etc due to practically no work history. I hope someone is in her circle to at least bounce ideas around. I know that if someone would have told her younger self how, in the future, she'd end up a senior citizen looking for work and trying to survive... she would not have believed it.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@Mystery

You say about the 80-year old that she's on her own now.
If hubby #2 has died then his widow is collecting his full social security. Obviously it will be higher than hers. She collects his pension (if he had one) and is also covered by Medicare and whatever the secondary insurance was that her husband paid for since she was 65.
Did your friend and her husband survive on his retirement income together? My guess is they did. So if it was enough for both, it's enough for one.
If there was no need for her to even work during her marriage to husband #2, she has enough money now.
Do you know how social security works? Even if you're divorced from your spouse you collect their social security if you were married to them for at least ten years and they did not remarry and stay married for somone else for longer.
For example, I would be eligible to collect my first husband's social security when I turn 65 if I needed to. I don't because I was married to my second husband for longer and his will be a lot more. Even if we don't remarry I will be entitled to his so long as he doesn't remarry and even then he'd have to be married for longer than he was to me.
Seniors wanting to earn pin money so they can enjoy some quality of life is not the same thing as having to earn money otherwise you will be homeless in the street.
Big difference between the two.
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If this dynamic has been going on for years with your mother, you are not going to ‘talk her out of it’. You have enough on your plate talking yourself out of it. The year’s notice hasn’t worked, so action is the only thing left. Consider the following:

1) Give her legal notice to leave the house on a particular date. It’s necessary, you can’t just evict her without the correct legal steps.
2) Arrange to take a real estate agent through the house, and make any pre-sale suggestions.
3) Go through the house and make a list of the furniture that belongs to you. Decide what you are going to do with it when the house goes up for sale. Take it with you, sell it, give it to her, what?
4) Wherever she goes, it will be smaller, possibly only one room. What furniture can she take, and what will happen to the rest of it? What else will she need?
5) See if you can find out her income. Has she claimed all pensions etc that she is entitled to? How much rent can she afford? The usual rule of thumb is that rent shouldn’t be more than a third of income.
6) Talk it through with your supportive sisters. Ask one of them to come with you when you go to the house. You need support, then and there.
7) Forget about the job. Particularly with her attitude, she’s not going to get one.
8) If none of this works, rent her a small unit and take the necessary furniture to it. It won't be 'good enough', but she can look around for better herself.
9) Remove the bed and table from the house. It’s hard to stay without them.
10) Change the locks if necessary.

With any luck, you won’t need to go down the full list. The first 3 steps should do it. She will be furious, and you will be very upset. If you can think of a better approach, go for it! Otherwise, hope for the best in about a year’s time.

This has been yet another case where ‘no good deed goes unpunished’.
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If I was your Mother, having to get my head around my future, my finances, my housing needs - I would really appreciate some guidance.

I can understand though that fear, fear of change, fear of the future can hold people back. Sort of a denial I suppose.

Older single females are the fastest growing demographic at risk of home insecurity where I live. It is a serious matter & can bring on anxiety, depression & other negative health effects.

Are there Aging Advice Services in your area? Somewhere to start off to find more specific housing/financial advice?

Sitting down with an licenced Social Worker, experienced in elder issues, or a Counsellor trained in life stages could help your Mom imho. Having a professional to run through what her options are. Not want she wants so much, but what are realistic options. This gives her the dignity to choose the best option for herself.

She may not like any of her initial options! Eg move, downsize. But like many women I have talked to, once they fix on a plan, they start to look forward with more positivity. This start the process of adjustment.

Personally I have discussed issues with a councellor for women before & definately would again. I found it very useful. I hope your Mother can become open to new ideas too. The future can be scary - but also can be wonderful. (Especially with a smaller place to manage).
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I'm so sorry to see that your Mom had lost her job from Crazy Covid and now has to move from lack of income. So much to go through at age 69. Tell your mom that 69 is still young! Why dies she refuse work? Perhaps counseling will help her cope.

Try again to help her seek real work for some real income, even at minimum wage. What kind of a job did she work with and how long with the employer? If she decides to seek work, she can apply for unemployment insurance but may no longer receive special pandemic payments along with regular UI.

Unfortunately, age discrimination does exist when applying for jobs. For example, an employer will say to apply for work if less than 4 years experience in that field, such as clerical. I have even seen that interested applicants must live in a certain zip code area for a recycling job!

What about modified warehouse or store processing work, such as at a Goodwill for donations?? They are now rehiring with Covid modifications, including wearing masks with social distancing. It can be tasks with tagging, hanging items or hanger assembly where your Mom can even be seated to work. However, it requires that the employee be at work around 7 a.m. Could your mom get up that early on cold mornings to commute to the employer?

What about some remote work for some income to supplement her retirement benefits? Yes, she should try for some income to save maybe for a year or two. Save for some fun!!
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@Patathome

Please. The woman is 69 years old. No one should still have to work at that age.
The OP's mother has some form of income. Either it's social security, a pension, whatever. Medicare too. If she's low enough income she won't even have to pay for a secondary insurance because Medicaid will cover that. She's over 65. There are resources out there for seniors 'on a fixed income'. People never hear the end of that complaint. So the OP or someone else can help her find a senior apartment where the rent is based on income. Look for listings online.
Working a job is supposed to be a choice for an old person not a necessity.
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why can't you keep the house and not have her move?
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Let her stay in the house Covid has wreaked havoc on so many lives . My son just got Covid for the Third time so No Christmas for us this year . 69 is not that young . Really after 62 life is Tougher . I would have some compassion - perhaps she can get fuel assistance or do small chores for you . Do you need the money that much ?
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Has mom considered researching subsidized senior housing? They are income based and will surround her with new social opportunities.
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69 is past the average retirement age. I don't know how easy it would be for your mom to go back to work in her field, depending on what that is, at 70. Unfortunately, there is a lot of ageism out there and supposedly we are headed towards a recession. Who knows, but it sounds like this is her home and one she took care of her husband in that has a lot of memories. If you are moving, she could feel abandoned. And if you sell her house on top of that, that could feel like even worse abandonment to her. If you could afford it, I'd say keep the house and let her stay. Once she hits her mid-seventies, she could develop a health issue or dementia very quickly (I've seen this in both my once extremely healthy parents). It sometimes only takes a few years for things to go downhill quickly.
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Your mom has lost a husband, her job and is now being told that she has to find somewhere else to live and navigate a move...that is a lot for anyone, let alone a 69 yr old. She also may be a little upset that you are moving away. Kudos to you for not charging mom "full market value" on the rent of your second home. Geez.

Can you find a little grace in your heart to understand why all of this might be overwhelming for her? Do you have to sell the home she resides in? If so, can you help your mom find a senior apartment or something of that nature before you move away? Then maybe she can create a network of friends so that she has some healthy socialization and someone she could call if she needs assistance. It doesn't sound like you or your sisters are wanting to be that "someone" for her.

There are obviously issues between you and your mom, so moving her in with you is a no go. I don't know exactly what you have been enabling all of these years, but your mom is reaching an age where she is going to need some assistance. At the very minimum, if you can find it in your heart, I suggest you help her find a great place to live and help her move.
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babsjvd Dec 2022
Nicely said and great advise..
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There are aspects of your relationship with your mother that resonates with me. i’m curious, by any chance are you the eldest daughter? if so, you may be experiencing symptoms often described as Eldest Daughter syndrome (it goes by many names).

Regarding the house situation. These past 3yrs have been very difficult on everyone, and even more so the older one is. Returning to work at her age needs to be something she decides. Sounds like she is discovering that she really enjoys helping others, even though she gets some cash compensation. Finding purpose after retiring, in her case forced retirement, can be a difficult transition. Finding alternate living accommodations can be extremely challenging, in my region of the world, it’s almost impossible for a single senior to find affordable unit. Buildings that specialize in senior rentals have 6+yr waiting list. I would implore you to assist your mother with finding alternate housing, and not just giving her 1yr notice.
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Can she rent a room out in the house to generate more rent to pay you? She is 69 she should be retired. That is awesome she works for neighbors and they pay cash. That work will keep her skills sharp. But pointing her to go get a job out there seems like a lot. If you can’t afford to keep the house .. it is what it is . Your other siblings should help u get her moved to senior housing to fit her budget.
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Retirement age , generally 65 , I believe 70 is full SS benefits. I am 66 and retired. Could I get a job ? Sure.. but there is no way I would make enough money to make a go of it .. I’m married.. what kind of job is your mom qualified for? Who would hire her other than McDonald’s? Truthfully, I don’t think it’s realistic that she should get a job at her age…

Does your mom have 401 money? What income does she have ? My mom didn’t have a lot of income . Certainly not enough to pay rent and live on her own. When I attempted moving her near me, I found low income housing for seniors thru the county. Ultimately she refused to move. Back to your moms savings … I would research a place for her, have her use her retirement monies, if she has some, or help her find low income housing. Your mom may be at a loss of what to do.

all of this , not knowing her future, or what to do is so stressful, Im sure … which equals the rebellion and anger your getting.

I wish you luck with trying to help her make changes. My mom was very stubborn and did what was comfortable for her, not what she needed to do.
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She may need to look into low cost housing options she can afford at a cost similar to what she now pays you. A low cost senior apt if she qualifies or renting a room in someone's home or a roommate for a larger space. She may not like those options--neither would I. But if she has only a fixed amount of money available, she will have to decide where to use it.
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schwester Dec 2022
Low cost senior apts. have LONG waiting lists.
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There must be some Aging Agency near you. Why not speak to them and have them assess your Mom, they can inform you of housing choices She sounds scared of the changes you are planning. Not unusual, some real alternatives might reassure her. She has time to visit them and decide. You have made the decision best for you in your mind. It is hard to determine how capable she actually is, and I would not assume she can find an actual job that will support herself at this time. Most of the jobs someone like her can pick up in our area aren't sufficient to be self-supporting. Good for extra money and activity mainly. If you have made your decision, you need to move on to helping her find another arrangement. Don't expect her to be appreciative though, not now, maybe not forever.
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Of course, your mother is not doing anything – – I bet she's frozen with fear. She is facing homelessness. All these recommendations on this forum to get section 8 housing and section 202 housing and various other resources are wonderful opportunities, but they usually take years to happen. The waiting list for these opportunities are years long. it's also very difficult to get into Medicaid senior housing. Your mother has to spend down her assets in a way that Medicaid accepts.. She can't just give money to people. Medicaid looks back five years.

You've been very generous in providing your mother and stepfather with a home to live in at below market rents. But as you stated, your mother is stretched financially to live at below market rent. What were your plans and intentions when you moved your stepfather and mother in? What was your mother's understanding when they moved in? Did you provide any kind of termination agreement or expectations? Your mother may have thought that she had the house for the rest of her life.

While your mother may seem healthy at 69, I'm younger than your mother and I'm seeing friends drop. I am amazed at how many people from my high school class have died and I am amazed at how many of my college buddies have serious or terminal illnesses. Once the body hits the 60s, it declines rapidly. There is a reason why age 65 is considered the retirement age. People are now starting to work until 70 because medical advances have given us opportunity, but not many people are working after 70 unless they have to. Furthermore, finding a job at age 69, is very, very difficult. I know this for a fact. I lost my career as a corporate director because I was forced to take care of my parents and sister with autism. I got back out into the working world in my late 50s and I have not been able to find a job that gives me even a quarter of the responsibility or the quarter of the pay.

Your mother has a very tough road ahead of her and a very scary one. She is fortunate to have a daughter who has looked out for her and given her the opportunity to live in a decent place at a decent rent. She still needs her daughter and her other daughters as she transitions into a new life. This is the time to hold her hand and help her move forward. Help her find a new home and help her find a job. She is clearly overwhelmed by the prospect in front of her, It is obvious you love your mother and you are torn between your own family's needs and your mother's needs. Giving her a deadline is not going to work. Give her the help she needs, and both of you will find much greater peace.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2022
M is not 'facing homelessness'. She's been asked to downsize. At 69 or thereabouts, it's absolutely normal.
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So, if Mom IS healthy and able bodied, you potentially have 20 years or longer for her to remain on this earth.

Is this a home she can age in place? Is everything on one level? Can it be navigated with a walker of wheelchair?

I’m not trying to imply that you’re made of money, but you may be better off finding/buying mom a different place to live. 55+ condos are popular in my area. No yardwork, no stairs, frequently an elevator and they are cheaper than a house.

But, there’s often no pets or smoking allowed. Not sure if that’s an issue.

I have the same thing in my area. The going rate for non medical dementia companions, errand runners is $25+ an hour, cash. Truly, I’d love to stumble into a gig like that.

I’m not sure what the housing market is like in your area. If your Mom can maintain the house and yard physically, it might be in your best interest to charge her just enough to cover mortgage, property taxes, insurance and just $100-200 more to cover maintenance. I know, I know, it is below market value, but it might give her 18-24 months to decide her next move.

Sigh…..and then it might just enable her to stay where she is and deny that she is a drain on you. Be prepared for the “I raised you for 18 years and took care of all your wants and needs - now you can do the same for me” discussion.
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To me this sounds like a woman who is used to others taking care of her. Neither her husband or she had a plan for their golden years except "live off the kids". While I understand this is overwhelming for her, I don't have a lot of sympathy for her. I assume the OP NEEDS to sell the house in order to move. She gave her mom a years' notice. In a compromise I would suggest help looking for senior apartments for her and maybe subsidize her rent for several months with the clear understanding that there is an end date to this financial help. The most important thing is to get her untangled from your own finances.
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This is your mother you are doing this too! It's bad enough when a stranger tries to throw you out of your home after a job loss. It doesn't sound like you are hurting for money. Give your mom a break!!! It sounds like she IS working providing care for a neighbor.

Your mother is NOT being unreasonable. She should get more money when she turns 70 from Soc. Sec. If it is your intention to raise her rent, then wait a little while. It is CRUEL to do this to your mom right now. You wait until she is down to threaten her with becoming homeless.

Put yourself in her place. What if your husband died and you lost your job. I bet your mom would do everything she could to help.
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Hothouseflower Dec 2022
Thus is a good example of why not
to have your mom move in. There is an expectation of constancy and the idea that the daughter should sacrifice her needs on the alter of her mother’s whims and that she should not do what she wants to do.

By today’s standards the mom is not old. She is still young enough to work, she can get herself a part time job. She is in good health apparently. She is not an octogenarian which would be a different story.

Mom should figure it out and let her daughter live her life.
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I live in New Jersey and there are government affordable housing for people of different income brackets through HUD. You should check your state’s website to see if they have this program that your mother could benefit from. Your post indicates that your mother has limited income and along with the affordable housing she could qualify for other social service help like paying for gas and electric, etc. that’s available through your state.

Hope you find a peaceful solution ASAP that will be satisfactory for both you and your mother.
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Tynagh Dec 2022
Hi Duped,
While there are opportunities for affordable housing, those opportunities are limited and often applicants have to wait a long time before being placed. It's a good idea to look into them and apply for them, but it may be a while and the OP sounds as if she is seeking a quick solution (although it's a good idea to apply for all affordable housing).
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