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My wife (69 early onset dementia) is showing very odd behaviors which have increased in intensity recently. Here are some examples:
-- She hallucinates there are people outside who need to be let into our house. On three occasions she has tried to go outside to let these people in. If I try to convince her that it is too cold for anyone to be out, she becomes agitated and violent. She has hit me with her fist on two occasions. I am installing double deadbolts on three of the doors that lead outside so she cannot get out. I worry she will react violently when she finds she can't open doors due to the deadbolts.
-- With the threat that she might leave, I am afraid to fall asleep, so I am exhausted most of the time.
-- She constantly invents stories about her past with people and places and events that do not exist or never happened. This can happen at any time of the day. She claims her mother was murdered, she was raised by someone who was blind, someone is trying to kill her, she is blind and etc.
-- She tried to leave the car while it was moving because I would not turn around and give two people a ride that she made up a story about. When I pressed the auto locks on the car she got mad and hit me in the side.
-- She threatened my son and I with a knife (I thought I had removed all sharp objects). She said she would cut me. She put the knife down after I told her I would call the police and that they would take her away.
-- She will suddenly get up and start talking very fast, sometimes hyperventilating, saying that we must leave immediately. I say where are we going? And she says she already told me - not true. She says if we don't leave she'll drive the car herself or she will puke or get hives. She has also told my son that they have to leave because I am going to kill everyone.
-- She has refused to get out of the car after we return home, but eventually complies. I worry that she will refuse to come in when it is cold out. I cannot carry her. What would I do?
-- Within the last month, when she is in the car or watching TV I often see her moving her lips and whispering as though she is having a conversation with someone.
-- She seems obsessed with eating sweet foods (not good for a diabetic). For the first time I have had to hide anything sweet or she will eat all of it.
-- When she wants ice cream she will claim that she hasn't had anything to eat for 21 days or 3 months, etc. As with most things, you don't dare say "but you have already eaten twice today.” She will get angry and sometimes violent.
-- She has accused me of having women in the house.
-- She gets up in the middle of the night and tells me that the house is full of children.
She had a UTI the week of Jan. 17 (last week). The diagnosis had to be based on behavior and urine odor because she refused to give a urine sample. After a three day course if Cipro, her behaviors have not improved.
She has had a history of refusing to do things such as bathing, washing hands with soap, eating properly, change clothes, brush teeth, etc. She smells terrible but doesn’t care. Doctors and family members have told her that she risks infections, but it doesn't do any good.
I am afraid of her. I am afraid she will go outside when it is 20 degrees, harm me, harm our son, or our little Yorkie dog. What should I do? Do I try to take her to the ER? Do I call 911 and have them take her to the ER? What will happens then? I doubt I could get her to go to a doctor. Our son is staying with us to help with this situation, but I fear for his safety. Two people have to be with my wife at all times.
I hope you won’t think I am cruel, but I don’t want her in the house. Her behaviors are so erratic, aggressive, and sometimes violent that I do not feel safe in my own home.
Help, please. Exhausted.

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Creque, welcome! Deep breaths!

Yes, call 911. Your dear wife desperately needs to be admitted to a psychiatric unit to get her on meds that will diminish her paranoia, fear and agitation. Poor woman! It must be hell inside her brain right now.

As much as you want to help her yourself, right now she needs meds and they need to be trialed in a controlled environment.

My aunt went through this with my dear uncle. He was beating her black and blue to get the keys to the deadbolts.

He was admitted to a wonderful memory care facility where he did well. Unfortunately, she died of a heart attack shortly thereafter, no doubt in part from the stress she'd been under.

Get your wife the help she needs.
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First I will say that only 3 days on an antibiotic is not long enough to clear up a UTI, and sometimes it takes more than one round of them, but honestly she has way more issues than just a UTI.
Next time she gets violent do call 911 and let them take her to the ER, at which time then you can let them know that she cannot return home as you can no longer care for her there and that you do not feel safe with her there. It will be at that point that the hospital social worker will have to find the appropriate facility to have her placed in.
It's exhausting I know, but you are now to the point where you have to do not only what is best for her but also for yourself as well.
I wish you the very best.
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Your wife is in an advanced stage of dementia. She is beyond help and no longer belongs at home. Worse things are about to come, She needs to be placed in a facility.
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Does your wife see a neurologist? If so you need to tell him/her about her violent behaviour. And do not sugarcoat it. Tell him you are afraid to sleep. You r afraid of her. Maybe he can have her admitted for a evaluation. But even if she gets on the appropriate meds, you need to place her. She needs more care than you can give her. When calling 911 and the police come, make sure they r aware they r dealing with a violent person with Dementia. That she has caused harm to you before and pulled a knife on son. That she is a danger to you and herself. That she cannot return to your home. She needs to be Baker acted.

"The Baker Act is a law that enables families and loved ones to provide emergency mental health services and temporary detention for people who are impaired because of their mental illness, and who are unable to determine their needs for treatment."

Talk to an Elder lawyer about splitting your assets. Medicaid allows this. Her split is used for her care, when almost gone, you apply for Medicaid to help pay for her care. Your monthly income, SS and any pension that is hers, will be looked at to see how much or all of it goes to you to pay for living expenses. You become the Community Spouse, stay in the home and get one car.
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Dear Creque,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand your situation well as my husband developed early onset Alzheimer's and experienced a lot of bizarre, psychotic, and violent behaviors, too. I had to sometimes lock myself in a room until it was safe to come out. The behavior was completely uncharacteristic of who he was--the most compassionate, patient, kind, and caring man I'd ever known. The behaviors were frightening and unsafe for both of us.
On a particularly bad evening, exasperated I called 911 for help. When the police arrived I let them know he had dementia and they were thankfully patient with him as he was taken from our home and taken to ER. In our state, a person has to go to ER before being transferred to a psych bed. We were fortunate that he got a bed at a hospital unit that specifically served geriatric patients with dementia. He was there for two weeks while the psychiatrist identified the right medication to address the behavior. For my DH, Seroquel and an antidepressant, Lexapro, completely resolved the behavior. He was able to return home and he has been home with me ever since. That was in December 2018. My husband is in the latter stage of the disease now. While it has been hard to see him decline and lose the ability to speak, walk unassisted, and feed himself, I am extraordinarily grateful for the time we have had together. Nothing has given me more joy than sitting on our deck, holding his hand and feeling the warmth of the sun or seeing him smile.
I pray that life gets better for you and your wife.
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Clairesmum Jan 2022
so glad that the health care system worked for you and DH. Hoping that the man who posted this question had the same results.
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I moved my folks into a senior apartment. My mother had vascular dementia and my father a Parkinson's plus disease. My mother thought my father was a strange man and thought knives would protect her. At two in the morning Pa would call me, afraid. Fortunately, I lived near and would hurry over. I got my father out of her sight and sat with her until I could get her to take a Risperdal tablet. After a while things would calm down and I could leave. Mother didn't have much use for me but perhaps she could accept a stranger.
FInally put her in a memory home. Pa didn't want to but he was failing. She was killing my father and your wife will kill you, even if not directly, believe me. I am so sorry.
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Look up the side effects of Cipro.
Not the best antibiotic for a senior with a UTI.

You need to get the proper treatment for the UTI, then be sure it has cleared, because a UTI in the elderly has extreme behavioral symptoms.

Can you try an Urgent Care near you?
For the UTI.
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I am so sorry you have to deal with all of that especially when you know that had never been a personality trait of theirs. Keep doing the best that you can. Continue on this blog, it will help you keep your sanity.
My Dad went through alot of what you are dealing with now. Though Dad was diagnosed with Alz 10 years before he passed, he started developing his aggression 3-4 years before. It was scary but I was determined to have him at home. The doctor perscribed Lorazepam for the times he was aggressive and combative. I would crush it and put in some apple sauce. It did help.
I also was treating my Dad the last year or so with UTIs. At the time, I didn't realize his kidneys were failing which is common at the end of life.
You should speak to her doctor about getting a complete UA. There may be something going on there.
Please hide knives, bats, lamps, etc that could b used as a weapon. Put locks on all the doors and keep the window curtains closed.
If you can, get some help even for a little break.
Noone knows what u are going though except you. Please don't feel bad if u decide to put her in a home. Your Son needs you and your wife would probably agree. GOD BLESS! ❤
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cherokeegrrl54 Jan 2022
This woman needs to be in a locked unit memory care ASAP, before she kills her husband, son or anyone else! Sometimes that’s all we can do…..
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Creque, how are things going?
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Check out Teepasnow.com Her organization has been extremely helpful to me as I have worked through elder care for my 90 yo dad with dementia. He is now in AL memory care and it has been such a relief for me. You can talk to a trained expert (in dementia care therapy) for 30 minutes free, after that it’s still very reasonable - $45-$50 dollars an hour for consultation. Learned more from this website than I have from anything else I have seen or read on dementia. They are very understanding and they know how to help when you are in crisis mode, as I imagine you probably are right now. You will not only get help navigating your current situation, you will also receive guidance regarding ways to get an accurate diagnosis for dementia type, and once you know her diagnosis, ways to “be” with her as a family caregiver and provide the love she still needs in her compromised condition.
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I would take her to a neurologist - she needs and MRI - she needs medication - there are definitely medications that can very much calm her down. It sounds sadly like it might be time to look at placing her somewhere where she can have 24 hour a day medical care (it sounds like she needs it). I am so very sorry - this is so very tough. My family is dealing with now it’s third generation of this - hang in there. Please don’t forget to seek God every day and ask for his help and surround yourself with a caring community.
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duplicate
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My mom was on hospice care and that was her behavior several months before passing. I suggested several times that she needed to be checked for UTI but I was ignored. After all, what does a daughter five hours away with no medical background know? Sigh.

Mom destroyed her beautiful Christmas cactus -- chopped it to shreds. Even chopped up the metal stand it was on. Pushed uncooked Ramen noodles down the drain and then poured boiling water down the drain because she wanted to "break the plumbing" (her words). Covered the floors in the house with scotch tape. Covered herself with scotch tape. Just a few examples.

She yelled at dad constantly, threw things, and finally a hospice nurse decided to send her to emergency respite. That quickly ended when she grabbed a can of bug spray and sprayed my dad and the nurse in the face. They called 911, dad picked up mom from the ER the next morning. A test for UTI was done then. Two days later, hospice nurse visited to find mom outside naked standing in the road yelling at passing vehicles. (Dad at that point was pretty much hiding in his room, avoiding her.) Another trip to the ER. UTI confirmed, they started her on IV antibioltics, dad picked her up the next morning.

She refused the antibiotics at home. She spent a day spreading feces all over the house, locked herself in the bathroom and clogged the toilet with anything she could find. Dad had to have a neighbor couple come and help him get the door off and mom cleaned up. That night he awoke to her standing over him with a large knife saying, "Everyone has to die sometime. It's your time." He got the knife away, and called 911. When they told him to come pick her up the next day, he told them, based on advice received here on this forum, that it would be an unsafe discharge, he could not take care of her and she was was a danger to herself and to him. She went to a psych facility, back to the hospital, back to the psyche facility, then to a nursing home where she passed a few days later.

Her UTI was never treated. Docs claimed she had a stroke and vascular dementia although we never saw signs of either before the erratic behavior began. And I never saw any tests to show that she had a stroke (although she'd had a history of them and never fully recovered physically from one several years prior).

All that to say that others have been through what you are experiencing. Listen to advice here. The only reliable test for UTI is a two-day culture and CIPRO is not the drug of choice, nor was your wife on it long enough.

I hope you can sort it all out for you wife. I'm glad your son is with you and you don't have to carry all this alone. Do push to get her the medical care she needs, don't let them release her back home until she has that care. For my mom, it was too late, but maybe you still have time.
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Helenn Jan 2022
Although UTI’s can make dementia
worse … it doesn’t cause these behaviours … without a lot of dementia to start with …
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My father-in-law recently displayed several of the symptoms you’re talking of including the violent behavior the speaking to people who are not there the argumentative attitude. We were able to get him checked into a hospital where he then went to a rehab Center. It took almost 6 weeks of being on an antipsychotic to bring him back to normal behavior, but as a result he is now in an assisted living facility. Please don’t feel guilty my husband and I have spoken about this on numerous occasions you need to do it’s best for you and the safety of you your remaining family and your dog. Dad has now been in his assisted living facility for several months and not only has lost 50 pounds but also has made several new friends and is getting around better than ever. I wish you the best of luck it’s a hard place to be in
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My advice to you is find a therapist or psychologist. She’s not safe to remain inside your home with your son. She must be evaluated immediately. I have a spouse with similar conditions, nothing on this level. Get her the help she needs.
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She needs no additional evaluations or new therapies. Her Alzheimer's is just advancing into its next level as expected. This means that she is no longer appropriate for being cared at home. She needs to be institutionalized.
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Please take your wife to an ER for an involuntary admission. She might have an infection. imbalances in her blood chemistry, a stroke... but she definitely is having huge anxiety attacks. The fact that she is violent is the reason for the involuntary admission. Let the professionals evaluate and treat her. She will probably need psychoactive medications to calm her intense anxiety so she won't feel the need for "flight or fight".
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Like many people here, I have been in your boat, at least partially. My mom, with Alzheimer's, had illusions, delusions, auditory and visual hallucination, temper tantrums, conversations with people on TV, (she was sometimes nicer to them than she was to me), etc. I learned, over time, that it was sometimes a trial and error experience regarding which doctors would help, and which wouldn't, what strategies would work with her and which wouldn't, which medications would work, etc. Sometimes this can involve a cadre of doctors, maybe an internist and a geriatric psychologist or psychiatrist, a neurologist, etc. For my mom, less medicine was more helpful than more medicine, but everyone's body will respond differently to medical interventions, and my mom had always been sensitive to meds. My mom's behavior could be erratic: she could be calm one minute and agitated the next, over nothing. I, too, had to make sure she was dressed properly for the weather. I have no suggestions other than what other people have said. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this caregiving situation. As some know,It was bad enough that my mom was losing her mind, I found that writing and exercising (usually walking, often chasing her down the street, since she would wander), kept my mind and body intact. Maybe you could contact your local area on aging, AARP, and/or the Alzheimer's Association (www.alz.org, I think), to see if they have other suggestions and/or resources.
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It’s time to place her in a memory unit.
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Hello,
First thing I would do is have your wife evaluated, sounds like she might have alzheimer's.
Some times they have hallucinations and they have behavior changes and every person is different to how they have it.... Some people are sweet and some people get mean and in-between.
If it is that or not the Doctor can do some testing and maybe get her on some meds to calm her down so her behavior is not so thrown off.
It will be peace of mind for you.
Sounds like you are probably a little afraid of the behavior coming out.
You have to get her diagnoised though it is the only way you are going to find out what is going on.
If you have a psythiatric evaluation they usually keep them for 3 days and run test on the person.
I would start there.
Good luck, and please let us know how she is doing.
Wish the best for you and your family.
Pray as well, take it to God......
God Bless
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First of all, beware of Cipro as it can cripple some people, speaking from experience after only 3 pills. that class of antibiotic should ONLY be used as a Last Resort, when all else has failed. Second, without even reading other posts it is clear to me you and your son ARE in danger so you simply must contact your area agency on the aging for advice. I have heard that early onset Alzheimer's sufferers do tend to be come highly combative/aggressive and do pose a danger to others.
Please tap into all possible resources and realize placement of your wife may be the only safe option for her and your family. You are not cruel; you clearly care about your wife and now you must do what is necessary since her brain has been hijacked by a cruel disease. All the best for all concerned.
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I am having the same issues yet not quite to that extent. My husband was diagnosed with dementia at 55 and is now 63. He gets aggressive especially at night. I learned it’s part of the illness called “sun downing”. I live alone with him- our families are no help . They also are hoping he will pass so they can get money. I have locks on everything to secure food- he will get up while I am sleeping and eat everything and he steals from neighbors patios/cars when he goes for a walk. I stopped letting him go out alone and he is angry. I installed an alarm system so if he leaves his bedroom at night or when I have to run errands it will sound a loud alarm and notify me and the police. I, like you, wish he didn’t live with me. I am a prisoner in my own home and while I am blessed to still be working at age 64, I have no life outside of my work. And I work from home so very little in person interaction with normal people. Free to talk via text if you want. 832-849-5422. Sad & lonely but devoted wife. Cher
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Debstarr53 Jan 2022
If he has money, why not get him into memory care? He is a danger to you and himself.
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So many cites of assault and danger in the home to you other occupants. This cannot go on for your own health and safety. Place her in an appropriate facility ASAP. Easier said than done, unfortunately. Social services may not be as effective as the case requires. But it sounds as if you need protective services for yourselves for as long as this situation continues.
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You didn't say if she has been diagnosed with a specific type of dementia....but she may have one of the non Alzheimer's types (Lewy body, front-temporal dementia) given her relatively young age and the duration/intensity of her unsafe behaviors.
Can you make an appointment (even just for a phone call) with her primary MD? Or ask your own MD for help? An admission to a hospital with a geriatric psychiatric locked unit would be the safest place for her and the expertise to get treatment for behaviors. Then, discharge planning. You can choose to refuse to take her home, and that is not a failure on your part. Her disease is causing huge damage in her brain.
Alternatively call the local council on Aging and ask for the name and number for the Aging Services Access Point or protective services program. Protective services can help to get her transported to the hospital due to dangerousness to self and others. She can't help what she is doing.
All of you are in a scary, confusing situation. I hope you are all able to get the help that is needed.
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Yes, please call 911. I was dealing with a very similar situation with my husband. He was seeing people who just were not there. He'd carry on a conversation with them or try to fight with them. He'd swing a punch at them and when I asked what they would do, he said they'd duck. Now at this time he was still able to communicate with me. But he got worse. One day I came home to him on the floor and I had to call 911. He was sent to a nursing home because I just couldn't handle him. He had started getting violent too, and doing things that didn't make sense. And too he wasn't wanting to eat. Once they were able to get his medications straightened out and he started acting like he did before...though he did have some memory problems (he had developed dementia and had a couple of strokes as well)...I thought it would be great to take him back home again. He did great for about 3 months, but then he started getting violent again, but worse than before. He'd leave in the middle of the night and want to drive home....he WAS home. Early one morning I woke up to him grabbing at me, dragging me out of bed, getting ready to box me in my face. My husband is much larger than me and very strong. He was demanding that I get out of his house. I somehow talked him out of hitting me and I went outside...with our dogs. We had a couple of guns inside, though I'd hidden them. Anyway I called the police. They thankfully took him away to the hospital. That was last year and he's been in the hospital and a nursing home, back in the hospital again and soon to be back in the nursing home. I told them I will NOT have him back home again because I'm scared of him. Yes I love him, I adore him. This is a disease and he can't help this. Your wife is the same way. I know you love her dearly. But you HAVE to make sure both you and your child are safe.
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Sir, do not hesitate, get immediate help for yourself and for the situation. Pull in another friend or relative if necessary to help you make all the necessary phone calls. Contact the doctor, council on aging, and a few of the nearby Alzheimer facilities. There is no cruelty on your behalf at all! This is a dangerous situation and you need to keep yourself and your wife safe. The only way to do that is with the help of a trained staff and locked facility. I’ll pray for you. Please, do not hesitate. Take action.
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Cruel? YOU should not be in this situation regardless of how much you love her!! This type of violence has you, your son, your pet and the rest of the general public at high risk. What happens if she hits you while you are driving you lose control of the car and hit and injure an innocent bystander. Normally I would say contact her doctor but if they did a dx of the UTI without seeing her if fear that you may have the wrong doctor.
Call APS immediately and advise them of the situation (everything you recounted above). If they will not remove her because she is a danger to herself. You can call 911 and tell them your wife is violent, out of control and you are in fear for your life and your son's. I would suggest a trip to the ER but with covid restrictions raging they may not be as responsive as they normally would and the trip might put you and your son as risk -- however, if the 911 call doesn't work you may have to chance the ER. One thing is certain.... the trip to the ER will probably set her off and they will be able to see how bad she is. Chances are she will not get out of the car at the hospital... that's good drive right up to the ambulance entrance and run inside (take the keys) breathlessly tell them how terrified you are (not kidding here... used to do ER admit - ) you have to look like you are about to into cardiac arrest. Have your son look terrified too. Let him be heard begging your wife not to hit you anymore and get out of the car. Make sure they know that she hit you while your driving and that you almost lost control of the car, came close to crashing several times. Tell them she needs help and when they have her out of the car. Time to leave because unless she attempts to slug one of them (which I hope happens because that will definitely up their respons) they will most assuredly try to talk you into taking her back home with you. DON'T DO IT. The hospital can find placement for her in a psych ward where they can adjust meds and find a permanent placement for her . They may be able to somewhat adjust her behavior but dementia does not really get better.
Please keep us advised.
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Riley2166 Jan 2022
Bravo - go for it, no holds barred. Call the police, and if possible, get her to the hospital and plead fear of her and ask for help. LEAVE HER AND NEVER, EVER AGAIN TAKE HER HOME. When people act like this, as far as I am concerned, they no longer have rights to living at home and a normal life.
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A 72-Hour Psych Evaluation should be the priority when you call 911. You need to wait until she's severely paranoid or agitated so that the first responder can testify to what you and your wife are experiencing. If anyone is physically abused, I would call the police/sheriff and let him/her make the hospital arrangements (with the Covid situation, they probably won't take her to jail). Makes me wonder if victims can press charges anyway?

There are agencies to call: Adult Protective Services, Child Protective, Animal Abuse to your local Animal Shelter or call the Police Chief. When charges are brought, records are kept and then solutions can be demanded. Remember, as an adult, you, too, are entitled to protections.
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CREQUE??
The OP has not responded to his own question after some really good answers and ideas.
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You are NOT cruel or insensitive. What she is doing is horrible beyond belief and someone or something must be done at once to stop her in her tracks. Never, ever - no matter what - should this be tolerated. First, talk to a doctor if some medication would calm her down. Second, the minute she attacks anyone, call the 911 number for help that she has become violent and out of control and everyone fears for her safety. Hopefully, they will take her to the hospital. Once there, no matter what happens, NEVER, EVER AGAIN TAKE HER INTO YOUR HOME.....DISASTER AWAITS. She is gone and needs to be put into a facility - at once. Talk with an eldercare attorney for options, and taking legal responsibility for decisions, etc. and making sure paperwork is in order. Also call Adult Protective Services for help. She is clearly a definite threat to you and all in your home and is potentially dangerous and must be in a controlled environment - not in your home. Do NOT wait.
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