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I REALLY need your help!! My mother, who is now 95 years old, and in perfect mental capacity, is a longtime smoker. She lives in her own home, and orders her cigarettes via the internet. She's mobile enough to receive the FedEx delivery at the door! I am an only child, and live very, VERY close by! I go over every day to do all sorts of things in the house, the shopping, the laundry, the cleaning, taking out the trash, bringing in the mail, handling the commode, watering the plants, etc., etc., etc.......everything you can think of! I bring her dinner every night, either something that my husband and I have, or something that I cook especially for her. We have no other family within 500 miles! Of course, I drive her, in her own car, wherever she needs to go: doctors, dentist, etc., etc. When we are in her house, I never go into the room she is smoking in, but I can still smell it. With that background, let me present the specific issue: She smokes in the car, but never on the way to the doctors (she doesn't want them to smell the cigarette smoke on her, although they all know she smokes). But when leaving the doctor's office, she immediately lights up, and IT IS VERY UPSETTING TO ME! Of course, I open the window, but I'm still exposed to her secondhand smoke, and I'm REALLY WORRIED about that! We've talked about it, but to no avail. Last week, we had a TERRIBLE argument about the issue, and I am VERY SAD. More than that, I am quite angry. I asked her nicely to please wait until we arrived back at her house before having her cigarette, but she wouldn't do it. I asked her to smoke before we started out on the road (no more than a 30 minute ride), and I would wait outside the car until she finished. No, she wouldn't do that either. I offered to pull over and let her smoke, again while I waited outside. No dice! I cannot think of any other solution, other than to continue to let her treat me this way. I am really in terrible pain about this, and it is changing my feelings for my mother, something that I NEVER......NEVER in a million years, thought would happen. I've asked her nicely, and I've also become angry with her about the issue. I know that the latter will not help the situation, but I couldn't help it. I don't know what the solution might be, and I'm praying that someone out there can give me some guidance. I will NEVER, EVER abandon my mother, because I am her sole caregiver, but this is becoming quite serious, and I don't want her final days/years (or mine) to be marred by this problem. PLEASE HELP!!

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Me...either she agrees to not smoke in your car or I would have Uber or a Taxi take her to the doctor and other places.

You need to set some boundaries with her and enforce them.

My father died from second hand smoke, lung cancer, his wife refused to quit, she also died from a lung related disease.
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JoAnn29 Dec 2019
She drives her Moms car
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She doesn’t care if it hurts or bothers you. She sounds difficult and selfish. I agree that if she doesn’t have any gratitude or consideration for you in the car, then someone else will have to take her places.

She still sees you as a child who is trying to tell her mother what to do.
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I can think of several ways of dealing with this - the dangers of secondhand smoke are real!  Not something of aesthetic concern only. You need to take care of your health.  If your mother will not be reasonable, then resign as her caregiver!  For real!  Nicotine is very addictive, but that is her problem, not yours. I'd lay down the law - either meet my needs for health or arrange for other caregivers. Actually I dealt with this problem "by accident" as it were. One day I got really nauseated from the smoke - after that the smokers did not smoke when I was around.  You might try this at the doctor's office - grab a wastepaper basket and explain to the staff that "Sorry - my mom smokes like a chimney and it really makes we want to heave..."  Seriously, your mother is being very selfish and unreasonable and for the sake of your health, you need to deal some consequences.
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It's really unthinkable to me that you are doing all these enormous favors for your mother and here SHE is, refusing to not light up her cancer stick for 30 minutes, at YOUR request!!

It's okay for her not to smoke on her way to the doctor's office because God forbid the doctor smell smoke on her (oh please!), but it's not okay for her to wait 30 minutes to light up for YOUR sake? Come on

You know what, mother? Call a cab next time you need a ride. If she has zero respect for you, why are you jumping through fiery hoops to accommodate someone like that, regardless of who she is? Respect is a two way street, in my world.

Leave the number for the cab company on her fridge & wish her the best of luck. Tell her to call you when she's ready to treat you with the respect you deserve.
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And YOU getting out the car while she smokes inside of it will still expose YOU to the smoke when you get back in. If it is your car she should get out, not you. Maybe the weather will slow her roll if you present this to her. My MOther and hubs both smoke. I just got a new truck, I told them no smoking in the new ride, so I guess I'll be driving her about in her car! ( My hubs is on board with this.. he gets out) I have no idea how this play out for me on long trips,, sigh...
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When my Dad smoked, and he was a chain smoker, he had no concern for others. He went cold turkey at 65 because of a triple bypass and replaced valve. He was told he would ruin everything they had done if he kept smoking.

I know I will get flack here. I am not a smoker but I feel those that do feel entitled even with all the info out there. So, you may have to find another person to drive her.
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Jada824 Dec 2019
I don’t think that smokers feel entitled........it’s an addiction. Just so very hard to quit. I was a smoker for over 50 years & tried numerous ways to quit .........medications, hypnotism the patch you name it.

3 years ago my son took me to a vape shop & after a few months of trying different flavors I found one I liked.

Even when I did smoke I didn’t like the smell of it in a car or on peoples clothes. When I used to smoke I always cracked open the windows of the car to let the smoke out.

My Dad used to smoke cigars which I really don’t like but I enjoyed the time I spent with him & would just crack all the windows open. I never would have been able to tell him not to smoke in my car.
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Refuse to take her to the doctor. Let her Uber. If you want to join her, then meet her at the doctor’s office. That is the only way you will not be exposed to smoke.

Some smokers are considerate and will refrain from smoking. Most smokers are looking for their next fix. Nicotine is addictive. Hard core versus social smokers are simply hooked.
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Riverdale Dec 2019
Yes really what is the point of going to the doctor if she smokes so incessantly.
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find out what the hell she smokes ( 95 yrs old ) , i'll switch to it immediately .

nonsmokers dont have to be so uppity imo . my oldest son lives in what amounts to a dog kennel but he wouldnt think of having to suffer the smell of tobacco in his house .

yea , dog shat is so much more bearable ..
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Cap,

George Burns smoked inexpensive cigars daily and lived to be 100!

Hahaha, he balanced it out with a bowl of soup everyday for lunch.

So many people smoked years ago. It just became a part of their everyday life. I remember as a kid when people smoked in stores, banks, restaurants, airplanes, hospitals, anywhere!

Remember all of the old movie stars smoked, television stars too, Lucy and Ricky, even Andy Griffith smoked. I used to love seeing the ladies fancy cigarette holders, cigarette lighters and fancy cigarette cases. No Bic lighters back then!

Then people found out about cigarettes negatively effecting our health. Smoking was banned in many places and lots of people quit.
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I would pull over and exit the car. You don't need her permission to do this, you are driving.

For the house get a smokeless ashtray, they draw the smoke in and an air purifier. These will help with the 2nd hand smoke. You can buy candles that kill the odor and light those so the house doesn't smell like an ashtray.

She is not going to change, you have to do what you can to not breathe the smoke because it bothers you.

So next time, pull over and say we'll get back in motion when you have finished. Pull over every time.
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You can't make anyone stop smoking in their own home or car, of course. But you can change your behavior.  You set your boundaries, not ask her to please don't smoke in the car .. wherever.  If she asks why, tell her because you don't like it and it makes you physically sick.  Tell her to chew nicotine gum in the car (get some with her money), wait until she gets home to smoke, or smoke outside the car .. wherever.  If that doesn't work, tell her someone else will have to drive her wherever, even if that means hiring someone with her money (they probably wont let her smoke in car either so be sure to tell her that).  You can meet her at doctors, dentists if necessary, but don't ride together if she won't stop.

When you go to her home, wear a good mask from the hardware store.  Stop going over so often to help.  Look into hiring someone with her money to do most of what you do there, and you may want to tell cleaners/helpers that she smokes as they maybe want to wear a mask, too.

Get some smokeless ashtrays for home and car, too. Look to get air purifier/s and/or dehumidifier/s with easy throw away filters that aren't too expensive and that specifically get rid of smoke and smells.
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What do hotels do in the smoking rooms to get rid of the smoke smell? Do they use those smokeless ashtrays? Don’t they use sprays? Spray her car with a disinfectant.

Tell her, don’t ask, say that you will not allow her to light up. If she can’t wait until she gets home then call an Uber or taxi for her to get home.
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TNtechie Dec 2019
Sprays only cover the smell and do not diminish exposure to harmful chemicals at all.
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I smoke. And I do so almost everywhere that is still legal (and *try* to be as polite as possible, even there).

One legal place where I don't smoke? MY car. Sometimes I need to drive my FIL and other sensitive people around, and a smokey car just won't cut it.

You have *every* right to ask her not to light up while you're in the car with her - even though it's her car. Even when I had "smoking cars," I would refrain from smoking while driving certain folks, both before and after picking them up. (I'd clean out the ashtray, and drive over to them with windows down.)

That said ... after doctor visits, is there a way she can grab a smoke BEFORE you get back in the car? A way that works for *both* of you?
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When your mother lights up, pull over at the nearest safe place, switch off the engine, and get out of the car. Do not set off again until the car has had time to air.

Your mother can't force you to continue driving while she smokes, can she? So don't.

Don't plead, don't get angry, don't argue. Just do what you would do if some person you didn't know were so rude and inconsiderate as to smoke in a confined space.

But I'm curious - if your mother is 95 and you have been her sole caregiver for a long time, and she's smoked throughout, why has this only now become such a contentious issue for you? Has your own health taken a turn for a worse, or have you changed your own lifestyle, has anything made you less willing to tolerate her antisocial habit?
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Well... this appears to be some kind of control issue to me. If you are in a house, even if it's a different room of the house, while your mother smokes, you are exposed to the second hand smoke; same for the car with the window down. If fact, your exposure just being in a long term smoker's house is nearly as bad as as sitting beside someone as he/she smokes. After the fumigation at your mother's house, are you not aware you take the smoke with you on your clothes and skin and in your hair? Do you shower and change into clean clothes after visiting your mother? Considering exposure acceptable in your mother's house but not in your mother's car does not make logical sense. Does the heavier smell in the car make you more aware of it? Or is it just being closer to your mother in the confines of the car as she smokes?

Masks may filter out some particulate matter but not the fine micro particles most responsible for damaging the lungs.

Smoke bothers everyone, whether you realize it or not. Lung function testing has shown everyone has some drop in lung capacity immediately following smoke exposure, even smokers. How long and how great an impact depends primarily on lung health prior to exposure.
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