My mother is 94 and with waning cognitive and physical abilities. The problem is that she is a bit dramatic and depressed and over the years had acquired learned helplessness. She also second guesses everything I do and has done so for eternity. It's gotten under my skin to the point where it's become difficult for me to have a civil exchange with her. Oh, and did I mention we live together and we're entirely enmeshed? I just can't move her into a care facility yet because the guilt would literally destroy me. I work and have someone come in for part of the day to look after her. But really, any advice for keeping my cool? I am afraid of my temper just exploding.
There comes the time when it's time to walk away from caregiving and become an advocate for your "loved one".
Your temper will explode if the situation continues as it is now. You will also grow to resent and even hate your mother. I'm so sure that isn't what either of you wants.
Put your mother into care or it will happen. A therapist can help you work through the feelings of guilt.
Guilt is for criminals. You are not a criminal. Not continuing to be a caregiver slave does not make you guilty of anything.
You can be an advocate for your mother. You can make sure she is placed in a nice place and that she gets the best care and attention possible. This is also caregiving.
Guilt will not destroy you, but caregiving can. Something like 50% of caregivers die before the people they are caregivers to.
You say you can't move her into care because it would "literally destroy you" Sounds to me that what you are doing now will literally destroy you.
Moving her into care is not failing it is admitting that caring for her at home is more than you can handle and it is not safe. Safety is not just physical safety it is emotional, mental safety.
Increase the time that you have a caregiver come in.
You might want to consider Hospice. With Hospice you would have a Nurse that would come in each week. A CNA that would come in at least 2 times a week that would give mom a shower or bath, help with dressing her and order supplies. You would have all the supplies you need delivered as well as any equipment that you might need. And you could request a Volunteer that could come in and give you a break as well., All this would also give you a break from caring for mom.
When you feel your temper just exploding....walk away. Wear earbuds, headphones, ear plugs anything.
Have you talked to YOUR doctor about the increased stress that you are experiencing? This will effect your health and your doctor needs to know.
You don’t need to pay someone to be your therapist. Use that money to invite yourself out for a delicious meal. Spend that “therapy-money” on yourself.
Laughter helps. Watching a funny movie to lift your spirits
Planning helps. Something every day that moves your life in the right direction.
so many of us have the same mom! i don't know what it is about that generation but it really did a number on these women who are just trainwrecks.
i too had a lot of anger toward my mother when i was helping care for her at home, and felt guilty a lot of the time because it was her dementia behavior that was so exasperating and she couldn't help herself. eventually you will revise your opinion that you would feel too guilty to put her into a home, as that is really what needs to happen. we eventually did and it was gut-wrenching but it's done and my anger is gone and now it's just pure love for mom as we are daily visitors and advocates but not dealing with 24/7 dementia behaviors.
I am learning from this forum that when my mother is at a age of needing more caregiving I will NOT step into that role. I know I will not be able to mentally or physically take that on.
I had myself removed from her trust documents that listed me as her caregiver. My sister was next line. She also said, NO WAY! What is interesting my Mother never asked me or my sister if we were willing to do this. Typical of her. When she had her trust drawn up a few years ago she put me in that position. So, when it was brought up. I kindly said, “I can’t mom.” She threw a royal fit. How could you? You are my Daughter! This is your responsibility! Guilt, guilt, guilt…I talked with my attorney and he said, that this was a wise decision to be removed as her caregiver. My attorney sent her attorney a letter requesting that I be removed from that position. I wanted it in writing because I knew she wouldn’t do it otherwise. So, when she reaches that stage of life either my brother’s will step up or she’ll go to a retirement facility/home. The professionals will take care of her. I will bring tea and scones, have a short visit. Wash the cup and leave. I can’t take her abuse.
Some questions….Hire more help, is this a option? Move her to a facility. You mentioned that the guilt would destroy you, Why? Why does putting her in a care facility make you feel guilty? Wouldn’t it be better to have her taken care of by professionals than for you to explode? She’s 94…her care will only get more complicated as time progresses. Are you able to physically and mentally take this on?
Maybe this will help…Schedule time for you. Actually, block out the time on your calendar. Go to a movie, join a exercise class, walk, garden, read a book, have a cup of coffee/tea with a friend, schedule a planed mini vacation. Just some ideas…
I will be praying for you.
Meds for depression helped my mom tremendously after she developed dementia.
I went to bed every night going over strategies to make tomorrow better and I got up determined to be calm and cool and in control, but nevertheless I found myself losing it earlier and earlier every day. I finally acknowledged that I was doing irreparable harm to the previously good relationship I had with my mother, and also harm to her. I admit cried when I put her into care, and I felt like a complete failure, but I also felt an immediate almost physical lifting of the burden I had been carrying. It was the right thing for both of us.
"Dosage by age"? My mom benefitted from a cocktail of two different antidepressants and a very low dose of anti-anxiety meds, which took away her weeping, hand-wringing and obsession over the fact that the world and her life were terrible. She was not "drugged", not lethargic, not prone to falls. She was her best self.
I think it might be worth a try
I think a LOT of us have that experience. What good are we when we're hand-wringing anxious and miserable??
The status quo doesn’t work anymore.
You both may need a change. Meds, doctors, therapy, exercise, diet, hydration, location???
Look at each component for each of you.
Chart your and moms moods. All it takes is a number on a calendar. Start somewhere today. Good luck.
You and your Mom have developed your own style of communicating. In a calm moment say "Mom, I know that you know I am exploding way too much. I know it as well. I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes and can't help it. Just know I love you. But I am tired, and some times I will explode".
Also, know you may need some counseling and therapy here (tho can't imagine how you will fit THAT in). When you are constantly angry you ARE giving yourself fodder to feed that feeling of guilt. It would be better Mom were placed than end in an abusive situation, and if you are constantly angry at someone with a disease/disorder she cannot help, it is abusive to keep her with you while you are constantly angry. Whether from burnout or exhaustion or WHAT, it isn't appropriate to keep someone with you when you are beyond your limitations to cope. It does NEITHER of you any favor at all.
I sure wish you the best. Consider a few sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private practice. They are the best for life transitions work.
Maybe you need to hire more help.
Never help anybody to respond to drama, the best is to ignore, redirect, or leave.
Put more emphasis on your life, how you can improve that?
Caregivers feel happier when they have some detachment and goals.
PUT yourself in that position. You will surely hope there is someone inside the family that would understand that cognitive issues / physical ability will mean THEY will have to do everything for YOU and that compassion will be plenty.
Help her, have compassion for her condition, love her.
Why is it okay that elders with incapacities be coddled so they can exploit their learned helplessness? Or use the caregiver as an enmeshed crutch for the elder? And the excuse for family members to do nothing?
Why is it okay to exploit the caregivers compassion until they break because, sadly, even loving elders become selfish energy vampires?
Why is okay to for caregivers to consumed with guilt for taking a better solution?
And do it all for free, no less… and happily….
I do not tolerate abuse of any kind nor do I play games. I have a talent for being able to give a person what they need which is often different from what they want.
I call a spade a spade and if someone is an a$$hole, I treat them like one regardless of their age. If it's an elder with dementia, then you have to ignore them or respond the same as you would to a child.
I always encouraged and supported any level of independence a person could have. This kind of care can often cause a lot of frustration. Many times it's easier for the caregiver too just do everything for a person. The easy way isn't always what's best for someone. I've always understood the anger and frustration that can be caused when you forcepeople (especially elderly) to do for themselves where they can. I don't believe in treating human beings no matter what condition they're in, like they're useless. If they can have the slightest independence even if it's still being able to get food into their own mouths. Or combing their own hair. Or being civil when asking for something that they need or want. I can't tell you how many elderly people I've worked for over the years who had to be told plainly that they will not get a thing from me when they're not being civil.
I had a care client who was pretty much invalid. One day her daughter came home early from work and saw her eating lunch, herself in her wheelchair at the table. Not in bed and I was not feeding her. Her daughter couldn't believe this and asked me how this happened. So I told her. The first day I started I brought the meal out. Her mother opened her mouth ready for me to put the food in it. I told her no. That either she feeds herself or she starves. She understood. A couple weeks later we tried eating at the table. For sure she made a holy mess, but a mess can be cleaned up. I do not coddle.
I was good at caregiving, but now it's time for me to get out of it. True to my name here, I am indeed BurntCaregiver.
When I don't remember the "Love and Logic" methods is when I hate myself for the way I responded and we end up with days of tip toeing around each other because the air is so tense. (Not to mention Mom can be vindictive and passive aggressive). I highly recommend it and I have to remember myself to use its techniques more often so I can keep life around my home more pleasant in Moms final years.
You must put your health first; otherwise you are of little help to anyone. Good luck & stay strong.
Time to go. Get out and let care staff take over.
These kinds of responses always make me feel bad for the people making them.
Every living thing will die at some point. Each and every one of us is born with a round-trip ticket that is stamped for the return trip the second we take our first breath.
Why must so many of us sacrifice year after year of our own lives in miserable servitude to needy parents then chastize ourselves if we didn't maintain saintly patience with them 24/7? Or we have to be riddled with guilt because we didn't smile enough when the elder made a demand or when we're being abused?
My friend, I had an epiphany. One day I too am going to die. So is everyone else. The abusive elder spreading their misery and negativity around like a plague doesn't care if they ruin lives so long as they get what they need or want. Eventhough the people whose lives they're ruining will be gone for good some day.
If they don't feel a moment of guilt or remorse, why should we?
Bring in some outside caregiving help. If your mother doesn't like it, too bad. She'll get used to it.
Don't beat yourself up with guilt because you're not perfect every minute of the day. No one is.
Look into placement possibilities even if you do not act on them yet. It might calm your distress and guilt to have an option ready.
"Guilt" has really become a buzz word, a filler for every situation that one does not want to face. A self-imposed emotion that resolves nothing.
There is nothing to feel guilty about, you are doing this to yourself and for no reason.
Women have a lot of changes going on almost at the same time in life.
Empty nesting, Menopause, and Parents getting old, passing. It causes a lot of stress at times.
It is terribly hard to take care of an elderly and inevitably declining parent. You are doing a wonderful thing. You must love her very much or she wouldn’t be with you. Keep it up.
You feel your mom is being dramatic, but she probably hurts. All the time. Everywhere. All her parts are wearing out. Standing up doesn’t come easy. Food doesn’t taste as nice. Everything is going downhill. She can’t remember or think clearly. This is terrifying. Listen to her complaints and give her full credit. She is only telling you how she feels. If you listen, she may feel heard and complain less. To lift her out of these conversations when needed, ask her perspective or advice on something else. Ask her to tell about some memories. (If this frustrates her, pivot— only ask her if these memories come easily, don’t “quiz”.). Even if she isn’t 100% mentally, she still has interesting stories, ideas and great experience. Give her credit and respect and she will feel emotionally better. Give her some simple jobs around the house so she feels useful. Praise her. We all do better with positive feedback.
One of these days she won’t be there anymore. She has been there for your forever and it feels like she will always be there forevermore, but her body will simply give out one day. When she is gone you will long for her company, even miss her bad smells, you will wish you could hold her hand again.
You feel tired of who she is but you probably are missing who she was when she was younger and stronger. Able to take care of you and hold a hearty discussion. Right now she is younger and stronger than she will be. Appreciate her as much as you can. Love her where she is now. Hold on to every good moment.
Develop some activities in your time off for you that you can engage in by yourself in the future. When my parents died, I found my life empty and needed new purpose. I woke up every morning ready to go to doctors and the pharmacy and all the places that had occupied our time. Work on that now to bridge the next part of your life.
Thinking of you.
She pressured me to promise that I would never put her in a facility so here we are - she has been living with me for almost 5 years. I have 3 sitters and get out 3 days a week. Sometimes my mother will pout with the sitters and be difficult but that's not going to change anything.
I've also lost it with my mother more than once which made me feel like dirt. One day she said to me "thank you for giving your life to me", which still rankles me when I think about it. She probably thought she was being gracious but it was the wrong thing to say.
In order to deal with my impatience I've had to try and see my mother from a distance - to see her in her infirmities and not her entitled attitude.