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I’m 1000 miles away. No way I am moving back home. My Dad will not come live with me and I have plenty of space & work from home. I was in vehicle accident almost 3 years ago and injuries kept me from going home 7 or so times a year and cleaning his house. I visited for his birthday two weeks ago. What started as a leak in the basement, which he said he had fixed has now grown into full blown mold growing up into the only bathroom and into the kitchen sink. He can’t shower, cook food, or wash his clothes in basement. I couldn’t stay in the house longer than 15 minutes from sneezing and itching. My teenage son stayed in the house an hour and smelled of mold for 6 hours of an 12 hour drive home. He is driving around in a car of which a neighbor duck taped the fuel tank up because he won’t get it fixed or buy a new car. Some other piece of metal hanging from under the car as well. The AC in the house and car no longer works and it’s getting to 90 degree days which grows the mold more. I talk to him on the phone every other day if not everyday and he seems of his age but dementia? Does making a decision to live in mold mean dementia? He can more than afford to move and buy a brand new car. There is also mold covering the back door, seat and floor of his car. I asked him to move he said give him two weeks. It’s been 2 weeks. I told him I love him and it’s wrong for me to allow him to live in an unhealthy environment and drive an unsafe vehicle. He said he is sorry but give him time. I busted out crying today. I do not understand why he seems okay on the phone but will not take care of himself. I’m a Realtor. At this point the mold hazmat crew would have to come in to gut the Entire house for repairs. I contacted an attorney they said to call the city to have house deemed uninhabitable “if he will let them in to see it” I already have a few pictures. My Daddy was a good hard working man all his life, worked everyday at automobile factory for 38 years. I want my Daddy to live out his life with the dignity he deserves. Why doesn’t he want the same for himself? I told him this is hurting me and his grandchildren. He is not doing his hygiene either. It’s embarrassing plus we can’t visit him at his house. We do but we are exposing ourselves to the mold. I have to rent hotel and if I’m at his house the girls have to go to cousins place to use the restroom. He has more money than me in the bank. He has no bills but basics doesn’t have any debt at all. I live very well but I have bills and still one child to go to college next year. I called the city. I got advice from attorney. I just wish I didn’t have to do it this way. I begged him to let’s do this transition in a positive, organized way. He says 2 more weeks. I know he will not. I have been asking him for 5 years to fix the house or get senior apartment. It’s exhausting. My Aunts and Uncles live there I asked them to help they only call him for money, favors or invites for major holiday dinners. He has no Will he said. I also am concerned of protecting my siblings & I Inheritance from his siblings And the state. He is a Air Force Veteran as well. My half siblings lived all their lives in Canada. Not close with my Dad but he always said we are to split everything 3 ways except for the house I grew up in is mine but at this point it’s worthless. Not that any of that is important more than my Daddy. I was raised in an abusive environment as a child by his hand and his Sisters but as an adult I have forgiven him & them long ago and understand how ones life can make them not make the best choices. Sometimes the way he talks to me causes like triggers or anxiety or something weird. Still I know right from wrong and it’s wrong to not try and help him help himself. I’m so worried on so many different fronts. I don’t want anything to happen to him. He is like my best friend late in life after I forgave him. I do not want to lose him to death or by his being mad at me for calling the city.

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Call APS for your father's locality and ask their advice. Tell them what your main concerns about his welfare are. They will probably arrange to visit him to carry out a risk assessment.

But be prepared, because whether or not they're able to intervene will depend on your father's wishes and on his mental state. If he is in fact mentally well - not apparently affected by dementia, for example - they can't do anything contrary to his wishes.

Neglect of self and surroundings is not diagnostic of dementia, no, although it can be part of the pattern.
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Country Mouse is quite right, naturally, she so often is. However your question was “How do I overcome the feeling of ‘I have to do what my father says?’ ”. (Challenging punctuation here, if that interests you)

That’s a different issue, one for you to work on irrespective of whether you have any control in the problem. You ‘ought’ to show respect for your father and his wishes, but you certainly don’t have any obligation to ‘do what he says’, no matter what it is. What if he told you to ignore the whole ‘best practice’ recommendations about Covid? What if he told you to do something illegal, eg murder? If you feel strongly that you are controlled by what your father says, you need to get help for yourself, as an independent adult. You may not mean what you said, but think about why you said it. Yours, Margaret
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I will assume no one has POA because I think your Dad may have Dementia or a mental problem. I just read that black mold can cause confusion. I just read symptoms of black mold and it is not good for Dad to be in that house.

"Can a House Be Condemned for Mold? ... Besides the musty smell and the damage it can do to the walls of the house, mold is one of the most dangerous infestations to have. Because of the health problems mold poses to everyone living in the area, a house can be condemned and for good reason."

I suggest you call APS. They should help. If not the Health Department. He needs to get out of that house.
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jfbctc Aug 2020
Hi JoAnn29,
Once again you've passed along some solid wisdom to the OP. Glad to see your name pop up. I hope you are well. As of yesterday, I'd stopped driving for 5 mos. My neuro told me to hang up handling any financial affairs.
I am a happy guy, but I know I'm declining. Considering I started noticing problems 9 1/2 yrs ago and diagnosed 4 yrs ago, I guess I've done well. Prayers of thanks for your friendship.
Regards,
John
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I agree with Margaret that Countrymouse has this. Both of them are correct and give you good advice.
You start this thread with how debilitated you are since your accident. The fact is that you may not be able to give Dad the care he clearly needs when he arrives by you, and his history of one of not being consistently cooperative. That would not be good for you or for his kids and would lead to an environment of constant argument.
Dad is being irresponsible at best. The fact is that he needs assessments that you cannot do and that is the reason APS needs to do a wellness check on him. As to your seeing an attorney? Well, do know that seeking guardianship of an elder is no easy thing and that it can be very costly. If you do not win you will be responsible for the costs. If you do win you are in for a world of woe, keeping track of Dad, fighting Dad about placements, and managing Dad's estate with meticulous care and record keeping. I wouldn't touch the job with a ten foot pole.
We often say what we would do were it us. First of all, if dad dies without a will the court will appoint an executor from his children, whomever is most willing and best able to handle everything. Good luck to them. Secondly, while Dad is alive he will be protected by the law to make his own decisions. They can condemn the house, but that doesn't make it likely Dad will move with you. Rather he will hire his OWN lawyers, and there goes any inheritance that anyone has a chance of. That money would be my LAST concern, or rather no concern whatsoever; it will be gone one way or another. So for me I would put Dad literally in the hands of the State. I would call APS to do wellness. I would let them handle it. If they judge him to need medical or mental assessment I would let them arrange it. And if he needs guardianship I would put it in the hands of the State, mold and all, and wish them good luck.
Your question indicates you already know that you have no say in this, and really you do not. I wish good luck to all. I hope you'll update us. Concentrate on yourself, your family, and your continued healing. Hugs out to you.
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R2PW2B88 Aug 2020
thank you, I am better now from accident which is why I am just now able to handle the situation. Mentally and physically. I understand it’s a costly situation and that I will still maybe not get him the help he needs but I just have to try. I could not live with the guilt of doing nothing upon his hurting himself or anything else people say on here eventually or soon happens. A lot of advise on here seems to sound like my Dad. Like I am the one that needs help? My question posed means that He is telling me to just let him do it, he knows it’s not healthy, just let him handle it, he knows it’s not safe, just let him take care of it. He has been saying that for 5 years now. Even one of the attorneys asked me why I waited so long to try and help him do better if it’s been going on now for so long. Again, like something is wrong with me. A few thousand dollars is nothing for me to loose if the state ends up allowing him to live in black mold. I will do what’s right for my own conscience and what I know is best for him. I was researching on the Internet this morning and a lot of websites are saying that mold can cause early onset of dementia but once rectified can get better. I will seek temporary guardianship until he can get out the mold and make better decisions. The stress of doing nothing is greater for me than the time it would take for me to help him. It’s not the governments responsibility, in my opinion to take care of my Parent. I’m waiting on a date of home inspection by the city I will update on my progress.
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Oh my, I feel for you.

We visited my mom and stepdad in October last year, I was sick from being in the house forc5 minutes. I had no idea what was really going on, I don't stay in her hoarded filth, but the kitchen lights didn't work. Red flag, how do you cook with no light?

Long story short, we went back in December to do some honey do maintenance and we found that they had a water leak in the wall that had mold an inch thick under the kitchen sink and cabinets and who knows where else that we could not get to. We spent a week getting it cleaned up and getting the water leak fixed. I was informed that they have the right to live any way they choose, so be prepared for zero help.

I would encourage you to get the water leak fixed, because mold can not grow without moisture. That would be my 1st step, stop what is causing the problem. Then you can see about mold remediation. Even bleach can help after the water dries.

If your dad is competent, you will never be able to force any change. The bar is so high because of past abuses to vulnerable people.

I had to come to the realization that not everyone wants to be rescued from their poor choices and my standards are not universal, or even familial.

I know how hard it is to see your parent(s) living in a position that turns your heart and stomach. But you have to let go sometimes and let them make decisions, good bad or indifferent.

I hope that you can find someone that can get the leaking water stopped.

I wanted to say that forcing a man from his home can be hugely degrading and take away his dignity, tread carefully with that.
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FYI. IF the mold was caused by a leak from inside the house (plumbing, broken appliance, overflowing tub, etc., check with the insurance company. There might be coverage for the damage, including mold remediation. Good luck!
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 2020
Oh yeah I never even thought of that. The only thing I would be concerned about is that it was not mitigated and that might cause a problem with the coverage.
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R2PW, I feel for you. I am so sorry. I went through this with my 96 year old mother. If you dad has dementia, you can get guardianship, and then you have control of what he does. But they set the bar low for competency test. The questions are what is your name? What are your kids names? Who is president currently?If he can pass the test, bingo!!! He’s competent!! Just because someone makes bad decisions doesn’t make them incompetent. I was told this by an elder lawyer. My 95 year old mother lives in the house my mom and dad bought in 1964. The house Is a wreck. She’s a hoarder. It needs a new roof, new windows, and needs to be sided. She can’t go upstairs anymore so she sleeps in the bathroom in a folding chair. I’ve talked to doctors, APS, Social Services, Police Men, firefighters. They all say there is aNOTHING I can do because she is COMPETENT!!! Nothing I can do. She gambled all my fathers money away. Hundreds of thousands of dollars she gambled when he was living and when he died. He made a boat load of money. He was a senior Vice President of a bank. Now she is destitute and looks worse than a homeless person. Why? Because she is mentally ill. Just because you have mental illness doesn’t mean you can declare them incompetent. What do I do??? I stopped doing things for her. I don’t clean her house. She wouldn’t let he anyway. I don’t see or talk to her except once a week. She does her own bills, orders and takes her own medicine, takes call a bus to the grocery store. She doesn’t want my help anyway. When I interfere she would scream at me. She has extreme OCD. Don’t touch her stuff. She won’t bathe, wash her hair, or change her clothes. I don’t talk about it with her anymore. I’m not her boss, her caregiver, I don’t tell her what she can and can’t do, I don’t pick up the pieces for her anymore. I am her daughter only!!! You do the same!!! Talk with a therapist. Do teleheath!! Don’t drive yourself crazy with this anymore. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. I was where you were a year ago. I am in a better place now due to this aging care site and all the wonderful help they give. My therapist has helped me too. I had the best conversation with my mother on Sunday night. I went home and she called me at midnight and we talked and laughed some mire till 3 am!!! That hasn’t happened in ages. I’m her daughter, that is it.
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Beatty Aug 2020
Your story is so important to hear. So many of us have been trying to *fix* a family member/friend. Even when we learn we can't, when we even say ' I don't want to fix them' there is often a BUT.

When I sought therapy I was at that stage. I thought I knew I couldn't change her / fix her... & yet, not too far deep down I did.

I told the therapist I wanted to be able to float along. In peace. To accept what is.

It took a year too. My sister lives how she wants to live. It's not how I wish to live. But she does.

Thankyou for sharing. That was a beautiful moment you had, that phone call with your Mom. That is acceptance.
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R2PW2B88, I'm thinking if your Father moved in, so will the mould.

I'm thinking the mould is a symptom, among many symptoms of the self-neglect you describe. Self-neglect is itself a symptom. The cause may be declining cognitive function, disease, mental illness or maybe even just stubborn old age!

You have a good heart to have forgiven him & wish to help him but self-neglect makes it hard.

I will try to find links to some good articles on helping parents & on lack insight.
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Beatty, thank you for your kind words. It finally sunk in with me a couple weeks ago. I mean really sunk into my core being that my mothers mental illness is not my fault. I was listening to a celebrity talk about his producer Gary. Gary’s mother had mental illness. The celebrity asked Gary why he was such a well adjusted all around great guy? Gary’s reply was that Gary’s father sat him down when he was 5 and told him his mothers brain was sick. She was going to a psychiatric hospital. His father told Gary they her mental illness was NOT HIS FAULT!! His father also made sure to tell Gary that it wasn’t his fathers fault either. How wonderful he said that to him. He also told him that many times growing up! I wish we all could have had someone tell us at 5 years old that it WASNT our fault and it never was!!! Say it loud enough for the people in the back to hear. “It is not your fault, and it never was!!!”
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"Still I know right from wrong and it’s wrong to not try and help him help himself."

We're not saying there's anything wrong with you. But it's this part where all the conflict comes in. It's that fine line between, as you say, helping him to help himself on the one hand, and trying to force him on the other.

Here is the thing. The person who is responsible for your father's wellbeing is your father. Not you. Until such time - and it sounds as if you're getting there but you're not there *yet* - as he is incapable of understanding decisions and their consequences, he is in charge.

You don't have to do what your father says when the decisions are about *your* life. But when they are about *his* life, not only you but everyone has to respect his choices. They're his to make.

What's more, the choices he has made very clear previously, while he was still certainly of sound mind, must continue to be taken into account. If he has always and consistently stated that he does not want to move 1000 miles from his home to come and live with you, then you cannot just ignore that because you're acting for him and you want him where you can see him.

When it comes to not wanting him to be mad at you for calling the city, though - if you don't, somebody else will. It would be better if the person asking for advice was you, and you don't need his permission to get advice.

Has your father given you power of attorney? Would he consider that, if he hasn't already and he's still able to? Bear in mind that unless he is mentally incapacitated the courts will not award guardianship, temporary or otherwise, and applying for it may well damage your relationship with him. Be careful.
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If your dad is deemed incompetent, he won’t get able to write out a will. If he is competent, he should have a will drawn up. The courts won’t just strip someone of their rights. I have talked to lawyers and a judge. It’s not easy to get guardianship unless that person is out of it, like Alzheimer’s. I know about it because I have guardianship over my son who is 28 years old. He has high functioning autism and I got guardianship when he was 18. I didn’t strip him of his rights because he never had the rights to begin with. Also, I only gave guardianship over “person “ not “property”. He doesn’t have property. He lives with us. But if I had guardianship of him for property and he had a house and savings in the bank, I would have to do stringent bookkeeping. Keep every receipt. Record every penny he spent and report it to the courts. I don’t have to do any of that because I am on guardianship over “person only”. The judge said guardianship is different if they are born with a disability. We seemed guardianship at age 18 because he needs our protection. But if your father has been living his life and making some bad decisions all his life, that is not a reason for courts to award guardianship. I had a whole box of reports and school reports. A life time of records of my son the first 18 years of life. Then 2 doctors had to declare him incompetent and then we went in front of a judge. The judge was kind and gentle to me and my son. He was afraid she would be like judge Judy, lol. Please reconsider guardianship. Let you dad live the way he pleases if he is competent. That’s what I had to do with my mother. I am so truly sorry you are going through this and I know how heartbreaking this is!!
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I know that people , such as the lawyer you mentioned are going to come down on you and want to know why you aren’t doing something to help your father. Why are you letting him live this way. Believe me, you have to believe me when I have been where you have been. My mother is a hoarder. The firefighters called me and wanted to know why my mother is living in that shithole of a house. Ok they didn’t say shithole, I said that. Why can’t you clean up her house. She’s 96 years old. Why can’t you help her the firefighters said to me over the phone. I told them it’s her house not mine.I can’t get her to do anything. He said aren’t you going to come over and be with your mother? I said no. I have to go to work, and hung up. I did what I did because she was calling 911 twice a week to go to the hospital for anxiety attacks. That’s it. Anxiety!! People will make you feel guilty, friends, strangers, doctors, lawyers, everyone will make you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You are not your dads responsibility. It took me a whole year to get to a better place. Not wake up crying, worrying, and wondering. I’m finally out of that hell. I am seeing a therapist to help me. Keep coming back to aging care. The people on here are wonderful and have great advice!! Keep coming back, even if you don’t want to. Keep coming back!
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R2PW, I don't think that anyone is blaming you here.

You accuse us of sounding like your dad, just let him deal with it.

Well, it's not that so much, as been there done that. So don't expect to get very far if he is competent. And that is solely determined by doctors and a judge.

Many of us have been where you are and I for one, was horrified that APS said all was well and that they have every right to live how they choose. I thought I would be able to protect them against their bad choices. Nope!

I had to ignore the "I can take care of it!" Argument and just push my way through and believe me, it was an hourly battle fixing the water leak. I finally blew up and said, "I don't know if you could handle it or not, because you didn't do crap to fix it. So shut up and let us deal with it!" It was insanity.

So, again I recommend that you get someone in there to fix the water leak. Check with his homeowner policy for available coverage and realize that you may not be able to take over his life as you want, so you have to learn how to let go and work around his objections. Help him do what he obviously can no longer do for himself, whether you find the workers or hire them for the job. He can not figure out how to fix it and that is why he has not done it.

This world has changed so quickly that our seniors are having a greater struggle than prior generations did. Never getting an actual person when you call and always being directed to the online services throws my parents for loops. Help him to get his house dealt with by hook or by crook, because you gaining the authority over him will not turn out well. I know that makes you mad, but from all you have said, he won't swallow it without huge resentment.

Call companies that handle water leaks and mold remediation and get an estimate of what they professionally see needs to be done. You will need this for court anyway, because nobody is going to take your word for anything, courts require proof of the allegations, especially when someone's life is in the balance.

Best of luck getting this sorted out. Sometimes you just have to do what needs doing even when you are being buzzed at by the senior.
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"He can not figure out how to fix it and that is why he has not done it".

Yes yes yes!!! Seen time & time again. Little things like broken computer, broken phone, then larger like broken car, broken house.

The 'I'll do it" or "I'll manage" is the coverup line.

Do you intervene & bulldoze their rights? Or let them have rights & potentially unsafe. This is *dignity of risk vs duty of care* in professional mumbo jumbo. I suppose it comes down to the risk. A broken computer at the milder end - leave it be - unsafe living conditions at the serious end - do what you can.
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Your question to us on the site was ‘How do I overcome the feeling of “I have to do what my father says” ‘ . Then you say that the answers sound to you ‘Like I am the one that needs help’. I can see that it’s a very difficult and confusing issue. I hope that you can sort through it
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The mold will kill him. You can call the Health Dept. or wait for him to die. I don't understand why there's any discussion or debate. Do something.
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 2020
Not trying to contradict you, but mold will not kill you unless you have an allergy to it.

Years ago it was all over the news, Mold Kills! Then they found out that moist regions have mold in every house and no one was dying.

That is what the news does, create fear over a few cases and move on, never saying oops we were wrong.
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Will he accept aides and a handyman to come in and help him get organized? It sounds like he needs someone to clean once a week, a handyman to get rid of the leak and mold, an aide to cook for him, etc. I'm surprised that his car passes inspection. You can take extreme steps and take over guardianship, have the house condemned, but is this what you want?
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Please call Adult Protective Services, he is not living in a safe place and he can not take care of himself. He will either need to live in a residential facility or with a family member who can take care of him. He obviously can not continue in this living situation.
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I think you already know what you have to do. It's hard to quit being the child and be the adult. Role reversal. Would he have allowed you to live like that? It is his right to do what he wants - as long as he knows what he is doing. He doesnt. It's dangerous. If you call a cleaning service or caretaker to come in - they will contact APS. If you just cant make the call - call a one time cleaning service (give them heads up). Have them come out. Leave because of the conditions. Then tell Dad cleaning service called APS. Either way - yes it is time.
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You need to get a Power of Attorney at once. Then you can start fixing the house but personally, I think he needs to be placed because he definitely has serious mental issues. You can't fix this from long distance. He does not see what is, his brain is gone. NOTHING IS GOING TO GET FIXED OR CHANGE.
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Check out "Adult Children and the Perils of Role Reversal with Parents" on Youtube. Enter Kathleen Vallee Stein in the search box. I think it will help.
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Take being family out of the equation. If you had an elderly neighbour who was driving an unsafe vehicle and living in a house that should be condemned what would you do?

A compassionate person would report their concerns to the appropriate authorities. Their first concern would not be upsetting the person, but helping to create a safer environment for them.

I was not surprised to read near the end of your post that your father was abusive to you in childhood. Your fear of upsetting him, is a sign of FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It is very challenging for those of us that did not have good childhoods when our parents get older. Me, it took about 5 years of therapy and I still get triggered and have check in appointments to keep my boundaries in place.

The question I ask myself is, could I live with myself if I took action A, B or C did nothing? I am faced with this regarding my grandson. I have made my decision because I could not live with myself if I allowed him to go into the foster care system. I provide regular respite, so him Mum gets a break and can work on her parenting skills. At any point in the next 18 years I could have him full time.

If Dad does not have his Will prepared, it does not matter what he says wants to happen with his estate, it will be determined by the Intestate Laws in the state he lives in.

As Dad does not have a Will it is unlikely he has POA documents in place for Heath or Finances. This is concern, as he is not acting rationally.

Many people act irrationally without having dementia, but if he has dementia, he may have missed the boat on setting up POA documents.

Your Dad is not going to change. He is not going to agree to move in 2 weeks, a month etc. For whatever reason he is content to live in a toxic environment.

One last comment, you mention your 1/2 siblings in Canada and Dad wanting to split his estate 3 ways. Whether they have lived their entire lives in Canada or not, I commend your Dad for remembering them. My grandfather abandoned 2 families (that we know of) in the UK, before moving to Canada. Not a cent of support or any acknowledgement of them. Grandpa had been dead for over 20 years when Dad learned he had siblings at the age of 54. I have connected with a couple of my UK cousins. I cannot fix the wrongs my grandfather did to their mothers, but I can acknowledge that wrong was done to them.
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It is best to contact the local authorities.

This is a dangerous situation for him.

He may not forgive you but doing the right thing can be pretty hard sometimes.
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Maybe he simply has the feeling that "I'm old and probably won't live much longer, so why should I waste money on anything new if the old one still works? Besides, I'm not planning to throw a party, so I don't have to impress anyone."
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I don't think I would encourage him to throw good dollars at a home that has so many problems. Keep the money in the bank to pay for other things he will need - medical care, rent if he goes to assisted living, etc. If the car needs to be replaced, just get something decent that will get him from Point A to Point B. No big luxury vehicle needed at his age - just look for something that is low to the ground to get in/out of and SUV type with a lot of room in the back if you have to start transporting equipment like walkers, wheelchairs, potty chairs, etc should he need to move around with you/relatives.

Go ahead and have someone inspect the house to figure out the mold issue and bathroom that cannot be used. No one can help him in that environment and no one will want to. If house deemed uninhabitable, the decision to move will be done. Then it will just be move to where. He doesn't have to have a mental illness or dementia to put off moving - that is a hard decision for anyone. Of course, he'd like to delay making it. Can't blame him there.
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Before you go for Guardianship, call APS. They will pave the way for Guardianship if they deem if unable to care for himself. If he is fine, you won’t be able to get Guardianship anyway.

APS will be quite persistent with your Father. From what you’ve said, as soon as they see that he is unclean, they will do an assessment on him. If necessary, they will remove him from the home to somewhere safe, then they will tell the Court that you need Guardianship.
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If your father is NOT deemed incompetent, APS will NOT help. I tried calling APS. They said they could NOT help me since my mother has her mind.
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...Your Daddy who knew best.. that he was years ago. Please get a social worker to assess his situation to determine competency, then decide. Sorry to see your situation 1,000 miles away, but phone calls and technology with assist with actions. All the Best and to Love Your Daddy.
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When it comes to competency, it’s not a matter of DOES, all that matters is CAN. Can he cook, can he wash and bathe him self elf , can he pay the bills?? It’s all about CAN he do these things. If he CAN do them but WONT do them then it’s possible he is competent and sound mind. When he’s driving does he know what he’s doing? Does he know where the gas pedal is? Does he know where the brake is? Does he get lost and not know where he is? If he can say yes to these questions and does NOT get lost and knows where he is going, chances are he is competent.
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