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Back story, my husband and I were high school sweethearts, married for 30 plus years now. My husband is youngest of 3 but his older brother passed in 2019. Shortly after his brother died, his Mother (74) was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and at the time was told it would take her quickly. By then Covid was in full swing and we only had 2 options. Place her in care facility and not be able visit her, or take on all of her care ourselves. Long story short, “OURSELVES” became “MYSELF” real fast. Because of COVID we had to limit her risk and my Husband was still working so I had no choice. In March of 2020, I took a leave of absence from my job, move out of my home, and stopped seeing my grandchildren to move in with and care for my MIL. (Side note my SIL who worked from home, lived alone, and was only 5 houses from her mom, decided this wasn’t her problem). By July 2020 Covid was slowing down and my MIL needed a second surgery to try to remove as much of the cancer as they could. Afterwords she would need 6 more months of chemotherapy. I couldn’t do it alone anymore, so she sold her house and moved her in to our home. I thought having my husband around would make things easier and it did for a little while. But both him and my MIL were uncomfortable with him helping her with things like dressing, bathing & Doctors appointments, so once again her care was left to me... fast forward to Feb 2021. She did it, she beat the odds and is now in remission. She isn’t the same as before this happened but she no longer needs the constant care, in fact now that I’m back to work, I believe she would benefit from being in a senior community where there would be someone around to check in on her. I believe I’ve done my part, the crisis is over and now it’s time to pass the torch back to her and her children. Only now they like it the way things are... and by “THEY” I mean all three of them. MY MIL is happy living with us, she has become comfortable with me being there to take care of her, (my issue is, why try to do things like cook or clean if you have someone else do it for you). My husband likes having his mom living with us, (she never asks anything of him so he doesn’t see what’s wrong with letting her stay). And his sister gets the best of both world (her mom is being care for and she gets to go on with life like nothing ever happened). I’m at that point where the only way things are going to change (and I need them to change) is if I stand my ground and force them to ... But how do I force my Husband & SIL to step up and do their part without making my MIL feel I’m rejecting her?

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Chris,

You made the right choice. No one truly knows how it is unless they do it. I did it for far too long!

You know. You did it. You were kind and generous in her time of need but you are not responsible for the rest of her life.

I truly admire people who stand their ground. I was one who didn’t stand my ground and it all blew up in my face! I won’t bore you with the details but I was thrilled to see that you stopped doing the heavy lifting.

You’re a smart lady! You deserve respect and gratitude for your compassion because often caregiving can be a thankless job!
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ChrisDeann Mar 2021
Thank you!
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Good for you taking your life back, ChrisDeann.
You'll see that it is the best thing for everyone including your MIL.

Don't pay any mind to your SIL's guilt-tripping of you and your husband. Believe me if she cared so much about her MIL she would have been helping with the care she needed all along. She didn't though. So she doesn't get a say.

I often say that families are all too generous with their advice and criticism of a family caregiver but none too generous with their help or even time.
You did the right thing and I'm happy for you that your husband is on board with his mom moving out.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2021
Fortunately, the caregiver is off the hook but I have to tell you that I think this is a perfect answer!
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Chris, you havent been back since asking this question, so I'm not sure you're going to read this...

You seem very worried about everyone's feelings but your own.

Doesn't what YOU want and feel count too?

I assume that you enjoy your job and that your income is part of the family financial structure, i.e., saving for a comfortable retirement.

If you are out of the work force, how many more years will DH have to work before you retire? How many years will that take off his life?

Presumably, you go back to work after MIL passes and you ALSO have to work for more years.

Do you have free eldercare lined up for yourselves when YOU are in your 80s? Or will you be paying your (diminished) hard-earned dollars for assisted living?

When my mother started to decline, all 3 of us "kids" had mortgages, children and careers that couldn't be put on hold. Your MIL is extremely fortunate in that you were able to take time to pitch in for what was supposed to be a short term, emergency assignment.

The emergency is over. And from your other post, it sounds as though MIL is doing a bit of manipulation of her son, what with the shuffling and "I'm so weak".

Get brochures from local ALs. Go out to dinner with hubs and present them to him. Tell him that you are going back to work on (fill in the date) and that he and mom need to chose a facility.
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ChrisDeann Mar 2021
Barb, first things first.. yes, I did read your reply and thank you so much for posting! I’m sorry for taking so long to get back to you and everyone else. All of the replies helped me to realize that somewhere along the line I stopped caring for myself..

I haven’t made time to go to the gym, the dentist, or even the eye doctor in over a year, I can’t remember the last time I made a meal based on what I wanted, and I can’t tell you how many times I found myself putting my stuff back on the shelf in order to buy something for someone else.

So I did it, I put ME back into my life...
I told my husband enough was enough and went back to working from the office, even on days I could have easily worked from home. A few days later I gave him the marketing packets of the 3 area senior communities and informed him they have until fall to find her a place or else (I had no idea what “or else” would be, but they don’t know that). And when Mother asked me to do something I thought she should be doing, I simply said “no, you should do it”.

Of course my actions did get some pushback, but I stood my ground and it’s working. My husband got his mom to fill out an application for housing (there is a waiting list but I can live with that). My MIL stopped talking to me for about a week, but even that had a plus side, (you can’t tell someone to do stuff if your not talking to them), and just yesterday I went to the store and picked up what I wanted for supper without consulting anyone!

I’m sure we still have several rough days ahead of us, but I’m so glad I found this site to help get me this far!!!
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I was very kind of you to take care of your MIL. You did such a good job no one wants to change the situation. If you haven't already done it, sit down with your husband and give him all the reasons it can't continue. Have him visit some of the communities that would be a good fit for your MIL. Show him that his mother could make friends and have activities and most important MORE THAN ONE CAREGIVER. You are unable to work, take care of him and the home as well as his mother.

If that doesn't work go on strike and take a vacation leaving you husband with his mother for a week. It may take him doing the job to realize what you do for his mother (even though she needed more are after her surgery to recover.)
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Imho, you have excelled at your FORMER caregiving job of your MIL.
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"I believe I’ve done my part..."

YES, you have and excellent job you have done!

"...the crisis is over and now it’s time to pass the torch back to her and her children. Only now they like it the way things are... and by “THEY” I mean all three of them."

Of course they do.
SIL gets her decision continued (not her problem).
Hubs has his mom close by. Hub's mom is getting excellent care, for free. Hubs doesn't have to do anything.
MIL is content. Her needs are being met. She has her son near by. She doesn't have to do anything.
Why on earth would any of THEM want to change that?!?!?!

"I’m at that point where the only way things are going to change (and I need them to change) is if I stand my ground and force them to ... But how do I force my Husband & SIL to step up and do their part without making my MIL feel I’m rejecting her?"

Honestly, we can't "force" others to do what they choose not to do. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean you can't stand your ground on this.

FWIW SIL made her decision before you began this lovely journey - not her job. I wouldn't waste my time trying to ask, convince, force, coerce or even bring up the subject with her. You KNOW what the answer will be.

MIL has also made her decision, when she told you "...she feels she should continue living with us and her children are content with the current status quo..."

The only one left is hubs, and he is "torn". You could and should have a good long discussion with him about what your preferences would be - moving MIL to senior housing. Perhaps have a list ready, of reasons this will be better for all:
1) MIL would get more care
2) MIL would get socialization
3) You can focus on your job
4) You won't be run down doing TWO jobs
5) Your marriage can be renewed
6) He won't have to take on as many extra chores.

She can live somewhere nearby. He can visit with her, take her out for fun or a meal, take her to appointments (uncomfortable why, he can sit in the waiting room), etc. It's not like she'd be going to Alcatraz! 

MIL should NOT be part of the discussion between you two. You both have to find an acceptable resolution and then present that to her. IF you compromise because he says he will take on some chores and take over some care issues with her, beware! All too often people make these promises, then down the road, oops, have a late meeting honey, can you cover this for me? Oh, I have extra work load this week, can you tackle that for me? If he's not doing much to help now, I wouldn't count on it to continue, even if he does agree to take on a more active role in regular and mom chores.

Ideally would the the move, not sharing chores. Resumption of marriage and privacy. But, if he's willing, it can be tried, I just wouldn't count on it. Then you revisit the discussion, only it relates to the MOVE.

The last (and best?) solution IMO has been suggested. There is nothing quite like OJT! The chat might be tried first, BUT if no agreement is reached or he agrees to do more and quickly backslides (expected!), then YOU are going on strike! Find a place to stay, motel, hotel, at will rental, etc close to home/work, and stay there (close to home so you can pick up needed items, but try not to go there unless there is no other option.)

Start with 2 weeks. If no panic calls, extend your stay another 2 weeks. Continue with 2 week extensions, as needed.

Once hubs gets a GOOD taste on how hard it is to juggle working, doing all the home "chores" AND kowtowing to his mother, perhaps he will have an epiphany and better appreciation of YOU.

With you still there, covering all the MIL duty, of course he feels uncomfortable addressing changes with his mother. He would want peace at home with you, but also peace with mom. She will tell him no, she doesn't want to go and he's not going to stand up to her. If you find other lodgings and they have to go it alone, perhaps he will learn a thing or two.
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ChrisDeann Mar 2021
I like you! Way to say it like you see it!! I could use a few friends like you in my life. your predictions were 100% correct. SIL bailed altogether, MIL took my husband on a lengthy guilt trip.. and the “I’ll help out more” only lasted 3 days... but just like you suggested, it took a full blown do it “or else” to see any real progress. Thanks for making me smile!

PS. MIL is on the waiting list at the senior living center...
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You are rejecting her! And I should think so too!

Of course I don't mean that you are rejecting *her* - but what you can and should very decidedly reject is a workload and a responsibility that quite simply are not yours. Nuts to it.

Stop resenting your SIL for her well-developed sense of self-preservation and instead take a slim leaf out of her book. MIL living with you and DH creates a heap of extra work, and - MUCH worse - is teaching MIL learned helplessness which is a terrible thing to do to self-respecting little old ladies.

You are RIGHT. Stick to your guns! MIL needs the stimulus and relative independence of that community you mentioned. Did you have one in mind? Does it send out brochures?
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ChrisDeann Mar 2021
thank you for taking the the time to reply, yes you are right I do have some resentment towards my SIL but there is much more to it. And thank you for your support on the need for her to be in a place where she could have her independence. She is currently on the waiting list and we are hopeful she will be able to move in by this fall.
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I just want to give you respect for all you did. You went above and beyond. You got her through the crisis even at considerable cost to yourself, and it is turning out to your relationship with your husband and your SIL. Your husband needs to understand that this has in fact caused damage to your relationship and will continue to if it continues. There's that little nagging part of your brain that has lost a certain amount of respect for him because he bailed and allowed you to shoulder this responsibility by yourself. And then it is continued because he is blind to the fact that he is STILL doing it. You have shown him that you have a great amount of love for him BECAUSE you were willing to care for HIS MOM at your expense. He needs to understand that you did it primarily for HIM. I would leave SIL out of the equation. She doesn't live in your house and you are not bound to her by love or law. She really doesn't get a vote unless she wants to take on the responsibility of HER MOTHER 100%. I think that perhaps you should schedule a long weekend-or even a week- away with just your husband where you can talk freely outside of the responsibility of caring for mom. He needs to let his sister know that she is in charge of mom while you are gone and would she like to come stay with mom at your house or her house--those are her only 2 options. Then have some reconnecting time as husband and wife, and make those tough decisions. Good luck and God bless you!
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ChrisDeann Mar 2021
WOW, I knew something was off between my husband but didn’t know what, you put that thought into words.. and gave me the words in need to help explain it better to him... thank you
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I think you need to discuss your feelings to everyone first. Sounds like you’ve done your best and now it’s time they recognised you can’t carry on without change and support. You need some ‘me time’.
How you tell your mother in Law is difficult, she probably feels she’s lost her home, nowhere to go.
But maybe suggest she needs to be around new people,
something close to you, or I between family members.
but still give time to her.
it’s difficult. Good luck. But there are organisations out there in the UK to help with support.
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Mom already sold her house and moved in with you. Have a sit down with SIL and husband and let them know crisis is over. Hubby likes having his mom there, so now with you both working again - both need to do 5050 on the care. SIL works from home so either mom can now go to visit with her or she needs to arrange monthly visits to come to your house. I'm talking 2 weeks at a time since it doesn't matter where she is while she's working. The conversation needs to stay on track with a 'we're all in this together' theme so that mom isn't in it alone - what is your plan. Repeat it often during the talk - what is your plan.

MIL could use some in-home therapy to get her up and moving around a little again instead of having others wait on her. Start with some small chores she can do. Start the conversation with, things are looking up. Need to keep you strong and moving around. We're going to come up with a list of things you can do around the house to help yourself and all of us. Therapy may help you address certain tasks. Remind her if she allows herself to get down, it may not be possible to stay in the home. She is used to your routine of doing for her. Next time, let her know if it's something she can do. Always tell her we have to keep you moving, so you should try to do that for yourself. Allow her to struggle somewhat before stepping in. The struggle is what keeps the body moving.

She has money from selling the house. If she won't consider a facility, then bring it to her. Use the money to hire house cleaner, aides to assist her while you/hubby at work. Use the money for SIL to hire people to help out when mom goes to her house. Use the money to get the care she needs.
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First of all, you decide what you are and are not willing to do. You set specific boundaries to both of them. Then proceed to look for a caretaker for her so you can work and have a normal life. They do not have the right or the decency in them to help - why should they? You do it all. As of right now, no more. She gets help - other than you - or you will refuse to do anything and they will have to tend to her - or she will have to be moved. You must stand firm and make your boundaries known and then implement them. Be tough.
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First I’m glad to hear your MIL is doing better and the wonderful job you have done. For the most part MIL are apart of our lives too if they are worthy of our honor toward them. But forcing Your husband and her children to help is not probably what you want to say about adult children, they should never be forced in my opinion they should generously help. So if you are feeling this way, yes you are at your wits end. So plan a meeting with them, do some research on the possibilities of what’s required of them and what can be done in MIL case. Help them to see the situation, that it’s their responsibility more so than yours to make decisions and take care of her. And they can all share in the decision making regarding her care. Let your husband and the others know how you are feeling.
I’m sort of feeling that this mom never trained them to care for others or be responsible or you took off being the caregiver because you care and is a super mom. Well stop now and take care of you now and get that meeting together with the family. Hope it works out
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Start a conversation about living wills, durable POA and future plans for assisted living.
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I can understand that you feel "finished" after a long time of caring for your MIL through cancer and now you are back to work. WOW! Great job!

You will need to call a family meeting. Explain that since you are back to work, you can not carry the care load you did before. Since mom is in remission and was used to living on her own, suggest

1 - Assisted living or senior apartment. Most places have dining rooms and housekeeping staff. She can benefit from the activities.

2 - Days with SIL, she can provide any care mom needs while you work. Your husband can help with the household chores and since you will not be home all day.

3 - Creating a mother-in-law "suite" or "apartment" in your home as much as possible, She would need to be able to do housekeeping and her own cooking. Discuss how much "help" mom needs and that everybody needs to provide some of the "help." Don't recommend this option if you are not willing to provide more care as your MIL ages and needs more help again.
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ventilatte707 Mar 2021
Yes! Schedule a meeting with all parties involved. Make it official with a handout that includes the date when your exclusive caregiver role will END and the list of options your husband and ILs should consider. Let them know that your END DATE will be immediately followed by X weeks where you will away from the home and unavailable to them.

Love is not torture. You’ve done your part and your MIL is healthier as a result. It’s time for her children to look after her.
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ChrisDeann, is your MIL now able to care for herself such that she could prepare meals, do light housework, etc. for y’all while you are working? Does she still have a car and can drive herself to appointments? Seems like she would at least offer to help out while in your home. However, I have never dealt directly with someone with cancer (grateful for that!) so my line of thinking may be unrealistic. Just a thought for “in the meantime”, until her new living/caring situation is established by your new boundaries. Lots of hugs and all the best to you!
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ChrisDeann Mar 2021
Thank you, yes she can care for herself well enough durning the day, but I can’t recall the last time she used the stove and driving is completely out of the question. Besides having cancer she is also dealing with being 75 year old. Before the cancer she was living on her own with weekly visits from us to help do some things but chemotherapy takes it toll.. on both the body and the mind... I’m not sure if it’s as bad as she is trying to make us think, but it has changed her.
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There was a super-mega thread of one woman's struggle as her kind nature was pushed to the limits by her MIL's situation. She loved her MIL but her entire life was being eroded by her care needs, the wants, whims, calls & falls. MIL's actual children were so very comfortable with the arrangement. "Family should help family" they said (as long as it wasn't them doing the helping).

They never stopped assuming, pushing & trying for that lady to be all the solutions, until she STOPPED being all the solutions. Then they were forced to find alternatives.

That story saved my sanity & showed me how to stand up for myself & start setting better boundaries. And how it could be done in a loving, honest & kind way. (Thank you Dorker 🤗).

The best bit was the daughter-in-law & MIL relationship stayed good til the very end.
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ChrisDeann Mar 2021
Thank you, I’m sorry you had to go though what you did, but glad to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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I admire people who give up their lives to care for their in-laws. To me, if the person is not my spouse, my parent, or immediately related to me by blood, caring for the person is not my responsibility.
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I would have all 3 meet with MIL and explain that you are going back to work and you feel MIL would now benefit living at an assisted living place or Senior Home.
You then suggest in front of everyone the only alternative you see is for MIL to move in with her daughter.

I would also have a couple places picked out for MIL to go look at.

Yoy might also line up a Vacation fir yourself only and let husband and daughter take cane of their mom for a week by themselves.

If you can't go on a vacation then at the meeting, you should let them know that you have stepped in and now that MIL is on to recovery, you feel it is now the daughter's turn to let mom live with her.

If none of the above works, stop doing everything!

Let husband and MIL's daughter do everything.

Daughter can come over to give her baths, change her clothes, take her to Dr's appointments, ect.

Mare sure you start staying later at work, past dinner time and eat a sandwich on the way home, letting husband know he'll have to fix himself and his mom dinner.

You deffiently have done your part.

It is time for someone else to take over.

Be strong and Do It For You.

Prayers.
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I'm so sorry that your husband isn't seeing this for what it is. I would suggest starting to go to counseling, with or without him. Tell him you are done caring for his mom and that it may mean you need to separate. It may get him off the dime. It may not and, of course, you don't WANT to do that. But this isn't fair to you at all. She's not even YOUR mom. It's great if you wanted to do it but if you don't, you shouldn't have to.
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Maybe start with talking with your husband. He is your Husband, and YOU are his Wife! The health of your relationship now takes precedence over your MIL's situation, now that she is in remission and can care adequately for herself with appropriate assistance. Tell him how you feel; ask him for his support. You are right. If you don't bring your feelings/thoughts to the attention of your husband and your inlaws, they will take the easy, nonconfrontational route and avoid the situation. It is human nature; sometimes you just gotta be the squeaky wheel to get any action from others. Ask you husband to be a united front with you, and then approach your in-laws, and then your MIL. It won't be easy, and her feelings may be hurt, but if you do it as kindly and lovingly as possible, she will adjust. Good luck with this. My thoughts are with you.
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ChrisDeann Mar 2021
Thank you, my husbands does try.. but feel he finds himself between a rock and a hard place. He wants to support me but worries about his mother.. I like your suggestion of being a united front.. I’ll give it a shot! Thanks again!
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By talking to her. "Mom, I'm happy that you are in remission. I'd like to talk to you about a lovely senior community that's not far from here. I'm not getting any younger and with me going back to work, I would like for you to consider the peace of mind that comes with living in a senior community where you'll have the services you should have and can socialize with people your own age. I'd like to schedule a tour for you and me. What do you think about that?"
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ChrisDeann Mar 2021
You get it, I care about my MIL, but can’t be her best friend.. she need to have friends her own age, doing things she likes to do. Thank you
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Ideally you should be able to go to her directly and tell her that you just can't continue and she will agree to let you help her find another home - is there a reason you feel a need to exclude her from this process?
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ChrisDeann Mar 2021
Thank you for your question, I guess I forgot to mention that I have talked to her and taken her to visit two communities very close to our home. But because she feels she should continue living with us and her children are content with the current status quo, my words go in one ear and out the other... sadly if anyone is being excluded from the decision process it is me.
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It isn't really up to you to decide what others will do.
It is only up to you to decide what YOU will do.
You will never force anyone ELSE to care for someone. I would think that would be clear by now. People decide what "doing their part" consists of. I myself would never take on in home care of an elder. I know my limitations clearly enough to know that is no option for me. Apparently you SIL does as well. And your husband who works was happy enough to keep his job so he can get away from it all while YOU give your job up and become a full time caregiver. So everyone here is quite happy now. Your MIL, your hubby and your SIL are very happy indeed. Why would they change?
You will have now, if there is to be change, to explain that you are unwilling to continue as you have been, that you had utterly no idea how your sacrifice would be taken advantage of, and that you cannot continue on as things are. Will that be hurtful for them to hear? Sure it will. They can rage and rant and cry and do whatever they have to; it will be a shock for them all. But you are a human being with your own rights to your own life choices, just as they are.

We tell people who we are and what we are willing to do for them by what we DO do for them. They accept us at our word. They EXPECT it of us and will accept the sacrifice with very little thanks. You have told people what you are willing to do. Now they accept you will do it.
The way to change all this is to tell all that you are no longer willing to do this, and that MIL must go into what care is affordable to her, or accept support of Medicaid for placement. If they say no, tell them you will work out a way to move now into a small studio and resume working. Give them a three month timeline, tell them there will be no reminders. See a Lawyer and get ready to leave.
As I said, you cannot force others. You are in charge of your own life unless you choose to throw your life, like so much meat to the crocs. Trust me. They will gobble it right down.
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cxmoody Mar 2021
This reply should be made into a huge poster.

Man, how it applies to so much of our lives.

Bravo.
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