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My mother-in-law moved in with me and she paid to convert our garage into a living space with a full-size kitchen (except a stove because she has early dementia), a full bathroom, living room, and bedroom. Up until now she’s been living in my sitting room. My bills have gone up significantly. My taxes and homeowners insurance will go up. We will need to put cable in her room, even having basic cable just for her to have TV runs about $100 to 120 a month. She has a full fridge and also has access to my kitchen (since I have a stove) and the rest of my house. It was suggested that I take my total mortgage and divided by the total of number of people living here which would be my husband, myself, my kids and her and that number would give me how much each person technically would have to pay if they were an adult. Then I was told to take my monthly bills and divide them by the amount of people living here and add all of those up accordingly and charge her while this will still save her about $700 a month because she was paying more when she lived on her own. I still feel bad. Even though we cannot afford to support her that way. Also, she was not allowed to live at home. It was either move here with us or go to assisted-living we’re in the Pennsylvania area and around us they take every piece of money you have in the bank, including 70% of your Social Security, so essentially saving her thousands of dollars a month but I still feel bad. I don’t know if I’m looking for guidance or what any help is appreciated.

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My personal stance is if you do not need the money let her save it for her own needs and care.

If you do need just take the amount you need to get to the place where you were before she moved in terms of expenses.
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For me, what she brings in a month would be what I would go by. I think she should pay for her cable. If a landline, she pays. Any special food she wants, she pays. If you want to split utilities do that. She should be paying for the extra taxes for the remodel. Anything for her she pays for. Thats premiums for insurance, that includes home if it went up because of the remodel. But since she paid for the remodel than I can't see charging her rent. You really need something in writing that she agrees with all of this and for that she needs to be competent. Understand what she is writing. I may see an elder lawyer for that.

Another problem, by remodeling your garage, I hope she will not need Medicaid in the next five years. If so, Medicaid looks at that remodel as a gift to you and will cause penalties. Medicaid feels you profit from the remodel when u sell ur home.
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Knbk1010 Jul 2023
She won’t qualify for Medicaid ever- problem is I know we’ll have to replace most of what just got done because she damaged her other home so much- she’s hard on faucets, floors, windows etc. she was easily putting out $1300 a month before. I do cook all her meals unless she eats cereal and I do her laundry, will be cleaning her 550 sq foot addition including bathroom and will be unloading most of her groceries she doesn’t listen that well so I’m sure she’ll have some delivered to her door.
the appraiser said where we live- this May depreciate our value to buyers ( of course they’ll still raise my taxes). We also drive her to most places. She’ll have access to our whole home and her addition . She has plenty of money and seems to spend it on everyone except us… it’s a little baffling
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She has dementia, and it will progress. Someone will need to provide the services she needs. Getting her to the toilet, showering her, making sure she doesn’t wander.

Are you prepared to do such things, and if so, will she pay you to do them?
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Knbk1010 Jul 2023
I’ve already showered her a few times after her last surgery. I’m fine with it- if she becomes a danger or starts making dangerous calls then we’ll revisit things but she’s a couple years from that.

I know we’ll have to replace most of what just got done because she damaged her other home so much- she’s hard on faucets, floors, windows etc. she was easily putting out $1300 a month before. I do cook all her meals unless she eats cereal and I do her laundry, will be cleaning her 550 sq foot addition including bathroom and will be unloading most of her groceries she doesn’t listen that well so I’m sure she’ll have some delivered to her door.
the appraiser said where we live- this May depreciate our value to buyers ( of course they’ll still raise my taxes). We also drive her to most places. She’ll have access to our whole home and her addition . She has plenty of money and seems to spend it on everyone except us… it’s a little baffling and yes, it’s a lot
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Take your pre-construction, pre-move in total and subtract that from the post-construction, post-move in total. Then divide that by 12. That gives you a better idea of her actual usage.

If you cook all her meals and she eats with you all the time, make sure to factor this in as well.

If you drive her around make sure to charge for some gas.

Or else you can have some of those costs paid by ACH directly from her own checking account (like cable) and her Medicare/healthcare (and set up a portal so you can pay her bills for her directly from her checking account online).

I personally would not feel bad to charge her. This isn't taking advantage of her or gouging her... these are fair living expenses. Her living with you (and thus having a 24/7 caregiver) should not cost you/your family. It should be hers to pay. This is what every elder saves their money for when they retire.

We bought my Mom's house (FMV) but she still lives in it. We don't make any money on the rent we charge, it is all pass-through (taxes, utilities she doesn't pay herself, insurance, maintenance & repair, etc).

FYI when an elder qualifies for Medicaid it is usually because they require LTC (so, immobility, profound health issues). This program is what "takes" 70% of SS. Don't fear this... if she's in LTC she won't need the other 30%. We're going through this with my own MIL in LTC on Medicaid here in MN. She gets great care at a great facility in a private room.

What will you do if the caregiving becomes more than you can handle? This is a common problem for many adult children. Burnout is a real challenge, so please read some of the posts under this topic. Bless you for taking such good care of her.
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Regarding all the help that's going to be required, showering her a few times after surgery isn't quite the same as having to do it to keep her clean all the time. Dementia patients get slippery and slidey, and when they start objecting to being clean, they can be afraid of the water, the tub or even you. If I were you, I'd be looking into resources now so you'll have a plan later. When in the middle of the actual difficulty, you'll be glad you have somewhere to turn.

It would be a good idea for you to have a conversation with her about leaving some money - a larger amount, like a couple of thousand dollars - with you for incidental expenses. As her condition worsens (and dementia patients can go downhill really fast), you may need to spend your own money on her. Since she seems to have plenty, you shouldn't do that.

An example would be, when I was caring for my dad at his house, we had two caregivers, my mother and her friend, dad, and then me and another friend who stopped by as I was about to leave to buy take-out at Boston Market. Dad invited all of them to stay to eat with us; he loved Boston Market. Well, off I go to Boston Market with 7 orders, and it was 18 miles away. It wasn't dad's money that got spent, it was mine. My gas, too. And the time I had to run to the medical supply place and buy different catheters. And tip delivery people. These expenses do add up. He never thought to reimburse me, though when I first moved in, he gave me $100 for groceries. When it was gone, I paid for them so that he and his caregivers could eat. I was out of the house by then.

These are minor expenses, right? But when taking into consideration that I was taking care of him and his business instead of working, the loss of income added to miscellaneous expenses ended up being quite a bit to spend.

Prepare now so you won't regret later.
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Knbk1010 Jul 2023
I totally get it - I cared for my parent who was terminally I’ll for five years so I know what’s involved- I didn’t need to ask for money because they just knew to pay for his needs and our time. Nursing homes are $7,500 a month where I live so she can’t afford that- and the ones she can afford is never let her go to- but I also don’t want her to blow her money so that if she ever needs full time care we can do it- so is put away most of what she’d give us- I mean $600-$700 a month covers food and bills . If anything is damaged in her space and we had to redo it that would be difficult so I’m trying to think of the entire family unit. We love her and there are two other kids involved who could care less once they found out she would t provide her social security number so they could get life insurance on her and that she didn’t have a hand out for them - I’m trying here to do the right thing by all of us
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Of course, you can charge her for living expenses. It’s costing money. It’s only fair that you are reimbursed.
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Of course it's OK for her to reimburse you for her share of the living expenses. If she has income she needs to be using it for her needs. I feel this is especially true if there are siblings that will expect to share in her estate when she dies. You shouldn't be expected to cover her living expenses and then share equally at her death.

If you are the only heir and you can afford it, it probably doesn't matter much. But it sounds as if your living expenses are taking a hit with her living with you. Work out something fair, it will help the whole arrangement work better.
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If your kids are still minors, don't factor in their cost of rent and living expenses as if they were adults. They are not adults and kids don't pay for rent, food, taxes, or utilities.

Your mother has her own place at your house. Not a bedroom like the kids have. An apartment. Her own apartment. So she can pay an actual rent and utilities for it.

You should not feel bad for one second charging her rent and utilities. That's common sense. You do her laundry, shopping. errands, and everything else and you have not mentioned even one time about compensation for all that, so I'm assuming you're doing it for free. That's very generous because hiring a homecare agency to do for her would cost her a fortune.

So yes, you should be charging her for rent and utilities costs.
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Knbk1010 Jul 2023
Thank you because I love her but cannot afford to do everything for free. I don’t want us doing a good thing turn ugly- we’re saving her tons of money and making sure that she is well taken care of. My kids who are teens are in and out and she loves our puppy- she is always around people and has a place to retreat to if she doesn’t want to be. I also work from home and maintain our household. So it’s not easy. It’s my hopes that we are teaching our kids that if at all possible, caring for parents in their elder years is such a gift. She brings in about $2500 a month- and has money in the bank - if she couldn’t afford it then I would’ve tried to find a way to cut our expenses but everything has significantly gone up with her here - I do feel bad
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Take 30 % of her social security and charge some Money for utilities . Ask for $500 and some Money for weekly grocery shopping or let her get SNAP Benefits .
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You should charge her rent.
I would divide the household expenses by the number of people.
So if it is you, your husband and MIL you would take ALL the household expenses and divide by 3. If there are 3 kids living at home then you would divide by 6. (frankly if you have 3 kids living at home and if they have jobs they should be kicking in $$ as well)
The fact that she paid to convert the garage if that significantly added value to your property I might reduce her portion of what she should be paying.
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Knbk1010 Jul 2023
Thank you- my kids are teens still except my one daughter. And it actually lowered the value of my home or at best kept it the same . Most houses here have two and three car garages and we have small yards. So according to our realtor- it will take a certain buyer looking at our house- she brings in $3000 a month I just found out so—- I’m at a loss .
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I never had to charge my folks rent because they offered freely, They paid the extra cable, and the Costco bills and gas for the cars. So at that point it didn;t cost me much more.. except for the heating , as mom was always cold! She paid for alot of "extras" and I know we were lucky. But if they had not, then yes I would have come up with a plan for them to help
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