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I am overwhelmed in trying to help my husband as I am struggling myself with a hip injury. He cares nothing about my struggles and doctor appointments or treatment. He had his voice box removed and is going through his hurdles and is doing well under the circumstances. He has become even more passive aggressive than before. I have been having to speak for him, he makes everyone try to read his lips when he decides to communicate, everything must go through me including trying to fill out applications for financial help, grocery shopping doc appointments. I'm in constant pain in my hip and he sits all day not helping much. He ignores me when I try to talk sits and waits for his meals and is always sticking his phone in my face with reminders. He has always been unempathetic towards me in this 39-year marriage. I'm so sad most days and feel like a doormat.

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I am so sorry. Given that you have chosen to stay in this marriage despite his lack of empathy throughout, I cannot imagine what in the world you can do now with both of you having physical difficulties. I am hoping that you have some support of family or friends. I am hoping that others have some helpful hints for you.
Do remember to check with your own MD and your Husband's MD for any resources you are missing. Also check in with your local Council on Aging in your area. Tell them you are seniors trying to stay in your home and need access to all resources they can give you or recommend to you.
I wish you the very best.
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After 39 years, you should know now that your husband will never change. What else do you need to know? Your destiny is in your hands, do whatever you want. Stay with him for another 39 years, or save some peaceful and pleasant time for yourself. You're the master of the environment you want for yourself.
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You need to start by saying no, clear and laud.
Then list all the things he needs to do instead of you.
You are not his maid.
Then get some rest to feel better.
Assuming you are applying for financial help, moving out is not an option, or hiring some help?
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STOP being his voice.
If he wants to be heard and understood there are a variety of ways that he can make this happen.
STOP filling out forms for him, he lost a voice not his fingers.
STOP making doctor appointments for him.
(If he is a Veteran contact the VA or better yet your local Veterans Assistance Commission and see what help he qualifies for. If you do this it is going to help you in the long run and you can be sure it will get done)
**I do have to ask if this is a recent surgery for him? If so he may well be struggling with depression and other issues it might do well for him to see a therapist.
For you....
You need to be priority for yourself right now. You need to care for yourself or you will be of no use to either of you.
What is prognosis for your hip, if you are planning on having surgery make sure your doctor is fully aware of all that is going on at home and that you will get little to no help.
Although hiring a caregiver for both of you might be a great idea. would take a great burden off your shoulders.
If that means having a sit down talk with him and telling him that he needs to go to Assisted Living for a time, sort of like Respite for you. Or alternately you go to AL for a time until you are healthy enough.
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This is a terrible situation and I’m sorry you’re going through it. How about if you stop doing his forms, appointments, and start cooking only for yourself? Would he just sit there and rot? I doubt it. He or someone else would take over. Something tells me he enjoys his power over you. Standing up to a narcissist is never easy, but your hip pain is enough reason to say you’re through. Make a spare room your space if you can and stay in there with your phone, tv, visitors, whatever. When you’ve recovered somewhat, you can decide whether to proceed with a divorce. From your standpoint, there seems to be no reason to continue in this miserable marriage. While you’re holed up in your private space, you can research divorce lawyers online and call a few.
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Free yourself up, he is incapable of taking care of himself, so explore other options like assisted living.

Personally, I would either place him or leave him, no one has the right to abuse another person, not even a spouse.

He will continue to get worse and you will continue to spend your life in a self-imposed hail.

Do what is right for you, don't suffer one day longer at his hands.
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I knew one dear lady who lived with her bully husband and was heard to say she was finally free after he died, but although she didn't have to contend with him she was soon living in a nursing home herself so her freedom came too late. Perhaps a nice little "vacation" at an assisted living for you while you recover will give you some time to ponder whether your marriage is something you want to keep.
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I’m so sorry for this situation, Ball.

What is the prognosis for your hip injury? Does your doctor think it can get better while you are also at home caregiving? Does he or she know what your home life is like?

Could your husband live alone, do his ADL’s for himself, etc.? Would you consider separating?

Hopefully more info might prompt some good ideas from others about how to improve this situation.
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