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I have a huge mess of a problem that began when my parents broke an oral contract they made with me to pay me to take care of them at home. I sold my belongings and left my jobs behind so I could move in to be their full time caretaker, but they did not honor their side of the oral contract. Now my mother’s dementia has progressed and she has violent outbursts, which today culminated in her yelling that she wanted me to leave. Frankly, I’m scared. If this trend continues, she will have me kicked out of my now-home with nowhere to go and no immediate income to take care of myself—all while making outrageous and baseless claims that I am mistreating her (a claim my mother has started loudly making on occasion whenever she doesn’t like a situation, unaware of the gravity or repercussions that may have for all of us). I feel like I need to protect myself before this all hits the fan. Anyone know what I can do?

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I was brief when suggesting you protect yourself from being accused of elder abandonment.

Here, I will explain in detail.

If you spent full time caring for your parents while holding a full time job, then that was too much for you. You and your parents agreed and resolved to pay you to take care of them at home.

You probably do not know much about dementia and thought your parents were as you have always known them… but just declining a bit.

You have made your parents comfortable, so mother insist – “You Leave Now”. When you leave they are back to where they were before– in need of your help and remember nothing about telling you to leave, probably remember nothing about a contract.  Probably will say, “ I don’t know what you are talking about.”

If your parents are unable to care for themselves or their home and the state is called for a welfare check, enters to a place that smells of waste, looks wasted, then as their child you can be held by the state for “Elder Abandonment”.

Talk with an Elder Attorney. Talk with their doctor. They probably will not go to the doctor and become irate because to them - there is nothing wrong with them.

You need legal rights to their estate and to their person. You must be able to financially take care of yourself and take care of them.

Your parents will not pay you. They don’t remember an agreement. 

People with dementia trying to conduct business only create confusion, chaos, total disaster.

Which is what you are experiencing.
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Yep, I see why you're scared, several issues here: but, I'm very concerned about the escalating outbursts. Health and safety FIRST for all of you-- do you know who has legal authority, POA (power of attorney), over Mom's healthcare? Whoever it is, can you ask them if they know your mother's been formally diagnosed with Alzheimer's? Can you convince your father, or another family member to accompany her to her doctor, out of concern over her agression? There may be something medically going on that is contributing to your Mom's aggression, and this needs to be evaluated ASAP.
SECOND-have a heart to heart with your Dad and find out what he hoped you could help them with. Caregiving is a new role for all of you and new roles must be discussed, negotiated, put down in writing, and scheduled as tasks to be done, and revisited weekly. Also, you and Dad will find a lot of caregiver tools and support from your local Alzheimer's Assn.
THIRD--get a life. Family members often do not make the best caregivers because of the dual relationship of caretaker and parent-child relationships, infused with role reversals and power issues. And, expecting to be there 24/7 is unrealistic If you live in California, like I do, housing has become unaffordable without a $50,000 salary. So, I understand options are limited. So consider: going back to work full-time, give your parents money for rent, so they, or you, can hire a caregiver; enlist help of other family. Move out and spend weekends as respite for their paid caregiver. But above all, focus on reclaiming your life.

LASTLY, legalities--seek out an elder law attorney with your siblings and father to set up a living trust or POA, and subsidizing in-home care, including a reverse mortgage if they have enough equity in the home, if they need.
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I am in agreement with haileybug and AlvaDeer. An oral agreement may not hold much weight. If there is no written statement, this may not bode well for you because even if you seek out an attorney, you will need proof of this arrangement in writing.
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Has no one been witness to your services on their behalf? Neighbors, doctors, visitors to the home? Definitely explore the UTI angle. Turns ordinary angels into demons.
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Keep your phone handy and videotape the outburst. Also, get with her doctor right away and document the meeting. The last thing you need is to be accused of elder abuse. You do not have to be abused by your mom. You might have to move her to a long term facility
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Momsonlychild Nov 2020
I’m here to tell you the abuse will only get worse. My mom was physically abusive with me until I was 17. She reverted back to that in the last year and lately it got really bad. We tried many meds. For my own sanity, safety and her safety I finally made the decision to put her in memory care 2 days ago. Physical & verbal abuse isn’t ok.
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Does your mother really mean what she is saying? Are you close enough to your dad to get help in bringing the situation under control? Please give us some examples of the things you have done to precipitate the outbursts; for example, if you promised to perform certain services but aren’t doing them, if you are dating and staying out all night, if you are bringing home bed partners or unwanted guests, not shopping for food, or didn’t get an outside job during the day as you promised. Tell us the type of situations that provoke the outbursts and when your parents started breaking their promise to pay you. At some point, you must have trusted them enough to believe that your situation would improve by being there. Were you holding on to two low paying dead end jobs? Was it you or your parents who proposed that you come and live with them? In most situations of this type, there is either a deep sense of obligation to care for parents even if you can’t stand them or else the perception that the relative caregiver has something to gain by doing it. What did you hope to gain? What did you lose when you moved into their house other than a roof over your head. Regardless of what the answers are, I would tread very lightly if I were in your shoes. You need time to plan your escape and land on your feet. Apologize to your mother and be very compliant until you have time to get a job and find somewhere to live. Then pack your bags and leave and let your parents figure out their next move. Regardless of their level of cognition, it’s clear that you are not the right caregiver for them. If your have siblings who can take over, tell them you are gone the day you leave so they do not let your parents know what you are up to. Good luck!
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Is your name on your parent's home deed?

Do you have any "written documents" stating there is an agreement for you to move into your parent's home to be their caregiver?

Are there any receipts, documents or other evidence to show where you have been paying your part to live there?

If you don't have any of the above - You don't have anything. The law can't help you and an attorney will not either.

You say you left your jobs behind and sold everything? What are you living off of? Your parents money?

This may not be the case here at all but do you know what this looks like to a good attorney? That you are just living off of your parents.

I think it is too late for you to be thinking about all of this now.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
I agree with you Haileybug. A Lawyer may take OP's money to "investigate all this". There goes yet MORE resources down the drain. Because, unless I am mistaken the OP came to this household with nothing but some vague agreement to care for the parents. Nothing in writing. No payment. No receipts. No care contract, nothing signed, no payment of rental. No legal agreement.
First thing may happen in the court is the husband standing up and saying "he/she came home, mooching off of us, we want him gone; he/she is only here to get our money". And will likely WIN.
Some are worrying about leaving a demented Mom. But Dad is there, and nothing is said about his condition prohibiting his dealing with his own wife.
I would be on the run from this situation and fast. Call APS from the corner payphone (I know; they don't exist any more)
Even in the best circumstances we see on Forum if often goes wrong, with a well meaning child returning, giving up job, livelihood, to move in with parent, then left with no work history, no one who will hire them, and no place to live.
My advice would be to run, and fast.
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Normally when a person's dementia declines like this I recommend making sure that all paperwork is in place (will, power of attorney for financial and medical affairs, living will, and the special POA forms that banks often have), while your parents can still sign papers (before a formal declaration of dementia). But in your situation, if there are negative feelings this may not be possible. Is it possible to have a conversation with your mother and father to get POA and to find out what their medical directives are? It might be a way to clarify what kind of care they want now and in the future if things get worse for them. Think out of the box at consider all combinations of you living there but maybe working outside the house or working remotely from your room for part of the day, and hiring help with cleaning, etc. If things look hopeless at your parents' house, you may have to look for a job and place to stay. It won't be easy in these times. I wish you well and hope that you can work things out at home.
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Consult with an Elder Attorney to protect yourself from being accused by the state of elder abandonment.
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rovana Nov 2020
OP has said that her dad is there - wife in his responsibility. I'd leave and fast, but certainly before dad is incapacitated. I don't think OP can deal with this situation with mom's hostility.
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It would help you to have a diagnosis of dementia, on paper, from her doctor. I believe, at that point, she wouldn’t have much ability to initiate any legal procedures, such as eviction.

I don’t know Dad’s opinion on everything going on, but if he also has signs of dementia, you need to get guardianship of both of them. That puts you in the driver’s seat - it sounds that Mom can’t function without your help.
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Your mother cannot kick you out, you are a tenant and you have rights. There is plenty you can do here and both the police and lawyers can help.

When your mother becomes violent, you can call the police. This will not only get the outbursts documented but they can get the ball rolling with APS pretty fast if you wish to get them involved. If she tries forcing you out of the house, the police can and will explain to her why she can’t do that and why they aren’t going to force you to leave. Documenting any violent outbursts will help you later on down the road whether you get APS involved or seek guardianship.

If you speak to a dr, it shouldn’t be your own unless you’re the one who needs to go on medication. Seems someone is suggesting you should talk to YOUR dr about your mother? Yeah bad advice unless you both have the same dr. Your dr doesn’t know your mother’s history and isn’t going to put her on medication because she’s not the patient. You can report your concerns to HER dr but you can’t force her to see her dr.

You can hire an attorney to help you obtain guardianship IF you want to go that route. Guardianship will allow you to take over the finances and place your mother in LTC if she qualifies at this point. If the dementia is advanced she might be a good fit for memory care.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
Wow, are you ever a better person than I am. I don't see people who give up their lives to move in with elders, giving up job, family and life to care for them, end well on Forum. Maybe it is just that those who end well don't write us as often.
I would be waving goodbye to Mom and Dad yesterday, and on my way to a real life. It would be Dad's move what to do about Mom in future.
It's my age plus my disposition. I don't do 24/7 care in any case, but I sure don't do the thankless kind.
I am out of there, likely with the door banging me on the bottom before I can lace up my running shoes. :)
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That is a horrible situation for you. Your mother is gone, and she is potentially dangerous. First of all, bring these acts to the attention of your doctor to see if this can be controlled with medication. Second document every single instance should you ever need to have this information available. Seek the advice of an attorney for your own protection at once. And, most important, DO NOT ALLOW THIS ABUSE TO YOU UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. IT HAS TO STOP AT ONCE. If possible, get out of those conditions and do NOT live with them. They do NOT deserve you and you must not allow this abuse. See if a caretaker can be hired to care for them. Also, start seeing if you can place them in a facility. It is well time for that. I don't know what else to offer but do not put up with this. Tell them you are leaving and then walk away - they don't deserve your help.
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ThreeAgeLove Nov 2020
I see you're rightly concerned about Mom's escalating yelling, that it may be a red flag to more aggressive, even dangerous behavior. I agree with that. But, I disagree with labelling her yelling as "abusive". And, no her mother is not "gone".

It is not uncommon for someone with dementia to act agressively, even endangering their caregiver. Dementias affect the pre-frontal cortex, controlling our social inhibitions. When those are lowered, people with dementia or other disorders, may behave in socially unacceptable ways, not out of intention or ill will but due to the nature of the disease.
The notion of abuse implies that you are misusing your power, authority and higher functioning for a malelovent purpose. But, if you are behaving aggressively due to a disease process, you lack that higher functioning capacity-Mom is not abusing anyone or anything.
There is definitely gray area here, and that's what complicates court cases involving crime and mental illness.
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There is nothing you can do here. The law can't help you, not even an attorney.

Have you ever heard. "It's your word against his/her word."?
Unless it is written, "It is worthless because there is no proof.

You do know how easy it is for someone to not tell the truth?

If your mother's dementia has progressed, I certainly would not attempt in trying to get her to say or write anything. It's not fair to her.

Personally, if it were me, If my mother didn't want me in her home, I would kindly leave. I respect my parents and want them happy. It's their life.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2020
Haileybug, I agree that I would leave if I wasn't wanted. Ruining your own heart to prop someone else up is never a good idea.

The unfortunate situation is that mom is now demented and it sounds as though she is not safe to be left alone.
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Nearly exactly same situation with me and my mother. I had been living in my parents home for 8 years remodeling it (on a budget ). They purchased the home to eventually downsize. It is in a different state than their main residence. Father dies 5 yrs. ago and my brother and I convinced mom to move into the house with me so I could continue to care for her. After my father’s death, I was driving 70 miles about every 10 days to clean the home, buy her groceries and help with doctor visits. I moved her with the help of a moving company (5 bdrm 3 bath home into a 2 bedroom 2 bath). Immediately problems surfaced. Mom was unhappy and mad! I moved her into a senior living apt. and she was happy for a bit. Five months into it, she claimed she couldn’t afford the apt.. and wanted to move back with me. I went into full remodel mode to quickly get the home ready for her. I painted and painted and moved furniture...it was a lovely place for her. I moved all that I could into one room for myself so she could have 80% of the house to herself. That just wasn’t enough. After 3 months my mom approached me one early morning before Work to inform me that she is selling the house and I have 1 week to get out! She is 93 with Diabetes, can’t hear and not able to walk without a walker. Can’t bathe herself and is very frail. Long story short, I moved in with a friend, taking only a few items. She bought another home back in her former town out of state and moved EVERYTHING without my knowledge. By everything I mean she took all of my personal belongings and furniture with her. Left me with nothing!! I couldn’t go near her before this happened because she kept threatening me with elder abuse. I have a lawyer and a lawsuit against my elderly mom. I will never have a relationship with her again. I am so lonely, angry and confused as to how this got to this level. I just wanted to take care of mom. Lesson here is NEVER trust family. NEVER volunteer yourself to care for elderly parent(s). Too risky and rarely turns out without hurt relationships.
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Lockett2166 Nov 2020
I agree with you that you can never, ever trust another human being and if they have dementia, especially so. I have been horribly harmed by a couple of people with dementia and I stay away from anyone if I sense even the slightest problem. You must find a way to get away and have your own life - let them fall by the wayside. You have no choice but to protect yourself - walk away while you still can.
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You need to get a POA as soon as possible. You need that and something in writing to legally keep you there. It may be time to get legal advise and help.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
But the parents are now yelling for the OP to "leave". That makes it extremely unlikely that they will sign for a POA. And in the case of the Mom, who has apparently dementia, she is unlikely to be deemed capable of appointing a POA, which is a voluntary act to be taken only by the mentally competent.
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Choose the appropriate time when your mom seems to be herself and have the agreement already hand written and video you reading it to her and if she doesn't want to Agree and Sign it. Then kindly explsin to them that you are giving them a 30 or 60 Day Notice that you will be moving out just as soon as you find a job and get an Apartment and you'll be happy to help them interview someone for help.

If your mom is able then make an appointment at your Bank and get the Agreement Letter Notarized.

If thst isn't possible, have 2 Witnesses there when your mom signs it.



Tgen, get a job and Move Out.
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I have to disagree with those who say move out.
This is when the hard work begins, if you are up to it. Your mom needs you. People with dementia often get scared and become mean. it is an expression of fear. I encourage you to read Bob Demarco's Alzheimer's Reading Room. https://www.facebook.com/alzheimersreadingroom/
He was able to turn around his mother's meanness through his own behavior.

Another thing you should be doing is reviewing her meds - read side effects of each one - especially the newer ones. It could be a rare side effect. You can do this yourself along with your pharmacist. My mother screamed and told me to "get out" once - yes very scary. But I found out it was a new med she was taking for neuralgia. Her neurologist was completely unaware of this side effect. Taking her off of it was hard too, but once a few days passed it all went away, never to come back. I know that statins are also not good for people with dementia.

Hang in there - don't give up.
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Lockett2166 Nov 2020
I agree that all attempts to get help should happen but as you know when dementia strikes, that is often impossible. Then, n o matter who or what or why, you must have the guts to the action and preserve yourself. YOU do NOT deserve abuse and you must protect yourself. They are gone and need to be removed from your life and placed somewhere. Do not allow yourself to live in hell because they have dementia.
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You don't mention your dad in this, just mom. Is dad willing to work this out with you? And, even if he did, are you willing to continue with the deal they made?
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1st of all someone posted on here most courts will honor oral agreements. Sorry my experience is this is just not accurate.
As you have nothing in writing I assume you are not the legal guardian and you do not have power of attorney?
If you want to stay in the house have you considered getting your parents to go with you to see a therapist or a clergy or even an attorney?
Even if you had a written agreement to be paid and what kind of support you would provide IE hours a week etc. Without legal guardianship and or power of attorney The best a written document does is give you something to put in front of them and say "it is written here you owe me, you need to keep your commitment" If you were to want to "legally" hold them to a written agreement it is a civil matter so you would have to go to court, possibly hire an attorney put money out up front. If they escalated it by hiring an attorney it can get VERY expensive fast and without a written agreement it is your word against theirs. If you feel a need to pursue a legal course do you have any emails or letters between you and your parents from when you were negotiating this deal. That might hold up.
Do you have any siblings? Uncle or Aunt you can turn to for help?
Based on what you have written here you need to NOT be concerned for your parents and find a way out of this house. Sooner the better. I suggest you go to your church or a church. They may have resources to help you. IE pay for a hotel for X number of nights until you get a job etc. Maybe they know someone to take you in. Get ahold of the county social services people see what they have to help you. If things are really bad you are a woman, you can call the police. They are always more sympathetic towards women in these bad situations. They may be able to get you to a womans shelter. If you have no where to go or you feel you just cant leave yet. Sit down with a calander and calculator. Figure out you are planning to get out by X date. Figure out how much money you will need by that date, then figure out where you will get it. Friends loan, get a job, family? Gofundme.com
Between today and the day you depart You need to get a level set for the time remaining. Put something in writing between you and your parents outlining the go forward conditions of the arrangement. IE the money, how many hours you give them, what kind of tasks you will do. Hopefully they will sign it. Even if they do not give them a copy, maybe post a copy on the refrigerator or someplace in a common area.

Some time you need to find a theerapist for yourself
I see this child parent conflict on here way toooo often. This does permanant damage and it can go thru generations.

With all of us living sooo much longer we ALL need to be considering how we are planning our elderly years so we are not in this spot.
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Lockett2166 Nov 2020
When YOU are being abused, and you can't stop it, walk away and prepare for your own safety and peace somewhere else. Do not try to fix what can't be fixed.
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Do you have financial POA? If so, have you been 'paying' yourself? Keeping all records?

What is going on with their health that they needed full-time in-home care?

Do you have MPOA? If so, talk to the Doctor about their health situation & what care is recommended. Does your Mother have dementia diagnosed? What about your Father? Is he reasonable?

If you do not hold any authority (POAs etc) then back on out of there quick smart until A. You have them or B. The court appoints you guardian.

Provide friendly visiting instead & call APS as needed.

The burden of providing a care plan (either live-in or not) without any authority is a very dangerous situation for any carer. The carer needs to make changes to the care plan as needs change.

You set out with good intentions to be their valued carer. You are right to be having a clear look at the current picture. Can that be obtained? Or do they just want a free servant?
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Get a job, move, and leave them to rot.
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Beatty Nov 2020
Sounds tough when you put it like that but so true!

You cannot help those that won't accept your help.

If they won't pay family for care provided - they can pay 'non-family' or go without & rot as they choose.
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This is not a safe situation for you. Please find a job near where you currently live, save your money, and move out when you can.

Meanwhile, please get your mom to a doctor for evaluation. She may need an anti-anxiety medication or a mild sedative to help calm her a bit. She also will need a consistent routine - no changes at all once it is established - to decrease her anxiety and frustration. It appears that your mother tends to "lash out" when she is frustrated or anxious as a part of her personality and method of coping. Expect this to increase as her dementia progresses. When you have a better life situation, please help your mother get into memory care with professionals trained to deal with her extreme behavior.
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I know you had good intentions, but oral agreements are meaningless. Please pack and leave their home. Contact APS and inform them of the situation. You are being abused. Please recreate your own life and take care of your own health. You truly tried, but it is clearly an abusive situation.
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Momsonlychild Nov 2020
I promise you it only gets worse. For the last few months my mom has hit me, kicked me, twisted my wrists in addition to her verbal abuse. We finally came to the decision we couldn’t live like this anymore. She moved into Memory Care today. Best place for her to be and we can be safe as well. Please leave while you can.
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Do u have power of attorney or guardianship of your parents? Talk to her doctor and they know how to do the paperwork. Trust me, don't put it off. You will then have legal protection.
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I know I have already commented but just thought I would add you a real life experience.

A lady paid her dad for a portion of his land to move her home there. A few years later, he got mad with her and told the police he wanted her off of his property.

The police said the lady had to comply with dad's request. She then went to the Magistrate for help.

Guess what??? The Magistrate told her there was nothing he could do for her if she did not have any documented proof that she bought a portion of the land. sorry
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How does your dad stand on this situation? I agree we need to have a bit more info, or did I miss something?
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Avk, most states will honor verbal agreements. You moving in and selling all of your belongings shows that there was an agreement. Whatever that agreement was will be sorted out if this goes to the law. Hopefully, that won't happen. Receiving your mail and having your state or federal identification reflect their address is proof of residence and you can not just get kicked out. They can have you evicted though and not having any of the above done makes it difficult to prove that you live there with an agreement.

Does your mom see a doctor? You need to notify them that she is becoming violent, this may be a urinary tract infection or something that is easily treatable with medication. Rule of thumb: contact the doctor when there are any sudden, dramatic changes in anything when dealing with a senior person that has cognitive impairment. They lose the ability to communicate effectively and that makes your job really difficult.

What does your dad say about everything that is going on?

If you are not welcome for whatever reason and they are both being difficult, you are better off to find a place to crash, get a job and report vulnerable seniors to APS. Accusations of elder abuse are not something that you want to deal with. So you have to protect yourself from your parents if they both are making noises about abuse.
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FloridaDD Nov 2020
I really do not agree with this.  At BEST, OP has a month to month rental (and may be able to delay if there is a no eviction rule in her state right now).   She does not get a lifetime estate in the house.   But good luck in asking an attorney.

Generally contracts longer than a year or involving real estate have to be in writing, but it may vary by state
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You have to leave. As in be out of there by tonight. Go to a friend, shelter, hotel, anyplace... but get out. Never, never give up your job and home for anyone again!

Call APS on parents after you’re gone.
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I am sorry.  If you have no where to go, start contacting women's shelters where you live and start looking for a job.  When you find a job, hopefully you can rent a room with someone, or at local Y.  Good luck.
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There is absolutely nothing you can do. It is your parent's home and by law, they can ask you to leave.

You don't have any legal proof of it being your home. Word of mouth means nothing. Your word against their word.
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