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My 95 year old mother is a hoarder, gambling addict and recently started drinking nightly. How do you get past the guilt and the feelings that you have done something wrong? I think she is treating me worse because I don’t go to her house every day or call her every day. She has made the choice to live alone. I can’t even get her to go to the doctors. She cancelled the foot doctor appointment. She won’t let me schedule a doctors appointment with her primary care physician. She treated me like sh*t at Christmas. She also left a voicemail on my phone last Friday night screaming that she is almost out of her heart medicine and did I call the doctor to find out where her medicine is? I talked to her Sunday. My birthday was Saturday. She never even mentioned my birthday on Friday or when I called her Sunday. How do you let go of the hurt? I have always made it a point to get her a card and present and take her out to dinner. Our relationship has gone from bad to worse. How do you heal from it? How do you stop feeling guilty and internalizing it? I can’t even imagine ever treating my kids like crap or vice versa. How do you deal with it?

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Thank you peanuts and struggling for your heartfelt answers. This site has helped me so much and I know that I am not alone. You have all been there before too. Thank you so much for your help.
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How I stopped the guilty feelings and the internalization was by reminding myself regularly that I am a caring person but I need to take care of my own needs first so that I have the ability to care for and about others. I'm guessing that your mom is not used to your establishing boundaries.
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Hi, Im not really sure if it is guilt you feel- might just be the sense of freedom and your not used to unwinding. When I first started to learn what a mess I was in, I too, thought it was guilt. Turns out, I was fighting the realism that I was making a move towards being healthier in my own life and because of the way I was raised, treated and past life experiences, I gave it the guilt name- CUZ PEOPLE LIKE US carry the shame given to us, for not being enough. If you got a puppy, and the only thing you did was yell BAD DOG wouldnt you expect the dog to hang their head- just like we all did?! Well, try re-naming that feeling- no one is ever guilty of learning another thing about life- never guilty of doing something for you, never guilty about sleeping better.....I would suggest a different approach to the learning curve.
No more guilt- excitement for new way of living.
Now, for the hurt part....THAT IS ON HER- not yours to carry, her bad, not yours. I have had stuff said to me that stopped total strangers cold. A cop told me "ill pray for you" when a neighbor heard the screaming battle. The hurt you carry can only be discharge by you. You have to realize that someone handed you a big heavy box or stinking rotten garbage and said, HERE- this is yours. And there you are walking around 24/7 in everything you do holding on to this heavy box that reeks and is about to break your back and arms, its that heavy. DROP that box! Its not even yours- its someone elses garbage you lug around all day, preventing you from touching anything, breathing fresh air, the first thing people see when you walk into a room is that box of ugly. NO MORE! That exactly what I pictured in my head and thats what flipped a switch for me. I pray it works for you-it set me free. I dont look back and I dam sure dont go back. Im here if you need me.
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Carolinafran thank you for your response. I’ll have to read that book. Thank you for suggesting it.
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Rbuser, no you did not take over my post. Thank you for replying!!! I saw my mother today and I saw her this past Sunday. Both times when she started dwelling about something and then asking me what I thought, I just replied sweetly, gee I don’t know. Then I quickly changed the subject to the weather or something and it worked!!! 10 years ago it wouldn’t have worked. She would have told me to stop changing the subject and I would have told her no more brain teasers!!!! But I’m trying NOT to react and change the subject. So far so good. It’s a work in progress.
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Elaine, I've been reading your thread and learning some things from it. I am a somewhat similar deal with my mom but this is not new to me just recently she has moved out of my home. The phone calls are just starting back up.
Like you, I'm setting boundaries.
One call is all reactionary (me) then I cave and tell her I'll do what she wanted and not what I told her I could do and she has changed and said no, no that's ok in an almost nice tone.
She is still pulling my strings. or pushing buttons. So, yes. Push/pull. It has only been a couple of days and I need to get a grip.
Don't mean to take over this post. Just reading how you've been able to handle things gives me some hope that I can deal with mine too.
take care.
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Hi Needhelpwithmom, thank you for asking. I went no contact these last few days and worked up the courage to see her today. She was in a good mood. Also, when she asks me my opinion on something that I know would cause an argument, I just answered like my kids answer her, I just smiled and said I don’t know. Then I switched topics fast. It worked. She’s always pondering why someone said or did something and then wants my opinion. It always ends up her saying no that’s not it and me yelling back at her. I didn’t do that this time. I just sweetly said I don’t know and switched topics. She went to the grocery store last Friday so she is all set for food. She said when she was at wegmans, a man asked her if she would like a rose? She said sure. He handed it to her. He took it out of the bouquet he was buying and handed her a single rose and said here, this for you. I thought that was so nice. People have given her 5.00 before and paid for her dinner because she looks like a homeless person. Boy, if they only knew. If they only new she gambled my fathers fortune away. Thank you for asking. That was so nice of you!!!
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CarolinaFran Jan 2020
Have you read the 36-Hour Day book about dementia? One of the chief suggestions is not to argue, which sets you up for frustration. There are examples of ways to avoid escalation of the problem.
Thank you for your transparency and example of finding a different way to approach problems.
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I just came across this again and the first thing that popped into my mind was "my brothers never seemed to feel guilty". Never even to the point they at least called her on the phone to see how she was doing. My DH called his Mom every Sunday after his Dad passed. But I don't think he ever felt "guilty" that she was in Fl and we were in NJ. She tried, but he always felt the move to Fla was her choice. She could always come back to NJ.
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Elaine,

How are you? Are things any more peaceful with your mom? Been thinking about you. Hugs!
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elaine: You're very welcome! Yes, you will garner a LOT of information from this great forum.
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Thank you Llamalover for your birthday wishes and advice. I am so thankful and grateful for this agingcare forum. It helps me so much!!
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A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, elaine! You have done a STELLAR job thus far as a loving daughter, BUT you no longer can allow yourself to be treated as your mother's doormat. Get her RXs called in and if she doesn't want to seek medical help for her mental illness of hoarding and getting help with her gambling addiction, that is NOT ON YOU. Prayers to you, dear lady. Take care of you.
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Thank you so much lealonnie for your heartfelt answer. I will have to post your answer and everyone’s answer on my refrigerator and read it daily. At some point I know I will have to go back to seeing a therapist. I went for years on and off. I went continuously for 5 years up until last year. My health insurance said no more. How the hell does health insurance know when enough is enough???? Anyway, my therapist said I can always come back. I will be going back in the future. Thank you everyone for your heartfelt responses.
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Happy belated Birthday Elaine.......I'm just seeing this post now, for some reason.

My heart hurts for all you're being put thru with your mother, who seems to be worsening on a DAILY basis. Truthfully, all you CAN do here is back off. Set boundaries and don't let her cross them. Get her meds called in and do whatever else is necessary to keep her alive & well, but that's IT. You're not a scratching post anymore and it's okay to say that out loud, to mean it, to demand it, and to NOT feel guilty about not allowing anyone to mistreat you. You have done more for your mother than 99% of daughters in your position EVER would have done, and you need to see that and to appreciate it........pat yourself on the back for it, too. Now it's time to step back & allow mother to self-destruct. You will, of course, step back in when she DOES fall apart, which she will, and then you will visit her in the hospital and speak with her doctors, etc. But until that time comes, you are doing the right thing by limiting your calls and your contact with the toxicity.

Don't allow ANYONE to make you feel guilty about your decision, either. Enough is enough.

You are a spectacular daughter and you have the patience of Job. Truly, I admire you and your Herculean strength to date.

Press on. Stick to your guns with the decision you've made here, knowing full well that you ARE here for your mother when she TRULY needs you. You're just no longer willing to take the verbal abuse you've BEEN taking for all this time.

As far as healing is concerned, you have GOT to attribute your mother's behavior to mental illness ENTIRELY. It's not that she doesn't love you, most likely......it's just that her mental illness takes precedence over EVERYTHING else in her life, including you, and then her addictions take over the rest of it. Anxiety, addiction, mental illness..........she's a molotov cocktail who's refused to see the reality of her situation for ALL these years. That's the truth, and that's at the heart of the matter; not hatred for you. As the dementia progresses, all the other mental conditions magnify, and what you have is a gigantic MESS that no human being can deal with effectively. It's not you, it's her. I've watched my own mother toddle down this same road (minus the addictions) and she too has become nearly impossible to deal with. I remind myself daily it's not my fault, and it's not her fault either, really...........it's just a mental illness that's never been addressed or treated. We ALL suffer as a result.

Sending you love and hugs, my friend.
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Thank you everyone for your answers. I read each and every one of them. I need to keep reading them over and over till it sinks in my head. You all have words of wisdom!! So much wisdom. Thank you!! She has been in a psychiatric facility before but that was way back in 1978. What is the bakers Act? How would I get her to go to a psychiatric facility? I called her doctor and got her medicine and brought it to her on Monday, Barbbrooklyn. I know I should have let her handle it but I ended up calling her doctor and getting it myself. This is all so overwhelming for me.
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BarbBrooklyn Jan 2020
So, Elaine; did you talk to anyone at her doctor's office about your mother's mental state?

If you go each month and pick up her meds, you cast yourself as the responsible party.

Is that who you want to be?

You need to let her doctor know, officially and in writing that you are no longer taking on this role. That if your mother is competent, she will be responsible for her own healthcare and meds. To my way of thinking, any other way lies madness .
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I feel once some people feel that it is acceptable to treat others shabbily, they continue doing so. They aren’t going to change.

They place these ideas in their own minds and simply won’t budge. There are so many close minded people. It would never occur to them that they are wrong. They can’t see or admit that they are rude.

Or she could be stressed and scared and taking it out on you. Doesn’t it seem that people hurt the people that they should love the most? I think it’s because they feel safe with them.

They normally wouldn’t treat strangers like that because they know a stranger wouldn’t put up with it. Here’s the thing though, no one should have to put up with it.

Pride and stubbornness can be ugly behavior. Some people feel entitled and always feel it’s other’s responsibility to change to suit their needs.

Elaine, you do not have to adapt to suit her. You know that have not done anything wrong. So you do what you think is best for you.

I can’t say what is mental illness or not. I don’t know her. Especially if this isn’t a new behavior and it is a part of her character that always existed.
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Get some therapy for yourself, and get some distance. You have to for your own health. Call APS on your mom and let the chips fall where they may. Change your phone number if you have to. We wouldn't let anyone else treat us like this, just because she's your Mom doesn't mean she has a special pass on verbal abuse. Please, get some help and boundaries for yourself!
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The hoarding, gambling and drinking are all signs of mental illness - addictions - used as poor coping mechanisms for whatever stress/frustration/mental illness/dementia. She probably yells at you when she gets frustrated and confused. Sorry she isn't calmer or nicer. Sorry that she also seems to have become phobic about going to the doctor (going out at all?). Since she will not let you help her, I would call APS. She may need to have them "Baker Act" her to a psychiatric hospital to get treated. Don't feel guilty about the distance, you're keeping yourself sane by maintaining healthy boundaries. Also don't feel guilty to call APS, you're trying to help her when she won't let you help or help herself.
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Another thought:
You are not doing anything to your mom by backing off. She made the decision to put distance between you. You are simply responding to her actions.
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Have you spoken to her doctor's office about the medication?

I would have simply hung up when she started screaming.
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I imagine it is easier said then done but I would think you get past the guilt simply by the way she treats you when you engage with her. She leaves you feeling awful. You don't deserve that. It is a choice she makes and not just a recent one.

I have a mother who avoided medical treatment for years thinking she could pray away any situation. It may have helped her a little mentally but it didn't avoid 2 hip replacements,a knee replacement,aortic valve replacement to mention the most serious issues. She is overweight. Right now she is suffering from bad back pains. I feel bad and communicate with the staff at AL to try to get her some relief but she is 89 and has a host of medicati issues. Yes many people at 89 can have those but as my husband words it there is so much deferred maintenance. She has brought on so much with her choices in life. I could never leave her with any of my children when they were young. They are all now in their 30's so that tells how long she has been a form of invalid. I feel bad she is not well but I am not responsible. I tried for decades to help her but she never changed. My point here is you cannot change your mother but you can be in control of how you deal with her. If she constantly makes you feel bad after you reach out then reach out less. You have no reason to feel guilty and you need to empower yourself as so many who visit this site also need to do. We can only control the people we are and our own behaviors. I know I am a much more involved grandmother. I have always wished my mother had differed behaviors but bottom line is she didn't so I am not going to let that hurt my present and hopefully future life. I hope that you find the strength you need to cope.
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My mother called me today to tell me her great niece had a baby on January 1st.,We talked for a bit about the baby and her name , weight, etc.,Then for the 10th time I have heard this she says I don’t know why Bea (the baby’s great grandmother who is 89 years old) says to my mother that the baby was being born on December 24th. I told her gently maybe she meant her due date, my mother says no because Bea told me she was going to be a Christmas baby. Then my mother says something about a C section and I said well maybe they were going to do a C section and then decided she didn’t need one. My Mother starts screaming at me ThATS NOT IT!!! I said well maybe they thought she was going to have the baby on December 24th but it came late and she didn’t have it till January 1st. She says yes that’s it. Then she says I’m hanging up now!!! This is how she treats me. Still not going over there. Almost ready to call APS. Just venting. But I am getting closer to making that call. But I haven’t gone over there so that is a step in the right direction. Sorry about all the venting.
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anonymous275053 Jan 2020
Hi Elaine1962. You always script the most beautiful of posts and I love reading what You have to say. Being a full time Care giver to a loved One is a very tough Vocation. I call it ' VOYAGE OF DISCOVERY ' where We discover Our strengths and weaknesses, successes & failures. It's good to vent, We all need to let off steam every once and a while.
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Thank you so much everyone for the birthday wishes. It was very sweet of all of you . My husband and I went out for dinner on my birthday and it was delicious. Circling skies, thank you for the suggestion of the book. I will have to order it and read it. Thank you everyone for all of your support!! Deeply appreciated!!
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Happy belated birthday, Elaine. Did you do something nice for yourself? I hope so.

As for your questions on how to get past the guilt and let go off the hurt, I'm no therapist, but I think with time, the guilt and the hurt will lessen. Perhaps a good therapist will have some ways that you can use to speed up the process.

One suggestion, when the guilt pops up in your head, immediately and consciously think of two things/reasons that will counteract with the guilt, such as the numerous and specific things you have done for your mother, and specifically how your mother is responsible for her own situation.

As for the hurt, when it pops up in your head or heart, think of at least two people who are good to you, who you hold near and dear to your heart. Those people should take up the space in your heart. Let their affection and love for you push away the hurt your mother causes.

I use the method above for myself and it helps me get through the difficult moments. Hope it'll help you, too.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Great suggestions! I’ve had to look at the whole picture too. If I don’t I sink into depression.
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Hi Elaine. Happy belated birthday!
I don't know if this will help or not, but it is my experience and my thoughts on the matter. I hope it helps you.
My mom is 94. I think to some degree parents can in their kids make us "responsible" for them if we are their primary caregiver. As such it is not good, but natural that they hold us accountable for everything. It is inexcusable that they yell at us, etc, but they panic occasionally because of their lack of control over their lives.
I am learning that I cannot please my mom in that regard. She will always have needs I cannot take care of. She has control over her happiness. She can make efforts to socialize even if just over the phone. She can keep her doctor appointments.
I think the lack of control is why they don't like the doctors, etc. I learned a long time ago that we could change doctors every time she wanted and she would still be unhappy.
In her mind it is another person's fault. "If she would only....", "If my doctor would..."
I try to give her as much freedom as possible, but in the end she has to accept her situation.
As for your birthday, most elderly people become very self-centered as they age. Their world becomes very small. Part of it is their own doing. They are difficult to deal with so people don't try too hard to be with them. Try not to take it personally. I know you want a mother's love. Just realized she is most probably not capable of giving it to you. If you don't expect it perhaps you can handle the disappointment better. On some level there is either a relationship with your mother as a caregiver or a relationship with her as her daughter. Not both.
Please know you are not alone in this. You are to be commended for caring as you do.
Take care of yourself.
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Hi Elaine!

So sorry this is happening. Been in your shoes and still kinda am. The guilt is so hard to handle. When you know you have done everything you could possibly do and that is not “enough”. I want to tell you something I realized. It will never be enough. You cannot make people do things they won’t or don’t want to do themselves. It’s selfish to depend on someone to bring you health, happiness, and security (talking about your parent). This must all come from within. You can only work on yourself. Ask yourself “what will truly make me feel good?”. I have had the same behavior enabling my own father, and it sucks because you think you’re actually helping them but instead you’re just falling deeper and deeper in the hole. You can care and decide not to go down a path of depression, emptiness, and obligation.

big hug to you❤️❤️
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Hi Elaine!
Happy belated birthday!! I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. My mother is an alcoholic and a hoarder, and her mother is mentally ill. I recently purchased a book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. I recommend this book to everyone. It's helped me more in a few weeks than years of therapy. No joke. I wish I could post a few pictures of the pages here.

It's based on decades of psychological research and explains EVERYTHING. It discusses the types of emotionally immature parents, why they are this way, what it does to their children's coping strategies and personality development, and how it tends to have a ripple effect through generations. It talks about these parents' preoccupation with themselves, their lack of ability to take responsibility, anticipate future problems, communicate feelings, cope with stressors (often resulting in addictions), and how they resist repairing relationships and become overly fixated on family roles and guilt tripping. It also teaches you ways to manage your interactions with such parents, set healthy limits, break the cycle of negativity, and how to recognize and surround yourself with more emotionally mature and healthy people. Seriously, this book is a goldmine. If you're even just remotely thinking this could be helpful to you, or a loved one, order it. It's on Amazon and it's cheap. While it's helped me immensely in understanding my mother, it's also helped me understand so much about myself, it's improved my relationship with my husband (we read the book together sometimes), and I believe it will help me be a more emotionally healthy parent myself. Good luck!
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Elaine,

John McCain’s mom is 107! Can you even imagine living that old? She lives with her one living child. She has outlived her husband and two of her children.

I wonder how long our moms will live. Mine is 94. Yours is 95. My cousin is 98. My great aunts lived to be almost 100. My uncle was 96 when he died. God, I hope that I don’t live that long!
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Needhelpwithmom, yes!!! I will be your sister in spirit!! I have a brother and 2 sons. No girls. We can be sisters in spirit!!
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Awww Needhelpwithmom you made me cry. But happy in a good way tears!!! Thank you so much!! Thank you for all the encouragement you have given me. It really does help!!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
You have helped me too. We have to be here for each other, right? I grew up with brothers. I always wanted a sister. You can be my sister in spirit, if that’s okay with you. 💗
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