Hi, everyone. Here I go again....
I love my Grandmother so much. I moved in with her because of a fall at age 89, she is now 91. She has a daughter close but she's busy at country clubs, fancy dance lessons, taking cruises. Rich people stuff. No time for mother. It's almost my birthday, I asked if I could get a hotel room for two days as a gift. My aunt thinks I want to gamble and use the room for intimate relations. Guys, I just want a bed I can lay in and not think. That's right. I want to do nothing for two days and clear my head. I sit here, day after day after day answering the same questions hundreds of times per day. Anyway, my aunt is APPALLED that I would even make a foolish request like that. "You have plenty of alone time after mama goes to bed. I don't understand."
Well, that's true, she doesn't understand. It's ok that I have no friends and I can't leave the house. All I'm asking for is two days. Am I being selfish? Don't hold back. Give me the truth. Thanks, guys!!
"Hi, I’m Randy. I’m forty years old. My Grandmother is mending after a broken hip and suffers from dementia. The past ten months have been very difficult. I’ve always been very close to my Grandmother; I love her so much. I’m living with her. Unfortunately, I am unable to work, have friends, or go out. I spend every waking moment with Grandmother. I have family around the corner but they are rich and treasure their alone time, so I have ZERO help. I’ve gained a lot of weight because I can’t go anywhere. I love my life helping Grandmother but I need a life too; I don’t know what to do."
What you need to 'do' is this: Call your aunt immediately and let her know it's HER turn to care for HER mother entirely and/or figure out what to do next, that you are FINISHED with your role as her caretaker. At 40 years old, you've now become homeless and jobless b/c of your 'obligation' to care for your grandmother, is that right? NOW is the time to get out of this role and on with your own life, before it's too late.
I sincerely hope you will realize the importance of my statement to you, and not misinterpret it. YOUR life is important. YOUR future is even more important here b/c you are 40 with a whole life ahead of you; grandma is 91 and has lived her life. Your aunt doesn't want to give up her fancy lifestyle to bother herself with taking care of her mother, so it's all left to YOU, and look where you're at now! It's time to cry Uncle and say ENOUGH.
Wishing you the best of luck getting out of this situation; go back to being the granddaughter where you come by to visit grandma instead of the 24/7 caregiver.
You put yourself in a tough spot. Although stepping in during a time of crisis to help your grandmother was admirable, you now see the consequences of giving up your life at only 40 years old to not work and move in with her 2 years ago. If you don't start digging yourself out of the hole now, your hole will only get deeper.
You also have no legal rights. You are not your grandmother's legal guardian or power of attorney. It sounds like you don't get paid. You are basically back to living like a child whose beholden to your grandmother for putting a roof over your head and food in your stomach. You are 40, not 4, and unless you start to look for a job and prepare yourself financially to live independently again, I see no way out for you.
Your grandmother and aunt appear to have enough money to hire proper help for your grandmother. That may include home services but it also may include moving to assisted living. Your grandmother's needs are only going to increase. You are only getting older.
Your job prospects right now may be the best they have been in a long while because employers in service industries are desperate for workers. You have to start somewhere. Start applying for jobs now.
Tell your aunt that she needs to hire in-home help for her mother. You do not need to explain yourself to your aunt as to what you want to do during your time outside the house such as interviewing for jobs. You need to start earning money because, frankly, money makes the world go round and that's reality.
If you don't start earning and saving money so that you can rent a room, have money to get back and forth to work, buy groceries, etc. then you will never be prepared for the inevitability that your grandmother will die. And once your grandmother dies it doesn't sound like you'll be getting any help from your aunt. You've saved your aunt LOTS of money but you won't be benefitting from any of it.
What skills do you have? What jobs are available in Broken Arrow?
I'm coming back to add that your stepping in at a time of crisis is admirable, but what started as a temporary desire to help seems to have morphed into you being the permanent solution. It's way past time to renegotiate, grandmother's money needs to be used to pay for her care. If you do decide to stay you need to be given time off and paid for the hours you work, don't let anybody tell you anything different. You hold the cards here because family caregivers are almost always the least expensive option, not to mention they actually CARE.
Perhaps consider a different care situation for your grandma.
You should have a normal life, with friends, and that ability to “think”.
Please don’t throw away the best years of your life.
That’s not just a turn of phrase. It’s the God’s honest truth.
There IS a way to change this situation. Take it piece, by small piece.
Best wishes.
You can hire a Caregiver that will come in for a few days. I am sure you get a budget to pay for things that grandma needs.
You as a last resort could tell your Aunt that you will be gone from ....and give her the date and time you will leave. If Aunt does not show up or send someone call 911 and ask for transport to the Hospital say that you can not care for her and it is not safe that she be alone.
Before doing this I would pack up your belongings and be prepared to find another place to stay.
I do hope you have been getting paid to care for grandma.
Working with no break as you have been is not legal and you could report the conditions. And if you have not been getting paid that should be reported as well.
if she is unable to care for herself & needs constant care, who is POA, who has the day of her being admitted to a long term care facility? You might check that too
(((hugs))) You're so good to help your grandmother but it sounds like your aunt has abandoned her responsibility as a daughter.
Based on what you are saying it sounds like you are burnout. That's very understandable giving your daily routine. We all start with good intentions but sometimes the situation escalates over time and our feelings change.
If you need a break it should be honored. I would try and talk to a social worker and find some community supports or through church. Getting help is the right first step.
I tried to do it all on my own and in hindsight, I should have accepted it. I've never tried to bother other people but it was the wrong thought to have. I became so resentful and angry at the end.
You're only 40 years old. And you should have your own life. No matter how much you love your grandmother it seems like her needs are changing and maybe she should be in a nursing home.
Thinking of you, x