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Mom appointed both or either to have access under 45 CFR chapter 164. We both are authorized to receive health information. This was done 7 years ago and never needed until now. Mom has dementia and was in the hospital and follow ups with her primary and a new doctor of cardiology. I asked for the office note and recently received it. It is a consultation letter from cardiology back to the primary. At the bottom it says my sister does not want him or the primary discussing the mother’s care with me and they will honor that! On the side it lists allergies, meds history, medical, surgical and family. Under family it says mother requests that doctor does not communicate with me and says apparently that I don’t have legal rights to see this information.


This is after stating she has dementia, doesn’t remember being in the hospital or going to her primary doctor the previous day.


Should I confront my sister? Or send a certified letter to both doctors and the hospital with my POA and protected health form that was done in a lawyer's office years ago?

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You may want to consult with an elder attorney. It may get nasty if your sister is not wanting to work as a team with you.
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If your mother didn't create a new PoA (making your sister the only one) then you may need to have an elder law attorney send a letter to her demanding she show proof of a new document or else it will go to court and the judge will demand to see it. But don't make threats you aren't willing to follow through with. And, it will cost you money.

If there isn't a new PoA and you are still a co, then the lawyer needs to write a letter to the hospital admins regarding their actions.

Having co-PoAs only works when the relationship between the 2 are solid and healthy (and suspicion-free). My husband and his youngest brother are co for their Mom and it's worked fine for many years (but then again the Mom has no assets and is on Medicaid in a LTC facility).

Who is the FPoA for your Mom? Are you co on that as well? I'm not sure what the power struggle between you two is all about. It's certainly not in your mother's best interests. The big guns would be to pursue guardianship but that is very expensive.

Often we only get one side of the story. Hoping this isn't really about inheritance (as it often is). Can you please provide more information?
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SavingMom2014 Jun 2023
Thanks for your information. Sadly this is the story and not one sided. We were co/ everything for my dad as well until he passed. We got along great until 6 months ago when I thought there was financial fraud on moms account. My sister wasn’t concerned at all. After going to the bank with my documents I was given access and saw 1000’s of dollars withdrawn through ACh transfers and debit card to the point where moms Social Security and pension were more than wiped out each month. After a conversation saying this can’t happen and we’re both responsible to make sure moms money is spent appropriately on her care and it was obvious she was self dealing. 6 months ago an adult sibling moved into moms and is now using her credit card several times s day for his own personal fun. Got access to that showing approximately 5500 a month spent. And the mortgage not being paid. Now the co-POA has changed all passwords so I don’t have access. Now she has been on the defensive and doesn’t want me doing anything for mom.

mom can’t make her own decisions at this point. I have said “ mom you are spending more than you have in the bank so we have to fix this/ her response is I know I have lots of money/ “. She doesn’t understand time, place, month-and can be swayed in the moment which is sad that people take advantage.

walking away from this fiasco would be better for my mental health but I didn’t realize I would need a lawyer to do so.

staying in my supposedly position I am legally responsible for what’s going on and in the future don’t want to be questioned by moms other adult children and grandchildren why moms money was depleted or why grandma is in a horrible nursing home.

I am stuck in the decisions I need to make and need help
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I have moms attorney sending all of her doctors copy of advance directives, declaration for life sustaining procedures and the hippa form all allowing me access to moms medical notes and access to discuss care with the doctors and hospitals.

My lawyer said dr should never have agreed on blocking me from access without the legal documents.

the hospital has the correct information about code status but for some reason when my sister took her for a follow up she said moms a DNR. The doctor accepted it and took her off her meds and suggested home care, which my sister declined and said she would be palliative now.

lawyer is sending documents that I am resigning from Financial POA. And being the executive. I don’t want any part of that.
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AlvaDeer Jul 2023
Your mother has likely made this choice for palliative care. I think it is a dreadful shame that you and mother and sister cannot get together and talk at this time. It's a tragedy of monumental proportions that I think you and sister will regret life long.
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I just called elder abuse for help bc moms finances are in array. And I can’t do anything being consistently blocked out.

and I want mom to have home nursing check on her and my sister said she doesn’t need it. But talking to mom she says she would love company!

she actually loved being in the hospital because everyone was nice and talked to her. Now she is home all day alone and can’t remember if she even ate .

it’s costly to apply for guardianship and costly to resign at this point.
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SavingMom2014: After suggesting that you retain an elder law attorney, I did see your update wherein you stated that you have seen the attorney.
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Read your POA. Make sure you share responsibilities with sister. It may mean that sister is main POA unless she steps down or for some reason cannot perform her duties. If co-POA then she cannot keep you from Mom. And if there is proof that Mom has Dementia, then she is incompetent to sign anything. I would say she is being coerced. When u find out how it reads you present a copy to the hospital telling them that sister has no power to keep you out of Moms care. If that does not work, I would get a lawyer to review the POA and find thatvits still valid and write a letter to that effect. It should say that as co-POA, you both have the same rights to Moms health info. Mom is now incompetent to make decisions and the POA is now in effect. You will need to show the lawyer that Mom has been found incompetent.
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Thanks for the update. Glad u saw a lawyer.
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I can’t help much with any advice. I’ll I can say is I’m pretty much in your same situation. Except I was never put on dpoa. Only my sister and brother in law were. I know she went behind my back and had this done. Her excuse is that she lives closer. She now for whatever reason won’t text or call me. So now when I take my mom to the doctor appointments and other medical appointments I make sure to put me on as emergency contact and being able to get information on her. I always still have to put her on because my mom always says to make sure Jami is on there because she is closer, even though she has dementia she can still figure out if my sister is on there. She just doesn’t understand who can do what. I wish you the best.
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Seems your sister - and maybe mom - have issues with you being part of healthcare plans for your mom. It might be helpful to sit down with your sister and a counsellor - as an objective professional - to help you both to get to the bottom of your differences. This person can also be helpful is getting your both to get agreement on the plan of care for your mom.

That being said, this doesn't solve the issues with hospital or doctors. Contact lawyer in your area. Show lawyer your POA and have them contact hospital and doctors about your rights. Then, set appointment for sister with a legal representative about working out the access to health information issue if working with a counsellor doesn't work out.
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I see below you saying you are legally responsible because you are a co poa, and only your sister is serving. This isn't so. You aren't. But I still do advise you see an attorney. We can do nothing. Update us when you see him.

My thinking is this is a fight for guardianship if mom is severely demented and incapable of making her own decision. You are talking 10,000 and the court may remove it from BOTH you and sis and appoint a state guardian/fiduciary. OR one of you will be told to resign. OR you resign now and that surely would be my choice. You have taken this to your mother. She has denied there is a problem. Your sister lives in her area and is caring for her. You will likely not win this, and were I you I would resign and take the worry of responsibility where you cannot act off the table.
I hope you will update us as you go, whatever you decide. Wishing you good luck.
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SavingMom2014 Jul 2023
Resigned from it all. It’s a financial mess as well. And I don’t believe someone with advanced dementia can make a decision about their code status when they don’t remember what happened an hour ago. That’s why they make those decisions when they are competent
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