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Forgive the straightfoward question. I know grief is never easy but I am genuinely wondering is it easier when you anticipate your LO dying?



My dad died so suddenly and it was such a shock, my mom is on a roller coaster of being sick and getting better then sick again. Every day and night I anticipate a phone call from the hospital I know it won't be easy when the time comes but is it easier when you're anticipating it?

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I think in some ways it is easier. I knew it was coming with both parents and came to understand how very tired they were of life with so many health issues. It was very hard to lose them but also hard to wish either of them back knowing they were ready to go. I wish you peace
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No. There is nothing worse than watching someone slowly die. My father died after a very brief (2 weeks) illness, and I have found it way easier than watching my mother die slowly. Her mind is gone, her body is failing, she can only lie in bed and talk nonsense. Every positive memory I have of her is being slowly tarnished as I have watched her become a husk of a person over the past 3 and a half years.

Not only is it painful watching someone waste away so slowly, I am constantly on alert to "the phone call". She has been in hospice 3 times but always improves enough to have hospice removed. Anticipating a phone call for over 3 years is tortuous. Seeing someone waste away is even more so. So no, it is not easier in my opinion, it is the most painful, dreadful experience someone can endure.
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Tryingmybest19 Jul 2023
You and I seem to be in the same position...it's heartwrenching. I love my mom so very much but this last month of sickness, and last 2 years of slow decline are just torture. I hope we (and our moms) find peace.
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When a person dies suddenly it is a shock. When they die after a slow painful illness it is a relief.

Even with the relief comes sorrow and even though we know death is imminent, somehow it is still a surprise that our loved one is truly gone.

For me, the younger someone is the greater the loss feels as they have not lived what we think of as a full life. The elderly, we console ourselves have lived a long full life.

There are, of course, always exceptions and no age or relief of illness can ever console us when our grief is fresh. Time doesn’t heal all but it does allow us to absorb the shock and accept that we all do die.
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I think one’s reaction depends a lot on the age of the dead person also.
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No, it's just different.
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I haven't lost either of my parents yet but I think it is easier when it is not a shock.

I remember your previous posting about your mom being so ill. I hope you are doing okay. (((((hugs))))).
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I think there is no “easier”, whether anticipated or not, having experienced both.

My father dropped dead in his asparagus garden at age 72, 2 weeks after his first grandchild was born, the happiest event in his life.

My mother lingered, happy and safe and comfortable, in residential care until a week before her 95th birthday, and passed after a week in hospice care, in her sleep.

My recent LO was in hospice for a year and a half, for the last year of that time covered with pressure ulcers, and died 6 months after her 94th birthday.

Some easier, some harder, no pattern except trying to learn, on my part, that each loss has its own pattern.

Most were loved, are missed, and now, are fondly remembered.
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My only experience so far was with my nearly 101-yr old Aunt who had advanced dementia at the end. Her actual self was long gone, over the 10+ years of her dementia journey. She was leaving in increments, and my grief was happening in increments, also. So, when she passed it was a relief. May you receive peace in your heart!
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Grandma1954
July 26, 2023 7:55 am

Tryingmybest19,
I thought about this a lot.
After my Husband died I attended the Bereavement Support Group that Hospice had.
There was a woman there that told her story, her husband had a back ache, it did not resolve with typical home remedies so he went to the doctor. Doctor gave him muscle relaxer medication and that did not work so he sent him for some tests, (not sure if it was an X-ray or MRI) but the result came back stage 4 cancer that had spread from the spine throughout his body. His pain was unmanageable, he was admitted to Hospice. Hospice had him transferred to the In Patient Unit to manage the pain. His wife went home once he was settled in and several hours later she got a call that he had died. This was all in a 3 week time span.
I had 12 years after the diagnosis of Alzheimer's with my Husband.
I thought I was prepared. I knew what was going to happen. I read the books. I saw him decline. I watched him go from a smiling, joking man to a shell.
the morning he died I felt as if someone had ripped the heart from my chest and stomped on it.

Fast....
12 years.....
It hurts.
It is raw...
Death is never easy on the ones left behind.
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No it's not easier, but like already said, it's just different. I've experienced both the quick deaths and lingering and anticipating deaths.
My late husband who I was told wasn't going to make it through the night in Nov. 2018 as he had aspiration pneumonia, ended up living but developed sepsis and septic shock and was completely bedridden. On top of all that he also had vascular dementia, so when he did die in Sept. 2020, while I was sad to lose the man I loved, there was also relief that he no longer had to suffer.
So I guess with a sudden death there is shock and grief and with a death that is expected there is relief and grief.
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An anticipated death is probably "different" more than easier. Even after a long period of illness and care taking and multiple medical crises, the death brings shock and disbelief. I have not had someone close die suddenly; I would think the shock of a sudden death would be greater but would not have been preceded by months or years of anxiety, trauma, and emotional upheaval.
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I have been pondering the same thing.

My father died suddenly. It was a massive stroke that led to an automobile accident (fortunately no one else was involved). With his death, I saw my mother go through quite a bit of anger. She even said, numerous times, “if he came to the door right now. I don’t know if I’d let him in.”

When dad died, he left a financial mess that took several years to reconcile. Mom and I learned from that experience and made sure that we left everything in good shape for her death and I am doing the same thing for my children.

My mom’s death was expected. After pneumonia and hospice and vascular dementia, she went peacefully in her sleep.

My job as executor has been easier with mom. But that is the only part that is easier. To paraphrase other responses. In my experience, with sudden death there can be anger and shock and grief. With expected death, there is some relief and grief.

I see grief as a path we must walk. The path is different for every survivor. Some areas are smooth. Some areas are uphill. Some areas are rocky and almost impassable. With time the walk becomes more familiar and less painful. But it is a path we are always on.
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I lost my mother to cancer after a four-year battle. I watched her go from a vibrant, distinguished lady to someone who was bedridden and weighed 70 pounds at the end. During her illness she lost the ability to eat due to an unrelated esophagus issue. I, her son, had to help her dress and other things a mother should not have to endure.

My father has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for over 10 years, during which my mother passed away from cancer. I was the caregiver for both. My father has required 24-7 care for about the last 3 years and, aside, from a little help, I have provided that care. He is a shell of his former self. Indeed, rarely do I see anything left of who was once my father. I do not know if he will be here 10 more days or 10 more years.

If I had my choice as the survivor or the person passing, make it quick. I would prefer to deal with the shocking, painful, suddenness rather than the long painful death anytime. Nevertheless, we do not get to choose.
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When my sister lost her husband after a several year caregiving journey, as a caregiver for my husband she answered me this way…

You can imagine it as much as you want, all day long, but it will be nothing like you imagined!

Meaning each experience will be unique so there is no way to imagine what it will really be like. So as mentioned, you can at least try to be prepared with as many end-of-life decisions made financially, etc. and try to make things a bit easier afterwards. This goes especially for the younger folks who think it won’t happen to them anytime soon.
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I feel your pain. My mother is 100 and keeps falling. I have run over to her Memory Care place so many times, I can't even count. She is still mobile (with a walker) but getting weaker and weaker. My phone rings at all hours when they call me to tell me she fell again, I just keep thinking I am getting "that call". However, she heals and gets better. And then she falls again and we start all over.

I have a vacation coming up with my husband (who has been so patient with all this) and I hate to cancel it but I am afraid to leave her for even a week. I was asked by a friend what I am afraid of? I told her I don't want my mother to die alone. She replied, she can die alone when you are at home or away, you can't control this. But the guilt is so heavy.
I have planned everything (funeral wise) for when she goes, but it's still a roller coaster of emotions. This is very hard for all of us here.
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Hothouseflower Aug 2023
I hope you enjoy that well earned vacation with your husband.
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I'm so sorry to hear about your father's sudden death. Your mother misses her late husband.

My father was on hospice for five months and passed away at age 91 following a fractured hip from a fall.

My mother suffered several health problems for the last ten years of her life. It was relief she died plus with bipolar mental illness. She was 95.
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My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. However, she didn't want any treatment so decided against the painful biopsy. After several months the doctor did another set of tests and decided she didn't have it. However, during those months we had a lot of anticipatory grief. We talked about her memories and her childhood. I read up on the stages of grief.

It's hard but don't let anticipatory grief rob you of today.
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it's not any better i'm sorry to say - it brings relief though! the death means a definate end you will not see that person again, it does take time to process and eventually we do. I want to say God Bless You!
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No, it is never easy! The best way to handle it is to be with them as much as possible and to know you did everything you could to help them and let them know how much you love them. Make whatever time she has left as happy as possible.
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My mom at age 93, went peacefully and quietly. I would wish such a calm passing on anyone. We weren't surprised, but taken aback, a little, as she had almost no signs of impending death.

We are now entering month 7 of the high drama that has been my MIL's experience in Hospice. She is slowly, so slowly going that it's making us all irritable and snappy. We've been on the 'she's going to pass within a week' about 4 times so far, and she always rallies and while is not any 'better', is still here.

This entire year has been devoted to her care and well being, at the detriment of the emotional well being of a lot of people--mostly her 3 kids, who are not young themselves. She demands, they produce. As an in law, with no say in her care, it's been incredibly depressing. My DH is depressed and often spends the day after his 'shift' with his mother in bed, or watching TV all day long. He's not handling this well at all.

People can live too long. They are miserable, the family is miserable and by the time they actually do die--the sense of relief can be almost, well, embarrassing.

As hard as a 'surprise' death it--it is SO MUCH more preferable to a long, drawn out drama. Since we don't get to choose, we just have to roll with the punches. I certainly would prefer the way my mom went over the way my MIL is going.
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Hothouseflower Aug 2023
I know, we are all miserable over here too. My mother is declining ever so gradually but is not dying. She started complaining again about living too long yesterday. I told her that it was a stupid thing to say and we are all playing the hand she and my father dealt us by not putting their affairs in some order.

At least Medicaid came through and my father’s needs are now met. That has cut my stress level in half.

Hopefully the hospice nurse shows up soon so I can get out of here for the rest of the day.

My mother is turning 95 in a few weeks. I found a birthday card for this dubious occasion. I bought two, one for my father too. How many people do that?
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No I’m my case it gets harder as the level of care increases. More and more of your life gets put on hold. Sounds terrible but you hope for the day when they can stop suffering.
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my2cents Aug 2023
My life was being a caretaker for many years. Maybe it was on hold, but I didn't fee that way. I never hoped for suffering to end, but for her to have relief and keep her. Reality says you don't live forever, but my heart can't be a peace with that. Never would have had enough time with her.
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Not necessarily. all grief is highly personal and, may be affected by multiple " bereavement risk factors". Starting some grief support now may be helpful to take a look at your past grief associated with father, your present grief watching mother decline and your anticipatory grief associated with expected death and perhaps how all of these are impacting you now. A Board Certified Grief Counselor or other credentialed counselor specialist in grief can be helpful.
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Hello, Trying..19

My dad died in a heart breaking way sudden. It was the first of the most awful things that can happen in life.

I anticipate with much sadness and sometimes tears the day my mom is no longer with me, I hate even writing about it really or mentioning it, but it doesn't stop me from thinking what a life without her will be like. I already know what a life without one parent is like and life has never been the same afterwards; oh year, the heartbreak eventually subsides over the years, only after it's taken it's toll mentally and maybe physically through health problems, but life wasn't the same afterwards. I anticipate it will be the same after my mom.

Anticipating it or not anticipating it, it will hurt and be a heartache in the end. I don't mind anticipating because I can reflect on what my mom means to me and I can be closer to her while she's still with me.

Sometime I anticipate it and think the same is going to happen to me, to all of us, except there probably won't be anyone anticipating my end. In that way everyone's parents passing away is different, in most cases, no one will ever love you like your parents, and after they're gone (or lose their cogitative ability) you'll never get that kind of love ever again.

I suppose the only situation it is a different story is when someone is terminally ill, then anticipating it comes anyway, doesn't make the pain any less, but sometimes people end up a little more at ease knowing any pain the terminally ill were going through has ended.

Some people lose the person while they're still living because the person they love has lost their cognitive ability, then you're just living with their physical presence, but remembering all the good times before. For most people the physical presence still means a lot and the anticipation does not make it any better afterwards, but like terminal illness after the person has passed, the soul is free and people are generally at ease thinking at least that person is not locked in their own mind.

My view is anticipating doesn't make it any better, unless in one of the situations I've mentioned. I anticipate now I'm going to be completely heartbroken for many years, I don't think anything will change that for me. When you have a support network of kids and family it can ease the pain than when you're single person, because with kids and family, people have to get on with daily life quicker, than the single person mulling over it.

Take care.
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oldageisnotfun Aug 2023
Just to add to the anticipation, and I've written about this before, I anticipate the difficulty of not only the loss but having to share that loss with siblings I don't get along with (I can't stand). A double-stress situation for different reasons that I'm dreading even now. One would think siblings would be the closest relationship people ever have in life, and maybe for many they are, but in my situation they ended up being one of the biggest nightmares, so much so that anticipating the loss also invokes other feelings.
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I think it is definitely easier. You can slowly start to imagine what life will be like afterwards and think of ways to cope. There is also the relief when final peace is given.
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Well, as for my grandfather, I would say a little. He was 91 and he said it himself, he didn't want to stay here forever. He was strong and able to do whatever he wanted; it was just his time and he knew it. He kept asking my mom to get him to the VA hospital. Finally they were able to get him admitted and two days later he was gone.

Now, as for my wife, she had been sick for about 12 years. Every year things would grow worse and there would be some type of major sickness, all because of diabetes. The last year of her life was very hard on her. I knew she couldn't continue to live like this. On the outside she looked like the picture of health but diabetes had done and was doing a number on her organs. Long story short, I got that call while I was at work telling me to get to the hospital. She had coded three times and once more while I was there. After talking with the doctors and my parents I had to sign a DNR. I asked God if he wasn't going to heal her, please don't let her suffer. Less than a min later my best friend of 26 years and wife of 18 years was gone at 42 years old. It's been almost two years and the pain I feel everyday is unimaginable at times. My chest hurts, I get nauseated and it gets hard to breath. I knew this day was coming but, never have I ever experienced so much mental, emotional, and physical pain.
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swmckeown76 Aug 2023
So sorry for your loss, but no one can force a loved one to sign a DNR. Perhaps you thought it was the best thing to do, but no one can *make* the loved one do it. Please find a grief support group (never too late), and find a way to carry on. You might also consider seeing a mental health counselor/ therapist. It's normal to feel intense grief for about a year after losing a loved one, but after that, it's probably depression, which is treatable. If you don't know any therapists or counselors, ask your primary care provider or priest/minister/rabbi/imam for recommendations. Good luck.
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For me, yes. I knew for over 10 years that it was very likely that my husband would predecease me because he was diagnosed with frontotemporal degeneration (and I knew there was something wrong for about a year prior to his diagnosis). He spent six years, four months in long-term care and we paid every dollar. He survived COVID-19 (and had a hospital stay where visits weren't allowed unless the patient was near death). He had another hospital stay about ten months after that and it was the beginning of the end. I authorized hospice care about a month after that and he only lived about two months after starting hospice (he returned to the nursing home). When he began hospice care, I asked one of his nurses how much more time he had. She said she'd been wrong before, but said she'd be pleasantly surprised if he would need hospice extended after the initial six-month period. I really appreciated her honesty. I was w/the hospice chaplain (who was a non-stipendiary priest w/our church) when he administered the Last Rites to my husband. May Alex like all faithful departed, rest in peace.
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AQUAINST1 Aug 2023
Whenever I ask a health-care provider a question, I tell them, "And this conversation NEVER HAPPENED!"
They usually answer with 'what conversation?'.
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8/4/23 - 1:45P
From: ElizabethAR37
Edit: I realize that Mick isn't dead yet, but he just turned 80! Amazing given the rock 'n roll lifestyle. (Sure miss the "Edit" button.)
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I've had it both ways and equally the same heartache. One was murdered at the age of 49, so we were still young. A shocker that slammed everyone to the core. The other parent with us until age of 98. A few issues and getting weaker, however of very sound mind. So many people say it was wonderful to have her so long and they are able to just accept death. For me, no difference in the pain. It's a daily battle to live with out both of them. --Bless you on this journey.
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Tryingmybest19: No, the pain will still be there. I lost my father suddenly from a massive coronary at age 50 (a one night event). I lost my mother from an ischemic stroke at age 94 after days of being comatose. I am sorry for the loss of your father and send deepest condolences.
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Thank you all for the candid answers. Again knowing there are others in the same boat makes it slightly easier.

I know my mom is declining and not being able to talk to her, really talk to her, and get advice from her is the hardest part. She is in rehab care after a long 5 weeks in the hospital, but gets confused now and is so frail. I try my best to visit every day or every other day as time allows but it is all so depressing knowing your parent is probably not going to get better and more health issues will arise. But it's important for me to say each time "I love you, be good". I know it will bring me peace if she passes and I can't be there.
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Llamalover47 Aug 2023
Tryingmybest19: Thank you for your latest post.
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