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My mom, who has a long history of depression, told me she thinks she is depressed. Now she is refusing to go to the doctor and get back on anti depressants. She is a recluse, uses a walker now due to her sedentary ways, does not drive, but lives in a senior apartment complex with tons of activities and people her age who love to socialize.
She relies on me for her happiness. She takes little interest in my two sons who will soon be going off to college. Most times when I invite her to go out or attend a family function or school event she declines. I have a full life, travel, play tennis and am very social. I think she is jealous of my life. She does nothing all day but watch tv and does not even sleep in her bed. She naps only on the sofa in her living room. She keeps her blinds shut and rarely opens her door for fresh air. I am now very resentful of her total reliance on me to provide any life whatsoever. She is a very negative person and I fight extremely hard to not let her bring me down. I recently was diagnosed with PTSD and my own depression and could not even tell her for fear that she could not handle it. I can’t really tell her anything that is going on with me. She has never been a support to me in that way as she is a helpless sort of fragile person. I cannot be her life for her but she cannot accept this and is very passive aggressive with me. I am so tired of this and it’s wearing me out. I have a brother but he had early onset dementia and diabetes and is not of much help. Not sure what to do next. Any advice???

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My mother is EXACTLY the way yours is. To a tee. Unfortunately. The good news is that your mother lives in a senior complex and mine lives in Memory Care Assisted Living, thank God, otherwise, our lives would be sheer misery 100% of the time instead of some of the time.

You can't provide happiness for someone else; happiness is an inside job.

You can't provide entertainment for someone who's depressed and doesn't want to BE entertained.

You can't win with a passive aggressive individual and here is an AWESOME article I came across which may be of use to you:
https://www.liveyourtruestory.com/examples-of-passive-aggressive-behaviour-communication/

I can't tell my mother ANYTHING about my real life or my own issues b/c she can't even handle her OWN life, never mind mine. I never had a mother who I could confide in or trust to help me out, so it does cause me resentment. But there's nothing I can do about it, except try to take care of ME, you know? As far as your mom goes, let her know that you will not help her if she continues to refuse to go the doctor for anti depressants. That she is CHOOSING this lifestyle and it's not something you are willing to support. Therefore, either go to the doctor mother or do not count on me to help you in any way. You have ALL the entertainment you need at your senior complex so I suggest you make use of it.
Period.

As far as the PA behavior goes, it's 100% exhausting. I've yet to figure out how to deal with it myself, except to limit my exposure to the toxicity. My mother is an Energy Vampire who sucks the life right out of me, between the chronic negativity and the hints & innuendos. She will NEVER come out and ask for something; it has to be hinted at and come in through the backdoor. So then she can say she never ASKED me for anything, I just took it upon myself to do it. It's then everybody else's fault and she has someone else to blame besides herself.

Nice, huh? I bet you know the drill. Unfortunately.

So, my suggestion is to limit your contact with your mother. And issue her the ultimatum about getting an RX for her depression or to fend for herself from here on out. The choice is simple, really.

I had PTSD myself back in 2000 and Paxil made a HUGE difference..........literally saved my life. I'm sorry you are going through such a thing; I know how terrible the symptoms are.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
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No matter what you do or attempt you can never provide happiness for another. Happiness comes from within for us all. If your mother refuses to get help for her depression, refuses to see her doctor, and refuses to socialize, please realize those are her choices and none of it is one you. It’s very true she needs help, but when she refuses it and she’s competent to do so, that’s her decision. And you need to practice self protection and boundaries so you’re in a good place emotionally. Keep conversation with her positive, when it becomes draining and negative end it, get off the phone or leave. You don’t need to explain, you’re an adult. Be around as briefly as it takes to see that she’s safe, and don’t be a part of the negativity. Tell her you’re available if she ever decides to get help. Sometimes helping another is done by looking after yourself
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What to do next? IMO Nothing. You are not responsible for her happiness, and even if you were, it would not work as happiness is an inside job.

Let her be and go about the business of living your own life.

Stop worrying about what you feel she cannot handle, that is a total waste of your time and emotions.

Your mother creates her life, you do not and she will not change, the only person that you can change is you, your attitude towards her.
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thank you ALL! I do already know all of this, but it so nice to hear it from peers to reinforce my rational thinking. Sometimes she has me on the crazy train, feeling like a rat on a wheel, but the older I get, the less tolerant of it I am becoming. I have my own health issues to deal with and her not helping herself is not something I want to continue to do. She is part of the reason why I have PTSD and depression. Because of her not taking care of herself properly, she almost died twice and I was the one who found her both times, barely alive, and had to manage her long climb back up to being able to live on her own again. My brother is of little help and does not remember much of anything. This time her dropping the bomb on me that she is depressed, but won't do anything about it is just too much! I cannot just leave her totally on her own or I many become accused of abuse, isn't that rich? But again, thank you for giving me a boost and reinforcing what I know to be true. She is trying her best to suck me in again, and I am not having it this time. I am taking care of my own emotional health now.

I know that most of you are struggling with very similar circumstances and I am sorry. It is so hard and so frustrating. I so appreciate this community for the support.

Love to all
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Ditto to what everyone else has written. They each know what they are talking about....good luck moving forward and taking care of you!!
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domrocsmom Feb 2020
One of my sons heard me reading these responses out loud and said "I disagree with the part about you leaving her alone. She isn't able to do some things for herself and she's your mom. You need to take care of her".

Well, I did have a discussion with him about me not abandoning her, and her responsibilities to herself.
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I am not sure that you can be accused of abuse if you have made sure that she has a roof over her head and all the things she needs (except you in permanent attendance). The other responders may be right in saying that there is nothing you can do to make her happy, but here are two suggestions that might just possibly help (and document them and everything else you do if you really are concerned that people will run you down for not doing more).
First, can she use social media? Can you find someone in the family who posts regularly to Facebook? I have a nephew who has daily verbal diarrhoea – ideal! Get her following them and involved in criticising them. It might give her something else to think about. It’s a bit like getting involved her in the (pretend) lives of their favourite soap opera characters.
Second, tell her that every time you visit you expect her to start by telling you something enjoyable that she has done since she last saw you. If she doesn’t do that, you will turn around and walk out. And do it. Three times and she might get the message. And if she doesn’t, it will help you to harden your heart.
Best wishes, Margaret
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I didn't have a Mom like that but my MIL was similar. And I am sure if she had come back to NJ to live, my DH would have done whatever she wanted. His boundary though would be his golf and me. I trump golf.

I like lealonni's response. It's not your place to make her happy. So don't even try. Continue to invite her to family functions. Do your thing. When she whines say sorry Mom but I have a life. You are part of it but not it.

I had a friend. Yes, she is now an ex. I have "known" her over 50 yrs. She has always had some kind of health problem. Had to give up driving either because of her health or couldn't afford the upkeep of a car. She is passive-aggressive. Her sons keep their distance. As a fellow friend says "She's a Debbie Downer". This friend helps her but doesn't enjoy it. She feels sorry for her. I do too but she is where she is because of choices she has made. She won't take advantage of the resources the County provides. Will complain about not having a ride to the doctors, but won't use the Senior bus. She left a VM on my phone last April saying she guessed no one wanted her around because no one called her about a luncheon our class was having. And people know she needs a ride. Blah, blah, blah. I had no idea what she was talking about and called her back. I went to a VM that was FULL. So I texted " have no idea what ur talking about". Found out she was given the wrong info, not our class. She has been told this and I have received no apology back which I think I deserve. She expects too much out of people. They have lives. The organizer of our luncheons emails info, sends it thru messenger and posts to Facebook. But she has no internet. She has a cell phone with data that she can use. She thinks she deserves a phone call.

I know you have already done this but one more time...sit down in front of Mom and look her in the eyes. Tell her "Mom, I cannot be your everything. Its not fair to u or me. Your are not that old that you can't have a life of your own. You are so lucky to live in a complex that has activities and you can make friends. But "you" have to take advantage of that. It should be I have my activities and you have yours." Then list what you will do for her. Like once a week go shopping and run errands. Maybe have lunch. Maybe invite her to dinner once a week. Maybe find out when the activities are and go with her the first few times. Tell her going to the doctor for her meds would be the first step to having her own life. No one can depend on one person all the time. That one person starts to resent it. Make this the last "talk". Set ur Boundries. When she whines, say "sorry Mom not my fault. Your choice".

What a sweet son. But, it was a good time to explain to him boundries. That there are people that given the chance will suck the life out of you. My daughters knew who my MIL was. Actually it was my youngest who brought up she was passive-aggressive. And I would have done for her but I would have set boundries. And she would have known I came first in her son's eyes, because I did.
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Push that baby bird out of the nest and she if she flies. Cut her off from yourself socially and force her to socialize with other or be lonely. Her choice.
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