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Not really sure if I am looking for advice or just to vent. My mom, 82, is undiagnosed but certainly has Alzheimer's. I had a geriatric appointment for her later this week, but of course that is canceled so who knows when that will happen.


Mom lives alone in the house she bought in 1975 when our dad died. It's just me and my brother. I live about 75 miles away, he lives 7 hours away. Mom has gotten increasingly paranoid, thinks people are moving her things and stealing from her. Her house needs some work, like painting and windows, but she refuses to spend the money. I have encouraged a home equity loan, even though she has the cash. She said she's never had a loan, and won't get one now.


She is not on any medications. She has been clinically depressed for years, but won't believe that depression is more than just sitting around all day crying, so she denies it. She would never agree to any mental health treatments. She's of the generation where mental health issues are shameful, not talked about and certainly you don't go to a doctor for that. The whole town will know!!


Part of the issue is the small town she lives in. There are few specialists, and certainly no geriatricians. I have to bring her to my town for anything but the most basic treatment.


She has a trust that was set up over ten years ago when my stepfather was still alive. I do not have a copy of it. I contacted the attorney and he said she never signed the will. And that the POA is so old (old forms) that she needs a new one. Again, the attorney is in my town and currently closed.


Last week a very heavy piece of furniture fell over, almost on top of her. She says she was just looking at it, and it fell over. That is just not physically possible. She must have been trying to move it.


Then there are the burned potholders and food left cooking. Last year she allowed two strangers into her home and signed up for some scam energy provider. Of course I had to fix that. She wants to switch banks because she is convinced that the manager of the local branch of a national bank "hates her" and is "messing with her" because she keeps getting locked out of her online account. She is, of course, entering incorrect information and locking up the account. She cannot fix it herself so I have to do it for her.


Moving out of the home she can no longer manage is not an option. She is not ready for a nursing home and I would never put her in one. There is one very nice independent living place in town, but it's not an option because they don't allow pets. She has two cats and I would never consider taking them from her. There is no assisted living near her. AND she is adamant that she will NOT leave her home.


I would like to get her a paid companion/caretaker. I can't go more than once a week, and right now I can't go at all, because of the lockdown. The problem with that is she does NOT want strangers in the house. It would just cause her more anxiety and she would feel like they were a guest she'd have to talk to and entertain.


My brother will go along with whatever I suggest. She won't listen to me, but she will listen to him. Unfortunately she will only go along with him if he's physically there, which of course he can't be all the time. He's an essential employee so who knows how long until it's safe for him to see her.


Any thoughts or ideas welcome.

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I'm not sure I have an answer for you but my mother in law has some of the same things going on
She refuses to go to any doctor for anything, she has arthritis and it's causing a rash all over her body has for years they have medicine for it but she won't go to the doc for it, she's in pain from her arthritis but refuses to take any pain meds a doc gives we barely get her to take ibuprofen
My husband has 3 other siblings but they do not help it's just us
She won't let strangers in her home either so a help at home person is out of the question, she insists someone is moving her stuff too and it's her she moves stuff on a daily basis and then gets so mad that she can't find it
She is undiagnosed but from my research she has alzheimers, dementia and sundowners and she's lonely her husband passed away almost a year ago
She is to the stage to where she is very inappropriate she cusses, she starts talking about her rash and lifts her shirt and one day she even took it off right before my husband was to be at her house, I am there at least 3 days a week just so she doesn't have to be by herself, I clean for her because she has stopped she's was messier than she use to be
As I said it's not an answer but it's to let you know you are not alone in this
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There are so many things wrong with this dynamic of her living alone - burning things, furniture almost badly causing injury and her denying it, not wanting to see anyone for her mental health (impossible for the entire town to know as town criers no longer exist) and a myriad of other issues. See an attorney who will be able to service HER needs.
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Isthisrealyreal Apr 2020
Ll, small towns are like living in a fish bowl. Everybody knows what everybody else is doing, gotta print something in the newspaper.
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2 questions you need to answer.

Is your mom at risk of harm?
Burned meals, scorched potholders, heavy furniture "falling" on her... all suggest that she can not live alone since she is not safe alone. I would like to add that it appears she is at great risk of being scammed in all forms: mail, online, and strangers that come to the door.

Can your mom meet all her needs herself - daily, weekly...?
It appears she needs somebody to manage her finances - preferably with a POA.
It also appears she needs somebody to mange her health care - also POA.
She needs somebody there to help her daily and that can be family, friend, or home health care aide. Unless she is a night time wanderer, she may be OK to sleep in her own home by herself.

I advise you to get her a geriatric appointment as soon as possible. The doctor can test for mental competency. If ruled incompetent, then she can be "made" to abide with home health care or residential facility. Please get new POAs written up before that happens; since you can not get a POA written once somebody is declared mentally incompetent.
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I certainly understand about the pets. I would personally die before I gave my pets up (I had to give them up 12 years ago when I went to assisted living but was allowed to keep one - thank god for my kitty - I'd never survive without him, or want to). Some places will allow one provided they can be cared for. Since a facility seems out of the question, I would hire a caretaker who is "tough enough" to stand up to your mother and tell her that YOU hired her, your mother has nothing to say about it. She either accepts or she gets put someplace without the pets (just scare her to make her behave). Then get a caretaker and you get a POA or whatever you need to do (and you will be needing it) to take care of matters. Sometimes being really tough and telling them the new rules will scare them enough to cooperate. If that does not work, tell her you are totally severing all ties and she is on her own. Good luck.
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Here's what happened with our family (and it worked!) for my oldest sister; we invited her for a 'little visit' that turned into 6 months (but for my AD sister it seemed only like a 'few weeks'). While your mom is visiting you, you could tell her that you arranged to have her house 'repainted inside and out' and that YOU are paying for it, not her. Then there were termites found in several places, so that has to be repaired, etc. You get my idea: drag out her 'visit' as long as possible. Our sister REALLY enjoyed being with family (she, too, had been living alone) and eventually she decided to sell her house (I have DPOA, so I arranged for the sale, the furniture move, etc.). Then our sister put herself on a waiting list at a really nice local ALF; plus she had bought LongTerm care insurance years ago, and with her AD diagnosis the LTC insurance started paying the bill after the 1st 90 days. Our sister REALLY enjoys her apartment there, with activities, outings, movies down the hall shown twice each day. And she is NOT in MC, but basically has no short-term memory left, but is on 25mgs of Zoloft and 25mgs of Seroquel that work wonders! We do have a professional caregiver (a long-time friend of the family) coming to visit her 1-2 times a week, plus she's with family on the weekends (at least before the COVID lockdown started). Best of luck with your mom!!
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I would call the Bureau of Aging near you they will come out and evaluate her usually they're older people as well I hope this helps you good luck
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If these accounts are accurate, obviously this woman needs help. However, I do want to note that age is not really a factor. I am 86 healthy mentally and physically and very independently living in and managing my own home.I manage my own affairs. My son would never interfere unless I asked him to. I love and respect him and my darling daughter in law.They also love and respect me and would never try to tell me what to do . They always tell me they are "there for me" if I ever need them.I have friends 75 and older who are also very happily independent.If this poor woman is as incompetent as is described, there might be an agency on aging connected with the community, county, and or state where she lives. There is a county agency on aging that has been very helpful to many people in my area.Drugs either illegal and or prescribed taken long term do cause dementia at any age.However, age alone does not always cause mental issues.In any case, there are agencies that can help protect and or advise incompetent people and or those who love them.
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You are in a difficult situation with a parent you love. Soon or later, even though she lives in a small town, there will be an accident or another “event” that involves outsiders (like neighbors, police, fire Dept., etc.) Someone will call you and/or your brother and you may be compelled to get your Mother help and over sight. If you can afford it, the easiest answer is to hire a live In companion for your Mom. However, this will only solve the problem temporarily because Alzheimer’s disease never gets better, it only gets worse. It just a matter of time. Soon or later she will not be able to make any rational decisions and her behavior will be uncontrollable. You and your brother need sit down with a elder lawyer or counselor and review your options and what will be best for Mom.
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jacobsonbob Apr 2020
In a small town any accident or illness will be more likely to present a problem, as qualified help might not be as easy to access. How close is the nearest hospital, fire station, police station, physician, etc.? This was a problem where my parents had retired. When the time to decide what to do with their house was approaching, my father asked if I wanted to live in it, and I said thanks but no thanks--the area was simply too isolated for me, plus the weather often made it difficult to travel, for example, to the nearest hospital which is 20 miles away.
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You must start doing a lot of things without your mother's permission or knowledge. You must trick her and even lie to her occasionally. Just a fact of life. She probably remembers waaaaay less than you realize, and she probably has no idea whether something happened yesterday, last week, or last year. She doesn't experience the passage of time the way we do. This will make it easier to do what you need to do without her explicit permission or knowledge. Things related to doctors, medical care, testing for cognitive impairment, as well as financial and legal matters, the trust, the house. Attorneys are still witnessing documents signed via Zoom. No one wants to bring their parent into a group facility during a pandemic. So next choice is your town or your brother's town--maybe your house, or maybe a small apartment with the stove turned off. Just realize, as dangerous as she is now to herself, she's going to be worse by the end of the year.
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sunshinelife Apr 2020
how do you know?
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Bolli, does your mom have a faith community that she has been involved in? That is usually a good place to start.

(1st thing I would do is test for a urinary tract infection, that could be causing some of these behaviors.)

Ask around, via telephone, about all of the services available in her community. Meals on Wheels, friendly visits/calls, companion sitting, etc.

These can be a start to getting someone in that can keep an eye on her and help her with household tasks that are becoming dangerous.

Another thing to do would be to get her doctor to write an order for occupational therapy, they can come in and help you remove potential dangers from the home. They can point out where grab bars should go, what is needed for a safe shower, and that sort of thing.

One thing that I discovered on my caregiving journey is that you just have to wait for the senior to be willing. Because you can't take away their quality of life for quantity. Why make them miserable? Stuff happens to people of all ages, so we need to help them be as safe as possible and wait for the time when there are no more choices. Hospitalization and then fulltime care is what most of us face with stubborn parents. It's not optimal but it is the best we can hope for.

Catholic charities, Jewish family services, interfaith community services and many more can help you find services to help her stay a bit safer and maybe even start feeling okay with people helping. They can help her have some companionship, even if it is just daily calls right now.

Best of luck with all this. It is difficult at its best and right now is the worst time possible for anything.
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That sounds exactly like my mother in law, she is paranoid and says she sees people outside taking stuff they aren't. Sh also refuses to go to any doctors for anything she won't even go for a check up, we (my husband and I) are the only ones who care for her she has 3 other children that does not and will not help
She still lives alone, won't move in with us, I take care of her, her house and bills and then our house, I am so overwhelmed with everything.
You go ahead and vent Hun
I am here
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It’s very difficult getting older. We all want our independence. My Mom is 82 and has lived with me for 20+ yrs. I’m sure she’d like more freedoms that her own home would provide. Even with her living with me there are many things about her behavior I cannot control. I just let nature take its course. I can’t control all things. This virus is a wake up call that no one has total control over everything. I fastened shelving to the walls so she can’t dump them over. I’ve done all the safety things possible. But as we age accidents happen. We fall etc...it’s just par for the course. People have constitutional rights. One can’t be locked in cages. So honor your Mom’s wishes and when you can get to her house fasten furniture that may fall down. Have patience for her. Aging really sucks! I’ve been forced to realize most people do not want to take care of their parents. My siblings have never helped at all. They do want any inheritance that may be available.

Whats the worse thing that can happen at home that can’t happen at a nursing home? At home she’s less likely to get the virus. She won’t have underpaid and overworked aides as caregivers. She won’t be abused like happens at adult homes. She’s getting older. We all are. We will all be in her shoes soon enough! How do we want to be thought of and treated?
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shad250 Apr 2020
Landslide
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I'd suggest getting Adult Protective Services involved. It's kind of like DCF services is for children. They can even do a visit based on an anonymous phone call if the situation seems serious enough, and I believe this situation would be. I'm not sure just how small the town is but most medical providers are doing their visits now by Telehealth (you'd need access to a computer) and I'd imagine attorneys could set up visits with Skype or other telecommunication format so they could see their clients if just speaking on the phone wasn't sufficient. I'd suggest that you contact an elder law attorney a.s.a.p. Best wishes!
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Isthisrealyreal Apr 2020
APS is not the best solution in this situation.

They can be life savers or life wreckers.

This lady doesn't want to place her mom, she wants help bringing in help.

I understand that you have a facility and you want clients, it is big money after all, but this is the wrong place to solicit facility placement.
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she sounds happy with her life. A wise woman. Knows that doctors and their medications are to stay away from . And keeps control of her own life. I admire her And maybe the manager at the bank doesn't like her. Nobody is perfect. Why are you so enthusiastic to give her medical labels, depression, Alzheimers...for what purpose. Each person has their own ways they are comfortable with...acceptance is the key. You might consider getting the paperwork in order you are concerned about with her (you can always get it organized through an attorney online...though it sounds like she won't be passing over any time soon. Enjoy her while she is here. And say hi from me.
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shad250 Apr 2020
Exactly
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Would it be possible for you and your brother to spend one weekend day helping her "declutter" (surrepticiously tossing dangerous things out and moving heavy furniture where she can't possibly tip it over) and maybe take her stove away? If she's setting things on fire, she should be limited to a microwave and an electric kettle or cogfeemaker. Maybe your brother could help you talk her into signing a new POA and durable medical POA too. You might try Legal Zoom for forms for those. I don't know how binding a do-it-yourself POA would be, but we're in a weird moment now...
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I’m sorry to say you need to position yourself well for what is fast coming. See what is involved in having her declared incompetent. It does not fix all the immediate problems of obstinance, etc. You don’t even have to “change” anything. But you have to get that decision power immediately. Yes she deserves respect and dignity. Yes she’ll be mad as heck. She is just trying to hold on with a death grip to independence which is admirable! You have to be the parent now. Your ace is your brother - he may have to be the “bad guy” here. I’m sorry and could I have taken the advice to go the incompetent route? No - so I get it. God graced us by having a tree fall on my Mom’s house and we removed her. Mmmmm...food for thought as maybe you could cut off water or electric which creates a scenario for moving her “temporarily’??
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lisah13 Apr 2020
Get that DPOA done before she's declared incompetent. She has to agree to it and sign it - the purpose of the POA is to handle her affairs when she becomes incompetent. We did this with my mom, and it has helped me to be able to control her finances so much better for her.
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Who did your mother appoint as POA? I've never heard of a POA being "too old" unless those appointed are not viable to do so. It doesn't sound like Alzheimer's, though, but dementia. The caretaker/companion is a good idea, if she will allow it. Your mother is the exact same age as mine when she began having dementia and then paranoia. My mother began calling the police in the middle of the night with paranoid delusions. Then the police would call me. It wasn't too long before Adult Protective Services got involved and she was removed from the house. I also live 75 miles from her. The whole experience was very painful/stressful. After three facility moves in 5 years, she's in a nursing home with severe dementia, but is on the right balance of meds. If I could advise you, I would say to start looking for possible residence facilities NOW for your mother, so you have a plan and you are not caught off guard. Dementia can spiral quickly out of control, you want to be prepared. Good luck.
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In the same boat. Add prefers naked, sh*ts at will and a danger to herself. Bringing her back home from Rehab today. Groundhogs day again, she had agreed to go to assisted living but won't use her money to do it. Adult protective services is closed I guess I have tried. She really wants me to continue to be her floor mat for free. She actually has the legal right to stay in her home. So I am walking away. She loves drama and hurting people.
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sunshinelife Apr 2020
sorry for your pain...give yourself a rest...you can go back when you get your balance back. Love is like that...often painful. bless your heart
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Medicare or Medicaid may pay for a nurse from The Visiting Nurse service.Since your Mom has a fear or paranoia of strangers in the house you need to try and be there at least a few times to build trust.My Mom,who I had to place in an ALF the end of February- due more frequent fall-sand was given the virus by aides there and died April 18,also feared strangers of any kind in the house.That was not a new fear with aging.You may be able to print a POA form that just requires a Notary and not 'witnesses'. There are traveling notaries but will cost maybe $40-100 to meet at your Mom's house.If you can get a neighbor as a witness even better.Look up this good article on dementia:https://www.leisurecare.com/resources/7-stages-dementia/ Lastly,do repairs on the house that are minor yourself-plenty of DIY articles.If not,do what you can.Lastly,rely on your gut,not what the "professionals" say.My Mom said a few time she wished to die in the home I grew up in.I tried hard to help her do that.had I held out two more months she would not have contracted the virus as I am cautious and would have been more so with her at home.She relied on me and I was forced to rely on a 'good assisted living facility personnel. She got the virus in isolation under there care.not intentional but I relied on and paid them.At home aides have some company and state rules that make it hard to keep people at home as well.I call it CYA rules that worked against me keeping Mom at home.she was difficult to get up if she stumbled and fell over.Yes she got a bruise but it was not needed to be sent to the ER each time-that is the policy though.Lastly,technology is cheep enough now to place nanny cams in key areas to monitor her from afar.The costly part is the internet/wifi provider monthly charge.Also,get it in your name because it is harder to cancel if only in Mom's name.Best wishes.
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sunshinelife Apr 2020
it was time for her to go home. sounds like you did the very best to care for her in every way. im sure she appreciates all you did. please don't feel badly she wasn't in the old house...the Angels are caring for her now, i am sure. Love is never parted from itself for long
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Kitties will do alot better in a new home than a house that's burning down around them; and that's a very real possibility.
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If you agree with getting an updated POA, get that signed before you get a confirmed diagnosis. Once she is diagnosed with dementia, she can no longer sign a new POA. The POA we have for FIL is more than 20 years old. It has been fine for healthcare and most financial although we did have to get a letter says he is incompetent. If the current POA is correctly written, is should be fine.

I agree with those who have said to move her closer. A companion will be difficult to manage long term. AL’s do take pets although I don’t know about 2 cats. And I don’t know how humane it is to have cats used to a house kept instead in one room. She has dementia and she cannot take care of herself. That takes a lot of “I will never do that” decisions off the table. You have a lot of things that you say “can’t hsppen”. Must move with cats, does not want to move at all, and does not want strangers in house. You can of course just let her do what she wants until she ends up in ER or worse. If you are hoping to avoid that, she has to move closer. Maybe with one cat and maybe with none. Hopefully someone in the family will take them? Maybe get her to move and keep cats yourself “temporarily”? Something clearly has to change. While you are waiting, start reaching out to facilities near you to see what they offer. And get county statistics for Covid infection at the facilities just so you are aware.
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disgustedtoo Apr 2020
"And I don’t know how humane it is to have cats used to a house kept instead in one room."

Given a choice, sure, a whole house is better, they can pick spots they like. However, if they are sent to a shelter, they WILL be in one room, if that, and likely with other cats. Since not all of mine get along, I have "zones". Several have the Master BR with a very long hallway. Others are in a large kitchen with access to the partially finished basement (my mouser likes this!) Two never got along with the others, bad fights, pee, etc, so they were given their own room. One BR. We lost the male to a dental cleaning, so in order to have a roomie for his sister, I took in an 11yo one-eyed tux who is semi-feral, spent TEN years in the shelter, a room about the same size with 11-13 cats in the room!!! He must think he's been given an upgrade to move to a similar room, but only has to share it with a little 6.5 pound kitty!

Cats, even 2, can be okay in a single room. They still have spots to nap, hopefully a window for Bird TV, and a perch/scratching post. The bigger concern is their actual care - feeding, litter, vet, etc. I've read threads where a woman was feeding inappropriate foods, cat litter wasn't maintained, cat(s) were overfed and obese, etc. THIS is a bigger concern. Since no one is on the ground full time, this can't be monitored, so who knows how well she can care for them. It may seem ok during those short random visits, but ....
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So you visited your Mother & found she may have moved to Dementiaville... She looks the same, her house looks the same but everything is different. A new place where skills once had are lost, accidents get more frequent, rational decisions are missing & replaced by ridgid thinking. It can be a scary place but once you get advice, you can start to plan & find your way.

A dx would be the start. To know what you are dealing with - dementia symptoms can be caused by other reasons that need to be ruled out.

But the more immediate issue is safety. My top red flags for needing supervision are *falls*fires*fear*fraud*.

Moving heavy furniture or other risky decisions lead to falls. Burn marks escalate to kitchen fires. Problems handling finances can become fraud target. Paranoid thinking can lead to fear, even leaving the home or wandering at night. You've mentioned all of this (except wandering).

You've mentioned a lot of things you know you don't want: leaving her home, leaving pets, NH. I do understand. But add house fire, falls & fraud to that list.

Is there an Area of Aging to discuss what immediate measures can be added to increase her safety?

In time, once you get a dx, you can re-do that priority list. Decide what's really important.
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jacobsonbob Apr 2020
This gives the old military draft term "4-F" a new meaning! In this case, it means a disaster just waiting for the most inopportune time to happen.
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Bolliveb,
If you decide that you need to move her into Assisted living, do a little research on "Therapeutic Fibbing ".
I know it sounds awful, however it's a very useful tool. And sometimes the most humane way to convince a loved one to move.
Hang in there!
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While it might be nice, and maybe in some cases helpful, to have a Dx in hand, it shouldn't be a gate to getting this managed. We *NEVER* got the letter the doc promised (needed that to get rep payee on a federal pension), despite hounding the office for NINE months! Also, the POA documents we had were also from 2006 and were used MULTIPLE places with no issue starting around 2015. We had to update other documents, mainly the trust and will (original were done before dad needed assistance), but the HIPPA and POA are still the originals. The will should be okay to send and sign, if you can find a notary. I have read others say banks, etc refuse to accept the POAs (some not even that old) but they ARE legal documents. I suspect if you make enough of a stink and go up the management ladder, you could make progress despite initial refusal.

That said, EVERYTHING you mention about her thoughts and behaviors clearly spells dementia. Although POAs are helpful in allowing you to manage her finances, etc, getting a HEL is probably not going to work. I would table that. IF she has funds, work on getting her where she needs to be, then use the money to do the needed work and sell the place. That's what we did.

Why limit looking for a facility to where SHE lives? One or both of you need to interface with the facility and visit/check on things, so it would make more sense to look for a place closer to where you live. IL is out of the question. She already IS, on some level, in an IL situation and can't handle it. NH is also something that shouldn't be on the table. NH is primarily for those who need specialized nursing care. She doesn't, at least not yet. Even AL isn't going to work. She sounds beyond that level. MC is what should be the goal. Agreed that not all will allow animals, but my mother's place DOES allow them. Pet(s) have to stay in their room (one even had a large dog!), but otherwise it was working. If it were me, my kids would have to reserve several rooms... :-P Search around where you or your brother lives. There has to be some out there.

Our mother was also ADAMANT she would not move anywhere, not even in with my brothers (not that this would be even remotely viable!) This is despite her many times saying she needs to clean up/clear out stuff, in case she ever has to "get out of here." When asked where she was going, she said AL!!! Enter dementia - nope. Not.Going.To.Happen. EC atty told us we couldn't force her to move and suggested guardianship. Facility we chose said NO committals. This is how I ended up here. Facility said just get her here, we'll manage it from there. The trick was getting her there. In her case, just before the planned move she injured her leg and developed cellulitis, serious infection. Not enough sense to get it checked or even tell one of us! OB arrived a few days prior to the move and had to be threatened to take her to ER PRONTO! YB drafted a fake letter from 'Elder Services' for the hospital and told her she either moves where we choose or they will place her. Fibs... They can be your friends... She was mad as all hell, but reluctantly went with the bros.

So, have this atty send you a copy of the ORIGINAL POA, regardless of what he says about date. Look for MC places closer to you, find one that might take her cats. Get this ball rolling, because she is a huge accident waiting to happen! If possible, can you or bro talk her into at least coming to visit (live) with one of you, SHORT TERM, with her cats, esp once you find a place nearby? Tell her whatever you need to - place needs major work, govt is quarantining area, ANY lie that will work, just to get her at least under a roof with oversight! Then make plans for the next move. Right now, regardless of MC, Atty, doc availability, she needs to be under some kind of supervision. NOW.
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disgustedtoo Apr 2020
As much as I agree taking someone's pets away is hard, sometimes it may come to that. You are not there, so you don't know if the cats are getting proper care. Thankfully our mother wasn't a pet person (though for some reason after moving to MC she decided she needed one of those little white fluffy dogs!) so that was not an issue during the move.

ME? I'd rather run away with my cats than be separated. I know that neither of my kids would take the cats in, so it's me or the shelter. I've made my decision for no more kittens (they can live long time, don't want any to outlive me! My oldest is now 21+, has CKD, lung tumors and dementia, so no one's going to take her in!) Stick with those I have and if/when the time comes, look for older cats that need a home!

An option to consider, for when she can no longer provide the care they need - look up robot cat Joy. Again, my mother was never a pet person, barely tolerated us having a dog, but OB sent one to her and she was fascinated by what it could do! It purrs, opens/closes eyes, meows, wiggles ears, licks paw, will roll over to allow belly rubs, etc. Obviously it isn't real, but at some point it will be to those with dementia or other cognitive issues. It is a little pricey, but if it works, it's worth it! OB later got a really cheap little dog at WM - it walks, barks, waggles tail, pants, etc. Not as "realistic", but mom was still fascinated by it.
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Lots of states have written new statutes allowing for important paperwork to be processed remotely. The lawyers near me are open for business- just not for office visits. We also had someone virtually examined by a geriatric physician- so you might call your mom's doctor and ask if Telemedicine is available to her. (Someone may have to visit her to accomplish this though.)

You make a lot of good suggestions in your question and immediately shoot them down. Whatever arrangements you end up making for your mom, it is going to mean some hard choices and changes. It's rough. Don't box yourself in with so many "I'd never" statements. Your goal will be your mother's health and safety. That might mean re-homing her pets or putting her in a memory care at some point. Don't make your job harder by listing all the things you'll never do before you've even started on this journey.

This is a hard journey you've started. This forum will be a good place for help and support.
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jacobsonbob Apr 2020
Excellent suggestion! Some situations simply can't be fixed without making some unpleasant choices and decisions, so all options need to be on the table.
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Bolliveb,
You mentioned that there is an existing POA. Who is her POA?
The POA, essentially has the power to act on her behalf.
Her primary care doctor should at the very least be able to give a diagnosis of moderate mental impairment. This gives the POA a leg to stand on.
If she is truly unsafe to live alone, your options are limited and very heartwrenching.
When someone has dementia, they no longer live in the same reality as you.
As much as you don't want to separate her from her beloved pets, is it worth her wellbeing?
You have a tough road ahead.
Maybe try to consider her physical wellbeing first. Unfortunately, her mental wellbeing seems to be out of your hands.
God bless!!
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I think the lawyer wants more money. My Mom did her POA in 2006. I had no problem in 2014 using it. The only "update" I see is declaring her incompetent by a doctor and the lawyer writing a letter to that fact. I had one company that requested that to be able to do business as Moms rep.
Your Mom cannot sign an updated POA because she probably has no idea what its all about.

Your Mom should not be alone. Independent living is not an option. These communities don't give any care and if they do, its not 24/7. It maybe help with meds. She needs to be able to do for herself. An AL would be my choice. And soon. A scorched potholder could end up being one on fire. If you can't bring her into ur home you r going to have to make a decision on her care soon.

If u have a neurologist nearby, that would be my choice to evaluate Mom.
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bolliveb Apr 2020
Thanks. The attorney is not charging more. The work was done years ago.

I agree that assisted living would be a great idea at this point. My only problem is finding one that would allow her cats. Taking them from her is NOT an option. It would be terribly cruel and I will not do that to my mom.

We really need a geriatrician. No, there are no neurologists nearby. The only specialist locally is an orthopedic surgeon.
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Wow, lots of issues going on here! I don't think a diagnosis is all that important at this point, so whenever the appointment get rescheduled, that should be fine. Yes, a diagnosis is not a bad thing to have and can help with a better understanding of what's going on.

Do you have POA? Would she sign papers to do so? And the unsigned will? Can your attorney draw up the papers that need to be updated and signed? Then as soon as you can go see her, try to get her to sign them?

The burned potholders are a huge red flag. She should not be cooking! She really should not be living alone. She is a bit unsafe.

There are lots of things that you say can not happen. I ask you to consider looking at what's right and safe for her. She will not WANT to leave her home, quite understandably. BUT she's going to burn the house down. She is not in a position to make good decisions anymore. Her brain is not working right and you are going to have to think about stepping up and ensuring her safety, regardless of what she wants. With dementia, people really aren't in a position to understand what they need, what is appropriate, what is safe.

She doesn't want strangers in the house. Well, something is going to have to give her. She is probably in need of in home care or moving to a nursing home.

I'm sorry if you think my suggestions are impossible. But I do think you need to consider reframing the situation and looking at it from a different angle.

Best of luck.
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bolliveb Apr 2020
Thank you. Yes I have POA but I do not have a copy. The attorney said it needs to be updated with new forms as he said I'd have a hard time with a document signed in 2008. No problem getting her to sign a new one, but that requires the lawyer re-opening the office, and it being safe for me to get her and travel to sign it at his office. She never signed her will either, so we need to do that. I will not have a problem getting her to cooperate with this, but who knows when it can be done? In a perfect situation it would have been done months ago, along with the geriatrician visit. I held off, as wintertime travel here is always iffy. And mom will not leave the house to travel in winter. She's terrified of being in a car if it's snowing. Always has been, nothing new.

I really need my brother and his family to help me in person. They would be here if they could, We all get along and would work together. But everyone is quarantined.

I do appreciate your suggestions. It's all compounded by how few services are available in her area. I will take her anywhere at any time, when it's safe again.

Something does have to change, and in a big way. Thanks for your input.
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