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My mom is in hospice, in her last days. She has dementia and has been in kidney failure for years. I have been taking care of her and my dad for years, also my aunt who had cancer. Even though I tried to do my best I still feel like if I just had something differently this would not be happening even though my mom is 90 years old. I did what I wanted to do I kept them out of nursing homes I was willing to sell my house to do that they both were in a wonderful board and care home with only five other people with loving care givers. I came almost every day to visit, but there's still this guilt. Maybe I should have done something else? Right now, I am watching my mom die. It's so hard but I believe that her family is waiting there to greet her. That gives me some comfort that she won't be alone. Thank you all on here that have given me good advice during this very hard time.

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I’m sorry you’re walking through this with your mom. I’ve been there and remember the pain and sadness. Please know that nothing you did or didn’t do would change the natural course of sickness, decline, and passing away from this life. Your mother has lived a long life and it’s simply the time her body can take no more. She has been blessed by your love and care. I wish you both peace
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These are normal feelings in times of hopelessness and helplessness. But I do know you recognize that in end of life, not everything can be fixed. You aren't a Saint or a God and to think you are omnipotent is a kind of hubris. You didn't create your mom's illnesses and you couldn't have fixed them. I know you understand that. We always look for something or someone to blame as it is easier than just walking through the grief and loss. I am so sorry for your pain. There is nothing but time to heal these things.
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Your Mother has lived a long life.
I imagine full of joyous times but also illness. This is how we humans are. She has a caring & loving family. In time I hope you can re-phase in your own way & connect with the good memories. I don't wish to minimise the heavy weight of grief now, just acknowledge lighter times are ahead.
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Vickie, I’m sorry your mom is dying. You have been a good daughter and have taken care of them, and they were well looked after. It’s time for your mom to rest and be restored. I know you will miss her. HUGS
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<(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
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Hi Vickie
Deep breaths today. There are many mysteries and unknowns in life but whether you cared for your mom is not one of them. You chose to see her through these her last days and it was your gift to her and to yourself.
Yes, I believe whenever we find ourselves managing anyone’s care, we are constantly searching for what else we can do, what tasks were forgotten. That might take awhile for your mind to settle as you anticipate moms departure.
Breath in. Let her know you are with her. Let her feel your presence. That will be enough. Be gentle with yourself. We all die regardless of the best meds or doctors or good intentions.
Finally we all put the struggle away.
It is very ambitious of us to think we can cheat death regardless of what one more thing we might have offered. It comes for us all at some point.
We are with you Vickie as you say goodbye to your mom. Big hugs.
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I have an odd sense of humor so take this for what it is....
The only thing that you could have done to not feel "guilty" or feel differently is..not be born. And you had nothing to say about that.

In all seriousness if you could go back in time what would you have done differently?

Watching anyone die is difficult. Watching a parent, child or a spouse die is even more difficult.
Your mom has dementia and kidney failure, your mom is 90 years old. Would she want to continue to live her life this way? There is a difference between "living" and "existing" and there is a difference between Quality of life and Quantity of life.
Be grateful that you have a mom that was/is a good mom. I read so many here that their moms were abusive and it breaks my heart.
Thank your mom, thank her for what she has taught you. She will be with you forever. She will be with you in your heart and mind. (my Mom died 58 years ago and I still hear her voice in my head!)

If you wish talk to the Hospice Chaplain. I am sure that he/she has heard it all before.
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All that you are thinking and feeling is normal. Sounds like you did all you could and did a great job. Be kind to yourself.

90 is a long life.
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Im sorry about your mom. You did everything right and please don't question yourself. If you hadn't cared for her so well she might have passed away years ago. Prayers&Hugs
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I am sorry you are feeling there is something you could have done to change the outcome of life. You have loved, cared, and now you'll mourn for your mom. I am sorry your mom is transitioning in the next step of life. Hugs to you, It's hard, but you've only done good.
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Once my mother got into the later stages of dementia, I prayed for God to take her. I would do nothing to "save" her or to extend her misery on earth for one more day of agitation of wanting to see her deceased parents and siblings. I was relieved when the day came that she did pass. While it's very hard to watcha loved one transition, know that your mom is on her way to perfect peace and a new existence free from pain and suffering. We are the ones left with grief and suffering. Please don't add guilt to your plate.
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Saved her from what? I am assuming she didn't have an excellent quality of life. Would you really want to prolong that?

When my father got covid in a rehab facility in 2020 I was really surprised that the ER doctor took the time to ask me what I wanted out of all of this. I told him that I wanted my father to have a good quality of life and if that was not possible, please don't prolong things for the sake of keeping him alive. Just make him comfortable. I did not want to see him bedridden for several months just to prolong a miserable existence.
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This is a normal feeling. I fought for my mother to almost the very end. I didn't know the underlying issue, she had a stent that was going to fail at 7 to 10 years, and that was that. I found out in her last week and put her on hospice.

I still felt like I should have done this or that, but then it revolved around quality of life and could I have made it better?

Here's what I know, I was closer to her in those days than at any other time. I couldn't have cared for her and neither could my father have done so, it was beyond us. And, what we did was the best we could do.

I may have regrets but I also don't have any regrets.
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Your feelings are normal. Good luck and take care.
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Thank you everyone one I do feel a lot better reading all of you posts. It was a hard day today as I said good bye to her wonderful care givers they were always there for me I will still be seeing them as I became very good friend with one of them I love her so much for all the kindness she gave me and my mom there really are angels on earth I would not have gotten though this with out her love and support I always knew if I couldn't get there she was in good hands thanks again for everyone on here you all our such a supportive group I only hope more people find the group I love you all
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I felt that when my dad succumbed to complications of Alzheimer's and from what I have learned since, feeling this way is the rule, and not the exception.

I made certain decisions of which care facilities and one was not good and did not keep him hydrated properly as an example

This was five years ago and someone I think on this forum asked me this: Doctors and scientists have been searching for cures for Alzheimers for decades. Who are you to think YOU could have done anything differently to change the outcome?

Maybe something different could have changed things a a few days (he died a half hour before the end of a month so missed out on a whole months of SS which annoyed me at the time but doesnt seem like a big deal now)

But there is nothing I could have done, nor in your case what you could have done to change the outcome.

I learned this is a normal part of grief, feeling some guilt, and while you may feel it for a while, you have to keep TELLING yourself there is nothing you should feel guilty about.
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