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Hi, new here. I am an RN, single and lived in a beautiful mountain area. I have moved to suburbia (don't like it as I am a big outdoor person) to care for my elderly mother. I still have my home in the mtns. which needs major repairs and I am caring for mom 24/7. She has always been critical of me and made me feel bad in many ways thru the years. As much as I miss my home, I am OK being here as she needs the care. But, when I mentioned that I would need financial help for my mortgage, etc. and just money for things like my car fuel, upkeep, etc. never mind just some extra for me, she balked at $500/wk. My mom can easily afford this but thinks it is WAY too much.


Is the amount I asked for too much?? She'd pay a lot more for an aide or companion. I don't want to be rich (evidently) but be able to have a little spending money for me. I feel hurt. I have already saved her life by holding some of the meds the MDs discharged her on which would have dropped her BP to 0 if given as prescribed. I don't want an award, just for her to appreciate my value and that I care for her enough to give up my life and she should care for me in this way.

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I'm assuming you gave up a job when you moved to care for Mom. Yes, she would pay a lot more than $500/week for a full-time aide, and you would earn a lot more than that working as an RN. What you ask is not unreasonable at all. You still have bills to pay. We all do. If your mother still balks at paying you a reasonable amount, suggest that she hire an aide for herself and you will go back to your own home and your work as an RN.
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It sounds like a perfectly reasonable amount and your mother should pay it. I receive money from my father for my 24/7 caregiving (which he pays taxes on so I get credit for the work with Social Security) and thus have some money coming in for my own expenses and savings, etc.

But these red flags jumped out at me:

"She has always been critical of me and made me feel bad in many ways thru the years."

"I don't want an award, just for her to appreciate my value and that I care for her enough to give up my life and she should care for me in this way."

We read so many posts like yours on this forum: adult children of abusive or difficult parents giving up their own lives to, I assume, try to finally earn the love they deserve.

Please rethink this situation.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Thanks, SnoopyLove. I'm not sure that I am looking for love as I know already that she really doesn't know HOW to love. I don't expect that to change. But my Mom has always instilled in me this feeling of guilt if I did anything imperfect or wrong, like it was a direct attack on her. I think I still feel guilty even thinking of throwing in the towel.
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ADKwoman, I just checked your profile, and my gosh your Mom is 100 years old. Imagine all the things she had witnessed in her life time that we take for granted today like television, dishwashers, sliced bread, bras, ballpoint pens, electric can openers, vacuum cleaners, just to name a few.

As for your Mom thinking $500 per week is too much, and if she needs around the clock care, that would come to $3.32 per hour. Ok, if Mom sleeps through the night, then it would be $4.47 per hour for 16 hours per day. Maybe using in terms of "per hour", Mom might then feel that is too low.

If you were working at a hospital or at a doctor's office, you would have your salary... probably health insurance which in itself is quite expensive for the hospital/doctor to give as a benefit... payroll taxes for your Social Security and Medicare.... paid vacation/sick days.... possible life insurance, and other benefits. If your Mom never worked outside of the house, she may not understand all that is involved in today's world of employment.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Thanks freqflyer. I never thought about breaking it into an hourly wage. My Mom knows enough about work; she worked part time while we were growing up as a social worker (MSW).
And yes, my Mom gets up a few times a night at least (and of course, so do I) so I guess I would be earning $3.32 per hour …. with no vacations, time off, sick days (geesh! I must be insane!!)
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I think $500 a week is reasonable and fair. Your mother needs to understand you have financial obligations. She is very fortunate to have you caring for her 24/7. I would have a talk with her about being too critical of you, It is difficult enough caring for a loved one 24/7, you need to be appreciated, not criticized. My goodness, you need to be firm, and put everything on the table here. The other option is your mother hiring a live-in caregiver. She will quickly see how expensive it is for 24/7 care. Please address these important issues soon. Hope everything works out for you and your mother.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Thanks earlybird. You sound like a toned down version of a good friend of mine who is always telling me to stop letting my mother bully me and turn the tables on her. In a way I'd love to do this, wonder if I could, and then think I couldn't as I would feel mean...ugh! :/ I have always been the caregiver, the rescuer, the forgiver, etc. in my life, in and out of work. Hard to turn this around without a LOT of guilt.
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I am considering respite care for my husband that would cost $250 a day., so your $500 a week is a terrific bargain for your mother.
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gdaughter Aug 2019
are you talking of a 12 or 24 hour day for $250?
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It sounds like you really want two separate things. The first is a proper payment for the work and for the impact that this has had on your life. The second is for her to appreciate your value - in fact probably for some love, respect and gratitude.

You say that your mother “has always been critical of me and made me feel bad in many ways thru the years”. People usually get meaner, not nicer, as they age. It is probably unlikely that your mother will change now to give you the love, respect and gratitude that has never been there before. So don’t take on her care in hopes of that.
If you are willing to do the care for other reasons, hold out for what you think is a fair rate of pay. If mother won’t pay it (and you say she can easily afford it), just STOP. Let her work out what to do – or if you are really kind, help her to find alternatives. But don’t work underpaid for love, when the love isn’t there. You will end up bitter, as well as poor.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Thanks for your response, Margaret. My mother says she is grateful that I am here with her, but I wonder if in her mind she believes I am obliged as a "good daughter" to be here for her without expecting anything in return. She took her own mother into our home when my grandfather died and brought this fact up multiple times when the family was encouraging my mom to go to a really nice assisted living place. But the fact is that my grandmother moved in to my mom's house; my mother didn't have to move. My dad was fine with the arrangement and best of all, my mom got a 'free' housekeeper as my grandmother was always cooking, washing dishes, cleaning, etc. until her sudden death at 90. Grandma was a true asset for my mom... she made my mother's life easier!

In contrast, my mom is elderly, feeble and requires physical care, gets up multiple times a night for trips to the bathroom or into the kitchen for a 3 a.m. ice cream. I am up assisting her for all these things. I walk around like a zombie all day. She has always focused on the negatives in every situation and now focuses on feeling sorry for herself and crying about it. She has traveled the world, had a wonderful husband (my Dad) and after he passed she had 25 yrs. of being doted on by her gentleman friend. She has always been healthy and never had financial worries, but now all she focuses on is her idea that no one suffers as she does. I try to get her remembering the wonderful trips she has taken w/ Dad or her friend, but she always goes back to feeling upset about her present state. It is so draining for me (and anyone who spends even a brief time with her).

As for love, my mother 'loves' me but sadly she doesn't really understand what love is about.
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I think you should go back to your home and your job. Let your mom hire help through an agency.

IF you were to stay, you should set up a caregiver contract through a lawyer (lawyer gets paid with Mom's funds).

$20 per hour would be a bargain. Let's say 5 hours per day=$700 per week. If she need 24/7 care and supervision, then that's more.

It's not that you need help with your mortgage. It's that you should be paid a wage for doing a job. And mom should be allowed the dignity of paying her own way, shouldn't she?

Take it or leave it, Mom.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Thanks Barb. I Love "the dignity of paying her own way." It may be a real eye opener for my Mom to look at it that way.
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$500 a week is a steal!
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Go back to your life and let mom hire someone else to help her. $500/week is CHEAP labor.

Lets see, 24 hours X 7 = 168 hours
$500 / 168 hours = $2.98/hour

Where can I go to find a RN to help me day and night 24/7 for less than $3/hour.

Remember, even when you're sleeping, you're still on call.

The only way for her to see your value is for her to pay someone else at the standard rate of $20 -$25/ hour 24/7. Then she will beg you to come back.

Did you have to quit your job to come and care for your mother? If so, she's costing you your earnings and your future financial security.
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gdaughter Aug 2019
that was my math as well!
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Obviously, you aren't asking for too much money. You deserve more than minimum wage, and you are asking for so much less. I do wonder, though, how you will fund your own old age if you don't work now. Who will care for you when you are broke?

You may be okay with being there for her, but can you afford it? Your mother needs to be realistic about her life and limitations. You probably do, too.

Hugs to you as you (hopefully) take a realistic look at your likely future if you stay with your mom. I hope you find an alternative that will honor her need for care and your need to make your own life.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Thanks
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You should ask for the standard rate of pay for someone doing the jobs you are doing, less any benefits you get. (So if she pays for all food you should deduct that, if you use her car for your use only, deduct that - any ADDITIONAL ENERGY COSTS due to anything you choose to so- so all in all not a lot). Work out what she would pay for the hours you do at the level of care you do minus those minimal costs (keeping record of calculation) and that is what you should charge. Keep a record of what is paid against what is charged because if you actually accept less than that ( and I suspect you will take maybe 10-20% of what it should be) then you may be able to claim the rest as back pay if she has to go into a home and they are assessing her assets, as she will theoretically owe you that. It isn't a case of love or wanting to be appreciated, it is a case of being paid for doing a job and protecting you and her assets against homecare costs in the future.
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Take a month long break and have your mother hire help. Then she can see what this really costs. Did you ever ask her how she expects you to live without any money coming in?
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Well, you'd better show her the options, hadn't you?

Cost out three of them:

#1 in-home care as is - caregiver contract with you @$2K per month PLUS allow for respite care and the additional support that you are *bound* to need at some point;

#2 in-home care without you, care supplied by agencies or employees;

#3 continuing care facility.

I don't think she'll still think it's too much, but it's up to her.

It would be nice to be appreciated, and it's true that appreciation, love, mutual regard do form most of the real compensation for the sacrifice that family caregivers make (that's why we're so cheap!). But meanwhile, we are still living in the real world, you can't appeal to the loving heart of your utilities suppliers, and she needs to offset what you would be earning if your time was not devoted to her care.
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Riverdale Aug 2019
Sorry to seem so blunt but I think there could be option #4 which would be to return home and let her figure it out.

I am amazed at the number of stories of offspring caring for parents who are downright abusive. I know aging is difficult but it needn't be downright abusive. I think some of these parents should be given an ultimatum. Otherwise accept the abuse and tolerate it which seems like a waste of a life.

When my mother suggested the possibility of going to live with her niece who accused me of forcing her from her home after a fall,head trauma and numerous other signs of self neglect not to mention being told at the hospital that she should not be living alone due to many conditions, I told her fine but that would be the end of my involvement with her. That was the end of a conversation that was never brought up again.
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Seems I calculated it once at $20.00, $30.00 (overtime) an hour which came to $240,000.00 a year! I would have to run it again to be certain, but at $500 a week, a bargain! Offer her assisted living instead and return to your home.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2019
Wow! Geeeeez!

We as caregivers are worth every penny. Most of us don’t get a cent. Some are even paying to support the person that they care for.
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Out of sheer curiosity I just googled "RN salaries in Ridge, NY" and the range is $42-132K per annum.

Only, of course, she'd need to employ at least two, and more like three; so call it 2.5 x $85K (mean figure) = $212.5K per annum = $4,087 per month. Not including taxes, benefits, insurance...

"Mother I love you very much. Here are the figures."
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gladimhere Aug 2019
And that doesn't take overtime into account.
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My dad pays $1540 a week for 24/7 care. So yes $500 a bargain. Have you thought of hiring a night time caregiver because you are running yourself down and eventually not be able to cope yourself. But of course you know that. Good luck.
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PowerOf3 Aug 2019
It’s $2310 here in California each week
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If Mom is 100 years old $500 a week probably does sound like a lot to her, think about it back in her day that was a very good wage. That doesn't mean she doesn't or can't live in the present just that putting it to her that way maybe sounds like more to her than breaking it down by the hour or comparing it to what the going rate in your area is for someone with your training and credentials. How much would you be earning (and working) if you went to work for her elderly neighbor for instance. Now you aren't there simply for the job which is why she get's more benefit from having you care for her than from someone else but that may be hard for her to grasp without the facts in front of her because she sees you as her daughter not as an RN. Maybe it would even be worth including the option of you living with her but also working in your profession meaning she would have to hire caregivers for the time you are working and living life. Your mom must be able to see the need to care for your old age as well after she is gone and appreciate your desire to provide for yourself rather than expect her or someone else to do that. Have you talked to mom about moving to the area you live and have established your life? At the very least it might give her pause to realize you are uprooting yourself to care for her and keep her where she is, without you pointing it out, if this is where you grew up in her mind you may be coming home to where your really want to be and moving in with her is making that possible rather than that you are giving up something.
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
Back in her day, $500 a week was an unheard of wage.
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I got figures, I’m hiring one now!
$330 per day for 24 hour care.
$46 for 1 hour
$106 for 4 hours
these are the charges for IN HOME CARE, NOT HOME “HEALTH” CARE. If medical help is necessary it’s way more expensive. Even putting pills in the weekly divider is considered HEALTH.
If you aren’t working and she’s not paying you then you’re supposed to lose your home? The American dream, entire career, Plus Your Serenity?? In my opinion that’s not ok and no matter how much you love her that’s not realistic to expect of a child. In reality you’re paying to care for her. AgingCare.com can have people come out for whatever level of care is needed and give you their figures so she can see them on paper. She is older and I understand that sounds like a lot but she’s lived through to these times and she’s quite aware milk is $3.99 a gallon and it’s not delivered by the milkman so I apologize for sounding callous but gas was .36 cents a gallon and it’s damn near 4 dollars now ( I’m 46) so she’s not getting sicker shock! I found several great companies with the help on here and this forum has been invaluable. I suppose the choice is up to her, pay you so you keep your home or pay a stranger $2,310.00 per week so you can go home, it’s that simple.
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TXGirl82 Aug 2019
@tacy022 In my area, a gallon of store brand, non-organic cow's milk is $3.20 right now.
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I'll apologise right at the top - yes I meant per week! Jacobsonbob was quite right - I carefully divided by 52 then my mind wandered and I said per month.

Oh dear I will go and sit underneath the desk for a little while until I stop blushing.
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freqflyer Aug 2019
Countrymouse, you were just checking to make sure others here were paying attention :)
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My (88) mom paid $1750 in Nevada per week for 24/7 care - 1 person. My mother let go of care because she said that was just waay to expensive. Then she hired care outside of the agency and paid $800 per week. She still thought that was too expensive. Now she's by herself. Fall risk of course, still drives and is a shut in. (She fell and broke hip earlier this year, went to ER, Hospital, Rehab , PT in Home etc . .) I have no control over her, and can't until she gets a pysch eval. - that's a whole-nother-story!

I live to far to check on her in person on a regular basis, plus I need to be home to watch my 74 year old husband making sure he is taken care of. He's beginning to become a fall risk, and has a few other issues cropping up now. My priority is MY husband/home/business and MY sanity.

Your Mom should be grateful that you asked for $500/wk and she gets to have YOU around! And remind her that wages are at where they are NOW so you can buy food and shelterTODAY, NOT 60 years ago.

$500/wk to pay your own daughter not only seems reasonable, affordable and a bargain, but you'd think your own mom would give with a warm hand rather than a cold one. I shake my head when I hear elderly parents won't compensate for their adult children that sacrifice their productive lives for a parent who is selfish and difficult - expecting you to slave over them. And don't give me that "they took care of you when YOU were a child" crap. For me, I don't buy into it. And, besides, my mom paid a live-in to take care of me until I was 13. So there. And my mom also, didn't do any care for HER mom (her uncle did - because my mom was a career woman with a husband, child and mortgage) So there again.!
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anonymous828521 Aug 2019
Good one! CapnREY.
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Whatever anyone pays or will pay, we can all agree it’s a ton of money and $500 bucks a week is a steal!
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If you go through with this plan, please hire another person to take your place 2 days a week to go to your house or wherever to have some rest. And $500 a week is very low.
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Yes, get that money paid to you friend! It's hard not to feel guilty: even though you did everything right! Definitely keep yourself financially solvent (& more). We have to ignore their "inner cheapskate", lol. It is ridiculous how they hoard cash, as if they can take it with them! I was surprised that my mother had anything left for me, (cuz if she would have gone to nursing home after ALF), I would be back to going to the food pantry right now. Please get what you need to repair your house too! ((Hugs)).
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$500 a week for 24x7 care? When can you move in?🤣 Husband and I actually purchased insurance plans and they pay $1000 a week if needed. As we know insurance companies are extremely cheap and this is their number. Take the money from her or explain her alternatives. Easier to say looking from the outside in but you're there to help care for her. If she balks at what you're requesting, get a couple bids from outside agencies, tell them RN, not CNA fee as there is a greater wage discrepancy and show her what your time and expertise is actually worth on the open market. She just may change her tune. Also agree to have her pay someone so you can get some rest and down time.
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CNA from an agency is about $30-$35 an hour--they do hands on care. Help them get up, bath, change them, etc. Sitters charge $20 an hour and all they do is sit--no hands on care. Administration of medications --neither CNA nor home health aides can administer medications, so she needs to pay for home health nurse visits (LPN or RN) on top of that.

$500 a week comes down to $2.98 an hour.

Be mindful IF you come to a dollar amount she will LEGALLY become YOUR employer and you need to prepare taxes unless she plans to pay under the table BUT in the event she needs to go on Medicaid for nursing home placement--the government will consider this "gifting". Without paying filing taxes there is no proof this was not gifting. Believe me they will find out. The government has access to all bank account information instantly.
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If your mother needs 24/7 care, why can't her house be sold and you move back to the mountains with her. She should decide does she want an aide or you. Saving her life life is commendable but it will be on a 24/7 basis not just once. Not being mean, just honest. Elderly are 50 / 50 fall risks and just all the skittles that comes with being elderly. Doctors can be changed, meds can be mail ordered and even packaged with Simple Meds and other companies. Most cities now have dial 211 from your cell phone and puts you in touch with Community Action Services for the elderly and disabled. It was my godsend.
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AmirsMom Aug 2019
I agree with you!! My thought was if her mom kept harping that she had cared for her own mother, then say, ok, move in with me. Not the opposite. We all
loathe the prospect of moving, of change, of loss of independence but her body simply has 100-year old parts and cannot function safely like before.
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Just out of curiosity, if she's always been critical of you etc, why are you subjecting yourself to this? I ask as I was doing the same but became suicidal after all the abuse from my mother (and her darling loved children who did nothing). My mother refused to give me a dime and even ignored my 60th birthday (which I spent alone cleaning her home and waiting on her). I had to leave or kill myself. Yes, now she's probably written me out of her will, but my siblings will steal it all anyway so what's the point. I've digressed substantially - which I Ieave here to show - if you start to become broken altogether as I am now, you maybe should return to your life.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Im sorry to hear what you have been put thru. I already have been battling depression for many years and I don't want that to get worse.
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Also facing similar issues with my Mother. I would be happy to pay you more to come stay with my mother. Try $15 - $20k per month for 24/7 care. Best of luck to you.
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Neeney Aug 2019
15 to 20 grand a month? That's outrageous for anyone. Can anyone tell me what a nursing home costs in Florida?
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I hope you'll consider other options for care for your mom.  My mom and I too have had a difficult relationship - and now her dementia and advanced age only make it worse.  I realized many years ago that no matter what I did to care for my mother it would never have been enough, correct, etc.  We disagree on just about everything - so there is no way I would have quit my job to take care of mom.  Besides my own retirement is looming (I'm 66) and need to continue to contribute to my retirement funds (no pension plans for me)...and to SS.  Once you stop working unless you're well set on your own in some other way - you cannot count on anything mother has - as it could all be eaten up with her care expenses.  My mom lives in an Adult Foster Care home and it takes just about her entire income to stay there - and of course she criticizes everything (from the food, to the other residents, to the laundry, etc.)  Nothing is ever good enough for mom...

Negotiating anything with my mother is out of the question as her abilities to reason have long ago left - she fired 5 different people/care companies that were hired to help prior to the AFC...so it just got to the point after a hospitalization where she could no longer live alone at home...

Think of the long term and try to find an alternative situation for her care - nothing you do will ever be the thing she wants or likes ... I wish you the best of luck with this!
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You’re profile says mom is 100...so how old are you? Surely you’re not still working as an RN at your age are you?
I realize your question is about wages and that your request has been validated to you on this forum in spades.

There is some really deep deep seated need to be needed by your mother to prove you are good enough. Therefore you’ve subjugated her needs over your own. At 100 she has lived long enough. She has plenty of money for her care. My question to you is do you have enough for your own retirement? And possible care in the future?

Personally I think you should not be living with her but you didn’t ask that. Plenty of us on here have suggested that. But at least get someone hired to be there during the night so you can sleep. Unless you want your lack of sleep to cause your hippocampus to shrink so you can possibly have dementia later.

Do you feel you have value? Is your life more important than mom who has had by your account a fantastic, easy and LONG life? Shes 100 and has lived her life. Yes, aging is hard but it’s not your fault is it. Get a thicker skin, some self respect and decide how to proceed forward. Hope you will let us know what ends up happening.
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ADKwoman Aug 2019
Thanks. Everyone here has validated how I feel. I really don't want to be here full time, I am glad I can care for my mom, but I can see it is running me into the ground already and if she feels I am not worthy of being paid a better than reasonable salary, why am I doing this. Not sure. Feel I was the only option left so I stayed.
Lots for me to figure out here, but I feel better knowing I am not being a 'bad daughter' if I tell her she needs to find another option for her care. I really appreciate everyone's insight and support
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