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Mom has become an unreasonable penny-pincher as she worries about AL in the future and the exorbitant cost of it. I understand this but grocery shopping is a nightmare. Sticker shock is expected, but to the extent that everything goes back on the shelf. Mom needs the sensory stimulus of shopping so home delivery at this point is not an option. Some examples:
”I can’t afford $2 a can for dog food, where is the 79cent can? I’ll just give the dog bread.”
”Only $10.00 in gas please.”
”What? We need a new fan on the heater. Next year.” ( 2 weeks with no heat because of delay w/service and supply chain issue)
I pay for what I can, but am retired and on fixed income.
Welcoming suggestions please and thank you.

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The shopping frustration is now over. Mum thoroughly enjoyed sending me to pick up this and that, while I wondered if she really needed it. Sadly, no more trips - she passed away earlier this year. But what a shock when I had to clean out the pantry. Boxes of Jello so old they were like solid bricks. One of the worst was discovering a jar of Crosse & Blackwell mincemeat. Oh what a treat that was in years past. Could find no exp date so called company. Brand had been sold off to Smucker’s I think years prior. I was advised not to keep it. Why in the world did she hoard stuff? Why not bake that pie and enjoy it? Her mom always went by first in freezer first out. Then I heard of another guilty person stashing loads of stuff. When asked why, the lady said ‘you know I can’t cook any more but they don’t and when they see all this, they think I’m still perfectly capable.’ Then I found a bottle of Irish cream - some type of liquor- tried to dump it out but nothing - poked the contents - no give - finally pried out a chunk of something that looked like brown cardboard- hoarded and wasted! No answer for it other than missing her but shaking my head over the hoarding of everything imaginable.
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I had forgotten DDD.

That's what I was too. Mom couldn't see over the dashboard and yet she'd be giving me driving directions.

If I turned left instead of making 6 right hand turns to get her home from a store, she'd get mad.

Some things, I really won't miss.
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It's not unusual for people to be worried about their finances as they age. Get connected with a local social worker to make sure that your mother (and you as her caregiver) are getting all of the benefits that you both are entitled to. There are programs to help with food, heating, etc. Are you living with her? Are there ways you both can downsize your living expenses without going without essentials? All the best to you both.
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When my mother gave up driving, I became her designated driver (aka Dummy Daughter Driver). She insisted I take her grocery shopping, and it took HOURS. She didn't trust me to pick out the exact right can, piece, jar, bottle, etc. I had to make sure I always got the best-dated item. Because she insisted on doing this, she lost out on other opportunities like being taken to the mall to walk (she and my father did that for years, and then she did it herself when she was still driving). That was the socialization she lost, as I don't think the socialization and stimulation of grocery shopping was that beneficial. She refused to do anything else (I offered to take her to a scripture study at church). I took her to Mass and medical/dental appointments, and one shopping trip/week. She was not happy, but had to accept my boundaries. I also took her to one chair yoga class/week (the same day, and right before she got her shopping time), but that was only because I could swim laps at the same time.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
You made me giggle when you wrote, “Designated Dummy Driver.”

I was one of those also.

Love your response!
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Find other stimulation. I take my mom to church and back to my apartment every Sunday. We visit parks and watch the ducks. I do the shopping. My mom is a spender and worse now. She likes back ups to the backups! She can not comprehend money and the value of it. Spare yourself the frustration…do the shop, arrange repairs etc.
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Seems like it is time to consult a financial planner at your mom's bank. He/She can help with discussing costs of living and making plans for future financial needs. In the USA, people who are below a certain financial level qualify for government assistance - food stamps, Medicaid, government housing... The financial planner can advise you both if this is a necessity and point you in the right direction to start application(s) process.
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When my parents retired it was not uncommon for them to venture out 2-3 times a day, going here and there. Thus, when they got into their 90's and could no longer drive, I found myself driving them every which way. Dad was bored with grocery shopping, so he would wander down to Radio Shack.

Then into the car again to yet another grocery store as that store had a sale on canned peas and ice cream. Then back into the car, to Wal-Mart, oh good grief that was exhausting as Mom would head for the grocery side of the store while Dad headed to the electronics. It was like herding cats.

Finally I told them that the major grocery store that they liked had on-line ordering and curb-side pickup. Dad said he had a better idea, I could just drive them to the grocery store and come back a half hour later to pick them up...... yeah right, half hour later they would be only be in aisle 10 out of 26.

I had to put my foot down, I was going to use on-line ordering. It was a Godsend, it worked beautifully. Even though Mom said the food tasted funny, it was the identical food items she always would buy. Even though my folks had since passed, I am still using the on-line service.
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At this rate you are going to go broke supporting your mom.

I took my mom shopping but she brought her checkbook with her! She was old school and I couldn’t get her to switch to a debit card.

Later on, when she could no longer go shopping with me due to her health, I took her list and did the shopping for her but she paid for it.

Occasionally, she grumped about prices but I told her that prices increase and if she wanted those items that was the cost that she had to pay.

They grew up during the depression era and they developed the mindset of saving for a rainy day. I get this but we can’t subsidize what they can’t afford all of the time. A few things here and there are fine but not on a regular basis.

Her poor pooch. He shouldn’t have to suffer because she is so frugal.
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MimiKitchen: Perhaps your mother has Depression Era mindset. The dog should not eat bread, of course. Heat is necessary.
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Whether or not M ‘needs the sensory stimulus of shopping’, YOU don’t need ‘the nightmare’. Take her to the library instead.
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What kind of income does mom have? Does she have savings or a house. You should not be paying for anything. Do you have POA or access to her funds? I would suggest the you do the shopping, with her money, and not take her to the store anymore. The “take her to Target and let her walk around” was a great idea. Do not continue to stress yourself over her frugality. You are enabling her to continue this when you pay instead of using her money. Set some boundaries. You are the only one that can stop this behavior. “No” is a complete sentence. She still drives? If she can afford gas and car expenses, she can afford groceries. Does she have any idea what AL costs? How old is she?
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Remove the dog from her care immediately if she's refusing to buy it food.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
I agree. The dog shouldn’t have to suffer.
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Mimi,

You need to cease paying for anything for her, period. The inflation we're all facing is hard to process, at the store or online, it's just today's reality. Don't we all wish that everything were priced what it was years ago, even 2 years ago!

Agree that the in-store shopping has become a harmful stimulus for her and you're allowing yourself to be manipulated by guilt over inflationary issues over which you've no control, please don't assume that your mom isn't fully aware that she's forcing you to sacrifice for her needs and benefit. If she's saving her money for AL and you're paying instead, who benefits?

Shop for or order what she needs and the dog too (I recently paid $65. for a 30# bag or dog food and about dropped my jaw); the cost of everything is crazy. Buy what she needs with her money and stop enabling her behaviors. Hide the receipts if need be.

Perhaps she should be in AL now, where meals are part of the cost so that she's no longer 'saving' until some future date, you can't afford this.

We all know that The Great Depression generation is accustomed to food stocking against lean times; these are lean times so you can bring in stocks of cheaper items - with her money - to satisfy that for food stores need in her, while she pays for the basics.

Best -
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pamzimmrrt Dec 2022
Just a thought but if you have a "Tractor Supply" or other type farm store you can get dog food much cheaper. Maybe not Your brand, but thier brands are pretty affordable for large bags, We have a feral cat colony and get bulk cat food for a really great price. That or Sams/Costco .
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I sympathize. My hair stands on end every time I see the prices of groceries.

I say get the expensive things delivered and let her shop for the less expensive. Get the poor dog's food delivered.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Groceries are expensive! I agree, feed the dog.
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Look into Meals on Wheels.
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Who told you she needs sensory stimulus? That sounds like one of the false caregiving credos that we all dislike so much. If stimulus is upsetting her, it’s worth nothing. She’d be better off at home petting the dog. As we get older, certain stimuli affect us in different ways than they used to. For instance, most elders like to be touched, feet rubbed, other human contact. But the stimuli in a food store - too many people, clanging carts, loud music and announcements - can agitate, upset or anger them.
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I wonder if it's time for AL sooner rather than later. Do you have POA? Is it activated? Please, do NOT pay for anything else. Your money is for YOU and YOUR retirement. I would take her credit card or her cash and buy the groceries that she needs. Do something else with her for stimulation. Take her to Target when YOU need to go shopping so she doesn't need to stress out so much about the prices. Take her out for a cup of coffee, etc. No more grocery shopping.
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Beatty Dec 2022
This.
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She needs a different sensory stimulus. *I* get an anxiety attack doing the shopping. The agitation of seeing the prices shopping is *bad stimulus*.

I used to think the same thing for my mom but currently with inflation going mad it's too much. I will occasionally point out to her "OMG can you believe it a dozen eggs is 4.79. Lets go get some chickens instead". But taking her with me to the store would be absolutely counter-productive, She'd just get super scared at the cost everything has gone up.

Honestly. Look into SNAP in your state for mom. The minimum income requirements have changed, the minimum amount per household/person has gone up. I can't remember if the income thing changed only in my state or nationally (PA) but I became eligible for SNAP this year and it has been a lifesaver, even the small amount one might be eligible for (say a household of one, getting 18 whole dollars) is still 18 whole dollars, which is 9# of chicken breast if you catch it on sale, a bucnh of pounds of pasta or rice or flour or whatever.

Also a lot of elderly are eligible for food boxes etc.

Also, there are sometimes animal adoption/care services that will help the elderly keep their animals by giving them dog foods/cat foods/litter/etc. It keep the elderly person's life enriched with a dog or cat and keeps the animal out of the shelter.
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The reality is no one can afford assisted living for very long unless they are very wealthy. With people living so long you would need millions to last until death. Give her a reality check based on how much she has saved versus the cost of AL to show her that pinching pennies now and living cold and hungry will not really give her that many more extra months or years in assisted living.
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Your mom can't possibly need that much in the way of groceries. I know my mom spent about $30 a week. On the exact same items.

YOU should not be paying for anything for mom. She has an income, why aren't you using that? If YOU are paying for her incidentals, then I would have a chat with her and explain that YOU are the one who is 'out' the money, not her.

Sounds like the sensory stimulus is not achieving the positive effect, if she is just getting upset over the cost of everything.

Everyone is affected by the inflationary situation we're in. Your mom is not immune.

Do you make a list and stick to it? Using coupons and going to stores which are having sales?

I personally would not take her shopping, esp if I were paying for everything. Make a list together and YOU go alone. Likely, without being distracted by mom's fussing, you'll get done faster and be able to price compare w/o her negativity.

Is she currently living independently? Or with you? I couldn't make that out.

If she's living with you, then it's really your rules, esp if she's not the one paying.
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Maybe your example isn't real but, in case it is, please do not let her feed the dog bread. It will get sick.

You could encourage her to make whole food dog food and freeze it. Cheap meat, brown rice and veggies or she can buy dry food and add warm water to soften it.

I did the dry food and warm with my dads little dog and she loved it. My German Shepards get fed this twice a day and I add healthy oils to increase nutrition, like salmon oil, olive oil and occasionally they get bacon grease as a treat, it only takes a dash of oil, think about the size of supplements.

You may have to take her shopping for the exercise and then go buy, with their money, the items they need to survive.

Food prices are beyond sticker shock, so I can understand her complaints but, we gotta eat now and leave tomorrow for tomorrow.
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I can see the sticker shock and prices have gone up a lot but that does not mean the dog starves or you get hypothermia from not having heat. Do you have a Costcos or BJs where the dog food can be bought in bulk?

At your parents age and decline, why are they waiting for in going into an AL? Seems Mom has some mental decline if she thinks its OK for the dog to eat bread. Do you live with them or just nearby? Is she taking care of the dog properly and Dad. I think maybe its time for an AL talk.
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