Follow
Share

My Mom is in the beginning stages of dementia. She is still able to live at her home alone but only does so 4 nights a week. The rest of the time she spends at my home. I really enjoy my Mom and although we had typical issues during my adolescence but then became close friends and often spent long periods of time traveling together.


My main struggle is me and my reaction to her. With her memory issues she has become more passive aggressive then she ever was before. Because she struggles with processing information she now process everything verbally.


For example she has always loved fresh french bread, not toasted, with butter. I set her up with a pot of coffee, fruit, and some of her favorite bread. I was then busy completing another task.


She first made mention " how it's such a shame I don't have a toaster. Then went on to wonder why don't I have a toaster. Did I think I was better than the other people who had toasters? This bread would be so delicious if only it was toasted. I broke into her soliloquy to remind her I did indeed have a toaster and she was welcome to use it.


She then changed her verbal musing to wondering why I would give her untoasted bread. Didn't I think she was worth of taking the extra time perhaps? Never mind for 77 years she has never eaten her bread toasted as long as I can remember.


My mother is not a mean person. She was never any more passive aggressive than the average human. Now it seems to become a constant theme of her personality.


However what really bothers me is my reaction to her. I manage to let 90% of her needling pass by me without even a blink. It is the other 10% that concerns me. I was in the middle of a task her constant stream of consciousness made me angry so I could not focus. I finally threw it down stomped over to her picked up her bread. Slammed it into the toaster and stood there fuming why I waited it to toast.


In the meanwhile Mom attention has moved on to other things. So in the few minutes it took me toast and butter the bread she has lost the thread of the conversation. When I bring the toast back to the table. She looks up at me confused and says "Oh honey you know I don't like toast. What were you thinking? "


I seriously contemplated throwing the toast right at her. Instead I walked away hearing her talk to my cat asking. " Now why do you think she is such a grouch today?"


I guess that is the biggest struggle. Because she doesn't remember interactions from 30 minutes ago I am always the wrong one. I am always the grump that is just not willing to be a good sport. It is so frustrating not having a shared reality. I am so sick of always, always being wrong.


It also is so hard because I know she can't help it. Why can't I let these things go? Why do I give a damn about toast?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
cherilinehan, we all have our mini breaking points, and for you this time it was Mom and toast.

I know I get annoyed if I am concentrating on a task and if I am interrupted for a minor thing I tend to blow. It's like, don't bother me unless your hair is on fire !!

Try to humor Mom, agree with her, and say you are sorry about the toast. We need to remember that our parent's brain is broken. After the fact, what Mom had said "This bread would be so delicious if only it was toasted" got to admit it did bring a smile to my face.

And remember, not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. I know I wasn't, but I was good with the logistics side of caregiving.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Cheri I just want to reach through the screen and hug you and laugh and laugh and cry at the same time.

C'mon, you KNOW she doesn't like her bread toasted for heaven's sake - !!!

Her merry-go-round about the wouldn't it be luvverly if only you had a toaster...

Now that is just vocal chaff. It is indeed a stream of demented consciousness. It's literally words without thought, or with only white noise thought, pouring out of her. My mother "never liked daffodils, very loud, daffodils." ??? She asked me to put on DVDs for her - Bugsy Malone you'd have thought I'd given her hard core porn to watch; West Side Story - that SHE took ME to see in the theatre - she wailed her head off ten minutes in and said "I don't like it! Turn it off!"

Oh God and talking to the cat! - YOUR cat, yet! (though trust me. The cat is on your side. Ish).

I don't know what you do to make this better, I just want you to know that my heart rate is through the roof even thinking about it and I am so with you in spirit right there in the room.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Cats are on their own side. They don't have much loyalty to anyone other than themselves. I'm not putting them down. I like cats, but they are what they are. They can be sweet and loving, but basically they are looking out for number 1.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your mom. It sounds terribly frustrating. All I can suggest is that you try to ignore it, which you are able to do 90% of the time. For the other 10%, forgive yourself and come here to vent.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

You feel free to rant all you want. We all go through it (carer and one being cared for, alike)

If you had done half toasted and half untoasted, there would still have been something not right.

Keep you chin up. Love gets you through, even though sometimes you may not like them. Hugs
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Thank you all for your lovely and supportive answers. They helped so much! Love to all
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Same thing here, I listen but mentally always analyzing where she is coming from before I respond to her, sometimes i just agree and say yes it would be better, want to try it? Other times I just ignore her rambling but am still listening to her.
There are days she helps me put away groceries and I cant find where she put things till I find them a week later. Or you open up the bakeware cabinet and find drinking glasses and tupperware. I just put them away where they belong quietly. There are also days I could spit bullets I am so mad, but I have to remind myself, its not Mom doing this,...its the disease. Take a break from Mom when you feel this happening more and more, stress level is going up. I hope you have someone to take her for lunch or shopping while you give yourself a break. 3 hrs a week really helps. Hugs.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Way back in my childcare days I discovered lovely soft foam earplugs. They don't totally block everything, they just turn down the volume so it is easier to ignore the unimportant "noise".
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

That sounds like a delicious breakfast! I’d love to have it! To me, the worst part of your Mom problem is the ‘talking’. Incessant jabbering drives me crazy.

Is Mom trying to rattle you? For attention? Anyway, the only person you can change is you...and blah blah blah....

My Mom’s Dementia has caused her to become much more quiet. So I’ve got my quiet mom now.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

You had so many good answers, but here is one more... write all of these down! When mom has passed, you will get quite a giggle from them and bring a smile to your face. Honestly, you could probably do a stand-up routine when you are finished. Now they are annoying, but later you will appreciate the humor. Hugs to you.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I agree with Judysai422--I have to admit I laughed out loud when I read about the toast and toaster episode. It almost made me wonder whether cherilinehan's mother was doing this purposely. If things always go this way in her home, maybe she could get rich by writing a book about all these interactions. (I wonder if a video camera could be used to record some of them.) However, I'm sympathetic and I realize situations like this are very frustrating when they happen. In any case, this is something I can share with my mother who, although she has short-term memory issues, would probably still get a chuckle out of this.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My mom also did the constant chatter. Sometimes it could be changed by using quick validation and repair... Such as at the start of your mom's bread chatter saying, "oh, sorry mom, I forgot to toast it, let me do that real quick" Sometimes that worked, other times she just moved on to another complaint. Worth a try. I also was known to put on headphones and listen to music or an audible book... Low enough I could still listen for mom.

I totally understand how it wears on you. Even now in stage 7, my mom basically chatters all day (and sometimes all night). It doesn't make any sense... But still it is a constant. I have really learned to just block it out. I will say that when I do get a break to go out for a bit, I don't even want the radio on... Just love the silence ;-)
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Cherelinehan,
Hugs to you! I hope you don't let the 10% of the time you are only human make you feel guilty because 10% is angelic. I think I'm at 20. However, as Freqflyer so eloquently said: "We need to remember our parent's brain is broken." That is going to be my mantra going forward when I have days like the one you described. Happy Valentine's Day!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Cher - you need to remember that YOU ARE HUMAN & not beat yourself up for not being 'perfect' because nobody is - we all have lost our cool with the stress over our loved ones - welcome to the club & start being kinder to yourself -

Close your eyes & think what you would say to your best friend in same circumstances - I bet you would have kinder words for her than you have for yourself - ease up on you & give yourself some slack because you are at the beginning of 'the long good-bye' - need to conserve your strength both physic & mental
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I have the same struggle except my mother is now in Assisted Living. One thing I recognize in your post is that you are trying to accommodate her dementia "requests" (my mother also does the passive aggressive requests couched as comments). I am learning to deflect and delay. Learning, mind you, because I can't always do it. You could say, "toast IS nice mom. Next time I will toast." If you know she won't really want it, forget it. She has. My mother keeps telling me she needs new clothes. Once that was true, but now she has lots. I now say, let's look at some of your tops and you tell me what else you'd like. Or I give her a catalog and we "shop". I don't follow through though. I've learned she won't remember she wanted anything. It's just something to do in the moment. You, like me, probably have years of trying to please your mother. Right now it's a different scenario.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Cheri,
This is what I've learned over the years.

Alzheimer's Rule #1;
EVERYONE else is wrong. (example-"I didn't misplace my glasses, YOU put them somewhere."
"WHY did you put mayonnaise on this sandwich? I don't like mayo." [But she has eaten it on every sandwich for the last 75 years!]

Things that once were-are no more. It can be exhausting and frustrating to keep up with these new changes.
Best Advise- Just go along with it. Refer to Rule #2.

Alzheimer's Rule #2;
DO NOT argue. It will not work.
Most of us have to learn this the hard way (by arguing and getting nowhere). They have their thoughts cemented in their brains and you're not going to un-cement them. Learn this quickly.
Best Advice; Let it go. Whatever it is, it really ISN'T that
important.

Alzheimer's Rule #3;
Use DISTRACTION whenever you can. Especially if they're in a dangerous situation.
Say, "Mom, can you help me fold the clothes?", as she's walking out the door to "go home".
Or, "Mom, I want to pamper you by making you a special lunch. Can you set the table?", as you turn off 2 burners on the stove and carefully take your biggest carving knife out of her hand.
Best Advice; Try to be genuine, looking her in the eye, smiling with patience, using "therapeutic fibs", while maneuvering her to a safer situation. Never say she "can't" do a chore any longer. You will then need to go back to Rule #1 and 2!

There are more rules but they come as the condition progresses.
Hang in there, it's a wild ride.

Now to focus on us.
Caregivers Rule #1;
Don't beat yourself up about getting frustrated, angry, resentful. It's normal to feel these things. We all do. Have healthy outlets (exercise, trips out, etc.) and do them at least once a week. If the emotions start to get out of control, maybe a change in living situation should be considered. Keep this option open.

Caregiver Rule #2;
Come back here to cry, scream, vent or share your feelings. 😱 😡 😢
This is the only way I've made it through this far (Mom has end stage 6 Alzheimer's).

This battle will need fierce warriors. We must stay strong, united and healthy.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I moved in with my mom 8 months ago, I am a MA&CNA who knew, I took care of my dad, my mother told she that I needed to care for him, she didn't have time, he passed from cancer, my mother always said "look out for number one" she is 92 in a "relationship" for 20 yr. I'm 66 he's younger, I wish it was the toast I was dealing with! 2 a.m. she wants to talk, I'm asking are you ok? she tells me I'm sleeping with her boyfriend, my jaw dropped! then yells, nobody put a gun to my head to open my legs, get out of my house! got her back to bed, she gets up about 5:30 says how sorry she is! It hurts! I too can spit bullets! It's a disease! This too shall pass! You gotta laugh! Hugs!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

sueC1957,your answer is so true,im at the stage with mum that she has dementia and terminal lung and bone cancer and i have her living with me because i want to look after her as long as possible.i have gone through all of the nasty remarks from her and yes the best thing to do is agree with her or walk away,it makes it easier on you.everthing is changing for me now as she sleeps 22hrs a day hasnt eaten for 14 days and cries when i move her for the toilet, she has a dnr so dr says dont worry about her not eating as she is terminal and not in pain.it is so so hard seeing her like this ,but its a comfort to be able to talk.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Oh boy. My fuming days are less frequent, but my stress level and anger are always right at the surface.

Back in December, my mom was living alone at the time and started falling for no apparent reason. Got her admitted to the hospital and rehab with the hopes of finally getting her into a nursing home full time.

Since Medicare would not pay for her stay beyond 17 days, Medicaid denied benefits for long term care because she had not been in the nursing home at least 30 days. It didn’t matter that she was in no shape to go home. She was weak, frail, and couldn’t even get out of bed by herself to go to the bathroom.

Soooo, I had to bring her home with me. If it wasn’t for my very supportive and understanding husband, I would be punching the walls.

Mom never wants to participate in her own health. If I let her, she would sit in the recliner all day every day except to eat and go to the bathroom. She b*tches and moans every single time I need to give her a bath or wash her hair or have her do her walking and standing exercises her home physical therapist has planned for her to do. The therapist comes to the home twice a week. Mom always says she doesn’t think she can do exercises today. But she can and does do it when she is pushed to do it.

She got sick a few weeks ago and had a bad diarrhea accident at night. Ever since then, she has to wear diapers at night because she is suddenly incontinent. She wakes up in the morning and puts her wet diapers on the bed, on the floor or even on her walker. We had a long conversation yesterday about where to put wet diapers, her wet nightgowns and her dirty clothes. I would tell her something and then ask her to repeat it and she can’t remember. She doesn’t understand more than one instruction at a time. Most of the time, she did doesn’t remember what I told her to do 30 seconds ago.

It is extremely frustrating, but I stay angry with my mother not so much of her mental state, but her physical issues. Too long of an explanation to discuss here, but a battle I deal with daily.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

you're so lucky that's all you argue about....wait till she starts punching and hitting you, cursing you all day long, & don't want to take her meds, doesn't know when she has to go to bathroom.....has false alarms and screams and yells all day about anything and nothing.  Oh, and since Jan 26, she's had bad cold/cough and I've been up all night about every hour giving her a drink, cough drop & nebulizer.....I go back to bed...."CAN I HAVE A DRINK AND A COUGH DROP!!!"  and on and on.....so I've been getting no sleep.  Mind you, I have to do a diaper change between 1 and 2 am.....finally, I think her cold/cough getting better.  She's just back to complaining about the pain in her back....& saying, ", *** rub my back!, *** get away from me....etc!"
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You have to be a saint of a person to let 90 % of her needling pass you. Kudos! I think you deserve a medal.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Oh my, Cheri, I have to tell you, this one made me laugh out loud. But I can completely understand how frustrating it must've been for you! Not only in the moment, but on top of that, the tragedy of it. That your once sharp mom is thinking and behaving this way. If she's anything like my mom was, if she'd been there as an observer alongside of you, you and she would've had a good laugh about it. But alas, she wasn't, and that's when the loneliness, sadness, & frustration sets in. I suspect that's part of your reaction. I've been in similar situations and in retrospect that's how I've made sense of it. My sweet mom one day told me she was exhausted from having been up all night driving a hot dog truck. Pre dementia, she'd been a very elegant, quick witted, artsy gal. I couldn't have imagined anyone less likely to drive a hotdog truck, whatever that is!!! She and I would've had a good giggle about that. Oh, many hugs to you, Cherie.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

CaregiverL,
Oh how I can relate. Had to move my (then 94 yo) mom out of memory care-too expensive. Took her home with us-bad move. She was used to the routine and people at the MC.
Long story short, she screamed at the top of her lungs at 2 am, spit her pills across the table (kinda' funny-they hit the wine bottle and made a pinging noise), spit her "teeth pickings" on the table, hit and grabbed me with her nails, took off her diaper at night and urinated on the floor next to the bed, told me about her headaches (chronic complaint with no reason) 42 times a day, said someone put "itching powder" in her clothes 31 times a day (yes, I counted) but when she became incontinent of stool, that was it. We had to put her into another facility.

She seems much happier there than with us. Shamefully to say, we are much happier that she's there too.

She's now 95 and, from the looks of it, she'll hit 100!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You may want to share your life and energy with another healthy partner. Do you have one?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

SueC1957: Ugh! Really gross!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter