Talking to my brother makes me very angry....but how do I maintain some semblance of family ties?

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Talking to my brother makes me very angry....but how do I maintain some semblance of family ties?

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I've posted my story many times but recapping anyways:I got mom from India when she became very forgetful...noone was there to supervise her care and it was a nightmare to manage her aides from here etc. My brother (MB) lives overseas in another country. He said he might move back to India in 2 years and care for mom. All this was in 2018. He did not move back.

Now DB says since mom is ok with me here in America, let her be. I've told him many times I need a mental break, how her insurance is so expensive ( Mom won't get medicare/medicaid yet). But it's "all water off the duck's back" with DB. After a lot of pleading, he finally sent some money towards her insurance.

He called today to wish mom for her birthday (his previous call was 6 months ago) and I just could not control my anger at him. My heart started racing, head hurt because I cannot keep the conversation "light & frivolous." I want him to tell me if he's going to take in mom. But he will not. So I said a quick hello & handed the phone to mom and went off on a Target run.

The thing is, his son has moved here for graduate studies but the nephew has not called us nor did DB inform me of his flight details. (We knew he got admission here but was stuck back in his country due to covid). I thought DB might have at least told me he was arriving this month,

I'm stuck on seeing things in b&w...DB has to take in mom...I won't have it any other way because I want him & SIL to see how much help she needs and how much it's costing us. The amount he sent is basically peanuts

With all this going on in my mind, how should I handle the next phone call even if it's 6 months away? Even if nephew does call, I worry I might take out my general anger on him. Is there a way to be friendly with DB despite the BIG ELEPHANT in the room?

Anger Family Caregiver Relationships

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Maryjann: "OP's mom doesn't qualify for medicare/medicaid as she is a recent immigrant."

Right. And this forum warned her not to bring her mother here from India. I'm pretty sure she was aware of this before she did it.

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Wearynow, your brother has NO intention and NO interest in taking Mom physically or providing for her financially. If you forcefully send her with him, she will NOT be well cared for. You must put your Mom on Medicare and/or Medicade (she can use one or both) as you do not have the funds to continue providing for her insurance and everything else. Not doing doing so will rob you, quickly. Then where will you be? Worse off. Your Mom will still have good health care. If she is on Medicade, you can request aides to provide her help AND give YOU a small, needed break. If she prefers someone from India so they can communicate, you can request that, though there will be no guarantee, still try. You need to start doing things to take care of you, now, despite what your Mom wants because it's in best interest for BOTH of you. Let's be honest, you KNOW what you have to do, you just need to do it and not look back. Taking out your frustrations on your nephew will be of no use and you will feel guilty, after. Keep him out of it. You can still share with him your struggles, invite him to come over and visit with Grandma, just don't show your anger with him; after all, fruit doesn't fall far from the tree that raised it. I sincerely wish you peace, strength, good decisions and I wish you well.

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If I recall correctly OP's mom doesn't qualify for medicare/medicaid as she is a recent immigrant. They probably had to sign as her sponsors when she came to the country. Sponsorship forms say that the immigrant will not be dependent on federal money for something like five years after immigration but will be supported by sponsor as needed.

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wearynow: Your statement "DB has to take in mom - you won't have it any other way" is going cause you to have anxiety and stress because you are attempting to control another human being, albeit your own brother. You cannot control anyone but yourself. Your nephew's graduate studies no doubt have zero bearing on your caregiving of your mother.

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I went through this with my 3 brothers who only live within 10 miles from their mother.They had left me alone to take care of my mom.She has dementia which has brought on high anxiety. No help, no visits.I blasted then twice with no results.I came to the conclusion either they couldn't cope with her mental change or they just didn't want to help.I found out it took too much energy to be mad at them and you just can't change others ,so for her health and mine I found a great nursing home for her.Now I go and see her about everyday and know the home is doing far better for her than I could without the added resentment for my brothers on my shoulders.

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i have 3 brothers too.
my brothers did the same - ran away. dumped it on me.

by the way, it's not that your 3 brothers "can't cope" with the mental change.
they don't want to.

i forced my 3 brothers to help. they now do some things (because they don't want to look totally horrible).

-----
i wish us well, suzie -- and everyone on this website, and our LOs.
:)

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i wish us all a great xmas!!!! :) :) :)
and lots of xmas spirit!!! :) :) :)

bundle of joy :)

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I hear stories like this over and over and over again. There is no known way to make others in the family step up to the plate - it just isn't going to work. So now you have to think choices - being that this is the case and it is affecting your relationship with him, ask yourself if it is worth remaining in this situation or would you better off to cut ties and move on. If it were me, I'd cut ties and move on as I would not be able to live with someone who was like this. Sometimes that is the best move - go onto a happier life - alone.

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And find help and ways at once to place this person so you can be free and not harm yourself any further. That is really the only option open to you.

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Like others have said, you are not the only one going through this, and I hope it helps you to know that. I live 2 hours away from my mom, and my older brother lives 5 minutes from her. He's the most selfish person I've ever met and flies into a rage any time someone asks him for help. He got mad at my mom for forgetting his birthday, and I explained that she has dementia and is also under and enormous amount of stress. He hasn't talked to her for about 6 months because of this. In those months, she has been diagnosed with lung cancer and has moved into an assisted living facility and we haven't even told him. Sometimes people are just bad, and it's better for your mental health to just drop them from your life.

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I hope it’s helpful to know that you are not the only one going through this. I, too, played the nice understanding card every time I talked to my sister and BIL until it became too much and the cat is now out of the bag. In my case, my sister’s children got tired of their uncaring ways. So now my sister and BIL are making false efforts to be kind and understanding towards me and my dad. Faking it until they make it basically. I feel that it’s in my emotional interest to let them care for dad now that they are willing because I’m so burned out from my years of caring. They will go back to their winter home soon so basically I get a 6-week break. I still visit my dad but I’m not doing all the errands. It has helped but I know that it won’t last and their giving is from a need to save their relationship with their children and not from truly caring about our dad. I try to accept what I cannot change-the serenity prayer in essence. I think we need to take the higher ground with these types of people and if that means acceptance and removal from your life, then maybe that’s the best course. I have found that I can’t force my sister and BIL to care. It breaks my heart, but it is what it is. I have the same plan as you-after my dad passes and the estate is settled, we will all go our separate ways. After all, if they weren’t there for my parents, why would they be there for me?!

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The hard news is that sometimes nothing changes no matter how many times you try to get other family members to help with their own parent. It won't matter how you express your need for more help-whether it be a letter, a phone call, a face to face conversation. It won't matter if you express your needs angrily or in a pleading way. Many of us have learned this the hard way and have finally accepted the fact that we are alone in the caregiving of our loved one.
Figure out what is going to work best for you - what you can live with - what won't bring on guilt. And this doesn't mean it will be easy. What you decide to do for yourself and your mother may be the hardest thing you ever do. Caregiving is a selfless act but I believe we are called to serve others and there are blessings in our efforts to do our best for a loved one.

I moved my mother in with me a year and a half ago during the pandemic. I was told she had given up on life and I didn't want her to die alone in the facility without ever seeing us or her grandchildren again.
I thought I would get more help from my sister but she has made it abundantly clear that she is has a life and not much time for mom. We finally came to an arrangement for mom to go to her house every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. At one point, I told my sister I needed more help. Her response was to put her back in the facility I had taken her out of. I never expected my sister to do as much as I was doing. I just hoped that she would offer what she could - even if it was just to pick mom up earlier on Fridays - or take her to a doctor's appointment every now and then.

The straw that finally broke the camel's back for me was at Thanksgiving. She was going to take mom for a few hours on Thanksgiving Day. I hoped that she might take her for a few more days so I could get away to a family cabin with my family. Her response was that she couldn't because she had a houseful of people to entertain, a party to go to on the weekend and that she was already missing her granddaughter's dance recital because it fell on her weekend.
All of this may have been true but it was the way she came across - as if her life is much more imporant than mine and the social activities that are a part of her life are more important than helping with mom.

So now mom has declined to a point doctors have said it would be too hard on her to travel back and forth between homes. My sister has to come here to see her.

My relationship with my sister is so damaged, I can't imagine interacting with her after mom is gone. All very sad.

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I think there are so many of us in similar situations. My mom is in assisted lliving and I visit pretty regularly. Sometimes she says mean and hurtful things so I will stay away for a bit, then when I do go back she's as sweet as pie.

My one brother and evil SIL have visited mom maybe twice in a year. But, when my mom's brother passed, they were the ones to show the rest of the family how good they are to my mom and brought her to the funeral. As my other brother described it, they are good at the "dog and pony" show. In any event, I don't care to ever talk with my brother and evil SIL ever again. In fact, when mom passes and after the estate is settled, I am the most important person in my family.

I really feel for you. Jut remember to take care of yourself. And, have a wonderful Christmas!

OH, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THE PHONE!

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Your brother is using delaying tactics. He does not want to take care of his mother. It's very common how relatives avoid holding a "hot potato". They all dumped all the responsibilities to the one who is already stuck. You have the right to get some relief, or else you are heading towards a nervous breakdown.
Under these circumstances, you have to act as if you have no brother. Make all decisions about your mother alone. Use your brain, not your heart for making those decisions. You are smart, you will find the right path. Get some assistance from elderly-related social agencies, Accept that you're alone in this endeavor.

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Yes, and give up trying to get through to brother with either kid gloves or complaining; he has left you on your own with mom so you don't owe him anything, even talking on the phone. Live 'as if' you 'had' a brother; you do have a sibling but not a brother in the way of a helping/supportive family member.

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Let me know on that last one. My situation is much the same--just not as bad. My brother acts like helping with our mom is "optional." My sister and I give him specific tasks. (Like power-washing the house). We end up giving up after months of waiting and doing it ourselves. I work 6 days a week, travel 6 hours round trip to my mom's Sundays. I really didn't want to go this Sunday...so much of my job work to do,,,But I went. Because that's what I have to do.
Who shows up? With a stack of Christmas gifts for my mom? You got it. My brother. "Passing through." If he'd bothered to let me know, I could have stayed home. I could barely be civil.

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That's almost laughable, isn't it? As if showing up with stacks of presents balances out the 'caring'. Too many in our culture still seem to think caretaking is the job of the females, the 'nurturers.' For brother to blow off the 'guy jobs' is ridiculous, and he knows he can shirk and you'll take up the slack. For fun, and to make a point, I'd be tempted to send him a bill for the cost of power washing the house! Not that he'd pay, but to show him time and effort has Value. As does your caretaking. If brother can't show up in a real way, tell him he needs to provide some financial support instead (kind of what the stack of Christmas gifts represents.) Let that be his 'contribution' to elder care so you can hire help to save your sanity/health.

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I just scrolled down and read one of your responses after I hit send on my response.

Well of course your brother is easy going, relaxed and comical...the ones who never have to be accountable for anything usually are! If you know your mom will not go to stay with him and/or he will not take her, then you have to make up your mind that this is your lot in life OR you say to your mom that you want your privacy and freedom back and you can't do this anymore and begin the assisted living conversation with mom and brother.

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You need to sit down and calmly write out moms schedule, moms expenses and the changes that your family have had to bare for her to live with you. Present these things to your brother. You can email the list to him and then make a face time call and ask him to pull up the list so that you can discuss things. Remind him that you are not an only child and will not continue to take on all of the responsibility as if you were. Ask him if he has any suggestions to remedy the situation so that it is fair and agreeable to both siblings. If he doesn't have any suggestions, let him know that you do and then present him with your idea of splitting the year half at your house then half the year at his. Let him know that you have already done your half and that he needs to make arrangements for her travel and begin the next six months with him.

Word of warning....if you have read this thread at all I am sure you have noticed that the majority of caregivers are women. That's because the brothers don't want to deal with it and the sisters typically have to shoulder the responsibility.

My brother is a friggin' nurse and he still doesn't do anything and seldom calls mom.

Call your brother with facts and solutions and an air of sternness. Because if you come at him with out of control emotion, he will shut it down and not hear you.

Good Luck!

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Bingo, and SO glad to read this from a man, kudos!

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The elephant in the room has nothing to do with nephew, so leave that out of the situation.

Tell brother and sil you cannot afford mom's care on your own. You might tell them you have a ticket purchased for XX date to send her to them for 6 mos. Each will do 1/2 year. -Just toss it out there to see what is said.
Maybe send them an itemized statement of your expenses to care for mom with a note of how these could be split so that each of you is responsible for 1/2. Be sure to add in to that statement the cost of hiring enough help for yourself.

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Weigh risks and benefits when considering how/whether to express anger. Anger at family members often reflects a wish to control their future behavior. But rage full expressions of that anger rarely results in changed behavior. Talking directly about what you need is more productive.

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Weary, it's not bitterness that will give you strength. It's realizing what he is and what you are willing to accept in your life.

Right now you are so overwhelmed with responsibility that you do feel bitter that he isn't. That's a normal phase of adjustment when you are tied down with caregiving and financing it all by yourself, when it shouldn't be all yours. Mom should have planned better, brother should step up to help, without being forced and mom's country should have better social services to help. But you are apparently it and that is a heavy burden to bare alone. I know your husband is great and his parents are helpful but, I know that can add another layer of "guilt" because you don't want them burdened with the responsibility. You are blessed to have them though.

Maybe sending your brother a letter that shares some of your burden, it's okay to tell him you are angry at him and why, it doesn't have to be social veneer BS. Tell him that you want him to help financially with moms expenses and how much you feel he should contribute. That's perfectly okay to do. Remember though, he may say no and that is his choice, you know him and maybe even his financial situation but, he might not be willing and you have to be able to accept his answers, whatever they are.

I was never able to have a civil conversation with my brother unless I ignored his crap, overlooked and disregarded all the garbage he spewed. One day I realized that I was the only one trying to have a relationship and that is when I was able to accept him for who and what he is. It's not pretty and until he decides that he doesn't have the right to be ugly and always, always selfish and self-centered, using others as a scratching post and realize that verbally attacking our dad with threats of physical harm wasn't okay, then I have no use for him and I don't want the contact with someone like him. Believe me, I wish it was different but, it's not and I can't let him steal my peace of mind. I, also, can not let him make me bitter.

I don't know your brother but, I think that laying it out in a letter that he can read and think about before you guys speak could clear the air. Just having a sibling that supports you emotionally is probably amazing and I imagine would heal a lot of the resentment. You have shared memories that nobody else has with you and I know from my experience that being able to vent to someone that knows and loves me, warts and all would make dealing with my parents, now just my mom, so much easier. However, I will never have that and you might could. So I really encourage you to put it in writing and start finding out where he really lives and what type of man he is.

Oh, I wouldn't send it to his wife or son. It's his responsibility and doing so could be a provocation to all of them. He needs to deal with them about his decisions.

I really hope that you can find some time for you. You matter too!

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Thank you so much, everyone...it bothers me that mom & DB are so much alike with a whacky sense of humor, laid-back personality and yet mom cannot be with him.

Now that you all mention it, nephew was never in touch with us anyway and used to think in his teen years, that relatives are too nosy. So I guess I will let this one slide too....

I have no expectations of DB but I just cannot carry on an easy-breezy phone conversation with him.

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Is the issue simply money? You sound very annoyed but more about your brother not sending you sufficient money than about his absence and thoughtlessness. Some me are simply thoughtless about others, some simply cannot think beyond their little world (and some are wonderful I do not criticise the majority at all, only the sub set - and I accept women are the same). Maybe you should phone him - why do you wait for him to call you/mother, and discuss the finances with him and tell him what you need and what you can supply. You made the choice to move mother from India, I imagine brother thinks this is your choice and you have to live with it, but I see no reason for you not to have a discussion on costs and what mother needs as this seems to be the issue.

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Perhaps one option you could consider would be to write a letter that you could send snail mail (emails are easily deleted, messages are useless). Make it about your mother’s health and needs, your own health and needs, and your feelings of hurt that you feel he has abandoned being a son and a brother. If you can suppress it, it need not be about your anger. Write it out, then sit on it for a few days. Reconsider what you have written, change it if you wish, or perhaps even decide not to send it.

If you decide to send it, address a copy to him, a copy to SIL and a copy to your nephew (if you can find an address). Perhaps you can wrap it up in a letter about how Christmas went at your place.

You can set out how much all this is costing you, and your wish to settle mother’s assets in India to provide for her needs now. The chances are that your brother is the major beneficiary. If he has no money now, then an alternative you could suggest is that he pays your costs when he does inherit. If you can get something that sounds like a promise to pay, start sending him a monthly bill for the costs you have incurred.

This is something you can do that doesn’t involve a phone confrontation. It may have no effect at all, but it lets you get things off your chest without destroying the future - especially if you can make it about your hurt rather than anger. At least an option to think about? Yours, Margaret

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Advice from someone who has been there…

You are hurt because your brother is not meeting your expectations of who you wish (and thought) he was.

Just because you are blood-related to your brother, if he is not treating you or your mother well, you have zero more than nostalgic memories. Enjoy those memories… love them for what they are and move on.

Your mother’s needs will grow. He will probably vanish even more over time. This will be maddening if you let it be.

You are getting nothing from him so shift your expectations, expect nothing and you won’t continuously be hurt. He isn’t giving you any false promises or expectations. Don’t expect anything from your nephew— If your nephew wanted a relationship, wouldn’t he contact you himself?

Stop “giving” anything to your brother and his son. By doing otherwise, you will only hurt yourself.

Look to your kind friends and other family members. You are probably surrounded by love and support. Realize that this is the next chapter of “family.”

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I hate to tell difficult truths, but they must be told.

Nobody can make another person do anything unless their is a law about it. In the case of providing support for a dependent parent, there isn't one.

Instead of beating yourself up about your brother's lack of support, start using your energy to find other solutions. Help your mom get Medicare/Medicaid applied for. Talk to other family members, friends, members of your faith community, local/federal government sources... for all the help you can. The goal is find ways to provide care for your parent without impoverishing yourselves or allowing stress to make you sick.

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You and your brother are obviously on different pages. In different books. You will be much happier if you come to terms with that. You can't change him. You can just accept how things are and work on changing things that you DO have control over. He is within his rights to not do anything for your mom and call her twice a year. He's a jerk, but he can make that choice.

He is not going to be part of your solution so you need to forget about him. I'd not bother talking to him much at all. Don't be mad, just be unavailable and don't engage in any arguing with. A waste of your precious energy.

I would also stop being upset about him not telling you about your nephew. What's done is done.

Start looking for solutions that do not include him.

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You’re not alone. I’ve been taking care of my 94 year old mother with dementia forever. Brother does nothing. Doesn’t call either.Oh yeah..9 months ago for Mom’s bday. She has dementia & he gets annoyed with having to answer same questions over & over. Unless I call or tell him to visit..& I don’t want anyone here more than an hour. I’m not entertaining. You’d think common sense..that when mother’s private pay aide was here…to take me out to lunch…never happened. I don’t expect anything so I’m not disappointed. Hugs 🤗

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Weary, I woukdn't assume that your brother's lack of communication about your nephew's whereabouts has ANYTHING to do with the situation with mom.

Your nephew is an adult if he's in grad school and it's HIS responsibility to share that info with you, not your bother's.

I hear your frustration about mom's care. You can't change HIS behavior, only your own.

It sounds line this financially unsustainable for you. Sadly, returning her to India and visiting, say, twice a year may be the only solution

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Weary,

I have no solution for you, but I want you to know I hear you. It is hard.

I am like your brother. In my family, all are Canadian, so all are eligible for government benefits. Dad lives with my brother. I will never provide hands on care for my Dad.

Why not? Dad has been abusive to me my entire life, because he decided when I was a toddler that I was defective.

In your case, you did what you thought was best for Mum, providing care in your home in the US, instead of leaving her in India with no oversight. Sadly it is not your brother's job to pick up the slack, just as it was not your job to move her in the first place.

I know you feel you had no other options at the time.

I hear your anger.

Is there anyway you and your brother can have a conversation, perhaps with a mediator, to talk about how to move forward with Mum's care? Not you telling him what he has to do, but explaining in detail what Mum needs and asking for him to help. Keep in mind he is not obligated to help.

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Tothill, I am so sorry your dad chose to view you so negatively, what a thing to deal with....Thank you for giving me your thoughts....maybe some day DB and I will meet in Switzerland (neutral country..heheh) when the bitterness fades....

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I know its hard and Mom is not able to get any help here. But, you have to forget brother. You have mentioned that Moms money is tied up in India. Also she has a house that could be sold. Maybe you could find someone in India to help you get her money freed up and house sold.

I think u know this, Mom will be able to eventually get Medicaid but she will never get Medicare. You have to work in the US to get Medicare.

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Thanks, JoAnn...I've accepted that DB will never help..it just jolted me that DB wouldn't send me a one-line text that nephew is landing here...Im trying to figure out how to have quick, civil conversation with DB & SIL without feeling bitter that they don't care about mom

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Your brother has clearly shown you he’s not taking mom, time to believe him and let it go. Is there a reason you have to wait for a call from him, can’t you call him? Have an honest conversation, no anger, saying you can’t and won’t continue as things are. See if he’s interested in working with you on a new plan. If he’s not your next steps will be finding a new plan on your own. Your anger is really frustration at being left with all the responsibilities. It’s ultimately on you to change it

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Daughterof1930, I did call a few times last year - he says to let things continue the way they are now and we will revisit mom's care "in a few years." This really irritates me. I'm trying to figure out if at all DB calls again, how to stop hyperventilating and have a non-judgemental, civil conversation with him. I wish I could jump into the phone and smack him & SIL.

Thank you for replying.

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Your brother has made choices for his own life not to do care for his mother. His choice would be mine. I could not do in home care. You have chosen to do it. He will not be changing just because you may wish he is, and to be frank your mother should be paying her own insurance and care costs, spending down so she can receive assistance if needed in future. There is no way family should be paying out of funds they need to save for their OWN elder years.
Give up expecting things from your family. Not everyone even HAS any extended family. Concentrate on your own choices and what you can/should do for your own future going forward.
It would be dreadful, really, to take out your anger on someone on anyone else. That would be a cruel thing, and doing it would show you/should show you just how far you are surpassing your own limitations.
I am so sorry for how overwhelmed and unhappy you are, but I don't feel you should try to judge your brother's choices, nor expect him to act as you wish he would act.

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Thank you,Alva. I do hope I will not really take out my anger on others and will look for strategies not to do this. Yes, he has made his choice but honestly, I thought he'd drop me a line about nephew's arrival. It seems DB is taking this feud over mom to a new, stupid level.

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Weary, he is never going to take your mom. He has made that clear by words and action.

I don't know that I would even talk to him. My brother threatened our dad and my dad was scared. So the last time I talked to my brother was when he was telling me what he did and said, who threatens a feeble old man. I haven't even tried contacting him about our dads death, one year ago this month. He has made his stance perfectly clear and I can not be civil to someone that would do what he did.

You have to make the decision if he is worth it. Does he enrich your life in any way or is he just a thorn in your side?

I don't think taking it out on his son would make you feel better. He has no more control over your brother then you do.

I know her expenses are killing you guys, can you sell her property in India and use the proceeds for her care? This would be better then seeing your brother get half.

Great big warm hug!

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hugs!!!

terrible brother.

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Talking to my brother makes me very angry....but how do I maintain some semblance of family ties?

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