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Mom (94y/o) has been in the assisted living wing for about 2.5 years, it's a fantastic Christian based ALF with a caring staff that is amazing! Mom hates it! She has progressively declined, in particular in the last two months, both physically and mentally. I am her daughter (64 y/o), the only living family left, single and looking for work and financially unstable. She had lived with me 4 yrs. prior to moving into the ALF. It was hell! I am certain she has NPD. My brother (has passed) was the "Golden Child" leaving me to be the scapegoat. I've had counseling that was not productive. She has lied to me, can't trust her, pulled the rug out from under me when I have let my guard down and tried to trust her, threatened to call the police and tell them I was abusing her, etc. Today's discussion with the doctor and staff was she needs to be moved to the memory wing, lesser for memory care (although there is early dementia), but she is having difficulty with daily personal care, dressing, standing, etc. I help her with showers. She's refusing to go to meals, 100% incontinent so there are soiled clothes everywhere. She's experiencing chronic UTIs and severe dehydration. (these issues have contributed to some of the confusion/memory and inability issues, but it's more than that) She feels she's fine, everything is someone else's fault, certain she could actually live in her own home. She is constantly asking me to let her come live with me again. For my own sanity I can't and won't allow her to come back, it breaks my heart as a Christian, that I can't open my home to her, but boundaries to a narcissist are just a power struggle that winning is at any cost. The staff has said they would "take care" of moving her to memory care, I should stay away for about a week and let them handle it. I know they do this all the time, and sometimes taking the "family" element out of the situation helps. She says there are just crazy people in memory care and she's scared to death of that wing. When in fact, it's also for those that need more daily care like her. Somehow me staying away and letting the staff handle it is making me feel like they are "tricking" her into the move and here is this physically fragile 94 y/o that people are forcing her in to going somewhere that she refuses to go and I am abandoning her, when in fact I feel it would be in her best interest. I have many conflicting emotions, some I'm sure for the brutal "narcissistic training" my whole life. Past experience of talking or reasoning with my mother is useless, there are no discussions with a narcissist. I am just expecting holy hell to happen, both during and after. I can't explain my feelings for her as many years of mental and verbal abuse, my Christian beliefs, guilt, obligation...."muddy the waters," but nonetheless she is my mother. Any advice or situations that have worked best without WWII happening, would be appreciated.

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When she says she can live on her own and then begs to be moved to your house really says a lot about her lack of boundaries.

Honor thy father and mother is about respecting them, NOT laying down and being their doormat. God does not expect His children to stand around and be abused because they believe on Him.

I am a Christian with boundaries, they are in the bible, maybe not called boundaries but they are, ie separate yourself from unbelievers, if you go into a city and they won't listen, leave and shake the dust of that place off your shoes, I could go on and on. God gives us these as examples of what behaviors to accept, boundaries. My point is that you matter, not just your mom. She is safe, well cared for and has never been happy unless she is tearing someone to bits.

Let the doctors direct her level of care, you stay out of it. I would also recommend staying away longer than a week and not visit as often or stay long. She needs to learn to live in her new reality. Scripture talks about when we are old others will lead us where we don't want to go. This is a perfect example of that.

It will be hard but you can implement and enforce boundaries with her. Be consistent and take care of you. Write them down and write down the consequences of her crossing them ie I am not going to let her speak ugly, nasty words to me, when she does the 1st time I will say, mom I am not okay with you being ugly and nasty with me, please stop or I will leave, next nasty word I will get up and leave. It will take time, you have 64 years of habits to get through, but it is very doable.

If she needs MC, she needs MC you didn't do this to her and you can't fix it. Step back and let her needs be met in the best possible setting. You can do this, your life matters as well.

Best of wishes getting through this, may God grant you strength and wisdom as you need it.
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Amen to what is written by "Isthisreal"!!
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You have every confidence in this facility based on two and a half years' experience of their excellent care, yes?

Your mother is very unhappy. That is extremely sad for her. But whether living with you, living in the excellent ALF, facing this move to memory care - and it sounds as if it would be better described as stepped-up care - she has been very unhappy throughout; and sadly that will continue.

The point is that *nothing* you can do will change the person your mother is. Accept that, and then accept the professional advice you know you can trust.

I am genuinely sorry for your mother's demons. They are horrible for you but they're at least as horrible for her: imagine having them in your head! If you could change her habits and beliefs of course you would, but you have to accept that this is beyond human power and still have compassion for her misery.

You feel the urge to participate in the move and to stand by her. The question you must ask yourself is whether this will help *her*. How will it help her to have someone to scream at and plead with, from whom she is guaranteed to get an emotional reaction? It won't change the reality, that she now needs enhanced care, it will just make the transition that much more traumatic. Don't get in the way any more than you would insist on holding her hand during surgery.
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Isthisrealyreal: "Honor thy father and mother is about respecting them, NOT laying down and being their doormat. God does not expect His children to stand around and be abused because they believe in Him."

This. THIS. And an add-on I've read here is that as long as the parent is safe, fed, and clean, that that is taking care of them (even if it's by someone else and somewhere else). Way too many people take the "Honor thy father and mother" as meaning taking them into your home, being their doormat, impoverishing oneself, etc.

I read an Advent reflections publication last year, and boy did it lay it on on the essay on honoring one's father and mother. There was NOTHING about establishing boundaries. The message was clear. Be a doormat. I'm guessing the author had NO idea what it meant to take care of elders.
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Isthisrealyreal Feb 2019
Or boundaries and how they are required.

Did it mention the parents part such as saving up for their future and their children or that a father shouldn't provoke his children to anger? Just curious because I see a lot of pick and choose and out of context to control people and that sounds like a good example. No offense intended but this person and I obviously believe differently.
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Seems to me that you have done everything possible for her. This is how miserable it feels to let go when the time is right.
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Goodness, it is incredibilbly sad to keep hearing the same story over and over again. I’m a survivor of Huntington’s. I grew up going to care facilities. I work in a facility for mentally ill folks now. My mom and sis have Huntington’s. I run from one end of town to the other doing all I can do. Mental illness is hard to deal. It’s got be done with love. Keep the care facilities on their toes, but appreciate them for what they do. It ain’t easy.
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shb1964 Feb 2019
These stories are breaking my heart. Huntington's is beyond cruel - as is Alz, dementia in all its forms, etc. You are a survivor. You are inspirational. Best of luck to you.
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This is a very difficult situation, but you are neither alone, nor are you the only person going through this sort of thing at any given time.
My advice is to trust the facility. They have done a good job with your mother so far. I agree with them, let them take care of the move. That is their job. They do this all the time. They do not bear any of the emotional burdens. This is what they are getting paid to do. Take their advice, and step aside for the period of time they suggest, to allow your mother to be moved to the appropriate level of care. That would be the best thing you can do for her, and them for that matter. Let them do their job freely.
It is hard, I know. But you will learn much in the stepping aside, and so too your mom.
Please know, that just because you are her daughter, and just because you are Christian, does not mean that your home is the best placement. The best care you can provide just may be the facility she is in right now. It is what God has provided, and it is working. Praise Him for His Goodness, and trust.
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Since you are understandably unable to bring your mom back home, I would let the professionals make the decisions and follow their advice. Not easy, but will be better for everyone in the long run, I think.

When you do go back after the big move, I would not try to explain or rationalize the move. Keep the answer simple - the doctor said it's best for you. You needed too much care to stay in your old room, etc. I understand you don't like it here, but how can we make it better?

Good luck!
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I agree with the staff. She needs more care than assisted living can provide. It is easier for them to get her settled in without family presence as they tend to make the transition to her new routine more quickly without interruption.
She most likely doesn’t want to make this move because it is difficult for them to lose whatever control she has over her life decisions. I saw that with my parents even though I was able to take care of them in my home. It is traumatic for them to lose their independence.
It sounds like the staff at her facility knows what they are doing. Trust them and be there for her afterwards. Its good to know that she will be receiving more help with her new needs.
I too had gone through hateful abuse with mom. She resented that I was helping her. Most days I would be in tears. I prayed and cried a lot. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore I stopped taking the verbal and physical attacks less personal and forced myself to stay as positive as I could muster and just love her through whatever time she had left on this Earth. I didn’t want to have any regrets in the end. She passed away last 4 mos ago and I can honestly say I don’t know how I survived it but I have no regrets and am so very glad I was able to actually enjoy the last few months with her instead of letting her attitude effect me so severely.
Hugs. I know this isn’t easy for any of you. Just do the best you can. That’s all we can do after all.💕
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Such great advice here. My mother is 93 yrs old and this could be me writing in the near future. My mother is extremely narcissistic and has been her whole life. I begged my parents to make sure they made plans for their old age so that the responsibility wouldn’t fall on any of us. Well, it turns out I am the only sibling left and my dad is passed too. So ALL decisions are left up to me now and I hate being put in this position. But, now I am my mother’s caretaker for 7 yrs now. We are getting close to her not being independent anymore, but when the time comes for a Care facility, I will not hesitate. I cannot care for her if she needs more help than I can give her now. I’ve done well for her and even if she doesn’t appreciate me, I can’t control how she feels.

From what I read, there are many in our shoes. And not too many parents are grateful to their children who have to make these decisions! And many that are in our shoes, say to make sure we don’t give up our life to care for them. Your mom needs the professionals now. They seem like great people. Put your faith in them and do what you need to do for yourself finally. We’re not getting any younger and we have a life to live too. Love and light to you.
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Give the staff strict Orders in Handling Mom with Tender Loving Care and You Stay Clear, dear, In Allowing them to Handle her to Where is Best for Her.
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When my wife went into memory care, the staff at the facility basically told me the same thing-bring her and leave her, we will take care of her. stay away for about a week. I took a deep breath and trusted what they said. When I came back in a week, she was a life long resident.

She was definitely housed with a "different" cast of characters, but after time, I got used to the assembly and from time to time would interact with the other residents as best I could. I did notice that some residents received regular and loving visits ,and others had been warehoused.

I had been taking care of my wife at home and was basically ambushed by my kids one Sunday who told me I was no longer capable of taking care of her on my own and she needed a professional environment. They had already scouted out a couple of places.

Let them do it. It will work out
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shb1964 Feb 2019
It's nice that your children loved you and her enough to realize the toll it was taking on you. You raised good kids.
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I think maybe it would be helpful for you to go with your mom to view her new area before her move there and let her know this is what the Dr's think she needs and for her to give it a try and if she doesn't like it and the Dr's feel she's getting better, she can always move back.

In your circumstance. it might be better for you, to just tell your mom that you'll be there to visit in her new place after she gets moved in.

But, you could ask your mom if she would rather you come to make the move with her or wait til she's moved in to visit, and see what she says.

I have a 94 yr old Dad and anything new can be scary.

Eeveryone likes FAMILIAR.

Prayers
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anonymous763470 Feb 2019
I disagree. Do not go and show her the space. Let the facility handle it.
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I haven't read the responses yet, on purpose because I know how hot parts of this topic can get and because I see it was a few days ago so my ideas may be mute. I can only imagine how difficult this time is for you, as our parents age so many things get all tangled up together, especially when there was family drama/unfairness/mistreatment over a lifetime and going through it now without your sibling (even if it's just to have them suffer with you) I'm sorry. Yes the facility has experience with this and I have often heard that the professionals will suggest no contact from family during adjustment time in such moves but I can so relate to your hesitation. Maybe a hybrid would help you here (your feelings and needs are most important here) as well as your moms transition. If you could coordinate either staff or another friend, family member distracting mom for a couple hours or more either taking her out (maybe to lunch) if she does that or to some activity on the grounds while you move her things from her current room/apartment into the new one, setting things up to be as much the same as they are now or similar to her room in your house (pictures on the walls and tables, sheets and cover on the bed, trinkets or other significant important things to her). You could set things up to make the room as inviting and familiar as possible, something only you can do really because you know her best, maybe there are things that would make her feel more "at home" she doesn't have now even, IDK maybe she loves birds and you could put a feeder on her window or she would enjoy an electronic photo frame that switches through a bunch of new and old family photos (grandchildren perhaps?) or again birds or some personal books or photo albums she might enjoy seeing again. Perhaps a scent that is either a favorite or just familiar you could fill the room with or one that is calming (studies have proven this to work both for anxious elders and hospital patients). Then either visit with her briefly in the common areas, maybe pick up the person spending the afternoon with her or just don't have contact at all, she never has to know you were there and let the staff simply take her back to her new room and do what they do to make these moves work. I know it sounds a little mean to trick her but it's not like she doesn't know the plan is she's moving and maybe if the new digs are familiar and interesting enough it will distract her from making a big deal about the move or heaven forbid prefer this space, maybe not and that's fine but it wouldn't be different if she knew as she was leaving her old space that day and moving to a new one, there would just be more time for objections and anxiety, stress for her. You don't have to be associated with the move that way unless of course the set up room is appreciated and works and then you can take some credit for that but the fact is you don't have any more control over whether or not it happens than she does. It's not a choice for either of you if she is going to stay at this facility and living anywhere other than a facility isn't a choice so she's left with the option of some other facility and by the sounds of it this is a very nice one which isn't always easy to come by. Most importantly you will have put all the care and love you want to give into making this the best experience it can be, it's her choice to make the best of it or not, enjoy the extra special care or miss that hug of love, you have given her. You also haven't offered something that can be rejected, even if she isn't happy or can't admit it, it's isn't about you or what you have done it's about her, she will be living in this loving gift you gave her either way.

Also maybe stop calling it MC around her, maybe personal care or something that doesn't elicit her fear of "crazy people", people only with memory issues. I can understand the fear of moving to MC meaning she is "loosing her mind" maybe just getting more "help" is easier step.
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Man I feel you pain! My mom is 85 and in the last 5 years we have gone from Mom still working in her Beauty Shop she had at the house for 35 years to today she is in memory care and most days she doesn’t know you are there . I lived with Mom and my pop for 3 of these 5 years. Pop was 90 when he passed in 2016. Pop had dementia as well and had sundowners. He got to the point he did not know you looking right at you . Very heart breaking. Fast forward to today we have gone from mom turning into someone that is totally opposite! Last November she had been in the nursing home for about 9 months and hated it !! Always wanting to go home . I would go by and see her 2 times a day to and from work. She started getting out trying to go home , became violent hitting , biting, spitting her meds out and for her and the staff at the Nursing home’s safety she was moved to solutions where they took her off all the meds they had her on. It took almost 2 months for her to be able to return to a secure unit at the nursing home. I was told to stay away for a while until they could calm her down and it was torture for me and still is . I feel so guilty in my heart that I could not touch her knowing she was still alive on this earth. My visits have become once a week for my own sanity. Last week the day that I went to see Mom she was just talking up a storm but you cannot understand most of what she says now, its like her words are backwards but if I can get her to look into my eyes I tell her I love her and she said I love you too ! This is such a horrible disease for all involved but with a lot of prayers we seem to go on . Momma always said God gives the hardest battles to his strongest worriers. Hang in there . I pray you can get some peace in your heart.❤️💔❤️
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I'm fortunate that I haven't been faced with this, as my mother has been very cooperative. However, there are a few things I keep in mind, and I believe they would be helpful to others, too:

1) O.P.E.D.--"Old People Eventually Die". We can be kind to them, do our best to take care of them and make them as comfortable and happy as possible, but eventually nature takes its course and we cannot prevent it or even prolong it very much. We are not guilty because our parents or other loved ones die. This is the natural order of things. We simply have to accept it and know we did what we could (assuming, of course, that we actually did, but that's probably not an issue with anyone on this forum).

2) We cannot "make" people happy if they choose to be unhappy. If dementia creeps it, it is even more difficult to make them happy. We shouldn't sacrifice our lives trying to do the impossible.

3) We don't deserve to be abused by people who willingly (i.e., not demented) choose to abuse us. If dementia arrives, we can make a certain allowance for it, but only up to a point. Then we have to protect our own health, sanity and our relationships with other family members and friends.

4) When we need help, there is no shame in asking for it or changing the circumstances to provide it even if the parent or other elderly person doesn't want to accept it.
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anilyn Feb 2019
Yes! Good answer
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When you are on empty because of lack of self-care, you will be unable to help anyone else.
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You are a good Christian. It is written to honor your Mother and your Father. You are doing this by giving her the best possible place to live and the safest place to live.
The nursing care facilitie has had a lot of experience in how to get patients to co-operate. This is in everyone's best interest to stay away.
As much as it will cause you grief, trust when they say not to come by. Try to take these few days for yourself. Do something kind for yourself. That's not selfish. We are the same age, meaning you have a lot of years left to go. Breaking down your own health won't help anyone involved. Especially your mother.
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Frustrated5, when the time came for me to move my Dad from his independent living apartment over to a studio apartment in the memory care section I had to think quickly how to relay this to him.

Since my Dad was always fugal with money I had to use a "theraputic fib" telling him that the new room would cost less [which it didn't]. His ears perked up and he was ready to pack. His main concern was the chef. Luckily the same chef handed all the wings in the facility, so that made Dad happy as he loved the meals that were provided.
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I agree with the answers above and went through something sort-of similar last fall (moving Mom to memory care, with the facility suggesting I stay away for a week or so to let her adapt).  Building on those answers, I found that staying away not only helped with her adjustment, it helped me to realize that some of the things I assume she is thinking (and which make me feel guilty) she is not necessarily thinking.  You may find the same thing.  For example, I had to go out of town for about a week - had made arrangements for my brother, uncle and daughter to visit some while I was gone and was extremely worried about what they would tell her about where I was.  She never even asked...which is, at some level, a relief.  I think we caregivers feel guilt because we're putting ourselves in their shoes (and, of course, they ask for things we cannot deliver on).  But this one of those super tough situations where we KNOW that our loved ones cannot be on their own, that the care they are getting is better than what we can provide, and that they wouldn't actually be happier if they were to come live with us (and we would be a lot unhappier and stressed beyond reasonable limits).  Hang in there - and know you are not alone.  Good luck!
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Dear Frustrated5,

I won't go into sordid details, but I have a situation much like yours, with a parent in assisted living, who has turned out to be an incredibly destructive force in my life. I am younger, with two teens and a husband at home. I recently found out some incredibly devastating lies that were told to me by my mother, and had to relive some horribly painful grief. I, too, share your faith, and have struggled mightily to balance the honoring part with the sanity part.

A friend gave me an invaluable piece of advice in December, shortly before I had the stomach-turning task of informing my mother that I could not in all good conscience take her with us for Christmas. My friend said this: when you can't be her daughter, be her provider. For me, that meant I had permission to take a step back, make sure she was in a safe place with everything she needed, leave her be, and just take a breath. And I did just that. I encourage you to do the same thing, as clutching her care so tightly to your breast will tear you apart. You have your own life to live--do the best you can to make sure she's taken care of, and enjoy time with her on your terms. Carrying the burden you are willing to bear will tear you apart, make you bitter, and will do nothing good for either of you. Let the staff be the "bad guys" and you be the good guy, being there when you are ready to be.

I hope this helps, and I hope God blesses and heals your tender heart.
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Your mother is, sadly, not going to change. She's of course angry that she's aged and has health issues and who can blame her, really? However, there is no way she should or could live with you. Perhaps she needs Nursing Home care?
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There is some sage advice here and words of wisdom. At least you know you're not alone, if nothing else. Except for the religion part, I am in somewhat of the same boat. Almost two weeks ago, sibs and I moved Mom into her "forever" group home of memory care residents. It's a private home run by a local small business - very highly rated in our state's agency that overlooks such things, and in close proximity to my sister and me at such time we are advised we can visit.

Up until just past Christmas, sis and I had been taking Mom out every other day to eat. She lived at home alone, wouldn't cook or eat at home alone (afraid of choking, but always has been). We noticed a significant mental decline in her and she did something to her knee that caused so much pain she couldn't get up to go to the bathroom easily. So she stopped drinking. We knew this could not continue so on Jan 11, we tricked her (had to) into going to a doctor's office, where she was immediately whisked to the hospital, then to rehab, then to her new home. This has been hell, but a different kind of hell. We have not seen her - at the advice of the home's staff and our support group - since moving her there on Jan 28.

As yours is, she is absolutely miserable. Asking for her daughters. Doesn't believe she's ill (tip: look up "anosognosia") and a multitude of other unpleasant things. The staff at the home we picked is terrific and really know how to handle Alz victims. We aren't visiting, but we call every day and ask how it went. She's even a handful for them but we have discovered they are protecting US, telling us she's not settling in well but is doing okay. We are concerned and want to be involved but will not subject ourselves to more abuse. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your religious beliefs, I would assume, may make you feel you are doing her a disservice. And if that's so, it's very sad. I have a hard time with a religion that would have you break your back to save someone unsave-able.

Maybe this little quote I heard yesterday will have some meaning for you (it did me): You don't have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm.

I wish you the best, and most of all, some peace. We all need that. It's value cannot be underestimated.
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Frustrated5 Feb 2019
Great quote!
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My late mother also had to be moved from the assisted living wing to the memory care wing. I knew that she would be mad at whoever told her about the move, so the staff and I concocted a therapeutic fib. We told her that there was a plumbing problem in her apartment and she needed to move into a room in the other wing while they tore into the floor of her apartment to fix the plumbing. This way, her move was no one’s “fault” and there was no one to blame. She accepted this story, but complained a couple of times over the next few days. Each time she was reminded about the plumbing. Within a week, she had forgotten all about the previous apartment. I continued to visit as usual and the staff tried to keep her busy with activities. It wasn’t easy, but what is when dealing with dementia?
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My heart goes out to you. My mother came to my home 13 months ago from New York to Florida. I constantly go back over my decision again and again because like you, I believe my mother has NPD as well. I don't really have any advice as I am so new to this and am just beginning a journey that I suspect will wind up much like yours. I am basically just answering to let you know that you are not alone. I have been reading Aging Care for a while but have never answered anyone before. Right now I am trying to make a decision on where she should go next as I fear that this situation will end my marriage. I have already begun to feel depression of my own and need to take care of myself as it seems that she has taken over my entire world. Take care of yourself; I can sympathize when you speak of conditioning to feel a certain way. My mother is a very negative individual and this is not new to her illness, she has been this way for as long as I can remember. It sounds like you have done the best you could considering the circumstances. If you have faith in the place she is (as it sounds like you do) allow them to do their job. I wish that I will be as lucky once I start touring facilities. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Frustrated5 Feb 2019
Thank thank you so much for your kind words and prayers! The decisions we make for our aging parents oftentimes aren't easy to begin with, and then when you add a lifetime of dysfunction it just worsens the situation. I'm just praying for God's intervention and his Direction how I should approach this.

It's it's rather unfortunate often times when we think self-care is selfish, but it's not. I'm learning we all are worthy whether we have been told we are or not and everyone's life needs to be taken into consideration.

My my thoughts and prayers go out to you as well. Visit some of the facilities, try to check on what options you have. I do have to say her current ALF was truly an answered prayer, and now I need to leave everything in God's hands in moving forward.
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I believe it is best to stay away for a bit. I know for Mom it would be. She would get over her anger. I do not feel she would feel hurt as I know my Mom needs control. She always has. She has done that to me before even at leaving her at Memory day Program. She said I would pay for it. She gets pretty mean, I'm just being honest. I as well, AM NOT THE GOLDEN CHILD. So she takes it out on me for bringing her to my home and out of my brothers home. They were not providing her best care.
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I am so sorry for your struggles. Remember to lean into God at times like these. Please let them handle the move and heed their advice to stay away. You are not abandoning her. She is where she needs to be and in good hands. Ask the Lord to give her peace during the move and then leave it at his feet. My problem is I hand it to Him at night and in the morning I want to pick up the burden and carry it again!! Don't do that.. just TRUST HIM to take care of your mom. She is His child too. After the move is done and you do visit, don't take any of her abuse (and it IS abuse). Tell her it is for the best, remind her (gently) that you have your own health to guard and that the Golden Child is no longer alive to help. Sometimes you have to fight brutality with straight up honesty/brutal tho it may be. And just keep telling yourself as I do...."This too shall pass".
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A friend told me that when my mom says hateful things to me to respond by by sayIng I reject that comment in the name of Jesus. Like others stated, I'd let the staff handle moing her. I'll be praying for you and your mother.
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I feel for your struggle. To find answers. Confidence in a system that is really kinda new. Anything!
At 1st I would suspect red flags for them requesting your absence. I think it is necessary for the seperation to take place in order for her to adapt to trusting strangers to care for her. If you are not there, she can't put the blame on you. Or the guilt! Trust that it is for the best. Keep your sanity intact. She hasn't much time, as she is clearly in her Winter of life. All the best to you. Stay strong, keep what you have learned.
Bleased be.
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