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I should have known better. My mother has been an emotionally abusive, manipulative, hot-tempered person for as long as I can remember. I fell into the people-pleasing mode as a child and got stuck in that mode. My adult relationship with her was managed by only visiting her when I knew I could look and behave perfectly and by ALWAYS bringing my husband as a buffer. My husband is also a people pleaser and bends over backwards for my mom.



On that note, we asked her to move in with us starting May 2021 because we bought a bigger house and got caught up in a fairy tale that she would be different. It was a nightmare. She refused to respect our work-at-home boundaries and would scream for hours if anyone asked her to respect any boundary at all. My husband had a nervous breakdown of sorts and moved out 2 months later, some of which I'm sure had to do with her relentless screaming and intrusive personality, but he definitely had his own issues at that time as well.



Now I'm left with my worst nightmare: I'm alone with my mom, and it's been ****. She is hateful, spiteful, and vengeful. She has called me a monster, ***** (which she used to do when I was growing up) and a spider, among other names. I've had to call the police on her 4 times in the past year because she wouldn't stop screaming at me for hours, sometimes days. I pretty much live in my room and her volativity has affected my ability to work. She has been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment but refuses to take any medication for it. She also refuses to take medications for her depression and anxiety. I would say none of her behaviors are new, but are just MUCH worse because we live together. Before she moved in with us, she would occasionally spend the night, and she would become very mean if she spent more than one night. The signs were all there, but we chose to ignore them. Now it's been 15 horrible months. I can honestly say I've given 1000%, but she needs to move out.



I've had 3 childhood girlfriends visit me over the last few months and they all feel she can do independent living, which is what she was in before. I agree. She's very strong and sharp. I feel she's getting stronger and stronger every day while I'm dying inside. I also need to get a roommate as this house is expensive (my husband was supposed to be living here as well), but I'm afraid to do that due to her volatility.



What is the fastest/smoothest way to find her a place and get her to move out? I have no one local to help me. My sister moved to Florida 2 years ago and wants nothing to do with my mom. My mom gets about $1,800 a month and has a nice nest eggs in her bank account. I do not have any kind of POA.

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Please check landlord tenant laws in your state. You may need to follow due process in evicting her. There could be serious penalties if you don’t. It doesn’t matter that you’re related or if she’s been paying you rent or not. In most places there are laws to protect those under your roof even if you don’t consider them tenants.
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Blinky, when was the last time your Mom was tested for an Urinary Tract Infection? Something as simple as an UTI can cause all types of mood behaviors. The infection can be cleared up with antibiotics.
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Blinky Aug 2022
Last week. It's not a UTI. I wish it were.
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Is she aware you plan on her moving out? Is this mutual or going to be a fight?
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Blinky Aug 2022
Yes. We've talked about it dozens of times. The police discussed it with her as well. I mention it a least weekly. She has agreed that it would be for the best, but has taken no action. I've offered to do all the "work" for her. I'm just figuring out the best steps.
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Just go find your mother a place to live in a senior housing development, preferably with a continuum of care feature. She can start out in Independent Living with a studio or 1 bedroom unit and then move into Assisted Living if/when necessary. Make sure the property has meals available that she can sign up for/pay for as needed. A mini bus to take her grocery shopping and to appointments, etc. Then TELL her "mother, you are moving into X place on X date, this is your rent $$$ and I will help you arrange to get movers to move you in; that fee is X amount of $$$ and the movers will be here on X date at X time." Done and done. You said she has an income and a good nest egg, so she pays for her own place as she goes. Present the situation to her with a positive spin and a smile on your face, let her know your DH is moving back into your home the MOMENT she moves out, and that's THAT. There is no room for negotiation. But you will have to do ALL the work FOR her and she just signs on the dotted line. Otherwise, if you rely on HER to do anything, she'll rot in your house until she dies.

Best of luck getting things done and leaving no room for discussion about it now.
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Blinky Sep 2022
The is that she's required to sign the application for qualifications.
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Lealonnie, In my area those Senior Living Communities where there's IL, AL and LTC you have to buy into. I haven't seen what the cost is now but years ago it was $150k to 200k and you still paid for the IL and AL. The buy in didn't come into the picture till LTC and that was either 90k going towards your care or 90%. When that is gone, its Medicaid.
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The city near us has sliding scale rent apartments for seniors and disabled. This might be good for her since you pay what you can afford and as her money is depleted, her rent will decrease.

As others said, you will have to do the work and get her out ASAP. You'll both be much happier.

Google if your local city has a housing authority of some sort and call them to get advice on how to get on the right road. Start filling out applications and see where there are openings and make it happen.
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Actual IL facilities that meals, activities and transportation are included cost money maybe more than 1800. Senior apts for low income maybe under $1000. That gives Mom $800 to pay for electric, basic cable and food.

I would find her an apt. Take her to look at it and sign the paperwork then move her in ASAP if not that day. Give her the basics to get her started. Find what she needs on Craigs List. Tell her this is the way it has to be. If she had been a nicer person you would not have to do this. You already lost ur husband because of her nastiness.

Do you think if you got rid of her your DH would come back?
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Blinky Aug 2022
My husband would return home now if I allowed it, but as I said before, he has other (unfortunately severe) issues at this point. Do you feel an apartment at $1,000 is doable on her income? With, like you said, $800 for utilities and food? She, fortunately, doesn't have many medical expenses. She also doesn't drive so she doesn't have a car expense, but our city provides Uber at 25% of the typical cost to qualifying seniors.
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You must find something, anything immediately, this is so toxic, there is no need to discuss it except you need to get her out. Maybe you can save your marriage, wishing you the best.
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Blinky Aug 2022
Unfortunately, my marriage is unsavable at this point. He had other issues but the screaming from my mother surely didn't help and I believe was certainly a catalyst in his spiral. Thank you for your kind words.
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@Blinky - don't sign anything unless you want to be responsible for paying her rent!
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Blinky, I would find her a studio or efficiency apartment. They are reasonably priced, easily furnished and will give her a place to get out of the weather. Those apartment magazines in front of convenience stores it where I would start, of course, Google searches are good.

Find one, reserve it, take her in to sign the paperwork and pay deposits. If she refuses, drop her off at a homeless shelter and let her figure it out.

Her behavior is abusive and that gets a great big, who cares what happens to her. (I know you still care but it isn't the same care as a civilized mom would get. Speaking from personal experience.) She pays the consequences for her actions starting now. You have paid enough, you owe her nothing else beyond what you have already given.

Great big warm hug! You can do it!!
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