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I am an only child. Moved to Houston from my home in New Iberia, La. in Mar 2020 to care for my Mom (Dementia, MCI, and chronic incontinence). Dad has just given up on my mother - who is a lot in this stage of her Dementia and MCI, coupled with chronic incontinence. She's become very moody and doesn't want to accept the help in the mornings and evenings that she needs from him in regards to cleaning up, taking off, and replacing pull ups/pads; washing, brushing teeth, dressing, etc. He just makes sure she has everything she needs in the bathroom and now leaves. She is resistant on having me in the bathroom with her. If she washes, takes off a used pad/pull up, cleans, is now what "I" hope for. Best "I" can do is ask her the questions she hates; "Are you wearing a pad," "Are you sure," "Did you brush your teeth," etc. Most times she has forgotten the pad and gets impatient with having to go back in the bathroom to do it all over again. This "process" usually takes anywhere from 1:30 -2:00 every morning and evening. She is just ornery when it comes to someone telling what she needs to do - because she can't remember to do so? (MCI)


It's just really tough right now. Before you ask, "I" have set up in home health care on, get this, 3 occasions. The first, Dad allowed her to cancel WHEN THE LADY CALLED TO TELL US SHE WAS ON THE WAY! Smh. That was about 9,10 months ago. Next time I set it up, again he "allowed" her to change her mind before she was scheduled to come - this was the time when the "Area Agency on Aging" denied me another chance to get benefits. I understood.


The next time "I" set up healthcare was with Medicare and a highly rated agency dedicated to home Healthcare. I vetted the young lady that was selected. She was perfect credentials wise. She washed her hair for the first time in years! (Yeah, Dad hasn't done it. Won't bathe her either? But he is an INCREDIBLE husband and father. He has recently had a LOT of health issues. During this time that I have been here and Covid, my Dad has been hospitalized (4) times with heart related issues. And now has a pacemaker. Dealing with Mom during those times was almost too much. Especially when we went through the unbelievable winter storm here in Houston in February with no running hot water and no lights for 2 days! It was awful.) The lady did an uh-MAZING job with Mom. Mom had nothing but wonderful things to say about her.


Later that evening, we noticed Mom might be having yet another UTI. So I was able to schedule an appointment for the very next day. She had a really bad infection that led her Gyno to refer to a specialist later that day. So after THAT appointment, which led to meds and Mom knowing she had an infection - out of nowhere, after we got home, Mom told Dad she didn't want anyone back in the home to wash her? And you guessed it, he allowed it - again! I was so withdrawn after that.


So here we are, falling apart. I'm 58 and tired. Sleep disorder and 4 screws and 2 cages in my back. I deal with "permanent, chronic nerve damage" daily on a 8 level. But it doesn't limit me. It hurts all the time, but I must go on. I do all of the cooking and running around. I clean the bed and bathrooms daily and administer their meds. My Dad requires vitals taken (BP, Heart rate, O2, and Temp) 2X's/day. I cook (2) meals/day about 5x's/week. He manages to get in some light yard work some days. He has glaucoma, so he rarely drives. It's just not best. I wake with him at 5a everyday to make sure he's stable. Some mornings before the pacemaker, we were dealing with BP around 85/45. There have been (3) EMS trips during this period that I have been here since Mar 2020. I have only been back to my home for a total of 2 days on (2) separate occasions. One trip was a same day turnaround. I haven't been home since September 2020. I look forward now to 6p daily when they usually go to bed. I also cook and care for my 11yo Yorkie. I'm tired - mentally and spiritually. Sorry 4 the vent

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A lot of very good replies here. Get POA/DPOA in order so you can make decisions for your parents. Elder Attny advice - yes. Look for a Care Management Company - they are usually run/owned by a nurse or a social worker who can advise, give perspective and offer assistance at any level - light housekeeping, CNA, nursing, social worker, they even know all of the facilities in the area and can rate them for you and help you place your mom and dad - together or not - this will save you a lot of footwork and you won't feel alone.

In the meantime, until you get things organized, get yourself educated about how to approach your mom with dementia - a lot of the pushback from her will go away with the right approach - truly!

Please read Bob DeMarco, who took care of his mother with ALZ and created a method to calm his mother and create a happy son/caregiver relationship with his her:
https://www.facebook.com/alzheimersreadingroom/
and
Rachael Wonderlin - who is a professional Dementia Care Consultant who can help you make a decision - you can even call her for advice:
https://rachaelwonderlin.com/dementiabyday/dementia-by-day-blog/

Both write short articles so it is easy to read one or two at a time and choose the topics you most need help with. You will learn quite a lot from them and the household dynamics will change. Understanding the disease in a practical way, will help you tremendously, no matter where your mom lives.

I do however agree with most here, that a MC facility is the best idea (the aides you get in the house don't necessarily know how to approach a person with dementia - it's very different.) Then you can go back to being a son, not the man who is trying to get her to do what she doesn't want to do. It will be a great relief for you and your dad. Your mom will be relieved too - she will feel safe in professional hands. Once she is in, Visit her very often and never let up on the facility - your job will become, as son, to monitor that all is being done properly for your mom, instead of doing it yourself:)

Finally - you may consider moving your parents to a facility near your home in your state. It's one more thing to consider and may be very difficult for your parents to transition to a new state, but if they are moving to a facility that is already a change, so in the end the big effort to do this now may be a good thing for all. And the care management company will be a help in this situation as well.

All the best. You have taken the first step, which is to reach out to an understanding community here. It will get easier as long as you keep moving forward and make steps to change the situation.
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RudyVee Jun 2021
GOD bless you for your time and your genuine advice. Thank you SO much! Blessins...
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I feel so sorry for you😪. You have every reason to feel the way you do and I thank God for this forum where it's safe to get all the horrible feelings alot of us feel out of us. It doesn't make me feel better that there are others like me out there but it helps me keep my sanity knowing I'm not alone. I just wanted to send you a giant hug (not that this helps) and to let you know you are an ANGEL and someone cares about YOU.
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RudyVee Jun 2021
GOD bless you Angie. You're that gift that keeps on giving. You took time out of YOUR day and responsibilities. I appreciate you and thank GOD for you.

Blessins,
HIS...
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Imho, perhaps your mother requires more help than your father realizes since he's not very well himself.
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Any particular reason why your father can't check his own 02, heart rate and temperature at 5 in the morning? I can see it might be tricky for him to do blood pressure but he can certainly call you if he feels unwell and thinks it needs checking urgently. Otherwise, let him do these checks while you sleep on peacefully. Don't teach him to be helpless.

The thing is, reading again through your post, there does seem to be a fair old bit of work creation going on - several things you can delegate (personal care support for your mother, the "vitals" for your father, anything more than ad hoc cleaning of the bedrooms and bathrooms) and some that seem a bit barmy. Why in heaven's name are you cooking for the dog? I love Yorkies (hope to have one in my senior years, plan to name her Blossom, she forms a key part of my retirement dream) but nothing on earth would induce me to cook one a special meal. There's perfectly good, wholesome whole food for dogs out there, y'know. If this is recreation for you it's different, of course.
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RudyVee Jun 2021
Thank you. Yeah, I know. But my fiance started it. (Byw, she lives in another state and cares for her 96 yo mother.) But yeah, valid points. But the Yorkie doesn't ear dry dog food? Trust me when I tell you that I have tried EVERY brand that Petsmart carries - no luck. No even the "real food" that they carry in the coolers. It is what it is.

I will definitely look into and try to put into practice your other suggestions. Thanks for everything, again.

Blessins...
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you are amazing but enough is enough. Tell them that YOU WILL be getting someone in to take care of them because you can no longer handle doing everything as you are getting sick. (don't worry about the little white lie, but in reality YOU ARE sick). And tell your dad that do NOT cancel anybody because otherwise you will be looking into placing them both into an AL place where others can help to care for them. I am guessing that you have POA........if not, well not much else you can do other than contacting the office of aging and telling them that you can no longer care for them but that they cannot be left alone to take care of themselves. its a tough job and it sounds like you have gone way over in trying to handle things for them. it doesn't pay to argue with someone with dementia because you will not win. I wish you the best of luck in getting them some help.
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My 92 YO mother has Alzheimer's. Her memory and anxiety issues were progressive since she had a stroke at age 75. She stopped cooking and all household chores except very basic repetitive ones. She stopped allowing family gatherings, even when we offered to do all the planning, work and cooking. She repeated herself constantly, several times a minute, all day long. Her hygiene was handled by a morning dip in the hot tub or pool with Dad. Dad coped with the crazy repetition by spending a lot of time doing "yard work."

Early in 2018, dad's congestive heart failure caught up with him. In and out of the hospital multiple times; my brother moved in with them (leaving his wife at their home.) I took day shifts, and I'm in my 70's. This got to be too much since their house was not set up for elder care (steps, tiny bathrooms, too big a yard to maintain.) Dad decided to sell and move them to AL, where he passed away after about a year. Mom had no recollection or cognizance that he died.

She was immediately moved to the memory care wing. She's now on Medicare hospice status, which provides more intensive medical supervision, after she got COVID (and recovered.) She wears adult pull ups and often refuses to get showered/shampooed when the aides come in to help. We visit several times a week, bringing her treats, magazines and newspapers to keep her busy.

Your dad is sick himself and is probably struggling with that plus dealing with your mother. He is not able to "go to the mat" insisting on old routines for her. She needs memory care, especially since she's incontinent. An AL facility where they can live together might be an option, but being cooped up with an Alzheimer patient all day can be very detrimental to mental health, so they may need to be separated. If he goes to AL and she goes to memory care in the same facility, he can visit her every day. You need to quit being caretaker. You've done enough.
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RudyVee Jun 2021
Thank you SO much for your heart in that response. I will do what you suggested. You're a blessing..
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Your dad hasn't given up but rather recognizes that this waaaaaaaay beyond what he is capable of doing anymore. And you're almost 60. How much longer can you go on like this before you get sick??

It's time to find somewhere that has the level of services both your mother and your dad need. Your mother needs memory care. Your father needs assisted living. What assets do they have that can be liquidated to pay for their longterm care?
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It isn't until your last paragraph that you write this:

"I'm 58 and tired. Sleep disorder and 4 screws and 2 cages in my back. I deal with "permanent, chronic nerve damage" daily on a 8 level. But it doesn't limit me. It hurts all the time, but I must go on. I do all of the cooking and running around. I clean the bed and bathrooms daily and administer their meds. My Dad requires vitals taken (BP, Heart rate, O2, and Temp) 2X's/day. I cook (2) meals/day about 5x's/week. He manages to get in some light yard work some days. He has glaucoma, so he rarely drives. It's just not best. I wake with him at 5a everyday to make sure he's stable. Some mornings before the pacemaker, we were dealing with BP around 85/45. There have been (3) EMS trips during this period that I have been here since Mar 2020. I have only been back to my home for a total of 2 days on (2) separate occasions. One trip was a same day turnaround. I haven't been home since September 2020. I look forward now to 6p daily when they usually go to bed. I also cook and care for my 11yo Yorkie. I'm tired - mentally and spiritually."

So how long and until what happens do you intend to continue doing it all for your parents? What happens if you become so ill that you can't take care of them?

YOU matter, too! Have you considered facility placement?
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Your father is in denial about how serious your mother's dementia is. So he ignores it. He continues to treat her like she's still a normal, rational person can make decisions and do for herself with maybe a little help. This why he will do things like lay out her toothbrush, but not actually brush her teeth. As you can see from being with them, your father cannot look after her or himself with all the health issues he has.
I had a homecare client whose husband was similar to your father. He didn't know how to handle his wife's dementia either. So he ignored it. For several years she was mainly bedridden in a hospital bed in the living room that I arranged for her. Before that she slept on the couch. If she messed her diaper after I left for the day she stayed in it until I come the next morning because he would not change her. He'd put some food in a bowl for her at supper time. If she was unable feed herself, she didn't eat because he would not feed her. She was extremely ornery and downright nasty and it scared her husband.
Their situation improved when I brought additional help in and we handled everything for them. The husband was grateful and also open-minded. He understood that sometimes we had to be a little tough on his wife to do what she needed. Like in the mornings. She would scream, hit, bite, and carry on every day because she didn't want to get washed up and have her diaper changed. She'd scream and cry for him to help her and call the police. I'd send him into the kitchen to have his breakfast and insist he ignore her until it was quiet. He always did. She would be fine after the washing up and changing was done. He wasn't though. It was too much for him to deal with this ordeal every day. So, he started leaving in the mornings when I arrived and he'd have breakfast out.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your father and make him understand that both of them need several hours a day of homecare. If he's still with it, they won't need a caregiver to be there at night when they're sleeping. Your father has to learn about dementia and be reassured that it's okay to be afraid of the behaviors that come with it. That's why we have professional caregivers. I've dropped dementia clients from my service over the years because the care situation became dangerous to me. A person can be out of it mentally but still strong and mobile.
For you, make plans to move back to your home if you want to.
If you're going to stay, arrange the homecare and make your father understand that neither of you are going to interfere with the caregivers. Keeping an eye on new ones is different than interfering with the work. Your mother must get established in a daily routine with them. When it's time to do her care, you and your father have to leave. If you won't actually get in the car and go, then go outside. Go in another room. Just don't go to mom. If she carries on during the care, ignore her. If she's demanding that they be cancelled for the day, tell her that's not happening. Establish a routine and you'll see things improve.
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jacobsonbob Jun 2021
Sometimes the mind goes before the body, the body before the mind, or both at the same rate. As you have found, the first group can be very tough to handle (I believe probably the worst!).
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I hear you!! This sounds like my life. My mom has dementia and my dad hides out in man cave all day long. Mom fights me on everything. Refuses to go to day club and my dad says in front of her " you cant make her!" Thanks dad! I'm th he only one reading up on this disease and shower my mom, clean and meds ect.. I work fulltime as a home health aide and have two dogs. I have chronic pain also. I was told by a social worker there are two things that come first. Moms safety and health, happiness comes last. If there are any kind of safety issues involving care I would reach out to protectors of elders!
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Angel0 Jun 2021
You can friend me at amy Leibenguth from ct on Facebook and we can chat if you need support. Lord knows I do. Lol
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I am suprised you have held out this long. You are worn out and are working your way into serious problems. You will start resenting this job. You will become impatient and can become neglectful and abusive in your neglect. Get help in alternate care and let a expert help you with "how to deal with it". Do not "break yourself down".
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Thank God that you have been able to care for your parents as long as you could. Imagine that this is how your father feels - tired, unhealthy, badgered, knowing that your mother needs more help... For all of your sakes, consider moving both parents into assisted living that phases to memory care as needed. Your mom may need memory care now. The fight and the care will not be on your father's back but the responsibility of the staff.
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When my mom and I checked my dad into Memory Care, the nurse there asked me what helped me make the decision. I said, "I trying to keep my dad's disease from killing my mom."

I think that's where you are right now. You're just going to need to get your mom placed, even without your dad's cooperation, in order to save whatever life he has left.
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If it took you an hour and a half or two hours to get washed and dressed in the morning, you'd start avoiding it, too. That's why your mother needs support with these routines - not because she can't do it, but because it takes her forever which in turn puts her off the whole idea. A cheerful person to help her with verbal prompts and unobtrusive physical support would make the task go with a swing.

So, remind me what happened with the ideal match caregiver? Why didn't you overrule your father?

Got her contact details?

Rule for your Dad: when the care receiver is reluctant and wants to cancel the visit, LEAVE IT to the professional caregiver to negotiate acceptance. It's part of the job, and we get pretty good at it. No need to argue with mother or oppose what she says, just reassure her that nobody will even try to make her do anything she isn't happy with.
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There is some wonderful advice here. I am pretty old, but in better shape than your Dad. I wouldn't be able to fight your Mom either. You just lack some gumption as you get old and sick, and settle for momentary peace. See an elder care lawyer; they will be familiar with this. Get the lawyer's advice and follow it. Placement seems the obvious solution; they both need help. You have a possibly excellent recommendation of a resource in Houston. In the meantime get people in, tell your Dad lovingly either you get help or you leave. Don't make him fight your mother. Make him argue with you; he and you have a much better chance of reaching a positive solution. It is a real mess, and you are obviously exhausted. You don't want three collapsing people in that family.
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You and your Dad need help caring for your mother. You are getting burned out! Get connected with a social worker in your local area who can explain your options to you. You are still young and have health problems of your own. At my mother's memory care unit, they use the disposable incontinence pads everywhere that my mother sits and under her when she's in bed. That helps. My mother with dementia never learned how to use the disposable panties. Dementia can get worse and your mother may need more care in the future. You have to talk to your father about this, and try to get him to understand that you both need help. If you can afford it, try to get help with cleaning the house and other things that you do. The social worker may be able to advise here.
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Venting is good - we need to let out feelings or they crush us and lead to burn-out and guilt.
Your parents are adults. Your father can make decisions for them. Will they be good decisions? - probably not a lot of the time but he is cognitively capable of making them and should be allowed to do so.
If you try and keep things as you feel they should be, you will simply end up exhausted and ill yourself. Step back and leave them to it until your father realises he cannot manage and he has to make decisions for your mother on the care she and he need. You cannot make his decisions and whilst you keep sorting things out he will not make them - it is very hard to watch a situation which we feel is inadequate or unhealthy, but we just have to leave them to it until a facility for care is needed or they admit to needing assistance.
Take a break - take a holiday for a few weeks (even if that is simply not seeing them), let the situation unfold without you, and then if necessary seek advice from an elder lawyer about how the care that is needed for mother and father can be arranged or what you can do to help. Getting POAs drawn up before they are needed is something to consider. Hugs to you.
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Someone else wrote about finding a facility to place your mother, and this is the correct answer. Medicaid will cover it once she has spent down her assets. Your father can protect his assets with some Medicaid planning which an elder law attorney can help with.
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Has your Dad "given up"? Or *accepted* he cannot change or fix her.

Although not doing things as you would, he is her spouse, not her nurse. He is choosing his battles & stepping back from some.

Sounds like he is worn out already - becoming her nurse/caregiver may just kill him.

I admire you willingness to fly in & roll up your sleeves to help them both. With their battle of old age & illness. Love, dedication, bravery.

But ask yourself if it is worth it if YOU die in the attempt to save them?

Have a good look at your folk's living situation. They are already living in an assisted living - where you are ALL the assistance. Use your skills to build either a home care team around them or find alternative, appropriate living accommodation for them before you fall ill. Please.
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Several things to consider:
1. your Dad is worn out. He is so sad/angry, probably mourning the woman he used to know.
2. your Mom is at the stage where her dementia is in the defiant stage. This happens.
3. you are frustrated that 'things' arent being handled propery, AND you are losing both your mother and your father.
4. Dad is the roadblock here, even if he goes off into another room.
5. first, do a little research on 1 0r 2 good facility(s) near your dad's home.
6. time for a sitdown with Dad and come up with a plan.
7. Move your Mom to the decided facility. Your mother will get good care, and hopefully your Dad will come back to life.
8. support both of them with your love, prayers, greeting cards, flowers, etc.
9 this is not perfect. life is not perfect.
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Since you are in Houston, Google Brookdale Assisted Living/memory care facilities. My stepmom lived in assisted living and my hubby is going to MC in August for respite. The facilities and staff are wonderful. Some of them have 2 person apartments. At the time my stepmom was in AL, there was a scale of services she needed. Help with toileting was X amount per month; medication management, X amount; help dressing, X amount. There was a maximum amount for these services.In 2018, it topped out at $1700 month, even if she had needed every service they provided.
I took some of her own furniture so she felt like there were familiar surroundings. Your folks would probably be able to share the apartment. Yet someone else would be taking care of your mom 's personal care.
The facility has activities all day long: they scheduled shopping trips and restaurant outings. This might solve your problem. Sending a huge hug to you.
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RudyVee Aug 2021
Brookdale, huh? Ok. Are you sure it was just $1,700/mt total? Reason being, and I am SO tired that I'm probably confused, but I thought that I spoke to them already here? As you know, unfortunately for them my Dad doesn't make a lot of money with his annuity. Roughly $42K/yr. This doesn't qualify them for Medicaid. And the facilities that he can afford are places that do not "appear" to be satisfactory, or in a less than desirable part of town. I've always abided by my own adage that, "the quality of service is directly related to the location of said services." And it hasn't failed me yet. And yes, I do know that there are some exceptions to the rule. But your advice gives me hope. He cannot keep this up. She's in a very bad stage of denial and acting out when it comes to what is needed for her hygiene health. She says she doesn't need to wear pads because, "I don't bleed anymore."🤷🏾‍♂️😓😓😓

I will call them first thing in the morning. I gave up trying with facilities because of the cost. I am playing Lotto just praying for luck. Smh...

Thank you SO much and may GOD bless you and cover you and your family from these temporary, perilous times we are living in at the moment. I believe in the power of fervent and effectual prayer.

HIS,
Kevyn

Psalms 71:12!!!
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For your sake and theirs you need to help place them.

until then….
Have a heart to heart with your dad. Tell him you need to manage the outside help.
Make sure they have your phone number and know that the caregiver knows not to take a “no” from anyone but you. They shouldn’t call the home number, they should call your number. Ask them to give you a chance to help them gain compliance.

YOU and dad have to remember that mom CANT remember and so what she says one day will be different the next day or in maybe 15 min.


You need to take away ALL your moms panties and replace with pull-ups.
You can try taking each pair of panties and attaching a pad inside them in advance if a pad would truly take care of everything for now.
Anytime you are asking her a ‘yes/no’ question that has consequences, rethink your approach. Instead of do you have a pad on. It’s here’s your clean underwear (that you have already put the pad in).

Again, YOU remember that she CAN’T remember (except every now and then when she actually does remember).

Your dad has been through a lot. He may have cognitive decline of his own. But even much younger people will think their LO is being lazy or is “doing it on purpose” because they are too close to the situation, burned out and can’t see that the LO has lost the ability to cooperate or care for themselves.

Make sure they have their paperwork in order. POA, WILL, ETC. visit with a certified elder attorney well versed in Medicaid should they need it.

While your help is very necessary, it’s also very easy for their skill set to be at a lower level than you realize. In other words the old “enabling is disabling”

And RudyVee, what are your plans for the hurricane season?

I know how hard what you are doing is. You really need to make sure dad understands what you are able to do and not do. Don’t oversell it. If he expects you to watch out for them, he mustn’t make it harder.
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Oh my heart--you sweetie.

Time to move BOTH mom and dad to a care facility, or YOU will precede them in death. It's very real--the stress will take you down. But you know that, b/c you already are there.

Start checking into facilities that take couples--move them to an apartment in a facility that will give them 'togetherness' as they seem to thrive on that, but also one that will brook no 'Don't come help us today, we're fine'.

That's just my 2 cents. One elderly person trying to care for another rarely has a good outcome. The 'sicker' of the two often outlives the 'carer'. And it sounds like you have had your own set of problems. As someone who also suffers pain on a daily basis, you have my utmost sympathy.
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My Mom made the statement one time that when u take those vows "in sickness and in health" you don't realize that the sickness comes when he is old and you are old too and can't deal with him anymore. (My Dad was not easy to live with)

Its hard for the elderly to deal with change. Your Dad is having a hard time wrapping his head around this Dementia thing and not sure if you or him really understand it. There is no reminding anymore or asking "did u do such and such", its now hands on.

You or Dad take mom to the bathroom and make sure Mom washes up and brushes her teeth. You make sure she puts the pad inside her panties. Better yet, buy adult pull ups and do away with the panties. You/Dad take her to the bathroom every couple of hours. Do not leave her and expect her to clean up correctly. I sat outside the bathroom so Mom had privacy but went in and helped her. You can no longer leave her to her own devices. Her brain no longer works logically. All kinds of things go thru her brain at one time. TV and dreams become their reality. There is no reasoning with them. Think of Mom as a 4 yr old and how they act.

Alone your Dad is not going to be able to care for your Mom. He has suggested placing her in an AL. It may be the best thing for both of them. He can join her or stay in his home. My SILs parents lived together in an AL/IL community. He had ALZ she was OK. She could leave him knowing he would be watched while she played bridge or went on the outings. I think this is the only way you will get back home. Dad should not be allowed to be stressed out.

If you go this way, I would see a lawyer well versed in Medicaid. Medicaid allows for the splitting of assets. Moms split would go towards her care and when spent down Medicaid can be applied for. (A question to ask the AL is if Medicaid is excepted) With Medicaid, Dad would become the Community Spouse being able to stay in the home and getting enough from their monthly income (SS and pensions) to live on. Just giving basics here. States and situations very.

You need to do what is best for Dad. It won't be easy placing Mom but she is not going to improve. Eventually she will need more care than an AL can give. Dad can visit. Join in the activities with her. Moms place had entertainment come in. Parties all the time for birthdays, holidays and to just have one. Dad can enjoy the time with Mom and leave when he feels he needs to. Moms AL even had holiday dinners where families could join in.
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Neither one of you can handle mom in this state of dementia, so she either needs in-home outside care to come in on a daily basis (with no choice given to her on the matter), or she needs placement in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence where you and dad can go visit her and become son & husband once again instead of caregivers. Dementia normally reaches a point where in-home care by the family becomes impossible b/c the patient becomes 100% non-compliant & argumentative, as you're beginning to see now. "MCI" is no longer relevant with mom as she's moved way beyond 'mild cognitive impairment' now & into full blown dementia.

Ideally, you can find an ALF that has a Memory Care wing b/c your dad may need the assistance himself one of these days, based on his health history. He can live in AL while mom is next door in MC, although it may be possible for both of them to live together for a while. Their house can be sold to finance their stay. My parents had to do this very thing as their health went down the tubes and in home care was not possible. My dad passed but mom is 94 now & living in Memory Care herself, requiring a whole team of people to care for her with advanced dementia at play & being wheelchair bound & incontinent, etc. If she's still alive when she runs out of $$ to private pay, I'll have to apply for Medicaid to fund her care in a Skilled Nursing Facility (I am an only child too at 64).

Wishing you the very best of luck managing a difficult situation & taking care of YOURSELF in the process. Don't discount the need for that b/c what if you break down & get sick? Who takes care of the parents then?
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I don’t think your dad has “given up” on your mom. It’s that the situation has become impossible for him to manage, and he has given up pretending otherwise.

I am so sorry you are all suffering like this! Love just isn’t enough, unfortunately.
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Quite honestly, and very sadly, you are now in a position of knowing that your move from your own home may have been a grave mistake. I am not certain how much is undone back home, nor how easily to can return. If you are exhausted at your age you can only begin to imagine the exhaustion of your father who is was in charge of this poor woman who bears no resemblance to his wife or your Mother. She is utterly changed by her disease, and things will not become better. As Beatty here says, "There will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions".
I think it is time now to consider placement for your Mom in memory care so that you and your father can continue on with the lives you should still have, with visits to your Mother. I know my own limitations, and would have known I could not for a day take this on, but I was a nurse and know what it drains from you, no matter you love the work and your patients to do this work three days a week, let alone attempting it 24/7, no matter having help as you describe.
It can only be your choice. I know you know the options that exist. None of this will get better. I am so very sorry and so wish you the best.
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