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My sister and I are caregivers for our mom and step dad. The other sister lives an hour away from mom and has made it very clear she is not into caregiving but will come down every month or two to "clean" mom's house. Her cleaning leaves a lot to be desired because the floors and counters should be cleaned a lot more often, so caregiver sister and I end up doing all the cleaning once a week and don't mention it to Distant sister because she'll cop an attitude how we are not letting her help. Distant sister rarely visits and when she does, she makes promises to our parents that she either cannot or will not do. She's always in a hurry to visit and leave because she has so much to do in her yard. (my sister and I also have our homes and yards to keep up and I'm a widow) She has no children and hires the neighbor boy to help her. Her husband isn't into working in the yard like she is. She has 1 year before retirement and promises to drive to mom's 1x week to help out. I highly doubt she will. She reminds us to please keep her informed as to what is happening with mom's decline.


I'm at mom's 3-4 days a week and caregiver sister the same but on different days. I make notes on an email to distant sister then send it once a week.
Her response is always the email I sent her with highlighted bits and pieces pointing out this is a way she would not want to be treated. Example.....when going shopping (before virus) I was helping mom make up grocery list. I asked dad 4x if he has his wallet and checkbook  (mom has Alzheimer's and dad has dementia) he would say yes he does, pat his pocket and say no I don't then go to bedroom for it and get distracted and come back out without it. Mom was being very difficult that morning but we were working through the list. Finally, dad said he did have it so we got on the road because we had a foot Dr appt. My fault ...I did not follow through to see if he had his wallet. When we got to our destination, he then realized he didn't have it and wanted me to take them home so he could get it and I refused to drive 1/2 hr back home and another1/2hr back into town for shopping. He was mad at me but I just paid for the groceries myself and he paid me back.
I mentioned this to my distant sister and there seemed to be no understanding of what my caregiver sister and I go through daily...just complaining about how I should have taken them back home to get his wallet because it was my fault it was forgotten I the first place because I didn't follow through to make sure he had his wallet. Also to make sure I knew that I should have taken them back home because that's the way she would treat them because that's the way she wants to be treated. She does this everytime I send her an email. She doesn't seem to get the point of the email about how much they are both declining. It's gotten to the point where I don't keep her updated because I know what her response would be. I don't have time for her nit picking. I'm tired. Now she tells my caregiver sister that I don't keep her updated. Caregiver sister doesn't respond and doesn't want to get into the middle of it because she totally understand where I'm coming from.
So...my question is: do I continue to keep distant sister informed or just save myself the hassle of emailing her with an attitude pointing out to me how I've failed in my caregiving duties. I'm trying as hard as I can but I'm human...I make mistakes... My feelings are to keep her updated and ignore her response but I'm starting to resent her attitude because my sister and I are doing the best we can and we are both pretty disgusted with distant sister. Thank you all for listening to me ramble on.

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I would follow what others said and limit the details. Mom had a difficult morning and Dad was distracted getting ready but we managed to get out on time to get Dad to his appointment and then did the grocery shopping. Maybe when sis retires and comes 1x weekly shopping can be on her to do list. 

My husband was the 2nd oldest of 6. We lived about 90 minutes away and his two youngest sisters were living with Mom & Dad on the family farm. We did what we could when we visited to give them & Dad a break when Mom was sick. We made sure they knew how much we appreciated what they were doing and that we could not begin to understand the difficulty. By the time several years later it was time to help with Dad our son was older and we could spend more time helping until he need to go to a SNF.
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The sibling nightmare that affects so many including myself. Your mom is healthy? Cognizant? That should not be that much of a problem. You have to start adjusting your thinking about your sibling AND your mother relationship. if mom is mentally OK...well can you talk to her? Some suggestions;

1.If you could seek out a family counselor to act as a third party between you two that may greatly help. Think about this, something I did. Contact your local elder abuse agency. Start a report, meet with an agent. Get their email. You are being abused as well! Keep good records, and the most notable derogatory highlight emails from the sister. When you send an email, keep it short and copy the agent at the senior abuse agency. When I did this my brother went berserk but backed off.

2. Or put an elder abuse attorney on retainer and copy him/her.

3. Try to find trusted third party, maybe a family friend to copy all emails to.

4. Create a "update' list of email friends and other family members. Iclude your sisters derogatory ones. Let he know that others are reading her emails...this should stop her.

5. Don't accept phone calls from your sister. Insist that any of her correspondence be in writing. this sends a strong message that you are documenting her abuse to you.

6. Check with a couple care provider agencies and get written quotes on how much it would cost to take care of your mom. Share these with your sister.

Are you neing compensated for your work? If not, why not? There's other parts of this situation that have not been explained like finances, capacity, etc. If it is just a creepy bullying sister, then write her to stop bullying you.
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Hugs to you for all you do❤️

let me share my mantra with you:

”Show up or Shut up!”

You have been such a gem in taking care of your parents with your other caregiving sister. Politely tell your absent/occasional sister to visit if she would like to see how your parents are doing.

We all have ideas of how we would handle certain situations until ,that is, we become involved intimately with those situations.

Just as in learning, book knowledge is one thing and the practical application of that knowledge is another.

You do enough as it is in taking care of your parents. Please don’t worry about emailing your other sister it’s just one more thing to drain your energy especially dealing with her commentary.

Bless you for doing what you do and let the nit picker “Show up or Shut up”❤️
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Beatty Apr 2020
Yes! You can place my order for that t-shirt now 😁
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Stop emailing your sister. I used to try to keep all my siblings informed about my father in case something happened to me and they had to take over his care. Two were appreciative and one complained. I gave him too much information. And he never helped out. Now I only send the most basic of information. Less is more.
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Why do you even go in to the details with her about the daily craziness? For sister who comes in to do cleaning - whatever you do, continue to accept whatever help you're getting or you're going to be more frustrated than you are now.

Maybe find other tasks she can do that can wait for her visits. Agreed, that floor cleaning and other tasks like that need to be done more often. Keep your list of shopping needs and let her take the parents when she comes into town. When you know she is coming, make the dr appts and let her take them to that. If nothing else, when she arrives feign an illness and tell her you aren't up to it that day and she has to do it.

If you cannot find enough tasks, then let her spend that day with them doing whatever cleaning she wants to do while you and the other sister stay completely away from the house for a break.

You will never win with a non-caregiver, so figure out how to use whatever they are willing to give. Some don't even show with intent of doing anything. IF IF they show up, it's what I call a drive-by.
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You are doing the best you can. Remember that!
I am also in the same situation w 3 of my siblings, let's refer to them as the privileged ones. ( if anything just for a laugh bc God knows you need it in these situations) . There are 7 of us, 4 siblings are communicating about mom's care. At first I was asking the privileged ones if they wanted to be updated about mom. Mom is 88, (Mexican version of Mommie Dearest) She has beginning stages of Alzheimers.
I am very lucky to have lots of friends. One of my very best friends said to me "it is NOT your responsibility to tell your siblings how THEIR mother is doing!" They know her number and address. BAM! Hit me between the eyes! I let go of that burden and we haven't heard hide nor hair from the privileged ones.
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Don't put up with this sister since she picks you apart anyway. Don't update her with every detail if she's going to come across as being so acrimonious. Who really is "into caregiving?"
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I would not put up with that sister for another minute. Don’t tell her much at all about things and she won’t be able to pick you apart. She almost sounds spoiled but what she is doing is all talk and doesn’t contribute any help. She put herself first and that is fine but she can’t sit back and judge you. Tell the sister less and less. If she wants to know more, she can come take over all you are doing for a change. Her attitude would change fast. Tell her you took them to the store or wherever but not about the wallet as an example. Otherwise, she will continue. You give her ammo when you give sis too much info.
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I am one of 6.

I took care of both my parents on my own at the end of their lives —(Not looking for a pat on the back, just setting the stage). As my parents aged and declined, sibling by sibling dropped off from communicating with our parents, then with me. I begged for help, then begged for mere communication (first to us all, later just to parents) and ended up with “crickets.” Nothing from any of them, even though I had experienced lifelong closeness with each of them and their children.

Dad passed first, Mom survived for another three years and now, after the fact, I know that when they cut off contact with us, some of them were meeting with each other and lawyers, brainstorming about all the ways they could sue me after both parents passed (I live comfortably and mom and dad had saved carefully and they were strategizing about how to get the most from me and the estate, both).

So in the throes of mourning, I was visited by the local sheriff serving me with papers (by two sibs only, thankfully) alleging all kinds of things, including that I PREVENTED them from visiting and even calling my parents. I was completely stunned.

Fast forward, I prevailed in each of two lawsuits (and so did my lawyers). I should mention that those two siblings were living comfortably - I am still befuddled by their actions.

Why am I writing? Because you should put everything in writing. When your sister doesn’t show up, send her an email, acknowledging that she failed to make her commitment.

if you pay for groceries or other items your parents need and later get reimbursed, take clear notes and keep photos of the receipt (receipts rub off or “fade”) and also snap a picture of that reimbursement check. It may seem like a pain, but it could save you later.

Please learn from my heartbreak. Focus your attention and love (and expectations) on the sibling that is there for you. Write the other sibling off. You will likely come around to this in the long run and doing it now cuts your losses. You don’t need to contact or notify her. If she sends any emails or other written communication that accuse you of not providing updates, respond and tell her that you are busy taking care of your parents and you need her help, and even a visit would be helpful and if she wants to know how they are doing, she should prioritize a visit and find out first-hand.

Thank you for being one of those wonderful children who is there for your parents. You are a true hero. Remember you are doing in for your parents and not for “Sister-Ex.”

I have one, very wonderful sister who I communicate with daily. I have many wonderful nieces and nephews. My sister is worth them all and I would do anything for her. Save 100% of your sister-love for the sister who gives you her all. You are so lucky to have her!
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doctorno Apr 2020
What a nightmare. Hang in there.
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After a very painful and long period of 'beating my head against a wall', I stopped sending distant nit-picking sister e-mail updates. Surprisingly/unsurprisingly, she never contacted me again--that was 2 years ago. With my therapist's help, I slowly realized the futility of wondering 'why' and 'how could ...' The longer time went on, the less I became obsessed with her behavior (and my hurt as a result thereof). Today, I rarely think of her, and when I do, I nod my head to her with compassion (i.e., say a little prayer for her). Good luck, Flowerhouse; if I can overcome this, I really believe anyone can. It took persistence, patience, and faith; now I am free! (And can go on unfettered to focus on the everyday challenges of being the primary caregiver : )
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You seem intimidated by this “distant sister”. Why? Get over her BS by addressing whatever it is in yourself that makes you cater to her. Accept that this “drama” sister thinks of herself more higher then she ought. You owe her nothing ... nothing but love, which can be doled out at the distance she apparently requires.

One hour away!
Save yourself &
Hug the real sister there in trenches ~
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2020
Oh so true, I certainly got over my egotistical brothers and I am a lot happier now.
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We live near my inlaws who are in AL and MC and do all the "on the ground" work of caring for them--my DH does their medications set up, takes them to the doctor as needed, sees to all their extra needs, etc. Of course, we are the ones who end up taking them to hospitals, etc, when needed also. My BIL kept being very thankful but was overwhelming us with his "guilt". He wanted to help, but lives 1200 miles away. SO we decided to let him handle the finances. He can pay all the bills, etc, from that distance, and that's one less thing we have to worry about. SO maybe you could allow distant sister to do that type of thing, and you continue to handle the dailies with caregiver sister. It is fruitless to try to compare who does what and how well. Now with this delegation of responsibility we also had to take a totally hand's off approach and let him do it his own way. It can be a "be careful what you ask for" situation at times.
With Distant Sister, I would limit my updates to bullet points, no details. "Everything went well this week. Went to the grocery, doctors offices. Doctors were please/changed meds, whatever. Hope you are having a good day." Don't give her amunition. If she asks why you changed your tactics, just say "It was too much to give you details all the time. The weight of caregiving is heavy enough, I don't need to rehash it all in my mind/on "paper" weekly. Sorry, that's the best I can do."
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Thank you again everyone. Each of you had something to contribute that will be helpful to my caregiver sister and I. I appreciate you all taking the time to respond and I've now made a list of what I can say. I've just decided not to respond at all and when she calls I'm going to tell her I won't bore her with many details then a list of comebacks when her criticism starts. Guaranteed she won't be doing much criticizing after that! I'll be firm but kind. Much love to all of you wonderful people.
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No matter what you do she will not be happy. In her will who is the person who will be in charge? If it is not her, ignore her, stay away from her and tell other sisters and brothers. You simply speak to her a little as you have too. Dr Grenan
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Just send an email with clear bulleted points of happenings, that way you can ignore any email she sends - if she decides to send one.
I like the idea for you and sister to write a list of chores for her.
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You say "We have suggested distant sister call mom but she doesn't. She's too busy telling us about her golf games, gardening etc." Your distant sister clearly does not know what a difficult job you and your caregiver sister have taken on. Perhaps you remember when your life was your own? What were your main concerns then? She's still excited about what she is able to do. You have most likely given up your favorite activities in order to care for your parents. It won't help to explain it to her, as it really has to be experienced. But you should continue, as you said, to give her basic information. You were actually feeding her things to nit pic about, so that she can feel she's involved, which she isn't. You thought you were telling her how your dad is slipping. That isn't what she gets from your information because she doesn't understand. Let me say it again. She doesn't understand. Just be sure to thank your caregiver sister often for what she does and continue for as long you can to help each other in this very difficult situation. Also, mention to distant sister often how much you appreciate caregiver sister. She may or may not get the hint. Be well.
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You don’t owe her any explanations. Aren’t you busy enough and yet you have to write her a “report”? Who the heck is she?
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Report only the good.

It is TMI (too much information) to report the details you have.
It is an invasion of Dad and Mom's privacy, imo.
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I would not share any information that solicits criticism from her.

The whole wallet fiasco should have never been told to her.

I know that you need to vent, it helps us make sense of our feelings and we might even get some input that will help us be less adversely affected in future. Your sister is not the person you should be using as your sounding board.

I would send monthly updates about how your parents are doing, keep it sterile, like you are telling the doctor about things, leave you out of it completely. That way she has no ammunition to fire at you.

If she says anything you can politely tell her that any deeper information can be had by putting in a couple of weeks caring for mom and dad and giving everyone a break. She can only control you if you let her.

Take care of your family and yourself during this time. It is easy to fall into the routine that only the elders matter and that is not good for anyone.
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dazednconfused Apr 2020
Best answer yet!
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When she tells you this is not how I would like to be treated, just say she should come here and treat your mom how she wants to be treated.   Tell her talk is cheap
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Hmm..she wants to tell you how to steer the ship without wanting to know how to steer herself.

It's your sisters problem not yours. That's her way of wanting to feel like she's contributing. SISTER, YOUR NOT HELPING. GET IN THE TRENCHES WITH THE REST OF US.

I finally got to the point where I didn't want to hear it anymore and told my sister, "If you think you can do better, you can take the lead for all of their care".

That was the end of that.

I sent emails, short and to the point unless something is revalent. No point in trying to help them see what you are going through, they never will accept that they are not doing their part.

You seem to be doing great. The situation will never be perfect. There are some things we have no control over especially how we want our siblings to be in regards to our parents care.

It took a while for me to "Let it go". It made me stronger. I will not allow to be criticized. I trust/hope you will eventually do the same. GOD BLESS!
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doggielover2 Apr 2020
my sister was made agent over my mothers durable power of attorney.my mother lives alone and is not incapacitated at all with the exception she cant drive a car.my sister on the other hand has personal issues with me because i wont allow her to control me or any aspects of my life.so being that shes got poa she controls my mother.she forged no tresspassing against me and forged my mothers name,i got to see my mother at a funeral after 3 yrs and 6 mos of not being in her life.my sister lives in her back yard.she intercepts my mothers mail,she had her phone number my mother had for 50 yrs changed.i have alkways been the daughter that was there for my mother when my sister made excuses NOT to be.oh if i have $5000 to pay a lawyer i can take her to court,but it shouldnt cost me anything for someone to step in on my mothers behalf and get this sister with the issues straightened out.i dont know what to do.my mother is almost in her 80s and i am 60 yrs of age.im not some little kid that wants to fight with the brat sister ,i feel like i have just as much right to be in both my parents life as my drama filled sister.what can i do?
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It seems like in most caretaker situations, there are those who do and those who don't. The ones who don't either have no clue as to what it takes to be a caretaker, or know and have a million justifications why they can't help. I wish I had good advice for you, because I deal with it myself. I give updates through my sister's daughter and simply refuse to deal with my sister. If my sister wants to see my mother, then she will have to do that on her own, which essentially means she hasn't seen my mom in 2.5 years now. I have to focus on my mother, who right now has only a few months to live, and I don't have time for my sister and her shenanigans. It takes a lot to get through this, and I've tried to give myself some slack on how I deal with it. I hope you will, too.
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How wonderful that your siblings are helping you. Your detail-oriented sister is probably trying to be helpful and doesn't realize this is stressful to you. You probably realize that your distant sister is not going to change, just as you will probably not change. Keep sending the emails. Just don't focus on her replies.

As for her once a month help. Make a list throughout the month with your caregiver sister of tasks that neither of you can handle or want to handle. Email her a list once a month of those chores she could do - maybe doing something in your parents' yard, windows, gutters... anything that is harder to do while also watching your folks. Then, she is getting things done that would take you and your caregiver sister longer to do. Should be a win for everybody.
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I would definitely give her a piece of my mind. How dare she criticize the work you and your sister are doing while she blatantly decided to not do anything for them. I went through the same thing with my mom’s brother. Once I gave him an earful, I hadn’t heard from him anymore. Sometimes you have to develop a backbone and don’t allow nonparticipating outsiders judge your ability to care for your parents. From here on out, I would keep her out the loop and if she wanted any updates, have her contact the facility they’re in. Good luck
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We had a brother like that. He was the oldest (& most catered to), lived 600 miles away, and was very critical of how us “front liners” cared for Mom. Turns out he preferred to live in his fantasy world of everything is OK with Mom. Even if he lived next door he wouldn’t have been of any help.

Since he preferred to not know (& then say melodramatically, “I had NO idea; no one told me”), we decided to keep him out of the loop because his “help” was really of no value. We did tell him of major changes, but not of the daily grind. 3 of us plus an aide took care of Mom at home for years. To keep each other informed, we maintained a notebook with daily information. Sometimes it was 1 or 2 sentences, other times it was a full page per day. It was interesting reading material for the long-distance, didn’t-help-but-knew-it-all brother who would visit once maybe twice a year & expect Mom to wait on him like she always did his entire life.

As to house cleaning, we finally hired someone to come in once a month to do the cleaning. Well worth the $100/month cost.

You & sister who share caregiving responsibilities get to decide the who, what, where, & when of Mom’s care. Stop with the rambling emails; they only invite criticism. You’ll never get a Thank You from her. How does your other sister keep the long-distance one “informed”? If she doesn’t, instead leaving that up to you, then you stop as well.
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I had a family member like this, damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Reading your post I now understand she is trying to put you on a guilt trip for her not helping.
She doesn’t want to help so she puts blame on you. Sneaky. If you can, and I wish I had, keep her informed but do not expect anything from her because you won’t get it. It’s easier to keep doing what you are with parents with no help from other family members that disappoint and anger you. If she wants to clean house could you say, oh that’s ok. We have it taken care of. Maybe she just wants to visit and not help. possibility.
Sorry you are going through this I hope your situation gets better
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Ignore her. I have a narcissistic sister with a substance abuse problem. Eventually I blocked her. Now that my mother is end stage I keep her informed but it was a wonderful stress free few months there in between lol. If you don’t want to block her( my sister was texting horrendous verbally abusive things) just don’t read her texts, maybe have a third party check for needed info , my husband read hers, but don’t do it yourself if it bothers you. It’s hard enough dealing with a dying parent without what is basically a bystander adding their two cents. If you are POA you make the decision
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First thing you should do is tell your sister exactly how you feel.

Then keep updating your sister and don't read her responses at all.
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Oh sweetheart. I couldn't even finish reading what you're going through without getting angry. LOL. My sister and I hardly speak now that I brought our mom to Florida to care for her here. My sister lived 7.5 miles from where our mother was and she so seldom went to visit. I went to PA to see mom 2 years ago and found her in the nursing home as a total invalid. They never got her out of bed daily. They never took her to the toilet, and were rough with her when she thoroughly soiled her diaper. The food truly was pig trough slop. I went back to Florida and found an assisted living facility willing to bring her in. They were wonderful. My sister was angry at me for taking "her mother" without talking to her first. Now, I have durable POA. I really didn't need anyone's permission and had my sister taken the time to visit once in a while, she would have seen what was going on. Ok, that all being said, we had a blowout (she started it) and we haven't spoken maybe 50 words in two years. I decided I didn't care. I sent out an email once a month to my sister and 2 brothers. My sister doesn't write back, my brothers do. I think you'd be better off doing the once a month email, and say, mom and dad are hanging in there and doing ok. I wouldn't bother with any examples of day to day living. I just wouldn't do it. If something really serious changes, then that's worth sharing. The day to day stuff, nah. I wouldn't waste my time.
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I would email her and tell her that you would be glad to send weekly updates as long as she stops criticizing what you are doing. And add that if you want to take over, feel free if you think you can do it better. Confront her and you will feel better. Don’t be concerned with hurting her feelings as she is obviously not concerned with hurting yours.

on another note, it would help you tremendously if you would get an additional debit or credit card that you keep to make purchases. That way you don’t need to worry about his wallet. Also take photos of his Medicare and health insurance cards in case you take him to the ER or doctor's office and he doesn’t have them. I have a whole album on my iPhone photos of my dad's stuff.
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